I would say it's controlling more than abusive.

If the controlling actions get bad enough, it could be considered abuse because it hinders the bf's free will and choices, which would fall under emotional abuse. However, there isn't enough information to tell if the relationship has gotten to this point yet. Although, given this incident, I'm willing to bet the gf's behavior will get worse. Either way, her actions aren't right and it's cause for alarm.

it depends on if he thinks she's hot or whatever.. my fiance isnt allowed to be best friends with females because all of his female "best friends" have sent him nudes while I was pregnant or recovering from a c section.. it depends on the situation.. and it's not really abuse.

Or you could always be there for him when that moment almost inevitably comes like the true friend he wasn't. One of them has to be the true friend, so in this case it may as well be the one who's vision isn't clouded by a controlling bitch.

I know, right?! Unless you're in her shoes, you'll think it's not good of her to do that, but if she doesn't like it, she doesn't. That's it. It's better than her lying and pretending to be okay with it.

Y'all are going about your deductions all wrong. She is free to be uncomfortable with it all she wants, but when you marry someone, you accept them and trust them with everything you are. So friendly though they may be, she should not have a lack of faith in her partner to do the right thing if ever that moment arose.

If you are trying to choose who you're SO is friends with, it's controlling.

#50 there is an old saying "trust but verify" and it works in every part of life. Anyone that thinks you can trust any one person completely is deluded about basic human nature.

If by deluded about basic human nature you mean assuming not everyone is a backstabber, then yes, guilty as charged.

Come on, it wouldn't be reasonable for a man to hold his relationship hostage to force his girlfriend to stop talking to a guy friend. It isn't reasonable for a girl to hold an engagement hostage to force her potential fiance to stop talking to his female friend. That sounds manipulative and controlling. This is why women are just passed off as "psycho bitches" and "crazy" when in actuality they can be ABUSERS just as men can. It makes it harder for male victims of abuse to be taken seriously. And to everyone like, "Screw your friend if he comes crawling back to you"...y'all have no idea what it's like to be with a controlling partner. Have some compassion. Maybe it's because I can't hold a grudge but I'd take back a friend who was emotionally blackmailed and therefore coerced to isolate himself from me. FFS.

If he had so many problems, he would've chose not to stay with her, or try to solve things between her and Op, but he didn't. Everyone makes their own choices and has their own unique opinion. If it doesn't make sense to you, doesn't mean it's senseless. Everyone's perspective is different. Get over it and stop blaming anyone.

because no body needs friends, right?

Thank you # 26. My bf best female friends (ps he has more than 1 or 2) but for real ex are Girl #1. someone who he has kissed in the past before we started dating (ps in the past she cheated on her now ex- fiancé before so i want her to stay away from my bf) Girl #2. even though he told her a year a ago he started to date me & it was serious, she "joked" that she wasn't giving up on him. Now ill get down voted or whatever but i can say this. im not insecure, jealous, controlling, or crazy. I'm just being cautious, im uncomfortable around them & the thought of them, and i just don't like them or the idea of them. (yes ive meet them, and i was completely nice, but i dont like them i tried but no). I already told him this much & he completely understands, i didn't cut them from his life i just don't want them near us, just bc they or us are in the area. (ps but i dont want #2 to ever be alone with him, not sure if she would attempt anything)

Thank you # 26. My bf best female friends (ps he has more than 1 or 2) but for real ex are Girl #1. someone who he has kissed in the past before we started dating (ps in the past she cheated on her now ex- fiancé before so i want her to stay away from my bf) Girl #2. even though he told her a year a ago he started to date me & it was serious, she "joked" that she wasn't giving up on him. Now ill get down voted or whatever but i can say this. im not insecure, jealous, controlling, or crazy. I'm just being cautious, im uncomfortable around them & the thought of them, and i just don't like them or the idea of them. (yes ive meet them, and i was completely nice, but i dont like them i tried but no). I already told him this much & he completely understands, i didn't cut them from his life i just don't want them near us, just bc they or us are in the area. (ps but i dont want #2 to ever be alone with him, not sure if she would attempt anything). And yes I have complete trust & faith in him, his own mother has even told me (more like warn me not to break his heart) "I just wanted you to know that he would never do anything to hurt you because he's been hurt before & that he absolutely loves you very much, it hurts him so much, thats how much he loves you".

sorry about that i ran out of time to finish editing & it wouldn't let me post so i had to make a new one. it should be the last one #155

Ahhh yes, Victoria... That was kind if a downer.... but not as much as that shit ending.

