New year's day, Wanker and Intimacy: Wanking in the New Year

Wanking in the New Year

By Lonesome - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Bossier City

Today, I realized just how lonely I am when I tried to time my ejaculation to happen right as the new year started. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 799

You deserved it 13 299

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Same thing different taste

Lonely hearts

By Lena - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Germany

Today, my life became a lot more depressing. A while ago, some friends and I founded a "Forever Alone" club, because all of us were single at that time. I'm now the only member left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 725

You deserved it 3 212

By myusofwe - 06/02/2016 01:33 - Puerto Rico - Caguas

Today, I finally got the chance to sleep with the guy I like. He couldn't get it up and awkwardly tried to stick his limp penis in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 945

You deserved it 3 028

Happy New Leg

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff

Today, instead of spending New Year's Eve having a romantic night out with my fiancé as we'd planned, I'm spending it sitting beside him in the hospital because his friends convinced him to go off-road ghost-riding in the dead of night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 561

You deserved it 4 513

By Anonymous - 17/06/2018 06:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were finally having some intimate alone time together. When we really started getting into it, he suddenly prematurely jizzed in my eye. I now need surgery and have to explain to my family how I almost lost my eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 505

You deserved it 1 040

Stranger danger

By shit - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom taking a dump. It's difficult for me to do it in public, so to make it easier I kept telling myself, "Nobody's here, you're all alone." I then heard, "No, you're not." I didn't realize I was saying it out loud, or that I wasn't alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 721

You deserved it 31 746

Sounds promising

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I poured my heart out to my girlfriend of two years expressing my feelings for her. She responded with, "I'm going to bed." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 770

You deserved it 3 235

Courtesy visit

By hottytodday - 12/12/2019 05:00 - United States - Oxford

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend on our couch. Meanwhile, my parents came to visit us without telling me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 520

You deserved it 362

What's your resolutions?

By why? - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Hackensack

Today, my dad has decided to that as a New Year's resolution, he's going to strive to wear pants less often. It's only been an hour and I can already tell it's going to be a long year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 340

You deserved it 2 493

I hate myself

By trixanne - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Australia - Sydney

Today, anticipating another stressful day of work, I left my house with a cluster of thoughts in my mind. It was only when I heard my front door lock behind me, my hand still resting on the handle, that I realised I had forgotten my house keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 720

You deserved it 3 948

Piss poor prank

By peedonme - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - New Zealand

Today, I was in the toilet. Some idiots thought it was funny to throw a water balloon into the cubicle. The balloon didn't pop, but fell in the toilet, sending my own urine onto my shorts. I had 4 hours left of school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 270

You deserved it 2 951

junkman6 22

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:31

Life's all about having goals right?

Llamacod 11

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:31

The best way to start out any New Years is with an ******

Comments

nitrog100 21

Wednesday 1 January 2014 23:34

Well that was depressing.

bradix1186 12

Wednesday 1 January 2014 23:57

Way to go OP!

twelve_oh_seven 11

Thursday 2 January 2014 0:06

I wanna know of he got it?

Annjelina 11

Thursday 2 January 2014 1:11

Did it work?

KSer4lifeee 8

Thursday 2 January 2014 1:37

3...2...1... JACK OFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!

Capt_Air713 13

Thursday 2 January 2014 2:29

That's pretty weird OP...

el_dew 4

Thursday 2 January 2014 3:06

gotta end 2013 and start 2014 with a bang one way or another

StanBVB 10

Thursday 2 January 2014 3:26

I'm honestly disappointed that I didn't think to do that.

martin8337 35

Thursday 2 January 2014 4:05

If you are that lonely, why not open a Facebook account or something.

NodakN8V 25

Thursday 2 January 2014 4:29

What was read...can not be unread... FML

Keywords

My ex Awkward Love AITA Jealousy Friends Poopoo peepee Health Embarrassing Sports Proposal Cold weather Annoying Snow Cheating Work Money Relatable Kids Parenting DIY Accident Parents Medication ADHD Weather Miscellaneous Relationship advice Am I overreacting? Weird

The Top

Good morning guys! Today's interview has been done in some extreme circumstances. It was about 36° Celsius, and half of the Completely Serious Comics crew was working while the other one was cooking. Well, it was a bit crazy as you can imagine. So m...

I agree, your life sucks 18

You deserved it 17

Today, I was chatting with a co-worker, and she mentioned she has trouble swallowing pills. I replied that I'm lucky, because I have next to no gag reflex. Half the guys at the other registers abruptly went silent, and I'm now being constantly hit on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 201

You deserved it 17 042

The Top

Today, I was doing an online live exam with the camera on when the power suddenly went out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 006

You deserved it 70

Today, I met a really hot chick while waiting for the bus. We spoke for 4 hours till we got to our destination. She hugged me and we parted ways. Later that day I realised she stole my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 222

You deserved it 4 254

Today, I got my period while spray tanning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 571

You deserved it 543

Today, I found out the reason why my car has smelled so bad for the past two weeks. It turns out when my sister was bringing in groceries from my car she forgot to grab the raw chicken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 723

You deserved it 3 443

Today, I woke up with a hangover and a pounding headache and tried to take an ibuprofen with a glass of water. I missed my mouth and threw the pill directly into my eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 127

You deserved it 461

Today, my wife bitched me out 3 times in a row, for things that were not even my fault: for turning my Xbox on, even though I only nudged the button accidentally with my toe; opening a beer when it was actually a Pepsi for our son, and walking loudly when I "know she has a headache," which I didn’t. FML

I agree, your life sucks 453

You deserved it 128

Same thing different taste

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