health

Raise the pressure

By Anonymous - 14/05/2022 18:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting hot and heavy. He got on top and started kissing my ear when a warm liquid went down my neck. My boyfriend had a gushing nosebleed, which went threw the pillowcase and the pillow. I got cockblocked by a nosebleed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 102

You deserved it 173

Le digestif

By kayla - 14/05/2022 00:00

Today, at the age of 21, I need digestive enzymes. Apparently most people start needing them in their sixties, but my parents and even my grandparents don’t need them. Without them, the food just sits in my stomach for days before eventually coming back up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 964

You deserved it 93

Enough is enough

By Anonymous - 13/05/2022 18:00

Today, if my blood pressure rises too high I get migraines that cripple me for days, even with medication. I can’t let myself get stressed, I can’t exercise, I can’t stand up too fast if I’ve been sitting or lying down, I definitely can’t have sex, and I also can’t drink coffee. Someone shoot me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 009

You deserved it 127

Get out of my house

By EstefanP - 13/05/2022 14:00

Today, I walked in on my mother-in-law teaching my 11 year-old daughter how to purge herself using a toothbrush. Her logic is that, “If she gets fat, she’ll never get a boyfriend.” She sees nothing wrong, and bitched at me for messing with her future. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 295

You deserved it 136

Surpriiiiiiise…

By Anonymous - 13/05/2022 12:00

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he might want kids one day, and he most definitely does not. In fact, he even thanked me for reminding him we need to stock up on condoms when we go shopping, plus he’s even considering a vasectomy just to make sure. I’m already pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 005

You deserved it 771

Crime scene

By Anonymous - 13/05/2022 10:00

Today, I rented a holiday cottage, assuring the owner I was a very tidy person. Then I sliced my finger while cooking and got blood on the kitchen towels and the cream rug, then the wound opened up again during my shower, I didn’t notice and now there’s blood on the white bathroom towels. FML

I agree, your life sucks 837

You deserved it 237

ED FML

By please don’t… - 13/05/2022 06:00

Today, as always, my parents wait until I go into the kitchen to drop what they’re doing, rush into the kitchen, and stare at me while I’m making food. They also comment on what I’m eating. I’ve had seven therapists and none of them were able to help me with my embarrassment surrounding food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 124

You deserved it 138

**** those guys

By Conversion - 12/05/2022 20:00 - United States

Today, I work in healthcare databases, mostly child abuse, so I'd been looking forward to a weekend obstacle course, organized by a friend of a friend. After getting the details, I realized the event will raise funds for pro-life and LGBT conversion therapy. My new plans involve drinking and moving out of state. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 155

You deserved it 316

He's got the look

By Anonymous - 12/05/2022 15:00 - United States - Steele

Today, my uncle visited for the first time in three years. It would have been very wholesome, if not for the fact that I got to see for myself just how badly his health has deteriorated. He's morbidly obese, a heavy smoker, and his voice is terrifying. I almost thought he was a pedophile when I first saw him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 758

You deserved it 185

No pain, no gain

By Anonymous - 12/05/2022 06:00 - Australia

Today, it's been a week since I got a gastric balloon to help me lose weight. On the plus side, I've lost 5kg. On the downside, it's been one week of vomiting, diarrhea, not being able to eat solid food, and stomach cramps so painful that it feels like I'm constantly being stabbed. 15 weeks to go… FML

I agree, your life sucks 815

You deserved it 274

Letting yourself go

By sad smelly thing - 11/05/2022 13:00 - United States

Today, I told my mom I wanted to see a doctor, because I feel like I’m slipping into depression. I told her I was so sad, I didn’t shower for 4 days. Her response? “I don’t believe that. You’ve always had great hygiene!” Duh, I’m not myself lately! Thanks for noticing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 029

You deserved it 153

Great first impression

By FirstImpressionist - 11/05/2022 14:00

Today, at work, where I am the boss’s son, I introduced myself to the new guy and starting working on a project. Not five minutes into it, I apparently had a seizure, passed out, smashed my face on the work table, and regained consciousness in a state of confusion with EMTs surrounding me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 977

You deserved it 135

Anticlimax

By Anonymous - 11/05/2022 12:00

Today, my boyfriend and I went to a sex store for the first time, and bought $100 worth of stuff. Not only did we not have sex, but I was up all night throwing up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 982

You deserved it 200

Awkward stares all round

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Southfield

Today, I found out it's possible to dislocate your jaw just by yawning. Now I'm in the ER, looking like a total psycho. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 926

You deserved it 1 471

STI FML

By Anonymous - 11/05/2022 00:01

Today, according to my doctor, I have the most stubborn case of chlamydia he’s ever encountered. It’s somehow survived three full courses of treatment, and I only caught it because my ex-fiancé is a cheating whoremonger. I may never have sex again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 363

You deserved it 171

Clay

By Anonymous - 10/05/2022 12:00

Today, even though I have the flu and can barely stand, I wanted to treat myself to something nice, so I baked cookies. Now guess when was the exact moment my taste buds suddenly stopped working? Yep, right when the cookies were done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 814

You deserved it 191

Back to square one

By Anonymous - 10/05/2022 10:00

Today, I finally got the cast off my leg after being unable to walk for 6 weeks, watching daytime TV or playing my husband's Xbox all day. The second the plaster came off, I tried to stand up, tripped over the doctor's foot and broke the apparently still not fully healed leg again in the same spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 119

You deserved it 239

Rip Torn

By Beackers675 - 10/05/2022 02:00

Today, I tore my ass crack. No, not my asshole, my ass crack. I don't know why, I don't know how, I just know it hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 879

You deserved it 124

Twink

By Noé - 10/05/2022 00:01

Today, I decided to start working out. I made a bit of Internet research, and I found out about my body type. The first and only example that popped up is Natalie Portman. Oh, by the way, I’m a 16 year-old dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 720

You deserved it 166

What?

