All the FMLs

Foot in mouth syndrome

By Username - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my friend told me that her favourite aunt died last night of a heart attack. The first thing I could think of to say was, "Oh no, is she okay?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 215

You deserved it 40 773

Where were you?

By Alex - 31/01/2022 14:01

Today, I was suspended from my job for missing a team meeting that was planned during my lunch time. Needless to say, nobody had told me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 022

You deserved it 93

That's that then

By how bout no! - 31/01/2022 08:00

Today, the guy I’ve been seeing said he wanted us to get serious, but first we had to get his wife’s approval. Already taken aback by this, he further explained that his wife died years ago and he wanted me to go to her gravesite with a psychic so we could get her blessing via seance. Check please! FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 368

You deserved it 171

Door dashed

By vibexeno - 31/01/2022 11:59 - Australia - Perth

Today, I opened my front door to see that someone else's McDonald's was delivered to me overnight, but the food was all moldy. The one time I get free food… FML

I agree, your life sucks 808

You deserved it 168

Inflation

By Anonymous - 31/01/2022 02:00

Today, despite house prices in my area being the highest they've been in ten years, my mother insists that the reason I can't afford one is not due to insane inflation, but because I'm single. She also seems to conveniently forget that she was a large contributing factor to the end of my last relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 057

You deserved it 148

**** off

By guessnot - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Canada - Toronto

Today, the guy that I've liked for a while but never had the courage to talk to was wearing a TARDIS shirt. I jokingly asked, "Are you the Doctor?" His response was for me to "Go away, f***ing nerd." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 717

You deserved it 4 795

I'm a grown-ass man!

By geodemaster - 30/01/2022 23:00

Today, I texted my dad, “My body hates me.” His response was, “No. You are pushing responsibility off yourself and refusing to do anything about it by saying that.” I was actively making a doctor’s appointment at the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 636

You deserved it 411

TMI FML

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was eating breakfast at an IHOP. As I was eating, the old man sitting directly behind me started discussing every aspect of his spastic colon, in vivid detail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 798

You deserved it 3 089

Not a vegan, then?

By Anonymous - 30/01/2022 17:01

Today, a big crab at the beach got hold of my headphones and wouldn’t let go. Rather than wait and try to tease them free, my husband just grabbed the crab and ripped the claw off its body. The man has no patience or respect for other living things at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 257

You deserved it 382

Beginner's luck

By dumbass - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I got into my first car accident. I hit my own parked car while trying to drive my mother's car into the garage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 143

You deserved it 27 627

Picture this

By Anonymous - 30/01/2022 10:59

Today, I've got so many pimples in my face, I could actually fill a bucket with my own pus. I'm 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks 897

You deserved it 155

Get out of there

By Foxflame - 30/01/2022 02:01 - United States

Today, my family is supposed to be enjoying a day with my in-laws. The drawback? I have to spend time with my stepmom-in-law who is a conspiracy theorist, and my stepsister-in-law who has an unvaccinated 3 year-old who’s been sick a lot lately and looks like death. I have a 4 year-old and a newborn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 104

You deserved it 310

Poisoned chalice

By Anonymous - 30/01/2022 05:00

Today, my great aunt left me her house in her will. She probably thought she was doing something nice, but unfortunately she has no head for practical matters and ownership included both her mortgages, so by the time I sold her house and paid the mortgages, I’m now £140,000 in the hole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 477

You deserved it 192

Dump the dump

By lily anne - 30/01/2022 02:00

Today, my mom screamed my name five times while I was on the toilet. When I was done, I went to her and she said, “Why the FUCK did you not immediately drop what you were doing and rush to help me with the dishes?” Apparently, the fact that I was pooping wasn’t a good enough excuse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 443

You deserved it 144

Long haul

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I have to go on a 7-hour-bus ride sitting beside my ex-boyfriend's mother. We broke up because she told him to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 939

You deserved it 3 330

Sorry

By sqquish - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Smithfield

Today, while visiting my boyfriend to see his new puppies, I squatted down to pet one. The other began to lick my ankles profusely until I lost my balance and fell on him, breaking his leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 594

You deserved it 4 840

Jay Mascis Jazzmaster?

By Anonymous - 29/01/2022 20:01

Today, my mother started nagging me for spending $500 on a guitar, stating that, "We're not in the mood for unnecessary bullcrap." I paid for it with MY money, and she suddenly turned up at MY house because my father kicked her out of their house after finding out that she cheated on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 355

You deserved it 95

Whirlwind romance

By Anonymous - 29/01/2022 17:01

Today, I just got home from a wedding and cried for about two straight hours. The bride was my widowed stepmother and the groom was my ex boyfriend. We only split up four months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 458

You deserved it 163

Happy Caturday!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I realized I love my boyfriend's cat more than I love my boyfriend. The only reason we're still together is I don't want to lose custody of the cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 515

You deserved it 44 311

Scared

By Anonymous - 29/01/2022 14:01

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he never seems to have his own opinion, always agrees with me, and does whatever I want. That’s when he admitted he’s scared of me and is terrified of saying or doing anything I won’t like. I have no idea what I did to scare him this badly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 766

