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By scoobysnarks - 24/09/2015 11:49 - United States - Raleigh

Today, my married life pretty much consists of punching myself in the penis until my libido goes down, since my wife has physical ailments that prevent her from even wanting to have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 054

You deserved it 3 303

scoobysnarks tells us more.

scoobysnarks 15

Friday 25 September 2015 5:43

OP here. Look, there are LOTS of choices I *could* make, many of which have been offered here. There's nothing inherently wrong in a lot of the suggestions - they're just not suggestions I'm interested in following, honestly. I love my wife. I don't love anyone else; finding another outlet or a replacement for my beloved just isn't something I'm interested in. It's not that she's unsympathetic, necessarily, as much as it's just not something she can do or address; she has her own issues, and they're a big deal to both of us. I can't talk to her about it, because of her issues - it's just too much pressure on her, and I'm not willing to put that on her. I'd far rather bear the burden of my own problems than put them on her. Thanks for the empathy and comments.

They grow up so fast…

By Anonymous - 09/04/2013 20:42 - United States - Lombard

Today, I found out that my daughter has been stuffing my push-up bras and lipstick into her backpack, putting them on at school, and taking them off before she gets home. She's 9. The only reason I found out is because her teacher reported me to social services. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 627

You deserved it 5 421

By drunk - 06/03/2010 07:38 - Australia

Today, I woke up on a friend's floor with a massive hangover after her party last night. My friend, who was next to me, barfed all over me. She then told me that while I was drunk last night, I made out with her dog as well as two of our other friend's boyfriends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 280

You deserved it 40 951

By Grandson - 01/01/2012 13:51 - Australia

Today, I received my first phone call of the new year. It was the police station informing me that my elderly grandmother has been arrested for indecent exposure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 877

You deserved it 2 745

By Anonymous - 23/02/2015 07:45 - United States - Hatfield

Today, away at college, I called my grandmother to hear how she was doing after her knee surgery. She ended up talking about Hooters and how I should work there because of my "rare body". When I mentioned I've been studying computer science, earning a 3.8 GPA, she replied, "But you're a girl." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 452

You deserved it 3 380

By Joey - 24/07/2012 05:04 - United States - Tampa

Today, on my way to work, I noticed a woman on the side of the road waving for help, her car appearing to be broken down. I pulled over, stepped out of my car, went over to her car, lifted the hood, and checked it. When I looked up to tell her what was wrong, she and my car were gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 754

You deserved it 8 354

Bad start

By fuck but no fuck - 02/08/2013 19:44 - South Africa - Pretoria

Today, I finally felt ready to make love to my boyfriend for the first time. It all went great, until I tried putting the condom on him. In the process, I managed to nick his penis not once, but three times with my nails. His eyes brimmed with tears and he completely lost his erection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 141

You deserved it 28 446

By me - 30/04/2011 04:25 - United States

Today, I was sword fighting in a play when I accidentally hit the other person in the head. He called me a bitch and stormed off stage, leaving me alone with an audience of 50. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 249

You deserved it 5 205

By thanks for the $5 gift voucher - 13/06/2015 16:34 - United States - Randleman

Today, my parents bought my 11-year-old brother a MacBook for my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 140

You deserved it 2 407

By cazorp - 05/01/2012 11:43 - United States

Today, my mom told me she's a drug addict, sold my bed to buy meth, and then lectured me about how I should be okay with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 417

You deserved it 2 464

Hair care

By hairball - 22/04/2009 00:12 - United States

Today, my shower is being renovated so I washed my hair in the kitchen sink. I put my two year-old son on the counter next to me so I could keep him close. As I was rinsing out my hair, my son started playing with the light switches. He flicked the garbage disposal by accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 817

You deserved it 28 702

By HeSaysImNoBeard - 26/11/2009 16:47 - United States

Today, I went to see the new Twilight movie, for the second time. The first time was at the midnight premiere. I would be "okay" with it if the person who had dragged me to see it both times hadn't been my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 737

You deserved it 7 843

By anonymous - 14/08/2011 01:17 - United States

Today, my 14-year-old son was terrified of going into the water near our house, because he was scared of having his leg bitten off by a shark. We live by a lake. I tried explaining why it couldn't happen, but he just cowered behind a beach towel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 182

You deserved it 4 818

By ugh - 21/04/2012 05:12 - United States - Athens

Today, while driving home after the legal curfew, I narrowly avoided a police roadblock and backtracked a mile to drive home another way. I then ran out of gas a mile away from my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 990

You deserved it 30 908

By Barney - 18/06/2011 16:10 - United States

Today, I painted my daughter's bedroom. When I wasn't paying attention, the cat walked through the paint tray. There are now Barney purple paw prints all over the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 852

You deserved it 9 160

Kinder stranger

By Me. - 11/04/2013 00:45 - United States - Ramona

Today, as I walked out of the local store, I noticed a young girl was sitting on the curb, crying. I nudged her with the Snickers bar I had bought earlier, thinking she needed it more than me. After looking at it, she yelled, "PEDOPHILE!", punched me in the balls, and then ran away screaming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 461

