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Wow, just wow. I want to thank my parents and my friends for their love and support and I also want to thank my pants for never letting me down... Now seriously. Hi, I'm the OP and I'm so surprised this got posted. I'm much better now. This happened yesterday after work. I put the stuff in the oven and gave my cats a fresh bowl of wet food when I felt my stomach pressing the red button for alarm. At the end I could not only not leave the bathroom, I sat there while my apartment filled with a decent amount of smoke since my oven is fairly old. Finally the smoke detectors went off and gave the whole situation the best soundtrack possible. I'm a quit unlucky person, so this stuff happens all the time. After I finally left the bathroom I opened all the windows and doors and ate some cereal instead. Thanks for the comments so far. I will keep reading.

By Anonymous - 20/01/2011 10:55 - Australia

Today, I wrote a mental note: don't tell a couple of nuns that you used black magic to fix their computer. Then don't tell the story to your boss just as the nuns walk back in again. Then don't say "speak of the devil" to them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 468

You deserved it 38 080

By wearingashirtatthepool - 09/05/2016 00:04 - United States - East Brunswick

Today, I spent thirty minutes on the phone with my best friend's mom, because her daughter was too afraid to tell me that I'm no longer a bridesmaid at her wedding because I'm too fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 732

You deserved it 1 663

Tough love

By Anonymous - 09/08/2020 05:01

Today, I spent over an hour trying to get my niece to sleep and nothing worked. Then my husband got home and yelled, "Listen brat, either sleep now or be buried in the cat's litter box." It worked. She giggled, ran to bed and 30 seconds later she was snoring. What? How? Why? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 751

You deserved it 390

By preggers with probs - 03/09/2018 14:30

Today, I am 10 weeks pregnant and my husband says he needs time for himself. This apparently means he will be romancing and sleeping with other women so he can "relax". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 577

You deserved it 267

By out of the closet - 26/04/2016 00:22 - Australia - Wollongong

Today, I had to tell the third guy that my mother set me up with that it wasn't him, it's me. Apparently my mother thinks if she sets me up with enough guys, I will "date the gay out". FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 859

You deserved it 1 537

By Anonymous - 23/04/2016 00:33 - United States - Newton Center

Today, my daughter had a vocabulary assignment. She had to find five new words in books and movies. She was watching Shrek, so her first word was "thong". FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 583

You deserved it 2 122

BFF

By BFFN - 14/04/2016 15:36 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, my best friend told me she no longer wants an "active friendship" with me. She says she doesn't have time to see me, since she has a boyfriend and a bunch of friends she's spent years bitching to me about. We've gone from a 14-year friendship to awkwardly nodding at each other in the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 667

You deserved it 1 360

By Anonymous - 29/12/2016 02:38

Today, I walked into the living room to find my boyfriend plucking his ball hairs with the same tweezers I use for my eyebrows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 698

You deserved it 897

By let it go! - 01/12/2018 13:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, my ex from high school is married and has kids but still found time to make yet another fake profile to berate me for cheating on him when we were 17. I've already blocked him, moved states, and changed my number twice. We're in our 30s. Fml

I agree, your life sucks 3 506

You deserved it 1 525

By definitelynotugly - 02/12/2018 12:00

Today, I had a morning shift at the restaurant and didn't feel like wearing makeup. I was energetic and greeted everyone happily, but my manager told me I looked tired. I said, "Oh no I'm just not wearing makeup!" He said, "Well, you might need it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 834

You deserved it 347

You what?

By daddyrobyn - 18/12/2018 13:30

Today, my aunt informed me that my cousin's only problem with his girlfriend is that she's not me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 424

You deserved it 159

By Anonymous - 20/02/2016 12:53 - United Kingdom - Mitcham

Today, my wife got fired for leaving work early once again. She's been doing random "spot checks" for the past month, convinced that she'll catch me cheating on her. This paranoid crap is exactly why I'm filing for divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 791

You deserved it 2 233

Caught in 4K

By Shiet - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - Singapore

Today, I found out that people are notified when you list them on Twitter. I've been listing people as "Interesting" and "Stupid". FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 983

You deserved it 22 686

By Milk Dispenser - 12/03/2019 05:00 - United States - Herriman

Today, breastfeeding my infant has become so automatic that when my dog nuzzled up against me while I was sleeping, I lifted up my shirt and unhooked my nursing bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 989