What makes it even better is that the OP is from Canada

While he is in the wrong as well, making your SO choose is wrong. Talk to them if you feel insecure and see if you can work things out. And it wasn't even about op, he apparently isn't allowed to have close female friends. It's controlling and very bad.

He doesn't deserve a friend like you

Tbh op, you might want to help him, she's controlling his life already which might not be a good sign

Op can be there for him, but she really can't do anything unless he realizes and wants out.

So you're saying you only chatted online because of the distance.(30 hours one way) Are you implying that if your best friend from online was closer, you would meet with him? How would your husband and everyone else here feel if you would meet with your best friend to hang out? Would you let your husband know that you're going out to meet with your best friend who happens to be a man? Would you present your best friend to your husband?

Soo because I have long distance male friends online does that automatically mean I'm lying and possibly cheating on my boyfriend of 4 years? I'm sure OP has told her husband all about her male long distance best friend and he wouldn't feel threatened at all if she ever had the opportunity to hang out with him in person.

I have online friends which I've met, some I haven't met, and I talk to them often. My bf genuinely doesn't care if I talk to them because he knows I'm with him and I'm not going to do anything behind his back. He's even met some of them and got on well with them. If your partner is controlling who you talk to, then just think what else they'll try to control in the future.

thank you 1. people don't get something might happen between the two since they are best friends (my fiancée kissed his best friend back then, what if they get too close again but now they're both older but in relationships & old thing come back) 2. married ppl shouldn't be going out by themselves to meet their best friend especially bc its opposite sex even though they are married. 3. it will & can be unhealthy for them to be talking, especially if that's something you should discussing with your spouse & not an outsider. 4. lastly it has nothing to do with jealously, low confidence, or not trusting on YOUR spouse. It's perfectly normal to view ppl as a threat no matter what level of that person is (my fiancée has a lot of female friends, which btw i don't have to worry about him, i worry about them, one even declared shes not giving up on him, so guess whos not invited to our wedding just in case someone trys anything crazy).

Gonna keep this one simple, #72: you're batshit insane, no two ways about it.

ah dang i cant edit. I forgot to mention my fiancée Female best friend has already cheated once before & she was engaged and her ex fiancée is in the military (so thats super f up), so im just saying all that (previous post) bc who says she won't do it again, and my fiancée almost thought he was the guy she cheated with (which btw is super bad )

Financée: female Fiancé: male

It isn't cool that this chick is using his desire for marriage as leverage to control him. Not cool at all.

#72--Married people shouldn't be going out to meet their best friend? Married people shouldn't confide in people other than their spouse? Dude, do what you want in your life and what works with you but those are some seriously messed up demands. It's okay to have a best friend of any sex and it's most certainly okay to be able to talk with said friend about the deepest and darkest parts of your life. While a spouse is a huge part of your life, your social life doesn't have to shrivel up and die just because you got married. As long as there are no sexual feeling between best friends or any form of unrequited love, then all things are good and fine having a close best friend while married.

My favorite part is that you try to correct them, but you ****** it up yourself... :/ *fiancée

That totally depends on you. It's obvious you don't think its cheating. I never said it is cheating. I do have a question for you though. Does your boyfriend know of all of your friends, online or not? Does he approve of you having male friends, online or not? And do you give him the same right and freedom?

I've been in this situation with my guy best friend...his girlfriend hated my guts and didn't want to continue dating him if he kept talking to me...she got paranoid that he was cheating on her with me, she started monitoring his phone, and eventually they broke up because he was sick of it.