By Anonymous - 09/05/2022 17:59

Today, I asked my son to repeat something he had said. He got right up in my face and screamed that it was time I got a "fucking hearing aid." His siblings agreed with him. My husband agreed so much, he won’t even punish him for yelling and swearing, because, “Honestly, we all wanted to scream it.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 562

You deserved it 1 184

Unforeseen consequences

By DontSteal - 09/05/2022 10:00 - United States

Today, my credit card information was stolen and the account locked. I'll get a new card in 10-14 days, after a planned medical trip for an increase in seizures. Without a credit card, I can no longer check into the hotel, nor access cash before my flight. The next opening is in 3 months. If I die I'm haunting you. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 042

You deserved it 118

Ace in the hole

By Anonymous - 09/05/2022 06:00

Today, I have a hemorrhoid and a cold. Every time I cough or sneeze, it feels like someone is stabbing me in the anus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 945

You deserved it 97

Better off

By Anonymous - 08/05/2022 12:00

Today, it's been a whole year since I have made any social interaction with anyone, and I don’t miss it, like… at all. The only person I have talked to is a psychiatrist, who diagnosed me with schizoid personality disorder. I always knew there was something wrong with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 805

You deserved it 126

Home invasion

By Anonymous - 07/05/2022 18:01 - Canada

Today, I’m living out of a suitcase this week, so that my ex-boyfriend, who moved across the country and was going to stay with me for a little while, can quarantine in my house with his girlfriend, who I requested wasn’t in my house in the first place. They didn’t ask, just decided while I wasn’t home that it was okay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 849

You deserved it 429

Blast from the past

By how old am I? - 07/05/2022 06:00

Today, I was hosting a small party for my nephews and a couple neighborhood kids. I unexpectedly started my period while I was serving the snacks. Have you ever been pointed and laughed at by a bunch of 12 year-olds? Ah, just like the good old days… FML

I agree, your life sucks 893

You deserved it 123

Inconvenienced

By Anonymous - 06/05/2022 20:00 - United States - Dover

Today, I got a nosebleed. For 7 hours. I ended up in the ER. FML

I agree, your life sucks 815

You deserved it 85

Sexed to death

By Anonymous - 06/05/2022 12:00

Today, I just got home from the police station where I had to explain that the guy I drunkenly hooked up with last night died in the middle of sex from a brain aneurysm. He had no wallet or anything, just car keys, so all I could tell the cops was his first name, that’s it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 647

You deserved it 348

It's called getting old

By Anonymous - 06/05/2022 00:01

Today, and since the pandemic started, I have gained back 80 of the 150lbs I painstakingly lost via diet and exercise in the 5 years leading up to the pandemic. Despite trying multiple methods that worked before and some new ones, I cannot seem to stop the weight from piling on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 014

You deserved it 204

Overdoing it

By Anonymous - 05/05/2022 16:00 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend has epilepsy. How did I find this out? He started having a seizure after I did a striptease for him. I can’t get my boyfriend aroused now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 083

You deserved it 191

Mix up

By Bd Grndp - 05/05/2022 14:00

Today, as part of my grandad's great struggle to return to the 1960's, he tried to refuse a lifesaving blood transfusion until the nurse could confirm the blood hadn't been donated by anyone who was black, brown, chinese or asian, and so on. My dad is black and I'm half black, so I suspect he doesn't like me either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 025

You deserved it 112

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The Top

Today, I found out I have syphilis. I only slept with one person in my entire life, my boyfriend of 2 years. When I told him about it, he burst into tears and said, "It was one time at a company party" and "Maybe if you put some Vagisil or something, it will go away." Seriously? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 983

You deserved it 157

Today, my boyfriend tried to claim it was my fault that he cheated on me, all because I "deprived" him of sex for two weeks last month when I went on a family vacation. If his mental gymnastics were physical, I swear he'd be able to suck his own cock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 830

You deserved it 2 598

The Top

Today, I'm in hospital after a bad accident. An old friend of mine came to my ward, looked around, and asked if I needed any help. I asked him to stay and talk a bit, because we haven't seen each other since his wedding. He said, "Nah bro, I gotta go, or my wife will kill me. We're planning a sex night, by the way", and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 384

You deserved it 180

Today, I slept with a friend who always bitches about how he can't keep a girlfriend. When he finished within 3 minutes I understood why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 095

You deserved it 967

Today, I overheard my daughter compliment my mother by saying "My mom is way flabbier than you, Grandma." When I told her later that she hurt my feelings, she told me to "man up." She's seven. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 140

You deserved it 9 848

Today, I sat on my balls while at a restaurant. As I was wincing in pain and readjusting myself, my girlfriend came and sat on my lap. She landed directly on my nuts. After a minute or two, I stood up, only to rack myself once again on the corner of the table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 793

You deserved it 5 487

Today, the massive snowstorm that has been mercilessly attacking my city for the past week started causing random, brief blackouts every 2-5 minutes. I'm very sick, so the last thing I need is for this house to be cold. FML

I agree, your life sucks 864

You deserved it 145

Today, my ex dropped by to pick up a piece of art he'd left when I threw him out a month ago. While here, he visited the restroom. Tonight, my shampoo smelled like urine. And he called at 11pm to say he'd ''rubbed one out'' on my new boyfriend's toothbrush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 085

You deserved it 8 264