You deserved it 383

By Shrimpy - 16/03/2019 20:00

Today my girlfriend and her 3 friends walked in on me doing a solo performance on myself. They stood their quietly and videoed it unknown to me. And then afterwards laughed and made fun of how small I am. And to make it worse forwarded the video to everyone. Now everyone calls me shrimp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 143

You deserved it 520

By NeoDepressed - 31/03/2019 12:00 - Czech Republic

Today, my parents screamed at me for cutting my wrists. They asked me if I wanted a therapist. I said that I didn't know. Then my mom said, "But wait, it's going to cost a lot of money!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 243

You deserved it 641

By thrill house - 25/01/2016 00:57 - Australia - Hawthorn

Today, a woman yelled at me for hurting her. I'm a tattoo artist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 865

You deserved it 1 721

By Anonymous - 16/01/2016 05:04 - United States - Placentia

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for another guy by text. I felt so betrayed, I stupidly tried to hurt her by replying that I'd been cheating on her all along with a hot babe. Turned out the dumping text was actually a prank by her friend. Now I'm single and everyone thinks I'm a cheater. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 962

You deserved it 29 462

Stage 1?

By Waterfalls - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Carlsbad

Today, I stood up too quickly and got dizzy, so I sat on the edge of the bed to regain my balance. I started dozing off to sleep again, got confused, and peed down the side of my bed thinking I was on the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 605

You deserved it 10 853

By wardsl195 - 30/12/2015 05:55 - United States - Seaford

Today, a guy came to install a modem in my apartment. He needed to get to the jack behind my TV stand, so I helped him move it. Once the stand was moved, I saw a used condom that was hidden underneath. My cat must have pulled it out of my garbage weeks ago. There's no way the guy didn't see it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 480

You deserved it 3 834

Signposting

By Anonymous - 26/12/2015 05:40 - United States - Latonia

Today, I walked in on my 13-year-old sister cutting her pubic hair with scissors. After a long talk about what on earth she was doing, she confessed to doing it so her boyfriend could find her clitoris. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 662

You deserved it 2 494

By I hate retail - 27/11/2015 02:26 - Australia - Kensington

Today, I had to carry a 25kg bag of cement to an elderly customer's car because she refused to use a cart. "You're paid to work, so I'm gonna make you work." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 458

You deserved it 3 243

Driving me mad

By Anonymous - 18/05/2017 22:00

Today, unbeknownst to me, my wife cancelled our airplane tickets because she didn't want to face her fear of flying like we had agreed. Now, we're going to have to take another week off so I can drive 3000 miles cross country, while she sleeps in the shotgun seat because her licence expired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 545

You deserved it 578

Always check before

By Anonymous - 19/05/2017 14:00

Today, the stall I was using didn't have any toilet paper in it. Being the immature idiot I am, I was too embarrassed to ask for someone to grab me some. So I waited 45 minutes for the bathroom to be empty and crept into the next stall, only to find it was also out of toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 694

You deserved it 952

Dude!

By Alex - 29/05/2017 16:00

Today, my brother, instead of filming me during my very first musical presentation in New York, took 45 pictures of the sexy trumpeter that was two rows behind me. With MY camera. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 071

You deserved it 425

By cassieleigh1 - 05/11/2015 05:05 - United States - Davenport

Today, my father, who is not familiar with keyboards, had me register his new email account for him at the public library. His username choice? "Wang dang sweet poon tang". People heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 196

You deserved it 1 966

cassieleigh1 tells us more.

cassieleigh1 8

Friday 6 November 2015 16:20

I'm laughing really hard at the comments! Yeah, my dads pretty awesome. He understands keyboards and computer basics but he seriously types with just his index finger, using both hands, just pick-poking around while squinting back and forth from screen to keyboard to see. Lol He's not a weird-pervert, but a 50 year old punk who wishes he were my age (18), and living in the 70s again. He actually snuck into the Mississippi Valley Fair in Iowa this recent year and didn't get caught hahaha. When I was a kid he used to "copy" entry stamps with pen to get us in free. 9th birthday he took me to a local heavy metal concert, not sure why they allowed 9 year olds in a mosh pit... Also saw Rush for my 11th or something.

By ManagerWithoutRespect - 05/12/2016 05:14 - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, one of my co-workers threw a piece of garbage at the waste bin beside me. When it missed, he said, "Aw, I missed the garbage... and the bin beside it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 932

You deserved it 883