You said it yourself, your boyfriend genuinely doesn't care who you talk to and he has met some of your friends. Is the feeling mutual? You don't care if he has, or was to have female best friends? You allow him to have female best friends whether online or not? Would you like to meet them or maybe have met some of his female best friends? If the both of you have a very open and trustful relationship, that's great and rare. It would be a perfect relationship, however, you're not married. So it's not the same as OP's situation.

#85 - no one has any right to "approve" of who I have as friends. Anyone who tries to control that aspect of my life will be shown the door quite quickly...

My best friend is a man. If fact, I told my then boyfriend that my best friend had approval of all my dates. Basically, they needed to get along because they were both important to me & I couldn't be with someone who'd ask me to choose. 20 yrs later, & they're best friends too. Don't worry about other people, just worry about your partner. If you trust them, & vice versa, then other people don't matter.

That is your opinion, your right, your decision. You speak for yourself. That isn't the case for many other people. Is it equal? Is it mutual? Is it right? Not all relationships are the same. Not all partners are honest, open, and trustworthy of one another. So I ask, is it okay for a married man to have a female best friend, or multiple female friends? And is it okay for the wife of that man to have a male best friend, or multiple male friends? It all depends who you ask. Not everyone will agree. And this should be asked to people who are engaged or married. Because OP is married and the best friend is engaged and about to get married.

I've had this happen so many times. He doesn't deserve a marvelous friend like you. If the relationship ever breaks down, you should seriously think about ever letting him back into your life.

All I get from this is that a relationship with you is extremely unhealthy, you sound like a freaking prison guard.

What's with all the questions, frankmz? If you want to make a statement, just do it and stop lobbing question marks at people's heads. I'm going to make this really easy: If you force your partner to break off their friendships and seek your approval for what social contacts they are or aren't allowed to keep, you don't belong in a relationship - you belong in therapy. It has nothing to do with being married, or even with trust. It means that you are either so cripplingly insecure that everything is a threat to you, or you're dangerously controlling and are trying to isolate your partner so you're the only thing they have left and they can never leave you (that's actually on the checklist for abusive relationships. Look it up if you don't believe me.). Both are issues that have to be resolved BEFORE you get into a relationship, because they require serious psychological intervention.

#92 I'm married and I honestly don't care about gender. I have male and female best friends and my wife does not care. If you can't trust your partner with their best friend or for them to make the right decision with whomever, then you shouldn't get married. Marriage is not built on jealousy and control. Marriage is built on trust, respect, and love. if you think otherwise than you need to relinquish some control and be single for a while. No one, and I do mean no one, has a right to tell me who I can and cannot talk too. my social life doesn't end because I get married, my friends don't change because I get married, and above all else my freedom to speak to my best friend about my life, worries, and accomplishments does not end. That's a form of emotional abuse and it's not right.

#92 I'm married and I honestly don't care about gender. I have male and female best friends and my wife does not care. If you can't trust your partner with their best friend or for them to make the right decision with whomever, then you shouldn't get married. Marriage is not built on jealousy and control. Marriage is built on trust, respect, and love. if you think otherwise than you need to relinquish some control and be single for a while. No one, and I do mean no one, has a right to tell me who I can and cannot talk too. my social life doesn't end because I get married, my friends don't change because I get married, and above all else my freedom to speak to my best friend about my life, worries, and accomplishments does not end. That's a form of emotional abuse and it's not right.

My best friend is a dude and i hang out with him. alone. and we have gone out and done day trips with my kids than my husband and i because he works a lot. yet i have never done anything more than hug the guy. quite frankly I've never even thought of it. does that mean i want his nuts or something? no. it means having an opposite best friend isn't an endangerment unless they both makenthat choice. and FYI he is single and hasn't had sex in over 3 years and has never, not once, ever made a move tiwards me in any way. none of my guy friends have. and i know im not ugly lol. but a guy/girl can be friends with no issue. OP just got the shit end of the stick

Wow. You say this to me like I'm the one who is doing this. I ask a lot of questions because who am I to pass judgement on anyone here. You're the one getting defensive about this specific situation that OP is dealing with. If you read my comments which you have, you noticed all the questions. More questions than answers or instructions, or directions, or orders. If you are such an expert about relationships and therapy, then talk to OP directly and give her your advice. Don't make me the bad guy like I am taking sides on this matter, because it's obvious that you are controlling. Telling me I shouldn't have a relationship and that I need therapy. Thank you very much for being so mature and understanding.

