Intimacy: Today, I spent my first night at my boyfriend's place, and my...

By cockfist - 04/03/2014 22:41 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I spent my first night at my boyfriend's place, and my first night sleeping beside him. I woke up in the early hours to him holding me and muttering in his sleep something like "surprise fisting". I'm beyond terrified. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 229

You deserved it 6 716

Thanksgiving: Turkeys and Skids
Family meals that turn absurd, because Thanksgiving is also about laughing at little disasters. More…

Previous FML Next FML

Same thing different taste

By anonymaiacciu - 22/12/2012 01:16 - France

Today, after sharing my first night in bed with my boyfriend, I woke up early, and decided to rouse him with some surprise oral. It didn't go so well; he woke up screaming and gasped, "OH MY GOD! I thought you were my cat!" before telling me to continue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 802

You deserved it 8 964

Night terror

By Kira - 12/06/2021 04:01

Today, it was my first time sleeping at my boyfriend’s house. I happened to have an incredibly realistic nightmare in which I woke up to thousands of centipedes crawling all over my body. My boyfriend got to watch me scream and slap myself repeatedly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 874

You deserved it 106

By Wet dreamer - 17/01/2018 19:00

Today, I slept in my boyfriend's room for the first time. I also wet the bed for the first time in a decade. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 937

You deserved it 778

Big night

By mybad7 - 15/09/2009 08:13 - Australia

Today, I finally decided to sleep with my boyfriend. It was my first time and I was really nervous so when he was being all romantic with candles and wine I went a bit overboard and drank too much. I passed out. I woke up a few hours later, still a virgin, and in a puddle of my own piss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 971

You deserved it 34 686

By disapointed girl - 28/12/2009 16:58 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a month and I had sex for the first time. We started in the shower and then moved to his bedroom. He then feel asleep when I was on top. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 008

You deserved it 5 892

By Anonymous - 11/12/2011 11:54 - Australia

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, he laid on the bed, silent and naked in the fetal position, I had to sit there stroking his head for an hour. I think I raped my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 282

You deserved it 8 649

Awkward

By Anonymous - 29/03/2021 00:30

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to cuddle as we usually do. To prepare for this, the first thing I always do is dive into bed. This time, I felt something squishy under the covers, and screamed when I saw it was a Fleshlight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 608

You deserved it 897

By JoshuasGirl - 23/12/2013 19:13 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. After he'd repeatedly told me not to worry about bleeding, and reassuring me that he'd take care of me, he passed out halfway through. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 098

You deserved it 6 453

By ohfantastic - 25/01/2009 02:47 - United States

Today, I was sleeping with my boyfriend and woke up in his arms to hear him say "Mom, Mom." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 696

You deserved it 2 385

By vagina dentata for christmas, pls - 25/01/2013 18:51 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my new boyfriend, and he took me back to his house for the first time. Taped to his bedroom door was a sheet of paper emblazoned with the words: "THE RAPE DUNGEON". I feel safer already. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 773

You deserved it 5 049

wolfgold2 20

Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:19

So, what happened next? ;)

Cwizer 17

Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:20

I think he might just be happy and thinking of ways to please you.

Comments

Skullman64 3

Thursday 6 March 2014 15:28

He could be talking about fly fishing

iislix1ii 19

Sunday 9 March 2014 8:07

Maybe he wanted to go to a rave with you

scubanick 10

Wednesday 12 March 2014 13:54

Ha ha I think I wet myself a little bit reading that. So visual lol

The_Mad_Writer 3

Friday 11 April 2014 8:47

Lol try not to worry. I woke up to find myself giving my boyfriend a hand job!!!

xenrix 1

Monday 5 May 2014 9:43

was he making vigorous jazz hands

maesterkrabs 9

Sunday 18 May 2014 16:18

this is the only fml to ever make me laugh.

Feldgrep 8

Tuesday 10 June 2014 23:54

Holy crap that's the hardest I've laughed in forever

timakramer 14

Saturday 17 January 2015 10:27

Oh my god really?!? I'm fricken crying over here :D

mthurston 14

Tuesday 17 March 2015 3:06

So just curious, has anyone here ever been surprise fisted?

yahtzeesouls 12

Wednesday 13 April 2016 17:53

Guaranteed he was ******* with you.

Keywords

Love Cheating Money Relatable Work Jealousy My ex Accident Health Medication ADHD Snow Weather Miscellaneous Awkward Embarrassing Relationship advice Am I overreacting? Weird Dating AITA Sleep Annoying Parents Mental health Furniture Kids Gross Friends Fight

The Top

Today, mid-sex, my wife told me to call her a nasty slut. I was kind of uncomfortable doing it, but I did it to make her horny. She started crying, because she didn’t realise how much it would hurt her feelings. Now I’m not sure if she’s mad at me or herself, but I’m scared either way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 737

You deserved it 280

Today, there was a long queue at the store, and behind me were two senior citizens. I wanted to do a good deed, so I said, "Cut before me in line, I have all the time in the world." My reward? The old man scolded me because I supposedly insinuated that they were old, and only had a short time left to live. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 423

You deserved it 13 444

The Top

Today, I'm halfway through of packing my stuff as we are moving to another flat. I discovered that I got chickenpox, which means that I should do no hard physical work. I've got a fever and a headache. It started raining in the morning, so loading stuff to truck is going to be so much fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 700

You deserved it 127

Today, while trying to give an immunization to a "special" 13-year-old, I got spit on, kicked, almost bitten, and had a chair thrown at me. When it was all over, I flinched when the patient tried to hug me. Her mom called me a "b*tch" and I later found out she wasn't a "special" child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 341

You deserved it 3 814

Today, I discovered that my husband doesn't wash his hands after using the toilet. Too bad I got to found out after three years of marriage, and while his finger was in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 172

You deserved it 195

Today, I tried to seduce my long term boyfriend into doing the deed for about an hour. He didn't even put his phone down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 105

You deserved it 243

Today, I brought my best friend to the strip club as a birthday gift, as he had mentioned that he'd never been to one before. It might have been ruined by the discovery that his daughter had a new job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 128

You deserved it 1 252

Today, I almost got fired from my job because I was caught "sleeping" during a virtual meeting. I wasn't asleep; I was on mute, and my internet froze while I was mid-yawn. It took a while for my boss to grapple with and understand the concept, but still… FML

I agree, your life sucks 429

You deserved it 72

Same thing different taste

Night terror

Big night

Awkward

Top comments

Comments