Home improvement and Noise: Keep it down

If your life is anything like the movies, you'll be a karate master in about 6 months, you'll fight off 17 bad guys at once, you'll win the heart of a beautiful girl, and you'll win first place in the karate championship. Congratulations!!

kourtney23 2

Thursday 15 December 2011 20:23

And chicks dig ninjas....

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The Top

Today, I told my roommate that I was an atheist and she laughed. I left and returned to find her and her prayer group praying for my soul. She told me to accept Jesus Christ as my lord and savior. I said no. Then she told me to find somewhere else to live. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 851

You deserved it 1 041

Today, the woman I love, who rejected me countless times, got a boyfriend. Bitter about it, I post on my Instagram Story: “I could have been your love bug, but apparently you’re into roaches.” She posted a story of them kissing, saying, “I love my roach so much!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 40

You deserved it 1 238

The Top

Today, I got my period early. While traveling. For a funeral. I had to walk through two entire airport terminals to find a shop that had any period products, and the only option was an $18 box of tampons. Six tampons, to be precise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 472

You deserved it 96

Today, my wife of 12 years told me she would be more peaceful if I just killed myself. I argued that I’m not going to, but she assured me that I would. It’s just ‘when’ that’s in question. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 188

You deserved it 118

Today, I was mowing the lawn while wearing gym shorts. Because I had no pockets, I tucked my phone into the waistband of my shorts. I didn't notice my phone had slipped until the lawnmower started making an awful sound. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 295

You deserved it 22 515

Today, I decided to try a self-tanning lotion my friend had recommended. I put it on, and decided to take a nap. I woke up later and checked myself in the mirror, expecting to see a new, more tanned version of myself. I didn't. I'm now orange. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 586

You deserved it 39 978

Today, I fell asleep on the bus. When I woke up, my head was resting on the broad, tanned shoulder of the smoking hot guy sitting next to me. I had drooled a little. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 548

You deserved it 5 091

Today, while out of town, I got a hysterical phone call from my teenage nephew who was pet-sitting at my house. My geriatric dog, who seemed fine when we left, had died during the night. Now my family is mourning the dog and my nephew is traumatized. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 565

You deserved it 145