Sex, Painful and Intimacy: Life hacks

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By Zibby - 11/02/2011 05:51

Today, I found out that applying toothpaste to your penis to make it taste good for your girlfriend is not a good idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 487

You deserved it 80 885

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Same thing different taste

By Toothy - 02/04/2011 05:03 - United States

Today, I learned that when I leave skid marks in the toilet my wife uses my toothbrush to remove them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 992

You deserved it 50 060

By sexyfail - 26/01/2010 08:59 - Australia

Today, I learned that removing your boyfriends boxers with your teeth is waaaay less sexy when you accidentally bite a chunk of his pubes and yank them out in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 236

You deserved it 27 877

Nice outing

By Anonymous - 07/12/2019 05:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I decided to treat my girlfriend by eating her out. After a while I thought she was going to cum, but instead she farted in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 458

You deserved it 779

Time consumed

By unendowed - 18/03/2012 02:11 - United States - Katy

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to go down on me with chewing gum in her mouth. I spent the next hour and a half getting Orbit out of my pubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 429

You deserved it 11 707

By Surprisebuttsecks? - 07/12/2011 04:39 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend shoved a Q-tip up my ass while I was brushing my teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 327

You deserved it 7 423

Terminology

By yummy - 30/05/2011 03:34 - United States

Today, I learned that "eating someone out" didn't actually involve food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 573

You deserved it 84 244

User manual

By Drewzter - 11/01/2010 03:33 - United States

Today, I found out that pinching the tip of the condom before you roll it down to the base is NOT a suggestion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 962

You deserved it 26 508

By PerfectBoyfriend - 07/06/2016 16:38 - Belgium - Reet

Today, my girlfriend got pissed because she thought she heard me masturbating in the bathroom. I was brushing my teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 411

You deserved it 1 917

Hummmmm

By Anonymous - 28/08/2013 16:11 - United States - Spokane

Today, I went down on my boyfriend, and tried out a new trick I learned. I read in a magazine that if you hum while giving oral, it's supposed to feel good. My boyfriend started laughing and told me to stop after 30 seconds because I reminded him of his singing toothbrush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 134

You deserved it 10 539

Saucy

By ouchhhh - 20/07/2018 05:00

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try something new in bed. He blindfolded me and I felt something cold on my lady parts. Five seconds later it started burning so I looked. He decided to use toothpaste because he couldn't find chocolate sauce to lick off. It hurts to pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 651

You deserved it 637

robc32ca 4

Friday 11 February 2011 12:08

washing is a better option

Jimboom 11

Friday 11 February 2011 12:14

Ha ha. I bet you think the idea of spicing up your sex life constitutes putting curry power on your penis.

Comments

annigotammo 1

Saturday 12 February 2011 5:36

obviously, dink.

AnagenisisZagus 13

Saturday 12 February 2011 6:11

OP, you're...not too bright are you?

Maliicious 1

Saturday 12 February 2011 6:11

This is probably the greatest comment I have ever read.

OhFiona1 0

Saturday 12 February 2011 6:19

Minty fresh penis!

MileyCyrusIsHot 5

Saturday 12 February 2011 6:26

lol

Bosia 0

Saturday 12 February 2011 6:43

Let me guess: she swallows?

blakesmyman 0

Saturday 12 February 2011 6:54

dude.. that's freakin hilarious.

NCR 0

Saturday 12 February 2011 7:07

mmmhhhmmmmmmmm wanna try?

shaaayyee 0

Saturday 12 February 2011 7:54

your an idiot.

nickflackafury 0

Saturday 12 February 2011 8:41

well duh. who likes the taste of toothpaste. "oh yum I love crest flavored dick." those words will never be spoken.

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The Top

Today, my boss sprang a company workshop on us that I was not informed of, which kept me at work until 10 PM. He expected us all back at 8 AM the next day to continue. On a good day it takes me 3 hours to commute. I got written up for being 10 minutes late to the workshop, after getting up at 4 AM to get there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 597

You deserved it 124

Today, my husband has destroyed 4 mattresses in 6 years, not through accidental fires or anything, not even through vigorous sex, it’s just that his 24-stone bulk crushes the springs, wears divots in the memory foam, and eventually splits the fabric so the stuffing leaks out. Every time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 765

You deserved it 215

The Top

Today, I realized that the past 10 years of my life was wasted on being a decent and helpful person only to have people lie about me, physically and verbally attack me, try to ruin my personal and professional life, and even cause me to go into debt and deep depression. All of this because I fell in love with a guy 10 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 432

You deserved it 200

Today, I made several beautiful steaks on the grill, then set them to rest. While I left to use the bathroom, my four year-old decided they looked yucky and poured syrup on them. My wife was too busy giggling and recording it to stop her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 010

You deserved it 201

Today, I found out why I couldn't properly breathe nor sleep for the past 2 days. I'm allergic to the new kitty litter. This is the special litter I had to buy because my snowflake cat is allergic to all the other brands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 034

You deserved it 707

Today, I'm sick. I got the flu shot for the first time ever this year and for the first time in my life, I have the flu. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 860

You deserved it 5 208

Today, at my work at a designer clothing store, we received a list of photos from the police of known shoplifters. My coworkers were looking at the list saying "Eugh, look at that one: you'd shoplift with a face like that". I walked over and saw that they were looking at a photo of my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 619

You deserved it 6 401

Today, I got a call from Red Cross about the blood donation I gave last week. They informed me that I have Hepatitis C. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 523

You deserved it 4 272