Intimacy, Health and Wanker: Ouch

Ouch

By Jackmeister - 03/11/2018 03:00

Today, I jacked off in the shower using soap with scrubbing beads in it. My penis is so chaffed, it hurts to put on pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 351

You deserved it 7 370

St. Patrick's Day: Shamrocks and Tribulations
Green anecdotes of jealousy, full of shamrocks and pints, for a memorable St. Patrick's Day! More…

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Same thing different taste

By soapy - 01/10/2011 16:08 - Canada

Today, while taking a shower, my back hair caused so much friction against the bar of soap, it stuck for a good second before coming free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 076

You deserved it 8 936

By Anonymous - 24/11/2018 09:30 - United States - Henderson

Today, I decided to take a relaxing shower. My face mask made my face break out in hives. While exfoliating, my nipples became chafed. Then I slipped and cut myself while shaving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 693

You deserved it 353

By Metime - 05/11/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, I ran out of my usual hand lotion that I use for 'me time'. I instead decided to try and us my after shave lotion as a replacement. Apparently, my member doesn't agree with one of the ingredients, and has now swollen to the size of my fist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 678

You deserved it 33 489

Pissed

By Matt - 13/04/2024 09:00 - United States

Today, at work, I wet my pants. I had to throw my tighty-whities away. Since I didn't have underwear on, I chafed real bad and got a rash on my butthole and near my balls. I had to push my boyfriend off of me, all because it hurt too much to touch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 186

You deserved it 532

Take it easy on yourself

By Anonymous - 25/04/2022 00:01

Today, I came back home from a holiday with family. Finally being on my own, I did some catching up on my masturbation. I have jerked off so much and/or so vigorously, I now have a carpet burn on my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 320

You deserved it 1 663

Snowflake

By Bullocks - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Rochester

Today, while I was at work in a machine shop, I cut myself really bad. Not with any of the sharp tools, drills, or metals I work with. Just the soap dispenser. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 576

You deserved it 4 536

Sexy moves

By what sex life? - 02/08/2016 06:26 - United States - Nashville

Today, while in the shower with my boyfriend, I tried to heat things up by washing his knob with my loofa. He couldn't stop laughing and eventually laughed so hard that he slipped and fell. He now has a bruised butt while I have a missing toenail from catching his fall. Ouch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 291

You deserved it 2 897

By Colton - 20/12/2011 02:29 - United States

Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to spurt my man-mush into an old gym sock, and had picked up some concentrated bronzer. I now have neon-orange hands and genitals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 978

You deserved it 50 603

Rubbing it in

By Anonymous - 12/03/2022 22:00

Today, since splitting up with my girlfriend, I’ve watched so much porn I think I’ve given myself a friction burn on my clit, so now not only does it hurt to even walk normally, it’s way too painful to masturbate, so I’m now horny all the frigging time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 575

You deserved it 1 282

By Philip - 17/02/2017 16:00 - Australia

Today, my roommate told me that when he takes a shower he likes to swipe the bar of soap in between his butt cheeks, "like a credit card." I use that soap on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 882

You deserved it 1 662

NostalgiaFreak9 41

Saturday 3 November 2018 3:47

Congrats, you just failed No Nut November.

Brian Brown_512904633 10

Saturday 3 November 2018 3:04

I have some course sandpaper. They say it great if you like it rough.

Comments

A Frenchy in Eire 31

Saturday 3 November 2018 12:43

I don't have a penis so I have to ask: wouldn't you have felt it hurt in the first few second of your fapping session?

WHSKitty4ever 23

Saturday 3 November 2018 16:27

She said ‘tapping.” Awesome.

sheltongrn 7

Saturday 3 November 2018 13:39

Darwin effect. Protecting the rest of the world from stupid.

acmariner99 25

Saturday 3 November 2018 14:48

At least you are too uncomfortable to reproduce. So thank you for your public service

JustThatPerson 21

Saturday 3 November 2018 20:27

You tried to cheat No Nut November. But karma bit you in the peni- ass.

fabs1171 23

Sunday 4 November 2018 12:16

Ribbed for his pleasure? Oh never mind OP, I’ll let myself out

TumblrweedPasses 11

Monday 5 November 2018 0:28

Did it not start feeling uncomfortable during self sexfoliating?? When was this ever gonna be a good idea

Sarah Marie_1459472994 5

Monday 18 February 2019 5:21

Idiot

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The Top

Today, my obsession with Polish women tried to "graduate" and become my religion. The obsession I had caught from hearing other dudes' ethnic fetishes online was about to become the start of a New Religious Movement. Now I'm stuck with the realization that I have an incredibly cringey brain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50

You deserved it 568

Today, I was having sex with my husband. As I was undressing, he said, "Arr, I spy me some booty!" I let it go, I'm used to his embarassing pirate talk. But as he orgasmed, he screamed, "I'VE FOUND THE BURIED TREASURE!" My neighbors heard in the apartment next door and called to let me know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 263

You deserved it 7 133

The Top

Today, my boyfriend decided he hates my male best friend because they have "conflicting interests." My best friend's response? "What's his gamertag so I can shoot him in Halo?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 949

You deserved it 7 381

Today, I'm flying out of the country in a few hours. A plane from the same airline just crashed into the Hudson River and is now floating in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 151

You deserved it 2 704

Today, my mother-in-law tried to "accidentally" run me over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 387

You deserved it 4 208

Today, my mom scolded me for not taking driving lessons already. This comes a few days after she told me that, "Allowing teenagers to drive is just another way of thinning out the gene pool". FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 634

You deserved it 3 201

Today, I broke my leg while riding a bike. The doctor couldn’t help laughing when he saw on the X-ray that the broken tip of my bone looked like a puzzle piece. FML

I agree, your life sucks 578

You deserved it 53

Today, I sliced my finger on a frozen chicken cutlet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 721

You deserved it 2 794