I hope you don't mean me? But sorry if you're considering me as a bad person because of my comments. That's messed up you would think that I'm controlling and abusive to women. But you have every right to voice your opinion and make assumptions about people you know very little of.

I was actually very clearly talking about ANY person who tries to control their partners social life to extent of making them break off social ties. If that applies to you, then yes, you need to get help. I replied to you and not OP because I found your comments mind boggling and the questions you asked useless at best and quite worrying if I'm to assume your answer to them would be anything other than yes. (Like, for example, if it would be okay for a married man to have female friends - of course it would, what are you even asking this question for?)

You're very wrong assuming that I am that type of man that you're describing. And those questions are regarding married people. If you choose to have an open relationship/marriage. Whatever marriage means to you. I believe you said it doesn't matter whether they're married or not. That is where you're making your point of view. You think everyone agrees with your views about relationships and marriage? Hell no. I know for a fact that not everyone agrees with you. But for you to make assumptions and imply that I need therapy is wrong, to say the least. So I hope you're married and have the perfect relationship, which I can only assume because I don't know if you are married and have the perfect relationship. What is a perfect relationship? Depends who you ask right? That's why I ask questions and not judge other people. I ask questions to understand their point of view and not judge people like you have.

#113, no one was saying you were giving instructions or anything. The simple fact that you need to ask whether a person needs their approval to be friends with a person of the opposite sex for example is quite shocking. Of course everyone has different opinions and values, and can rightly voice them, but I think that is what people mean when they downvote your comments and answer you. The way you ask questions implies that you're just asking us rhetorical questions and that it's obvious to you, and the directions those questions take are not really to everybody's taste. Personally I don't care if my boyfriend has girl friends, and I have a lot of guy friends, my best guy friend is like a little brother and I don't need anyone's approval. It's true some people find it a little offensive to question this freedom, that is seen as quite basic in any relationship, be it love or friendship.

You say you have a boyfriend. You are not married and not engaged. Would you think differently about all this if you were married or engaged? Now how is that rhetorical? If I don't know you or OP, and everyone else here, how am I supposed to know how one feels about this situation. That's why questions get asked. Sorry if they insult your intelligence. How is your relationship with a boyfriend the same as OP who is married? You see, I ask questions to not make assumptions. If I start making assumptions about you and your relationship, that would offend you more than the questions I have made. Again, not everyone is going to agree with you or me. That is not an assumption, that is a fact.

Hi frankmz. You want an opinion of someone who's married? Hello. I'm married. My husband has friends who are girls and friends who are guys. So do I. We know all about each other's friends, we tell each other everything and I trust him completely. As he moved all across the world to live and be with me, I have introduced him to MY female friends and encouraged him to get close to them (as friends), as I know that other than online friends back in the US he has no friends here. Also, I know that guys more easily converse and confide in girl friends than guy friends. If he becomes close friends with my girl friends, close enough that he can confide in them then I will be overjoyed, as while I will always do the best I can to be there for him all the time, there will be times I can't be there for him, and we can't always be dependent on each other as much as we'd like to be. It's not healthy either. My views on opposite-sex friendship (lol) throughout marriage was cemented long before I ever got married. It started when my mum effectively ruined my parents' marriage by flying into a jealous rage because my dad played online games with a mixture of male and - oh good heavens - female friends. I was also friends with my now-husband for several years before we got into a relationship, and during that friendship I watched him date an insane crazy jealous ***** (who cheated on him), and who felt threatened by his female friends including me. I swore to never be like her, or my mum. Any 'opinions' you may be accustomed to, frankmz, from insecure people who are afraid of their spouses being friends with those of the opposite sex, are literally that - insecure fears. It's unhealthy. If you are afraid that your husband or wife will leave you should they get too close to another man or woman, then why are you married with them? And if you are not afraid, then why is it a big deal what genitalia your spouse's friends happen to have? Objective answers please. (There ya go, try answering some questions instead of throwing them out, then denying you were being passive aggressive).

