Health

IBS?

By Anonymous - 27/04/2023 06:00

Today, I went on a hike. About two miles into the five mile trail, my stomach started to bubble and I realized there were no bathrooms nearby. My only options were to literally shit my pants or shit in a bush. Well, I shit in the bush and had no tissue to wipe. I hate having stomach issues. FML

I agree, your life sucks 758

You deserved it 149

It's not a phase, mom!

By cjkelly1 - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my parents made me a steak dinner to celebrate me visiting home from college. I've been a vegetarian for eleven years. This is the third time they've done this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 647

You deserved it 12 673

Link?

By Anonymous - 26/04/2023 03:00

Today, while sprinting, I tripped, fell, and somehow managed to kick myself in the balls. Legs shouldn’t bend like that and I’m frankly amazed I didn’t break my knee. My wife got the whole thing on video too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 678

You deserved it 137

Snapped

By Amorie - 26/04/2023 02:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, while I was normally and gently cleaning my glasses with my shirt they snapped in half. This is the second time this has happened, with the exact same glasses. The optometrist got me another pair last time, but this time they said no because it was too suspicious. I now have to buy $150 glasses again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 370

You deserved it 626

Leave no paper trace

By can’t do it - 25/04/2023 10:00

Today, my therapist asked me if I’d been journaling as he suggested. I had to tell him that I don’t trust writing down my innermost thoughts anymore, because when I was younger my mom read by diary multiple times and beat me for what I wrote. So did my ex-boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 136

You deserved it 172

Tasty

By SillyScotsman - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Hamilton

Today, I was eating an ice cream cone when I felt something drop onto my bottom lip. Assuming it was a piece of ice cream, I quickly pulled it into my mouth. After a sharp sting to my tongue, I spat it out. It was a bee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 640

You deserved it 7 707

Hole in one

By Anonymous - 24/04/2023 02:00 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I got a tooth pulled out. I now have a hole connecting my mouth to my nose. Drinking and eating is whole new experience. FML

I agree, your life sucks 695

You deserved it 102

All shook up

By Anonymous - 23/04/2023 22:30 - Australia - Adelaide CBD

Today, in an effort to save some money, I attempted to paint my own house. Instead, I fell off the ladder and broke my dominant arm. Now I can’t work, brush my teeth, or even wipe my ass. My house is half-painted with stuff everywhere and I have 6 weeks to recover. FML

I agree, your life sucks 778

You deserved it 270

Can't catch a break

By Anonymous - 22/04/2023 18:30 - India - Bengaluru

Today, my husband went out for a walk. My kids were tucked in bed and all the chores were done, so I finally had time to myself in a long time. I just wanted to watch porn and masturbate, but then my husband returned early to kiss me good night, and my son snuggled into my bed as he had a nightmare. Me time? Lol. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 045

You deserved it 372

Freeride

By Anonymous - 22/04/2023 06:00 - United States - Collegeville

Today, my crush and I went longboarding, because she’s into it and I told her I was too. I’d never set foot on a longboard, but I figured I’d wing it and pray for the best. Long story short, I ended up with a broken arm and a concussion. Bad decisions, man. They suck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 208

You deserved it 1 252

Sugar Sugar

By WTF - 21/04/2023 23:00 - United States

Today, I learned that the waffle machine at my local hotel has sugar-free bottles of syrup… and that the machine that conveniently dispenses syrup for you which is NOT sugar-free. This is exactly why Americans are stereotyped as being so unhealthy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 213

You deserved it 705

Just take the W

By Anon - 22/04/2023 03:00

Today, I want to share my weightloss success but I have no one to celebrate with. My husband says, "It's because you have so much to lose" and my friends all have too much going on to take notice. Celebrating in silence that I'm in the 150's. Healthy feels isolating and lonely. FML

I agree, your life sucks 903

You deserved it 150

Foxtrot Mike Lima

By Anonymous - 21/04/2023 18:00

Today, I went for an eye exam. The doctor asked me to read the chart on the wall and without even thinking about it, I started to call out the letters using the NATO phonetic alphabet. Nope, my time in the military has had absolutely no effect on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 634

You deserved it 197

J'ACCUSE!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Farnborough

Today, my brother accused me of faking my bipolar disorder for attention, all because I don't act the same as the bipolar girl in some TV show he watches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 579

You deserved it 1 776

Health scare

By sillygoose - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I went to the doctor to check the dark growth I just discovered on my back. It was chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 379

You deserved it 44 958

Grow up!

By UpTheDuff - 20/04/2023 12:00 - United States - New York

Today, after a necessary medical procedure that rendered my birth control ineffective, I found out I’m pregnant. I was already planning to break up with my manchild boyfriend, and when I told him this, his first response was, “What will my parents think?” Parents with whom he still lives at age 30. FML

I agree, your life sucks 582

You deserved it 776

I know that smell

By Quinnald - 20/04/2023 12:00

Today, I had to call the cops at 10:30 at night because of the meth smoke from my neighbor burning my nostrils, with a heavy waft of cigarette covering it up. They never smoke cigarettes, except as a less-than-average way to cover up the drugs that I can pinpoint after being at two different shelters in Denver and Boulder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 801

You deserved it 115

Al Pacino

By scar face - 20/04/2023 06:00

Today, and for the last year, I have a disfiguring scar on my nose that I’m very self conscious about. My 4 year-old niece recently noticed it. Now every time she sees me she leans in real close and says, “What’s wrong with your face?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 766

