Wanker and Intimacy: The Crank

The Crank

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, the closest I came to doing something that could be vaguely construed as "constructive" was wanking and crying. Sometimes simultaneously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 423

You deserved it 28 728

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Top comments

dudeitsdanny 9

Thursday 4 August 2011 8:56

Are you so bad you can't even satisfy yourself? e.e... I'm sorry, this is just pathetic.. Crying and masturbating? masturbation guilt? I.. I can't even fathom this. How can you even get off while crying?

flockz 19

Thursday 4 August 2011 8:54

BUT I CRIED THE WHOLE!! oh wait u didnt have sex.....

Comments

Hutchie931 15

Sunday 23 October 2016 14:03

Closest I "came" *hehehe childish laughter*

RadTxAngel18 5

Monday 20 May 2019 22:22

Hope you’re doing alright and got the help you needed

Keywords

Cats Animals Gross Poopoo peepee Love Smells Awkward Miscellaneous Embarrassing Health Painful First Dates Christmas Work Music Social Media Grieving Anniversary Boredom Abuse Ironic Intimacy Drunk Am I overreacting? Alcohol Transportation AITA Parents Kids Gun control

The Top

Today, my husband had confessed that we couldn't go on a vacation this spring because he was out of vacation time. He took two weeks off and pretended to go to work, then came home once I'd left. Another woman? No, some stupid shit in his video game called "Runescape Leagues." FML

I agree, your life sucks 492

You deserved it 141

Today, my son is apparently old enough for his dad to teach him the “Don’t tell mommy” game, such as, "Don’t tell mommy you had extra dessert", or "Don’t tell mommy it was daddy who accidentally broke the window with daddy’s secret new air rifle." FML

I agree, your life sucks 922

You deserved it 181

The Top

Today, like every other day, I turn up at work at the security guard's gate to show my ID badge. Except that my brother had stuck a huge "FBI" sticker on it. My co-workers now all call me Mulder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 400

You deserved it 3 168

Today, I got my wisdom teeth cut out. While my girlfriend was driving me home, I, still being high on the laughing gas, accidentally admitted to cheating on her. She was kind enough to wait until the numbness wore off before she punched me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 486

You deserved it 120 584

Today, after getting dumped by my boyfriend, I tried to find comfort in one of my closest friends. He embraced me while I struggled against tears, and after a few moments of silence said, "Hey, you know what? I would fuck you anytime. Anytime." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 240

You deserved it 10 108

Today, my boss told me that we're having a big meeting tomorrow, with lots of important people. Before leaving the room he added, "Please, tomorrow, try to dress better." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 912

You deserved it 6 460

Today, my girlfriend agreed to doing it doggy style. During it all, I pulled on her hair. I guess I pulled too hard, because when I let go, her face smacked straight into the bedside table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 979

You deserved it 45 822

Today, my mom informed me she got married two weeks ago. Hard to congratulate her when this is her eighth husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 610

You deserved it 1 470