New year's day, Wanker and Intimacy: Wanking in the New Year - FML

Wanking in the New Year

By Lonesome - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Bossier City

Spicy

Today, I realized just how lonely I am when I tried to time my ejaculation to happen right as the new year started. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 799

You deserved it 13 299

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Same thing different taste

Lonely hearts

By Lena - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Germany

Today, my life became a lot more depressing. A while ago, some friends and I founded a "Forever Alone" club, because all of us were single at that time. I'm now the only member left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 725

You deserved it 3 212

By myusofwe - 06/02/2016 01:33 - Puerto Rico - Caguas

Spicy

Today, I finally got the chance to sleep with the guy I like. He couldn't get it up and awkwardly tried to stick his limp penis in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 945

You deserved it 3 028

Happy New Leg

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff

Today, instead of spending New Year's Eve having a romantic night out with my fiancé as we'd planned, I'm spending it sitting beside him in the hospital because his friends convinced him to go off-road ghost-riding in the dead of night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 561

You deserved it 4 513

By Anonymous - 17/06/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were finally having some intimate alone time together. When we really started getting into it, he suddenly prematurely jizzed in my eye. I now need surgery and have to explain to my family how I almost lost my eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 505

You deserved it 1 040

Stranger danger

By shit - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom taking a dump. It's difficult for me to do it in public, so to make it easier I kept telling myself, "Nobody's here, you're all alone." I then heard, "No, you're not." I didn't realize I was saying it out loud, or that I wasn't alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 721

You deserved it 31 746

Sounds promising

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I poured my heart out to my girlfriend of two years expressing my feelings for her. She responded with, "I'm going to bed." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 770

You deserved it 3 235

Courtesy visit

By hottytodday - 12/12/2019 05:00 - United States - Oxford

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend on our couch. Meanwhile, my parents came to visit us without telling me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 520

You deserved it 362

What's your resolutions?

By why? - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Hackensack

Today, my dad has decided to that as a New Year's resolution, he's going to strive to wear pants less often. It's only been an hour and I can already tell it's going to be a long year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 340

You deserved it 2 493

I hate myself

By trixanne - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Australia - Sydney

Today, anticipating another stressful day of work, I left my house with a cluster of thoughts in my mind. It was only when I heard my front door lock behind me, my hand still resting on the handle, that I realised I had forgotten my house keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 720

You deserved it 3 948

Piss poor prank

By peedonme - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - New Zealand

Today, I was in the toilet. Some idiots thought it was funny to throw a water balloon into the cubicle. The balloon didn't pop, but fell in the toilet, sending my own urine onto my shorts. I had 4 hours left of school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 270

You deserved it 2 951

Next

Top comments

junkman6 22

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:31

Life's all about having goals right?

Llamacod 11

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:31

The best way to start out any New Years is with an ******

Comments

junkman6 22

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:31

Life's all about having goals right?

JMichael 25

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:38

That's one hell of a goal to set. Try again next year OP.

thatADHDdude 21

Wednesday 1 January 2014 19:58

Well, did you get it? I demand a follow-up!

masterof1 7

Wednesday 1 January 2014 20:55

FAPPY NEW YEAR

ingridsoare 3

Monday 13 January 2014 4:27

This comment had exactly 365 likes haha

Llamacod 11

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:31

The best way to start out any New Years is with an ******

MelTheGreat 23

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:57

Exactly. Better than mine because I slept right through the countdown.

challan 19

Wednesday 1 January 2014 19:23

I agree. I'm 100% sure that OP wasn't the only one. Don't ask how I know.

ironmany_fml 23

Wednesday 1 January 2014 19:48

The only way that you can be 100% sure that OP wasn't the only one is, if you were witnessing someone else doing it, or doing it yourself too... so which one is it.. ? ;)

sandraw1 22

Wednesday 1 January 2014 20:04

#40, she said "don't ask", du'uh

JMichael 25

Wednesday 1 January 2014 20:19

But that just reeks with the smell of please ask me, I'm itching to reveal my secrets.

challan 19

Wednesday 1 January 2014 20:23

I work for the NSA.

dingleberrysteve 6

Wednesday 1 January 2014 20:35

only if youre a child prodigy

doctorhook86 24

Wednesday 1 January 2014 22:31

I'm genuinely not sure why #21 is being downvoted--she's right.

Beansforbill 14

Thursday 2 January 2014 6:00

Because it's a boring comment

DavidKnows 11

Friday 3 January 2014 7:04

#49. GREAT response!

Melix 31

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:32

What a way to start the new year

BillMurray_fml 12

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:32

It WOULD be quite a feat to time that right. Keep setting the bar high for the rest of us, OP.

nyellow 6

Thursday 2 January 2014 6:01

Holy crap, it's bill Murray!

xSkittle 16

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:32

Making your own firework heh

arandomusernameaa 20

Thursday 2 January 2014 1:50

natural, biodegradable and free fireworks! and white for Winter!

Senseless_487 29

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:33

Fappy new year!

ThomasBombadil 31

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:34

Didn't Sting used to be into things like this? Guess you're in good company!

anythingmustbe 18

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:34

So you fapped once in the year? Amazing self control.

sybyabraham 17

Wednesday 1 January 2014 23:17

He fapped continuously from 2013 to 2014.

bigdaddyeric 35

Monday 1 January 2018 6:39

No, twice as it changed from year to year while fapping....

ComoEsJuan 24

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:36

Bringing in the new year with a bang!

martin8337 35

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:39

Self bang.

FrankHotpants 31

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:36

Achievement unlocked

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Keywords

Love Cheating Money Relatable Work My ex Jealousy Health Accident ADHD Medication Weather Snow Miscellaneous Embarrassing Awkward Relationship advice Am I overreacting? Weird AITA Dating Sleep Annoying Parents Mental health Furniture Kids Friends Gross Public freakouts

The Top

Today, I called off my engagement because I fell in love with my best friend of 10 years since we recently reconnected. I confessed my feelings to her and asked her out. She rejected me and said she only sees me as a friend. Now I’m completely single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 275

You deserved it 4 080

Today, I told my roommate that I was an atheist and she laughed. I left and returned to find her and her prayer group praying for my soul. She told me to accept Jesus Christ as my lord and savior. I said no. Then she told me to find somewhere else to live. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 852

You deserved it 1 042

The Top

Today, I broke my mother's Tiffany lamp from the 1920's. Practically crying, I raced onto the computer to try to find one to order before she comes back in three weeks. The lamp is worth over twelve thousand dollars, and the only way I'm getting one is if I lived 90 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 073

You deserved it 25 887

Tonday, I spent the night in my car because I didn’t want to go home as I just gave my roommate a 30-day eviction notice. My girlfriend is spending the night at a friend's, and I’m too cheap to get a hotel room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 306

You deserved it 1 217

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me in front of an entire street of people. We've only been dating for a week. One of the women in the crowd then called me heartless and threw a hamburger at me when I turned him down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 368

You deserved it 9 657

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because he said he needed to be with someone smart so that he could impress his parents. I just got accepted into medical school. When I pointed that out to him, he added that he needed to be with someone attractive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 84 753

You deserved it 4 679

Today, my shoe fell apart a few minutes after I got to work. I called my boyfriend and asked him to bring me the "pretty black pair" in my closet. What did he bring? Black stilettos. I'm a waitress with an eight-hour shift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 553

You deserved it 32 199

Today, my father gave me his blessing to be married on one condition: that I keep my maiden name when I marry. My fiancé thought it would be "epic". My last name will be hyphenated to Cobb-Webb. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 374

You deserved it 6 166