health

Dr Pimple Popper

By Anonymous - 04/04/2022 22:00

Today, a doctor squeezed so much cheese out of a huge lump on my nutsack, for a second I was convinced he’d poked a hole in my bollock and was squeezing out my baby-making juice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 097

You deserved it 425

That's all I am to you?

By Butterfly - This FML is from back in 2008 but it's good stuff - France

Today, I warned my boss that I wouldn't be able take part in a very important meeting I've been working on for 6 months due to my son being ill. He told me, "Don't worry about it, we'll just put a flowerpot on your chair instead." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 456

You deserved it 3 131

How the other half lives

By Anonymous - 04/04/2022 16:00

Today, I waxed my asshole and it wouldn’t stop bleeding, so I had to shove toilet paper down my crack, because I have things to do that require me to get dressed and go out in public. It still bled through my trousers. It looks like I got my period, and I’m a 6”4 man with a beard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 470

You deserved it 1 153

Patient confidentiality

By Anonymous - 04/04/2022 00:01

Today, I got a mammogram, after feeling some discomfort. After the exam, I mentioned to my mother my doctor referred the test, because even though I'm still in my twenties, I have a family history of breast cancer. She told coworkers, friends, and family about my health condition. Now they all know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 955

You deserved it 124

RUDE!

By blawbo - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went to McDonald's for lunch and ordered a salad. The man behind the counter looked at me and said, "Well, at least you're trying." FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 365

You deserved it 9 389

Mud bogging

By Anonymous - 03/04/2022 14:00

Today, my new boyfriend told me he was having a “swamp day”. Apparently, it’s a day where for some reason, no matter how thoroughly he wipes his ass, he will need to wipe it again every 30 minutes, as shit continually leaks out of him and turns his ass crack “swampy.” I think I threw up a little. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 561

You deserved it 159

Under the hood

By Anonymous - 03/04/2022 12:00

Today, I blanked and forgot to take out my piercing before going for my MRI, even though the nurses asked me multiple times to make sure I had no metal on me before entering, you know, the big machine made of massive electromagnets. The piercing was on my clitoris. FML

I agree, your life sucks 397

You deserved it 1 678

Pushing the envelope

By Anonymous - 02/04/2022 04:00

Today, I was constipated and strained so hard that I threw up into my pants and all over my shoes. I was at work, and no, I didn’t have a change of clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 960

You deserved it 180

In pain

By Khail Lozano - 02/04/2022 00:00

Today, I was making my bed and had an armload of pillows. One slipped and I tried to catch it between my arm and leg. I missed, sending my fist into my nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 744

You deserved it 260

Staying Alive

By Girls_just_wanna_have_Tylenol - 01/04/2022 22:00

Today, it's been two days since I went out to a club with my sister. I love dancing and was really getting really into it. However, my neck muscles are still sore. From dancing for two hours. I'm 28. FML

I agree, your life sucks 730

You deserved it 251

Alexa, play "I Can't Stand Up For Falling Down" by Elvis Costello

By Anonymous - 31/03/2022 00:01

Today, I’m finally getting over a bad accident I had, and I'm allowed to start walking again. Alas, I’ve been flat on my back in a hospital bed for so many months, I’m having to get used to standing upright again. I get so dizzy from standing, I keep falling and hurting myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 167

You deserved it 80

Jesus said go to sleep

By david99021 - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Turkey - Ankara

Today, I told my mom I've been having sleep issues and asked if she could take me to the doctor. She told me I just needed to read the Bible more. Needless to say, I still can't sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 311

You deserved it 2 622

It sure does

By dreams2383 - 29/03/2022 23:00 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, after I fell on ice twice hitting my tailbone last week. I'm in excruciating pain but can't get out of work, no internet for over a week so I can't do college work, a guy ran into my car, totaling it. it's 20 years-old so insurance probably won't give me enough to replace. Bad luck comes in threes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 025

You deserved it 104

Shitty situation #766

By Anonymous - 29/03/2022 14:00

Today, I was surprised to see a lot of blood when I looked down the toilet while I was pooping, as I don't have my period right now. I've been heavily constipated since I've consumed my allergy medicines. The thing is, I need them to function normally, as I'd be sneezing every minute if it wasn't for them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 889

You deserved it 103

Out of the frying pan…

By Anonymous - 29/03/2022 04:00 - United States

Today, I came home after spending two days in the hospital for suicidal ideation and found a summons for jury duty in the mail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 944

You deserved it 151

Bullet control

By Anonymous - 28/03/2022 22:00

Today, after I was shot in the hip years ago and the doctors left the bullet inside, they damn well better remove the bullet now because over the last 10 years, it's moved enough to start compressing a nerve, so now my penis is numb to all sensation, and I can’t get a boner anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 922

You deserved it 158

Gotta get that sweet sweet nicotine

By MCMB33 - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I caught my pregnant wife smoking. This is after I quit over a month ago to show her my support and be a good influence on our child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 678

You deserved it 3 168

Dizzy

By Anonymous - 27/03/2022 23:01 - United Kingdom - Preston

Today, according to my doctors, the car crash I was in has damaged the part of my brain responsible for balance and coordination, which is why no matter if I'm standing, sitting, or lying down, I feel dizzy as fuck. Unless by some miracle my brain can fix itself, this might be a lifelong condition. I want to cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 465

