Kids

What did I do to you?

By Anonymous - 29/03/2022 18:00

Today, I was kicked out of my ex-girlfriend's apartment, with whom I’ve been staying with, because I’m a 'bad influence to her two sons' since I’m an 'alcoholic who passed out and pissed the couch.” I’ve been sober since the beginning of January, and have been in AA since. I'm also prone to seizures. She does Meth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 043

You deserved it 274

All over cheese?

By Anonymous - 29/03/2022 01:00 - Bulgaria - Sofia

Today, my family had an argument with me because I bought the wrong kind of cheese. They never said what kind they wanted. The argument ended with my mother saying that she wished she could kill herself, because of how horrible of a person I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 163

You deserved it 106

Don't mention it

By Anonymous - 28/03/2022 06:00 - United States - Verona

Today, my mother went on another long rant, detailing 20 years of bad things that we all already knew about a relative. The slightest recollection in a conversation never fails to turn into unending monologues. I can't change the past, nor the subject of conversation apparently. FML

I agree, your life sucks 809

You deserved it 91

Don't Fight Club

By kizz mi azz - 28/03/2022 04:00

Today, I stood up to the school bully in a fight. Rather than thank me, the whole school, including some of his victims, now treat me like a psycho. Apparently they tolerated him because of his terrible foster parents, so me hitting him was actually way out of line, and insensitive. How did I become the bad guy here? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 541

You deserved it 161

Republicans scrap child marriage bans

By what year is this?! - 27/03/2022 13:00 - United States

Today, I found out my 17 year-old cousin is getting married. My hyper religious family swears my concerns are just “masking” my jealousy. Yeah sorry for thinking such a young person, who is still a child, should have her own life before making such a huge decision. FML

I agree, your life sucks 975

You deserved it 177

Mommy's best boy

By Anonymous - 27/03/2022 04:00 - United States - Wilmington

Today, I realized that my mom has not had a date, or had sex, in 50 years. I've become her 'Husband-Son'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 881

You deserved it 193

Little shit

By BIGCHEIFAAA - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Union City

Today, my seven-year-old nephew challenged me to a push up contest in front of my girlfriend. He beat me, and then asked my girlfriend why she's dating a pussy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 202

You deserved it 23 273

Freuding intensifies

By toomanypills - 26/03/2022 17:00 - United States - Easton

Today, I'm in 12th grade and came home from school to find out my mother had someone over to have sex while I was at school. She's not had sex my whole life, so the uncomfortable feeling it gave me is different than anything I've felt before. She's been single by the way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 296

You deserved it 1 505

Battleground

By Anonymous - 26/03/2022 04:00

Today, my son wants to go to Norway for our holiday and my husband wants to go to Disneyland, so of course they decide they can only choose by having a Nerf battle through the entire house. Meanwhile, I seem to be the only one taking anything seriously. This is why I despair of both of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 384

You deserved it 775

Poor old Johnny

By Anonymous - 25/03/2022 06:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, I treated my adult daughter to a vintage record player to celebrate three months of sobriety. Now whenever her boyfriend comes over, they crank up the volume on my old vinyls, and I now have to associate Johnny Cash's "Get Rhythm" with them screwing like rabbits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 980

You deserved it 337

She's not wrong

By Anonymous - 25/03/2022 06:00

Today, I reprimanded my daughter for eating too many chips, since it's not good for you. She responded with, "Know what else isn't good for you? Two cigarettes a day." I couldn't even come up with a retort. I can't believe I just got burned by a ten-year-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 249

You deserved it 2 155

Dreaming big

By ReyRey - 24/03/2022 12:00

Today, my son's plan is to become an entrepreneur, even though this requires having a brilliant idea worth money. This is the same guy who got fired from Subway for deliberately dropping bread on the floor so he could steal it from the bin later. I'm gonna kick him in the asscrack before the month is over, I know it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 883

You deserved it 171

Maternity leave

By Anonymous - 24/03/2022 04:00

Today, we were so desperate to be parents, we've had IVF twice until our son was born. I was not ready for just how much I would hate him. I physically detest my son. I didn’t want to hold him when he was born, he makes my skin crawl when I breastfeed and I barely look at him. Messed up, right? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 110

You deserved it 583

**** out for the tots

By mammary smammary - 23/03/2022 22:00

Today, I was nursing my baby in the park while my older kids played. A man stormed over and started screaming how vulgar and disgusting I was being, and how he didn’t want his kids exposed to “all that”. He and his buddies were all shirtless and playing vulgar music loudly through a speaker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 646

You deserved it 161

Che Guevara and Debussy to a disco beat

By Anonymous - 22/03/2022 22:00

Today, my son's school actually called me to complain that despite his excellent test scores, he spends too much time reading, and has a wilfully overactive imagination, so could I please get him to stop ''reading and imagining'' so much, as it makes him hard to teach. Are they taking the piss? They must be taking the piss, right? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 740

You deserved it 103

Parenting styles may differ…

By Anonymous - 21/03/2022 16:01 - United States - Santa Rosa

Today, it was my first day at my new high school. I put on a tiny bit of makeup, just some mascara, to feel more confident. I got in the car and my mom started yelling about how horrible my makeup is, basically calls me a slut for wearing it, and makes me take it off. I ended up crying in the bathroom on my first day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 147

You deserved it 155

Little brat

By Anonymous - 21/03/2022 18:00

Today, I learned that being kicked in the vagina by your brat brother not only makes you vomit from the pain, it also makes you get a period an hour later so unbelievably more painful than usual, you're forced to use the real good painkillers left over from your dad's spine surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 122

