Today, I asked a table at a restaurant if there's anything I... - FML

By Anonymous - 13/03/2019 12:00 - United States - Salem

Today, I asked a table at a restaurant if there's anything I could get out of their way and they replied, "Yeah, you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 236

You deserved it 241

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Same thing different taste

By serverdessert - 08/03/2009 21:02 - United States

Today, at the restaurant where I work, I served a table of 4 middle-age women. Before greeting the table, I was deciding between saying "Can I get you anything to drink?" and "Can I start you off with something?" My actual greeting? "Can I get you ladies off?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 563

You deserved it 19 293

By Anonymous - 06/02/2011 17:53 - United States

Today, while waiting on a customer at a restaurant, I accidentally asked a midget if she'd like a children's menu. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 755

You deserved it 30 577

The customer is always something

By YEEYEE517 - 03/09/2019 22:00

Today, working in retail, I noticed a customer looking for an item, so I walked up to them and asked, "Is there something I can help you find?" He replied, "Did I ask for your fucking help?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 880

You deserved it 200

By mynameisarmpit - 15/11/2010 06:48

Today, I went out to eat with my girlfriend. The waiter came up and was being nice. He said, "What can I get you two gentlemen?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 722

You deserved it 4 670

Tipped off

By Anonymous - 30/09/2014 23:42 - United States - Richmond

Today, I was taking a table's order. After I finished, the guy told me, "Just FYI, I'm not a tipper." Trying to lighten up the situation, I replied, "It's amazing how many people forget I handle their food." He complained to the manager that I'd threatened him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 752

You deserved it 10 173

By hadrienne's pall - 13/05/2016 19:25 - Canada - Markham

Today, I asked a girl at the restaurant I work at if she'd had enough to eat. When she said yes, I said, "Are you sure?" I didn't realize how insulting it sounded until her equally overweight mom was up in my face, demanding to see my manager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 977

You deserved it 4 283

Remember me?

By sydthekid2000 - 23/03/2020 20:08

Today, I called my workplace to ask if I was going to be working, and if our store would be open. I was told that yes, we're still open, however, I can order inside, but I can’t sit in the dining room. They thought I was a customer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 306

You deserved it 278

No joke

By It was worth a shot - 28/08/2024 02:00 - United States

Today, I was at a local restaurant. When I went to pay my bill, one of the owners jokingly said, "Are you here to apply for a job?" Since I've been unemployed for a while and trying to find work, I said, "What would you like me to do?" She replied, "That was a rhetorical question." I knew it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 378

You deserved it 96

By IhadToTakeCareOfTraumatizedFish - 03/03/2016 05:32 - United States - Iowa Park

Today, while I was working at a sushi restaurant, a guy told me he wanted the table next to the "koi fish tank", because he wanted to let the fish know what happens when they "cross him". FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 642

You deserved it 2 570

By Anonymous - 24/04/2018 03:44

Today, while working at a restaurant, I told an old couple that their “vibrator will go off when a table is available.” I meant to say pager. They walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 907

You deserved it 997

Next

Top comments

manb91uk 22

Wednesday 13 March 2019 18:25

That's one articulate table - God damn!

MidnaLink 33

Wednesday 13 March 2019 18:39

He’s still better with his comments than you. I have half a mind to suspect you have Tourettes.

Comments

manb91uk 22

Wednesday 13 March 2019 18:25

That's one articulate table - God damn!

MidnaLink 33

Wednesday 13 March 2019 18:39

He’s still better with his comments than you. I have half a mind to suspect you have Tourettes.

manb91uk 22

Wednesday 13 March 2019 20:22

Careful, he'll be posting pointless abuse on every one of your comments next! It's actually kinda flattering though... I've never had a crazy stalker before! 😂

RichardPencil 30

Wednesday 13 March 2019 18:31

You’re probably going to get stiffed in the tip, so it might be fun if their food was lightly seasoned with spit, boogers and earwax. ;)

mas12806 24

Thursday 14 March 2019 2:26

What do talking tables usually say?

Porsha Carver 1

Friday 15 March 2019 3:35

#SHADE U know not to be expecting a tip from them then smh 🧾

Keywords

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The Top

Today, I drove past a firehouse that had volunteer firemen taking collections. I take out a $20 and start to roll the window down when I remember my window was broken. I ended up driving by, holding the $20 against the window, staring at the fireman. Now the fireman thinks I was taunting him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 843

You deserved it 17 114

Today, after training for 3 months for a marathon, three weeks from race day I tripped and fell during my last long run and cracked a rib, so I took ten painful days off. I decided to go try a short run to see if maybe I could still try the race, and got attacked by a German Shepard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 558

You deserved it 113

The Top

Today, I asked my girlfriend to marry me. She said no because she doesn't want to be tied down for the rest of her life. We already have 3 children, a mortgage, and joint bank accounts. How much more tied down could we possibly get? FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 931

You deserved it 2 836

Today, I came home sick. After a while I received a text message. I thought it was a sweet 'how are you baby?' from my boyfriend. It wasn't. He sent: 'Hey, I'm going to work now. Please do not disturb. Thank you!' FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 067

You deserved it 5 992

Today, my date took nearly 10 minutes to get an erection, had to be shown where the entrance to my vagina was, since he kept missing it and poking me in the thigh, he orgasmed after only 3 thrusts, fell asleep straight away, then an hour later had the nerve to ask if I’d had fun too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 333

You deserved it 597

Today, as a tax preparer, I had to deliver the bad news that a lady owed a very large sum in taxes. I even had my supervisor check my work as this was serious. Apparently she has been claiming exemptions she doesn't qualify for for years by going to another local tax office that closed down last year, due to fraud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 524

You deserved it 75

Today, I was waiting in a doctor's office when I was approached by an elderly woman. She told me all about the ripping of her stitches in a very private place, in exhaustive detail. Of course, today was the day my doctor chose to be an hour late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 128

You deserved it 1 722

Today, I coughed so hard that I tore an intercostal muscle in my ribs. Now I can't cover my cough, as I have to cross my arms against my ribcage to stop the pain. FML, FML, F Me All Day Long (sung to the tune of Jingle Bells). FML

I agree, your life sucks 939

You deserved it 138