You deserved it 532

Equilibrium

By Anonymous - 29/01/2022 11:01

Today, my top priorities for being able to function in life are being healthy and slim, and getting enough sleep. Unfortunately, my only remaining pleasures in life are eating chocolate and reading long novels in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 703

You deserved it 254

Perfect ending

By Anonymous - 29/01/2022 08:01

Today, I met the most amazing man ever, we were surrounded by a bunch of pretty women, but he picked me. He was so romantic and sweet, and when we were about 2 weeks into the relationship, I wanted to introduce him to my mom, when I woke up and it was all a dream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 965

You deserved it 190

Wake me up before you go go

By asdfghjkl - 29/01/2022 01:59

Today, my boss made me come in at 10 a.m. instead of noon like he usually does. I’ve had nine cups of coffee and STILL can’t keep my eyes open. Why am I like this? FML

I agree, your life sucks 718

You deserved it 366

Spread the love

By Darcy - 28/01/2022 16:59

Today, I found out that the same doctor who came over to run Covid tests on my family actually infected us with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 267

You deserved it 141

Every dog has its day

By bad bad bad bad idea - 28/01/2022 05:01 - United States

Today, I had to very seriously and very slowly explain to my friend why having a bat mitzvah for her dog was a very ignorant and insulting idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 864

You deserved it 189

Stigma

By Anonymous - 28/01/2022 10:59

Today, my girlfriend revealed she'd had an abortion. I wasn’t even aware she’d been pregnant, and she admitted it’s because my grandad and two of my siblings have autism, and she didn’t want to risk having an autistic child and dealing with the shame. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 387

You deserved it 210

Oi bruv, you 'avin' a laugh?

By Anonymous - 28/01/2022 07:59 - United Kingdom

Today, as the shop is right round the corner, and I couldn’t be arsed changing, I kept my boob tube on under my jacket. Of course, at the shop, I slipped on spilled water and as I went down the tube came down as well, and I ended up lying there with my tits out for a group of teenagers to laugh at. FML

I agree, your life sucks 764

You deserved it 511

Getting some

By Anonymous - 28/01/2022 02:01

Today, a female coworker kissed me so I reported it to my boss, but he told me I should take the compliment, and asked me why the hell I was complaining about "getting some." I’m a guy, but I’m sure if I was a woman and I’d had a kiss forced on me, it would be a huge issue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 926

You deserved it 220

Babe 3: Pig on the phone

By Anonymous - 27/01/2022 16:00 - United States - Stephenville

Today, I accidentally called my Dad “Babe” on the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 452

You deserved it 729

All you need is hate

By Anonymous - 27/01/2022 14:00 - United States - Wilmington

Today, my mom texted me to let me know that my wife and I are no longer allowed to visit her house together, because she doesn’t want it to appear like she’s OK with queer relationships, but she’s OK if we visit one at a time because she still wants to see our son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 612

You deserved it 194

Keywords

First Dates Love AITA Awkward Dogs Animals Cute Am I overreacting? Alcohol Health Relatable Food Family Holidays Miscellaneous Thanksgiving Politics Transportation Cars Sex Intimacy Contraception Cheating Suspicious Poopoo peepee Kids Gross Accident Birthday Gifts

The Top

Today, my boss sent me a message about a project, via WhatsApp. It's my day off, so I figured it could wait till I was able to give a flying fuck. Literally a minute later, he was spamming me, demanding to know why I'd left him as read and reminding me that he has firing powers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 351

You deserved it 1 619

Today, my best friend called me a slut during an argument, and I couldn't stop myself from laughing. She lost her virginity at 13 years-old, and all four of her kids have a different dad. When I mentioned it, she gave me a black eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 618

You deserved it 153

The Top

Today, the employee entrance to my workplace was moved. Not only will no one tell me where it is, they all insist it wasn’t moved. There’s literally a sign on the door that says the entrance has been moved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 419

You deserved it 102

Today, my boyfriend and I were play-wrestling on the bed, when he started to tickle me. I tried to pull away but he pushed me back down. I ended up hitting my eye on the corner of the nightstand. His comment was "this is why you shouldn't struggle." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 017

You deserved it 7 776

Today, I went on a blind date. My date turned out to be very hot, and I had high hopes. That is, until she ran her hand through her hair as she approached, sending some kind of horrifying, miasmic mist of dandruff and dead skin floating through the air behind her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 186

You deserved it 8 137

Today, my husband got charged with felony animal cruelty, because while I was at work, he shot someone's hunting dog on our property. I'm a veterinarian. This should be great for my reputation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 201

You deserved it 173

Today, I took my girlfriend to get her nails done, gave her 500 spending money, took her to eat, bought her son a TV, then bought her clothes. We get to her house, she steps inside then gets furious her son had made a mess and hadn't cleaned his room. She told me to take the TV back, which I did, then got reamed for doing so. FML

I agree, your life sucks 662

You deserved it 282

Today, in a drunken state, I decided that it would be a good idea to shave with a pizza cutter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 711

You deserved it 36 317