You deserved it 144

Cranberry juice might help

By Anonymous - 18/03/2022 16:00

Today, I swear I’m going to just refuse to use the toilet when my mom is home on principle because whenever I go, no matter the time of day or night, that will be the exact moment she's bursting for a pee, and needs me out "NOW NOW NOW!" I haven’t had a relaxing, uninterrupted shit in almost a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 008

You deserved it 134

Kids can be a dealbreaker

By Anonymous - 18/03/2022 12:00

Today, the new guy at work who’s been flirting with me outrageously found out I’m newly-divorced, with a baby daughter. He ghosted me so fast and started outrageously flirting with someone else in our office, who by the way he checked to make sure she doesn’t have kids first. FML

I agree, your life sucks 923

You deserved it 338

Family ties

By Anonymous - 17/03/2022 18:00

Today, I worked up the courage to contact my daughter, who cut ties with me four years ago when I outed her girlfriend by accident, to see if she's still mad at me and if we could reconnect. She informed me that once I die, she plans to cremate me and flush my ashes down a McDonald's toilet. So… still mad, then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 111

You deserved it 385

The joke's on you

By justjoking - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my classmate commented on how quiet I am. I responded with, "Well, nobody plots murder out loud," trying to be funny. My teacher tried to get me arrested. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 521

You deserved it 8 089

Caught

By Snooper - 16/03/2022 18:00

Today, I attempted to snoop around my daughter’s room, because I suspect her of having sex with her boyfriend behind my back. Hoping to find the evidence, I went to her room as soon as she left for school. Turns out she rigged her bedroom door. With glitter. Uh oh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 243

You deserved it 2 909

Assumptions

By MommyIssues - 16/03/2022 07:00 - United States - Loveland

Today, my boyfriend said that the reason I crave affection so bad is because I’m an only child so I got “all my parents attention”. My mom worked nights my whole life and slept while I was home. I barely got 1-2 hours a week of her attention at the maximum and she usually used that time to read. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 103

You deserved it 127

Thanks for the support

By BadMomma - 15/03/2022 15:00 - United States - Kula

Today, I asked my parents to babysit my kids for an hour so that I could visit the doctor for my asthma, which has worsened over the past two days. Apparently I'm a bad mother, and it's OK if I stop breathing, but shouldn't leave my kids to go out alone. My husband was at the gym the entire evening. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 323

You deserved it 143

Guilty as charged

By Anonymous - 15/03/2022 12:00

Today, my boss asked me to help train his son, so I put him to work cleaning tools covered in oil. He didn’t warn me his son has a violent temper, and would overreact at being asked to work for a living by dumping the bucket of tools on my head, breaking my glasses and concussing me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 356

You deserved it 78

Not today, Satan

By Anonymous - 14/03/2022 07:00 - United States

Today, I briefly considered coming out to my parents when the topic of LGBTQ+ people came up in conversation, until my dad called them “socially deranged.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 076

You deserved it 284

Apron springs

By whyme - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my mother screamed and swore at me because I said I was looking to move out soon. Apparently, the idea of me moving out at 27 and her getting a job to pay her own way is devastating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 091

You deserved it 3 045

Priorities

By Anonymous - 14/03/2022 00:01

Today, my 6 year-old son came up to me and asked "Dad, when you're dead, will you give me your wallet ?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 720

You deserved it 139

The Leftovers

By Anonymous - 12/03/2022 20:00 - United States - Morganville

Today, my mom asked me why I barely talk to her anymore. Well, mom, maybe it's because you nicknamed my stepdaughter "Leftovers," and call her that in public, like at family gatherings or school events. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 252

You deserved it 83

Grasping at straws

By lulumars - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I finally confronted my mom about how I felt about her three divorces. She then explained that she went through the divorces because I failed to keep the house clean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 547

You deserved it 2 744

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The Top

Today, I summoned up the courage to tell my crush how I've felt about her for the past two years. I really poured out my heart and soul, and she nodded and smiled throughout. Once I'd finished, she told me that she believes "sex is unnatural", and that she could never date a guy who wanted it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 297

You deserved it 4 542

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to mix it up and find a good place outdoors to have fun. After an hour of climbing up a rocky mountainside to a completely isolated clearing, out of the way of any hiking path, he was still so paranoid that he finished within 20 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 463

You deserved it 2 166

The Top

Today, while in a public restroom I could hear a guy having his way with his hand. He was quoting verses from the bible. I was in a cubicle and he was at the urinal. I was too frightened to leave. This went on for a very long time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 747

You deserved it 3 572

Today, my mom got me a job working for the man she's cheating on my dad with. My dad doesn't know that she's cheating, and my mom doesn't know that I know. It's just awkward. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 827

You deserved it 4 073

Today, my psychiatrist asked me if I felt bad about my weight. When I said no, he looked surprised and said, "Why not?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 009

You deserved it 5 031

Today, my son came home saying there had been a bad accident where two people died in a crash. This sounded terrible but he then said, "Yeah, I took pictures. Wanna see the bodies? They’re disgusting." Everyone in the house except me jumped up to look at those poor dead people. I raised savages. FML

I agree, your life sucks 525

You deserved it 136

I shouldn't have said that...

I agree, your life sucks 239

You deserved it 96

Today, I finally got the courage to ask out a girl I've had a crush on for months now. She told me I was very cute and then walked off. I still don't have an answer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 565

You deserved it 906