Hmmmm give it time...... Less communication to start with... Eventually he will come around... If he is decent and worth the wait...

I respect your opinion. And the example of your mom is the point I am making. I am not stating that a man/woman cannot have friends. I am stating that everyone will not agree with your point of view. Not every relationship is the same, especially like your relationship. Then you say I am passive aggressive, when you, yes you, just contradicted yourself. You said you and your husband tell each other everything, yet you said you you're fine with him confiding things to other women because you will not always be there for him, that its not healthy? Whether that makes sense or not, those are your words. You said you guys trust each other but at the same time you say you can't always be there for him. Just going off your words, not trying to offend you in any way, but thank you for the insight regarding the relationship in your marriage.

"And the example of your mom is the point I am making." What point exactly? That my opinions don't coincide with the views of a crazy woman who caused a divorce and destroyed a family? (That's actually not even the tip of the iceberg of shit she has and still does, btw) My mum should set NO example of how to sustain a marriage. Lmao. "You said you and your husband tell each other everything, yet you said you you're fine with him confiding things to other women because you will not always be there for him, that its not healthy?" You're starting to not make any sense at all, but yes, my husband and I tell each other everything. I also have no problem with him confiding things to other women. Whenever this has happened, he's always told me about it afterwards. We don't keep secrets. That's sort of how a trusting relationship works. I am just one person, I can support him and give him advice but sometimes having someone with a different approach or advice to give can be helpful. This person is what we call a friend, and friends come in all shapes and sizes and sets of genitalia. (lol). "You said you guys trust each other but at the same time you say you can't always be there for him." NOBODY can be there for another person 100% of the time. Unless they're a slave in someone's basement. People have jobs, lives, friends. People also occasionally need personal space for their own sanity. Otherwise you reach a state of co-dependence, which, as I said, is really unhealthy. Speaking of which, I'm giving my opinion on marriage and relationships speaking as someone who's earned a psychology degree. You're speaking as someone who has so far gotten nearly 100 downvotes on this page. Secondly, you still haven't answered my questions in my previous post. Thirdly, as someone who's studied psychology, the questions you're putting forward are of a very obvious Socratic nature. Socratic questioning is never aimless; it may seem so, but it never is. It's a way to direct someone else to give an answer you're looking for. Psychologists use it all the time, especially when dealing with 'difficult' clients. It most certainly is passive-aggressive, and very effective when used properly. But you're making it way too obvious, ticking off all the bullshit meters on everyone here. Hence the downvotes. Here's a tip: next time you try Socratic questioning, combine it with some active listening. And one question at a time. Amateur.

Frank dude. Just do everyone a favor and stop replying. Whether you're trying to or not, you're sounding like an asshole. I'm in the same boat as a lot of people in this comment thread. My girlfriend and I both have male and female friends. We both tell each other everything and keep no secrets. Neither of us are bothered by the other having friends of the opposite sex and we trust each other immensely. And to answer the question you've asked a thousand times over, no it wouldn't be any different if her and I were married. She has FML herself so if she sees this comment then I'm sure she'd back me up.

He shouldn't have to?? He doesn't control me. If he feels threatened by some guy I'm talking to online after I've assured him that there I nothing going on, and it's a problem he can leave because he apparently doesn't trust me. I don't own him, he doesn't own me.

Why are you acting like its a surprising thing to say? Meeting and hanging out with your best friend is kinda what you do. The fact that she doesn't is actually the anomaly though she has a good reason.

Coming from someone in a serious relationship. Two of my best friends are male, and both of those have a similar personality/traits as my boyfriend. I talk to them, confide in them, ask their advice and opinions concerning my relationship. Why? I am a loud, outgoing, explosive, combative extrovert, my boyfriend is a quiet, soft spoken, timid sweetheart. I need my friends advice to handle situations so we DON'T get into massive arguments because of my explosive and combatant nature. My boyfriend knows both of them and I hang out with them often. if you don't love and trust your partner, you don't have a healthy relationship