The reverse beard
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That's one spiteful bitch. You should sneak into her room while she's sleeping and shave her head, so she really looks like a lesbian. I kid, I kid. Please refrain from the "omgz U R teh stereotyperest!!1" comments.
I would venture that the fact that you were in love with her for 4 years BEFORE you were together is a bigger FML. That said, that totally sucks.