You deserved it 81

Boundaries

By Anonymous - 19/04/2023 06:00 - United States - Stafford

Today, I'm a hoarder, and my boyfriend has had enough. He asked if I wanted to save an empty orange juice jug. I know this is the end of our relationship and end of my life. I'm sorting through all my stuff and deciding what to throw away and what to give away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 357

You deserved it 914

Turtle

By Anonymous - 18/04/2023 21:00 - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, even though I diet and go to the gym, due to my hypothyroidism I'm now so overweight that when I went to hospital for an unrelated check up, the gorgeous nurse actually had to press and move around my fat-filled groin to make my penis pop out of its hiding place under the skin. I hate myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 252

You deserved it 291

Sliced

By Anonymous - 18/04/2023 18:00

Today, I was in a rush to get ready for work so I quickly shaved my legs. In my haste, I accidentally nicked myself in a very sensitive area and had to spend the day simmering in discomfort and checking my crotch every so often to make I wasn't bleeding through my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 682

You deserved it 266

Germs galore

By Anonymous - 18/04/2023 10:00

Today, after spending weeks dealing with my 4 year-old's chronic and acute otitis, it's my 20 month-old daughter who has now got it. Its like that every damn year. Oh, and I just got bilateral otitis myself now and need antibiotics. I almost regret having children. FML

I agree, your life sucks 581

You deserved it 229

Fresh

By Anonymous - 18/04/2023 06:00 - United States

Today, I decided to get a haircut to change up my look. I asked for a bob, but the hairstylist misunderstood and gave me some sort of bowl cut. I look like a '90s sitcom character. FML

I agree, your life sucks 694

You deserved it 186

Snap out of it

By Anonymous - 17/04/2023 13:00 - United States - Richmond

Today, I finally watched Everything Everywhere All at Once. All it did was make me feel deeply depressed, because I know I'm such an exceptional loser that I don't deserve for anyone to care about me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 567

You deserved it 219

SO FRUSTRATIIIIIING

By Bored to death - 16/04/2023 17:00 - United States

Today, I found out one of the main causes of my depression is that my life is too sheltered and boring. My doctor and many of my friends have advised me to find a hobby. Except, everything I would like to do is either too expensive and/or impossible due to my disabilities and other mental disorders. FML

I agree, your life sucks 797

You deserved it 279

My pleasure, mom!

By FortuneFaded - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - South Africa

Today, it's my mother's birthday so I took her out to lunch. On the way there, we had a car accident. It was my fault. For my mother's birthday I gave her 3 broken ribs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 980

You deserved it 19 258

The scenic route

By Anonymous - 15/04/2023 23:00 - Spain - Santa Cruz de Tenerife

Today, after spending thousands of Euros flying back to my home country to pick up my expensive prescription medicine, I found out that I can buy it 200 meters from my current home, without prescription, and at a quarter of the price. FML

I agree, your life sucks 465

You deserved it 966

Just the two of us

By Anonymous - 15/04/2023 22:00 - United States

Today, I was at the gym, well intent on trying a new workout class. I was the only person in the class and the instructor was clearly disappointed. He reluctantly gave me the class but I could tell he was hating the whole experience. FML

I agree, your life sucks 914

You deserved it 122

Stop! Stop!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I was lying on the couch after having surgery on my stomach. My best friend and my mom thought that laughter would be the best medicine. Due to their medicine, I ripped out half my stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 597

You deserved it 2 678

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The Top

Today, I was promoted to Executive Assistant of our new managing director. Alas, no one told me that, alongside her occasional periods of managerial brilliance, she has severe ADHD and dyslexia, so as well as an assistant I’m also her babysitter, interpreter, maid, nurse, tutor, etc. FML

I agree, your life sucks 442

You deserved it 120

Today, I was excited to have a window seat on my three hour flight to New York. When I got to my row, I noticed the screaming newborn occupying the seat in front of me, and a pair of toddlers behind me. I then looked to my seat to find I have no window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 807

You deserved it 3 732

The Top

Today, a cute guy approached me at a nightclub. I was really excited, until he drunkenly slurred, "Babe, I'd suck the farts from your asshole!" and then threw up everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 796

You deserved it 2 358

Today, my two year-old puked in the backseat of the car. When we stopped to clean her up, she scooped up the vomit by the handful and threw it at my head. I had an almost two-hour drive before I could wash the smell off myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 048

You deserved it 5 455

Today, I overheard my dad's friend complaining to my dad that his new baby boy is a ginger. I continued listening, and heard my dad saying, "Yeah, there's nothing worse than having a ginger." I'm his daughter. I'm a ginger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 797

You deserved it 7 077

Today, I told my bald, goatee-sporting chemistry teacher that he looks like Walt from Breaking Bad. I quickly got sent to the principal's office and received a 3-day suspension for "slandering" my teacher by implying that he makes meth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 454

You deserved it 6 709

Today, after being told numerous times how sexist the East Coast is, I went ahead with my East Coast grad school architecture interview. The first thing out of the interviewer's mouth was, "Are you sure you don't want to do interior architecture?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 078

You deserved it 3 009

Today, a girl threatened to castrate me if I didn’t refund her for a remote control that SHE damaged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 915

You deserved it 70