New year's day, Wanker and Intimacy: Wanking in the New Year - FML

Wanking in the New Year

By Lonesome - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Bossier City

Spicy

Today, I realized just how lonely I am when I tried to time my ejaculation to happen right as the new year started. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 798

You deserved it 13 297

Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves! More…

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Same thing different taste

Lonely hearts

By Lena - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Germany

Today, my life became a lot more depressing. A while ago, some friends and I founded a "Forever Alone" club, because all of us were single at that time. I'm now the only member left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 724

You deserved it 3 212

By myusofwe - 06/02/2016 01:33 - Puerto Rico - Caguas

Spicy

Today, I finally got the chance to sleep with the guy I like. He couldn't get it up and awkwardly tried to stick his limp penis in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 945

You deserved it 3 028

Happy New Leg

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff

Today, instead of spending New Year's Eve having a romantic night out with my fiancé as we'd planned, I'm spending it sitting beside him in the hospital because his friends convinced him to go off-road ghost-riding in the dead of night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 561

You deserved it 4 511

By Anonymous - 17/06/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were finally having some intimate alone time together. When we really started getting into it, he suddenly prematurely jizzed in my eye. I now need surgery and have to explain to my family how I almost lost my eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 505

You deserved it 1 040

Stranger danger

By shit - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom taking a dump. It's difficult for me to do it in public, so to make it easier I kept telling myself, "Nobody's here, you're all alone." I then heard, "No, you're not." I didn't realize I was saying it out loud, or that I wasn't alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 721

You deserved it 31 746

Sounds promising

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I poured my heart out to my girlfriend of two years expressing my feelings for her. She responded with, "I'm going to bed." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 769

You deserved it 3 235

Courtesy visit

By hottytodday - 12/12/2019 05:00 - United States - Oxford

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend on our couch. Meanwhile, my parents came to visit us without telling me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 520

You deserved it 362

What's your resolutions?

By why? - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Hackensack

Today, my dad has decided to that as a New Year's resolution, he's going to strive to wear pants less often. It's only been an hour and I can already tell it's going to be a long year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 340

You deserved it 2 493

I hate myself

By trixanne - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Australia - Sydney

Today, anticipating another stressful day of work, I left my house with a cluster of thoughts in my mind. It was only when I heard my front door lock behind me, my hand still resting on the handle, that I realised I had forgotten my house keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 717

You deserved it 3 948

Piss poor prank

By peedonme - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - New Zealand

Today, I was in the toilet. Some idiots thought it was funny to throw a water balloon into the cubicle. The balloon didn't pop, but fell in the toilet, sending my own urine onto my shorts. I had 4 hours left of school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 269

You deserved it 2 951

Next

Top comments

junkman6 22

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:31

Life's all about having goals right?

Llamacod 11

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:31

The best way to start out any New Years is with an ******

Comments

junkman6 22

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:31

Life's all about having goals right?

JMichael 25

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:38

That's one hell of a goal to set. Try again next year OP.

thatADHDdude 21

Wednesday 1 January 2014 19:58

Well, did you get it? I demand a follow-up!

masterof1 7

Wednesday 1 January 2014 20:55

FAPPY NEW YEAR

ingridsoare 3

Monday 13 January 2014 4:27

This comment had exactly 365 likes haha

Llamacod 11

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:31

The best way to start out any New Years is with an ******

MelTheGreat 23

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:57

Exactly. Better than mine because I slept right through the countdown.

challan 19

Wednesday 1 January 2014 19:23

I agree. I'm 100% sure that OP wasn't the only one. Don't ask how I know.

ironmany_fml 23

Wednesday 1 January 2014 19:48

The only way that you can be 100% sure that OP wasn't the only one is, if you were witnessing someone else doing it, or doing it yourself too... so which one is it.. ? ;)

sandraw1 22

Wednesday 1 January 2014 20:04

#40, she said "don't ask", du'uh

JMichael 25

Wednesday 1 January 2014 20:19

But that just reeks with the smell of please ask me, I'm itching to reveal my secrets.

challan 19

Wednesday 1 January 2014 20:23

I work for the NSA.

dingleberrysteve 6

Wednesday 1 January 2014 20:35

only if youre a child prodigy

doctorhook86 24

Wednesday 1 January 2014 22:31

I'm genuinely not sure why #21 is being downvoted--she's right.

