Drugs and Health: Today, I took a drug test. Not only did I fail the drug test,... - FML

By heck - 12/08/2016 13:57

Today, I took a drug test. Not only did I fail the drug test, but I mostly missed the sample cup and got urine all over my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 154

You deserved it 18 520

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Same thing different taste

By Anonymous - 05/04/2014 23:16 - United States - Windsor Heights

Today, I had to take a drug test for a new job. I ended up spilling the cup of pee all over myself. I had to explain what had happened, then go sit in a waiting room full of disgusted-looking people, while I kept drinking water to fill my bladder back up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 413

You deserved it 6 445

By overflowing - 16/04/2011 22:20 - United States

Today, I had to take a mandatory drug test with the doctor present. Nervous, I couldn't get myself to pee in the cup right away. When I finally did, I couldn't stop myself from overfilling the cup and getting pee all over myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 195

You deserved it 8 672

Butterfingers

By caqi33 - 08/03/2011 18:23 - United States

Today, I dropped my urine sample on my pants. Not only do I now not have a sample, it looks like I pissed myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 225

You deserved it 9 005

By Tib - 18/12/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, I had to take a urine test. I drank a lot of water so that I wouldn't force it. When I got there, I had to pee really bad. The cup was too small and when I relieved my bladder, it was a jet that rebounded off of the cup and overflowed going all over my hands, clothes, toilet, and floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 390

You deserved it 26 481

By thinking of military school - 23/10/2016 20:35

Today, I drug tested my son for weed. He purposely filled the cup up to the top out of spite and I got piss all over my hands. Oh, and he failed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 502

You deserved it 3 689

By xharmonyx - 24/04/2012 08:29 - United States

Today, I paid for someone else's piss so that I could pass my drug test. I didn't pass the drug test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 760

You deserved it 71 095

Are you taking the piss?

By Anonymous - 28/05/2019 14:00

Today, I was being drug tested as part of a pre-employment policy for substitute teaching. Once I had peed in the cup enough to pass the line, I put it on the only available space: the toilet paper holder. Trying to get toilet paper, I knocked the cup over, spilling pee all over myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 520

You deserved it 914

By urinanalysis - 03/12/2009 16:08 - Canada

Today, I went to get blood and urine tests done before work. As I was attempting to aim into the cup, I lost balance and slipped. I ended up peeing on my sleeves and my pants. I was late for work and I smelled like pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 365

You deserved it 7 313

By slaughterteddy - 20/07/2016 23:23 - United States

Today, I spent two hours trying to catch a urine sample whilst at urgent care due to my inability to pee in public restrooms. I finally managed one, and was so excited by my success that I fumbled it and spilled it on my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 040

You deserved it 2 547

By Confused - 13/05/2013 14:39 - United States - Bath

Today, I was told I would not be getting the job I was offered because I failed my drug test. They never gave me a drug test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 631

You deserved it 3 144

Next

Top comments

5t3ff1k4h 44

Saturday 13 August 2016 17:18

The idea of a drug test is to ensure you don't have any drugs in your system, not to see how many drugs you can cram into your system at once. YDI.

theblondeone 16

Saturday 13 August 2016 17:16

Why would you take a drug test if you know you're going to fail?

Comments

unspoken96 9

Saturday 13 August 2016 21:18

some medicines can give a negative result...

Aethereal 14

Saturday 13 August 2016 23:22

I think you mean "positive". In that case, though, there'd be medical records or receipts to check. (Always be wary of OTC stuff.)

kristinjeaneen 21

Saturday 13 August 2016 21:25

Way to waste people's time and money on a drug test you knew you were going to fail. YDI

EvilLittleMan 23

Saturday 13 August 2016 22:32

Urine the unemployment line.

Jdgreen429 13

Sunday 14 August 2016 1:00

Well you sound like a winner

justsayingbeach 15

Sunday 14 August 2016 1:13

Proven studies show drug tests are almost pointless unless someone's used in 24 hours so waste of everyone's money really

BREADFAN 5

Sunday 14 August 2016 1:35

If you ever want to get rid of your addiction, the drug hotline numbers for different countries is: 1-800-662-4357 (u.s.a), 0808-8005015 (u.k), 1300-36-36-32 (Australia), 142 (Austria), 106 (Belgium), 3911270 (Botswana), 604-872-3312 (Canada)

Hambrick_Face 1

Sunday 14 August 2016 1:57

Sounds like you forgot to study. Drug tests don't piss themselves positive.

ericanicole1 12

Sunday 14 August 2016 5:30

This just made me remember the scene from workaholics where the guy from the company is like 'were gonna be doing drug tests today' and the other guy (i don't remember names) said 'cool what kind of drugs are we testing?'

tntscl 4

Sunday 14 August 2016 5:58

That's why it's always a good idea to be sober while taking a UA

tragik313 3

Sunday 14 August 2016 7:17

haha where you high at the time? that's the only way this gets funnier. do what the smart stoners do. three weeks sober and lots of water. if you failed for real drugs (not weed) get help man.

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The Top

Today, I was driving without my seatbelt on, when I noticed a police car approaching. I panicked and desperately fumbled around for my seatbelt, only for them to pass by with just a funny look. Then it hit me that I was riding my motorcycle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 551

You deserved it 49 635

Today, I found out that my boyfriend lost a bunch of money by buying some scam cryto crap linked to that "Hawk tuah" girl. Easiest break-up ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 476

You deserved it 116

The Top

Today, at the end of my 10-hour shift, my manager made me count exactly how many business cards were left in inventory before I could leave. She didn't believe me when the number came to exactly 3000. She made me count them all again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 292

You deserved it 801

Today, I fell asleep with my new iPad on my chest, so when I woke up and pushed my duvet off me, the iPad went flying off me and broke on the floor. It’s my first ever iPad, my mom bought it for me for high school and I’ve only had it a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 415

You deserved it 1 129

Today, the air bag system in my car somehow malfunctioned, and the air bag inflated while I was driving, causing me to lose control and crash into a street light. I ended up with a badly bruised face because the air bag had already deflated by then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 935

You deserved it 1 766

Today, my girlfriend made me put a blanket over my head while giving me a blowjob because she didn't like the faces I was making. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 679

You deserved it 7 399

Today, my boyfriend decided to name his penis "Jesus". For the last two hours he's been continuously asking if I "want to be touched by Jesus" or will I "let Jesus in to spread his warmth." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 318

You deserved it 5 225

Today, on Xmas Eve, my eight-year-old and ten-year-old children and I sat down to watch 'Mr. Stink', an Xmas film about a scruffy, stinky tramp. When he first appeared on screen my children both exclaimed in unison, "He looks like you, dad!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 384

You deserved it 730