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OP here! Luckily the guy has a great sense of humor and just laughed it off saying "It's really early in the morning, I get it." He didn't seem upset at all.

By Anonymous - 14/09/2014 16:38 - Ghana - Accra

Today, I got high for the first time. Apparently I called my vet and told him my goldfish was barking. I found out when he called me back later to make sure we were both okay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 645

You deserved it 20 850

Sexy talk

By Anonymous - 16/01/2016 06:40 - United States - Denver

Today, I felt kind of horny for once, so I texted my boyfriend to let him know he'd be getting some action later. He replied, "I'm gonna fucken murder ur pussy when I get back!! :D" And just like that my sex drive once again crashed through the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 009

You deserved it 4 817

By Noname - 16/03/2009 17:29 - United States

Today, I found an old dress in my house laying around. I decided to dye it green to wear it out on St. Patrick's day. Turns out it was my grandmother's wedding dress that my sister was planning to wear for her wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 250

You deserved it 179 851

That's not a child, that's a bio-hazard!

By Anonymous - 08/01/2018 09:00 - United States - Thomasville

Today, I took a shower while my two-year-old slept. In the 30 minutes it took me to shower, get dressed, and go back to his room, he had woken up, taken his pants and diaper off, and smears crap all over himself and his bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 780

You deserved it 818

By Anonymous - 30/11/2015 16:34 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my school's theater production was canceled. Not because of budget, but because my co-star fell in love with me and asked me out. When I pointedly declined, he refused to act alongside me since it was "awkward." Everyone's blaming me for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 033

You deserved it 2 837

By lord24 - 21/11/2015 00:16 - Russian Federation

Today, I'm celebrating my birthday in Russia. While we were enjoying a sauna, one of the guests decided to add water in order to make steam. It wasn’t water, it was vodka. You can imagine the rest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 092

You deserved it 171

Oh, so NOW you're listening

By Anonymous - 08/11/2015 05:28 - United States - Lewes

Today, the only way I could get my boyfriend to come over for a serious discussion was to heavily imply I wanted to talk about having a threesome. In actual fact, I just wanted to break up with him face-to-face, because he barely acknowledges my existence unless he's horny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 643

You deserved it 2 689

By jello_bellied_snack_snapper - 23/04/2018 16:00

Today, my daughter was stung by a bark scorpion, requiring a visit to the ER. Luckily, we were seen quickly. Unfortunately, due to a new policy, the medicine used to treat the sting is not available for children as it "might" cause low blood pressure. Awesome. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 071

You deserved it 242

Username checks out.

By I can't stand leg puns - 25/06/2018 18:00 - United Kingdom - Feltham

Today, at school, after returning from a very serious operation, a group of bullies stole something I got during my recovery - my new prosthetic leg. I still have no idea where it is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 894

You deserved it 214

By betterpianist - 29/11/2016 21:04 - United States

Today, the girl I've liked for over a year, broke up with me after just 2 weeks of dating, all because I'm a better pianist then her. I've been playing since I was 8. She's been playing for 6 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 451

You deserved it 759

Night terrors

By Anonymous - 25/09/2015 20:14 - Germany

Today, I brutally stabbed a guy to death for smiling at me, then puked and fainted. Then I woke up in bed, panicking, sweating like a pig and crying because I thought my dream was real and I was going to go to prison. I'm never taking sleeping medication again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 567

You deserved it 2 516

Warrior

By Anonymous - 21/09/2015 13:00 - United States - Grand Junction

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex when halfway through, he leaned over to grab his cup of hot coffee off the nightstand. He then attempted to drink it and spilled most of it on me. He never stopped thrusting the whole time, and wanted to continue after. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 607

You deserved it 3 310

By Datingdisaster - 17/08/2018 01:30

Today, I went on a date. We met in the parking lot of a restaurant. As I approached his car he took one look at me, said "Nope", and drove off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 680

You deserved it 291

Wars of the Stars

By Sarge9774 - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff

Today, I found out that my uncle does not like my step-daughter because she likes Star Wars. He stated that Star Trek was better, and went on to verbally attack a 6-year-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 093

You deserved it 860

Bad sex

By Undersexed - 14/09/2016 22:01 - United States - Washington

Today, my husband complained about my lack of sex drive. Gee, I wonder why, Mr. "Always comes first by humping for a whopping 30 seconds." FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 949

You deserved it 2 450

Creepypasta

By Anonymous - 13/09/2016 02:51 - United States - Omaha

Today, I was laying in my bed and discovered a couple of stray black hairs scattered about. This was odd considering I have light strawberry blonde hair but I forgot about it only to later see my hair brush have more of the same black hairs. I live alone. I'm scared. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 687

You deserved it 823

By KiraK_320 - 19/08/2016 01:15 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, my house flooded. Hundreds of dollars worth of art supplies, multiple video game systems, academic awards from middle school, birthday cards from my deceased grandfather; it's all gone. What remained untouched? The cat's litter box, which somehow floated. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 15 256

You deserved it 1 117

KiraK_320 tells us more.

KiraK_320 20

Monday 12 September 2016 20:39

Hi everyone, OP here (well my nickname's gonna show so I'm not sure I needed to say it, but whatever)! Thanks for all the wishes and hugs. <3 First, I saw a few people ask about the cat; she's perfectly fine! And it wasn't actually my cat, it was my mom's boyfriend's... My cat and I live in Baton Rouge in an apartment with my dad, and I had just moved in there in April, so the majority of my things were here but... I had left my memorabilia box (the cards from my grandfather, a lot of childhood books and stuffed animals, the awards, etc.) at my mom and her boyfriend's house in Denham Springs (which, to any of you fellow Louisianians, you know the entire town was flooded), and I had forgotten some of my art supplies and old sketchbooks there alongside my Xbox and Wii unfortunately.Anyway, I actually have some good news: I had submitted this before I was able to go back to the house to salvage things and so when I did manage to go through the flooded stuff (after the water receded, of course), I was able to save a lot of it! Funnily enough, my Wii had been in a plastic tub that also floated, so that was safe. I got to wring out my stuffed animals, and wash them at a laundromat, and I also managed to carefully separate the flooded cards and lay them out in the sun to dry... very happy about that! Again, thanks guys :^) and to any of you that went through the flood as well, I hope you're doing ok and that your families were safe.