You deserved it 12 717

By batsu - 27/01/2012 06:48 - Canada

Today, I made a drunken bet with friends that I could pour lighter fluid on my hands, light it, and shake it out before I got burned. I lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 972

You deserved it 66 792

By Hm - 08/02/2010 04:03 - United States

Today, I found out the love of my life, my husband, is cheating on me. When I confronted him about it, his response was, "Don't blame me, you're the gullible bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 541

You deserved it 4 010

By ilovesocks - 20/01/2010 06:17 - United States

Today, I was hooking up with a guy I just met. Things were getting hot and heavy and he asked me if I had a condom. I said no, and to which he replied "that's okay, we can just use a sock" and pulled his sock off of his left foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 953

You deserved it 6 454

Hedgehog

By Anonymous - 06/04/2009 21:50 - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend were telling each other secrets, so I told him I shaved my upper lip. He said, "I know, it's prickly when we make out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 858

You deserved it 27 532

By random - 15/06/2011 14:23 - Canada

Today, I was approached by a police officer who instructed me to move because I was "threatening the elderly". I was sitting on a park bench in front of an old folks home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 478

You deserved it 3 187

By guess I'm stuck - 16/04/2013 07:23 - United States - Alamo

Today, I was about to break up with my psycho girlfriend. As I sat her down, she told me she wanted to show me something. She then took off her shirt to reveal my name tattooed across her chest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 031

You deserved it 7 737

By Anonymous - 05/03/2013 05:25

Today, I found out that my wife makes mashed potatoes by using her dirty feet to crush the potatoes because apparently this is a "healthy, natural" way to make them, and it also cleans her feet. I've been eating her mashed potatoes at least once every week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 858

You deserved it 4 755

By mee - 30/11/2011 06:43 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try something new. I ended up tied to the bed, and my girlfriend discovered how ticklish I am. Worst 3 hours of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 101

You deserved it 8 832

By Raaaaage - 22/07/2012 06:54 - United States - Torrance

Today, my sister and I had a huge fight because I flushed the toilet while she was taking a bath. The faucet for the bath was not running, but she insisted that she felt the water in the tub turn "scalding hot." She won't listen when I try to explain to her that it doesn't work like that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 136

You deserved it 2 146

By GrandmasWhore - 04/04/2009 05:59 - United States

Today, my grandma gave me the 'abstinence' speech. I had thought she already left to go back to FL but then came into my room to tell me how proud she was of me to keep my virginity. I was doing it doggie-style with my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 247

You deserved it 90 484

Surprise, MFer!

By Anonymous - 15/09/2010 23:34 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I broke up. When I got home from work, I came home to glitter. EVERYWHERE. Guess who forgot to get the key to his apartment back from his ex-girlfriend. The guy who's having his family over for dinner tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 472

You deserved it 13 090

By Anonymous - 26/10/2009 00:21 - United States

Today, I searched myself on Facebook. I have a fan page made by some girl in Wisconsin. She has pictures of me on it. Can you say stalker? FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 197

You deserved it 5 039

Caught in 4K

By its_all_legit - 19/03/2009 03:47 - United States

Today, my parents, who are out of town but driving back tomorrow, called to see how I was doing. They asked if I'd thrown a party in their absence, and I said no. My dad replied, "Well I'm currently looking at pictures on Facebook of our kitchen with beer and a bong on the table." FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 464

You deserved it 127 826

By badatgenders - 03/10/2009 22:49 - Norway

Today, I was dining out with some friends when a hot guy on the table next to us smiled at me. Flattered, I smiled back at him several times. On his way out, he laid a napkin with his number at my table. I didn't notice, too busy looking at the yellow dress and the pink pumps he was wearing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 601

You deserved it 6 738

iselilja tells us more.

iselilja 0

Sunday 4 October 2009 19:00

ok ok, OP/badatgenders (and no, I'm not making that my average FML name) speaking, after reading all of these comments I feel like 99% of you got it wrong: THIS WAS NOT A TRANSVESTITE MALE OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. THIS WAS A WOMAN (probably a lesbian), WITH A MALE-ISH FACE. My friends (who thought this was hilarious) googled the phone number and turns out; her name is Linda. So, you christians and atheists and every other religious/not religious member of this website; peace and love! no need for fighting here, ok? SHE was also wearing a black blazer with heavy shoulderpads, so I didnt see the dress until she stood up. Maybe I should have guessed, but I was half-drunk, and honestly believed it was a guy. The tables was set up in a way that made some of the view blocked by this shemale's friends and so on, blah blah blah. I did not notice the phone number at first when she walked out, since I was too shocked over the fact that I thought she was a guy, but I saw it after that she and her friends had left. Any more questions? Thanks for calling me an ignorant ass and a dumb ****! I totally agree guys, I probably need some glasses. But bye bye! I gotta go. My friends are spreading this all over facebook and my father (friend at facebook, strangely enough) are wondering if his daughter has becomed a lesbian, after all. Later!