Miscellaneous: Ciphered

Ciphered

By ewww - 26/08/2012 09:21 - United States - Seattle

Today, I accidentally decoded the system my parents use for talking about sex while I'm around. It's a substitution cipher, using literary references. As they're both literature professors, this has me perpetually grossed-out and wondering, "Are they really talking about Anne Frank, or anal fisting?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 061

You deserved it 2 550

Winter: Snow and Funny News
Snuggle up and laugh with our winter stories, where snow isn't the only thing sliding around! More…

Previous FML Next FML

Same thing different taste

Butt of the joke

By Dan - 18/09/2024 20:00 - Australia

Today, I found out my family doesn't actually use the secret codeword we've had since childhood for when we’re in trouble. They've just been saying it around me for years because they thought it was funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 375

You deserved it 96

By Anonymous - 09/04/2016 13:12 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my daughter and her "friend" kept using crude euphemisms right in front of me, thinking I was too old or too stupid to figure out what they meant. I nearly had an aneurysm when she told him he could put his "pencil" in her "sharpener" next time they studied together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 183

You deserved it 2 613

Book club gone wild!

By TheWriter - 01/09/2017 04:30

Today, during a family gathering, my mom, grandmother, and aunts started talking about an erotic novel they're all reading on Amazon. My cousin asked for the writer's name and I heard my pseudonym in response. My entire family is reading my horribly-written porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 499

You deserved it 1 521

The book of revelations

By JSeth - 04/07/2009 16:52 - Canada

Today, my mom found a book of dirty stories I'd written in tenth grade. She then told me that I wrote about things she'd never even thought about, and she's been having sex for years. If that wasn't bad enough, she's taken them in to work to show people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 785

You deserved it 10 182

Words are hard

By Anonymous - 27/01/2013 18:50 - United States - Temperance

Today, I had to slowly explain to my son that an "analogy" is a literary device, not a genre of porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 895

You deserved it 3 491

The real Zodiac killer?

By Anonymous - 21/09/2024 15:00 - United States

Today, I told my husband that we should write down all our passwords so we don't forget them. Later, after he'd left, I pulled out his password sheet to do a little snooping, only to learn that he'd written them in some sort of bizarre cipher. What's he hiding? FML

I agree, your life sucks 78

You deserved it 1 166

By wittlegirl - 13/07/2011 18:16 - United States

Today, my parents think that I don't understand all the sexual euphemisms in their conversations. One of the more recent ones being made by my dad at the dinner table, "This sausage is great, honey, but mine is bigger and tastier!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 369

You deserved it 4 006

By ewmomew - 12/09/2010 04:07 - Canada

Today, I had a nice, open chat with my mother. I accidentally let slip that I'm a nymphomaniac. She accidentally let slip that my dad is bad in bed. I don't think either of us will be chatting so openly for awhile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 703

You deserved it 9 384

By Anonymous - 12/02/2021 23:01

Today, I was texting my boyfriend while in the car with my family. He sent a particularly racy text, and my little sister happened to look over at my phone and then asked quite loudly, "What does anal mean?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 601

You deserved it 1 178

This needs an explanation

By Anonymous - 25/06/2022 06:00

Today, I sent an email to several coworkers about an "incident" I had just created, asking them to look into it. It wasn't until one of them responded that I discovered that instead of "incident" I had typed "incest." I wish I could say this was a typo or autocorrect, but it was more a Freudian slip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 372

You deserved it 867

holeyman 8

Sunday 26 August 2012 19:53

I wish my parents were that smart so I didn't have to hear them talk about sex.

Welshite 39

Sunday 26 August 2012 19:53

Start talking in their cipher. That will freak them out.

Comments

ElectriCat 2

Sunday 26 August 2012 23:49

Your life sounds amazing

whatthefreshhell 15

Sunday 26 August 2012 23:50

same thing. am I right or am I right?

paijus 0

Monday 27 August 2012 0:08

At least you're smart?

austinkr11 3

Monday 27 August 2012 0:31

Ewwwwwwew lmao

ebonyirony 29

Monday 27 August 2012 1:38

That's clever as ****.

koortneyg 12

Monday 27 August 2012 1:43

"anal fisting" anybody else find that disturbing?

KiddNYC1O 20

Monday 27 August 2012 1:57

Yes.

Special_Psycho 8

Monday 27 August 2012 3:09

Very very very disturbing.

vbmg152 18

Monday 27 August 2012 2:02

Wow!

mosquito19 14

Monday 27 August 2012 2:20

who is fisting who? it's a little confusing.

Tjzabel21 2

Monday 27 August 2012 4:19

My parents dont have sex...

jem970 19

Monday 27 August 2012 5:35

Keep believing that. Ignorance is bliss....

jizzwold 21

Wednesday 29 August 2012 0:46

My parents don't have sex. That is because they are divorced and hate each other.

theslyfox72 3

Monday 27 August 2012 4:26

Dafuq....thats all i have to say

Keywords

Embarrassing Love Poopoo peepee Miscellaneous Christmas Romantic Break-ups Money Annoying Gross Ironic Argument Friends Awkward Haircut Cute Holidays Lonely Relatable Work Bosses Capitalism You're fired Cars Covid Health Jealousy Cheating Parenting Kids

The Top

Today, while I was mid-act with my girlfriend, my mom unlocked my bedroom door and came in shaking maracas. She then handed them to my very shocked girlfriend and told her these were the "Busted maracas" and directed her to pass them along accordingly. Well, at least our first time was memorable… FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 442

You deserved it 365

Today, I put lemon juice in my hair as a cheap and easy way to get highlights. I left it in my hair and I laid out in the backyard to get some sun. The sunshine wasn't the only thing that found me; it seems every bug in the neighborhood is now hiding in my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 540

You deserved it 51 165

The Top

Today, I cannot believe my husband. All he had to do was contest a bogus parking ticket but because he's incapable of keeping his fat mouth shut, now he’s going to jail for contempt of court. He will lose his job because of this, guaranteed, and we have two kids to support. FML

I agree, your life sucks 980

You deserved it 207

Today, the only food in the house is canned beans and vegetables that I can’t stand. My dad refuses to go to the store because, "we can't afford it." Meanwhile, my stepmom just came home with a brand new Gucci purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 081

You deserved it 155

Today, my boyfriend and I are so close that we share everything. This now includes his head lice. Thanks, dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 551

You deserved it 308

Today, I got into a fist-fight with a wasp, aka a Nazi helicopter. Despite swiping at it with ninja-like skills, I lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 469

You deserved it 29 189

Today, I ran into a guy I haven't seen since high school. He started ranting about what an asshole I was for not inviting him to my birthday party when I was 12. We're 50 now, the party was cancelled because my granddad died, and we were not friends anyway, I just hung out with him as I felt sorry for him sometimes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 576

You deserved it 107

Today, I was yelled at by a customer because I wouldn't give her a new iPhone 5 for free to replace her broken Nokia, which she threw out the window in "blind rage". I felt awful having to thank her for calling. Sadly, this is a daily event. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 767

You deserved it 2 692