You deserved it 68

Thanks for the support

By depressed - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Hull

Today, I finally told my dad about how I've been diagnosed with clinical depression. He began to recite a commercial for depression meds, but he couldn't finish because he was overwhelmed with laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 898

You deserved it 4 152

No shit

By Anonymous - 26/03/2022 11:00 - Australia - Aspley

Today, I had a dream that I was having one of the best poops of my life. I woke up feeling very content and relaxed, until I rolled over and realised it wasn't a dream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 924

You deserved it 229

WAKEY WAKEY

By izaya - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Muskogee

Today, I woke up with a electric dog collar on my neck. I wouldn't have noticed it until my stepfather turned the collar to the highest intensity just to wake me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 915

You deserved it 2 211

Blinded

By Anonymous - 25/03/2022 18:00

Today, I had a lightbulb over my head moment, by which I mean I was changing a blown bulb, which smashed, and I’m now half blind waiting for the surgery to remove the minuscule and yet still excruciating shards of glass from my right eyeball. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 066

You deserved it 109

Petty bitches

By Sad - 24/03/2022 16:00

Today, my mother passed away in the hospital. My sister and brother refused to tell me which hospital she was staying at so I couldn’t say goodbye. They blocked my number. This was all because apparently I was the favorite and they did this as a vendetta against me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 733

You deserved it 102

Short, sharp, shock

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out that it is never, ever a good idea to put a Band-Aid of any kind on your penis, because eventually you will have to take it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 243

You deserved it 54 113

Forget me not

By Anonymous - 23/03/2022 04:00

Today, it's been a week since my husband woke up with what the hospital says is transient amnesia. He’s lost about 15 years of memories and thinks he’s in his 20’s. We’ve only been married 5 years, and dated 3 years before that, so he has no idea who I am, has no idea his parents are dead, or who our son is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 711

You deserved it 91

Boundaries

By Anonymous - 22/03/2022 10:00

Today, I noticed some of my thongs were stretched out and now hung loose on my hips. I thought it might be the dryer set too hot but no, apparently my mom has been wearing them over her fat ass, and thought I wouldn’t mind since we occasionally share our hoodies. Not the same thing mom. GROSS. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 267

You deserved it 125

They call me the geyser

By Anonymous - 21/03/2022 22:00

Today, it's been 3 weeks since we had dinner with my sister's new girlfriend, who made us a Chinese soup that was "good for digestion". I’ve had cast iron bowels for 32 years with no problems, but for the 3 weeks since that soup, I have to shit brown water 10 times a day and I’m in agony. I think she poisoned me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 404

You deserved it 152

Little brat

By Anonymous - 21/03/2022 18:00

Today, I learned that being kicked in the vagina by your brat brother not only makes you vomit from the pain, it also makes you get a period an hour later so unbelievably more painful than usual, you're forced to use the real good painkillers left over from your dad's spine surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 120

You deserved it 144

Stinki Boi

By Mrs sensitive nose - 21/03/2022 04:00

Today, my nose finally unblocked after a week of having a cold. Now all I can smell is the disgusting stench of my husband's pits. We've argued three times already about his refusal to shower more than once a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 027

You deserved it 133

Ironic

By Anonymous - 20/03/2022 16:00

Today, my dad yelled at me for using legal marijuana to help treat my potentially terminal cancer, which is kind of hypocritical for the man who spent significant portions of my childhood in jail for selling cocaine to rich high school kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 242

You deserved it 107

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The Top

Today, I was with a group of friends at a bar, and we were all talking about whether we were moaners, screamers, or quiet during sex. My boyfriend said that he was a moaner, which I contradicted. Completely straightfaced, he said, "Well, I am when it's good." FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 526

You deserved it 24 772

Today, my boyfriend tried to claim it was my fault that he cheated on me, all because I "deprived" him of sex for two weeks last month when I went on a family vacation. If his mental gymnastics were physical, I swear he'd be able to suck his own cock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 830

You deserved it 2 598

The Top

Today, I got in trouble for shooting my paintball gun at a piece of wood, so my dad told me to go wash it. While I was washing it, he shot me several times in the back, yelling, "That's payback for being born." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 638

You deserved it 4 002

Today, I was taking a dump, when my dad shouted for me to go wash the dishes. Fed up with his constant shit, I told him to bite me. He took this as an invitation to wedge the bathroom door shut for nearly two hours, despite all my pleas and apologies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 632

You deserved it 41 586

Today, I get a scornful look when I try to talk to my husband, let alone try to cheer him up, because he is "severely depressed." Well, unless a friend or neighbor knocks on the door, then he’s the life of the party. Right until they leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 645

You deserved it 291

Today, I confronted my neighbor because he'd been telling my kids that global warming was a myth. He responded with, "Whine all you want, but the swamp is draining and your bullshit liberal narrative is finally going down." He then dumped his trash on my lawn and retreated to his house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 948

You deserved it 1 229

Today, I realised I'm so much more sexually attracted to Transformers than anyone I've ever met. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 098

You deserved it 616

Today, I went out to a restaurant with a girl I have been dating. The only conversation was about how proud she was of her fart during work earlier, and how she managed to clear out a section of the office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 913

You deserved it 3 236