Beansforbill 14

Thursday 2 January 2014 6:00

Because it's a boring comment

DavidKnows 11

Friday 3 January 2014 7:04

#49. GREAT response!

Melix 31

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:32

What a way to start the new year

BillMurray_fml 12

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:32

It WOULD be quite a feat to time that right. Keep setting the bar high for the rest of us, OP.

nyellow 6

Thursday 2 January 2014 6:01

Holy crap, it's bill Murray!

xSkittle 16

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:32

Making your own firework heh

arandomusernameaa 20

Thursday 2 January 2014 1:50

natural, biodegradable and free fireworks! and white for Winter!

Senseless_487 29

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:33

Fappy new year!

ThomasBombadil 31

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:34

Didn't Sting used to be into things like this? Guess you're in good company!

anythingmustbe 18

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:34

So you fapped once in the year? Amazing self control.

sybyabraham 17

Wednesday 1 January 2014 23:17

He fapped continuously from 2013 to 2014.

bigdaddyeric 35

Monday 1 January 2018 6:39

No, twice as it changed from year to year while fapping....

ComoEsJuan 24

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:36

Bringing in the new year with a bang!

martin8337 35

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:39

Self bang.

FrankHotpants 31

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:36

Achievement unlocked

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Keywords

Neighbours Miscellaneous Awkward Wanker Halloween Lonely Love Party Jealousy Family Argument Fight Cats Animals Parents Health Embarrassing Sports Shopping Medication Birds Anger issues Weddings Pranks YouTube TikTok Cute Dogs AITA Work

The Top

Today, while leaving a job site, I put a bundle of pipe on my boss's van, picked up a few tools, and left for the day. He called screaming 30 minutes later to inform me that I didn't strap the pipe to the rack. It slid off the van and hit the car in front of him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 087

You deserved it 4 866

Today, my dad's last words before he fell into a coma, and later died, were about how he wanted to stick his face in the ass of his 20-something nurse and motorboat her cheeks. I had to lie to my mother and say that his last words were that he wanted to see her again before the end. Thanks dad, NOT. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 940

You deserved it 194

The Top

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I said I wouldn't find her attractive in 20 years. What I actually said was that I wouldn't sleep with her mother now, who happens to be 20 years older than her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 260

You deserved it 3 319

Today, I was talking about phobias and anxiety disorders in psychology class. I nearly had a panic attack because I was worried that someone might realize I suffer from them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 052

You deserved it 4 056

Today, I found out that my parents have been lying about my birthday. Now it makes sense how they "lost the birth certificate" or how many photos of me as a baby are dated before I was actually supposed to be born, because "the camera must've glitched, we must've confused the date we wrote in the back of that card." FML

I agree, your life sucks 446

You deserved it 71

Today I went to my sleep therapist; I sleep 8 hours a night, but I'm still very tired during the day. I'm divorced, so we decided that I would record myself sleeping to see if I might be snoring. We listened to the tape. Not only was I snoring very loudly, I cry all night in my sleep. FM

I agree, your life sucks 18 451

You deserved it 1 061

Today, my girlfriend of several years broke up with me because of my lack of ability to contribute financially to the life that she envisioned for herself, due to my significant contributions in child support to my ex. She wants a more equal partner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 843

You deserved it 529

Today, I woke up late and in a rush, I grabbed what I thought was a container of leftover spaghetti from the refrigerator to take to work. At lunch, I opened it to find it wasn't spaghetti, but raw marinated chicken my roommate had prepped for dinner. I ended up eating a vending machine sandwich that tasted like cardboard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 133

You deserved it 483