intimacy

By bob - 11/08/2011 12:56 - United States

Today, no matter how much I begged, my friend who'd locked himself away with my iPhone wouldn't stop taking pics of his penis and forwarding them to my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 014

You deserved it 5 484

Use the force

By Anonymous - 11/08/2011 05:53 - Mexico

Today, since I'm too ashamed to go buy a proper sex toy, I used an old Star Wars toy sword instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 133

You deserved it 56 906

By Anonymous - 11/08/2011 05:44 - United States

Today, I zoned out in a coffee shop for about two minutes and was brought back to reality when a woman smacked me out of my seat. Apparently I was staring at her chest while zoned out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 239

You deserved it 7 202

So generous

By noway - 10/08/2011 17:47 - Singapore

Today, I got into a fight with my boyfriend. The only thing he could think of to cheer me up was to give me "permission" to give him a blowjob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 164

You deserved it 7 104

By Username - 09/08/2011 21:21 - United States

Today, I was asked how far I've gone with a guy. My answer? Eye contact. I'm 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 680

You deserved it 8 079

Liquored up

By OyGeeze28 - 09/08/2011 06:24 - United States

Today, at work in a liquor store, a man came in to demand a refund because after he "drank the whole bottle of Jack" he "couldn't get it up" for his wife. He thought that alcohol was supposed to be an aphrodisiac, and blamed me personally for his "whiskey dick". FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 014

You deserved it 3 150

By ksmith - 09/08/2011 04:59 - United States

Today, I finally noticed that my wife only shaves her bush when she goes on "business trips." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 885

You deserved it 5 225

By Username - 09/08/2011 00:03 - United States

Today, I discovered that if I work out, I can't get an erection, but if I don't work out, my penis functions fine. This wouldn't be such a problem if I wasn't a professional bodybuilder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 754

You deserved it 13 530

By Anonymous - 08/08/2011 14:29 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend told me about this guy who makes balloon animals with his penis. My boyfriend has spent the last 4 hours trying to make his penis look like a pretzel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 717

You deserved it 4 479

By Anonymous - 08/08/2011 07:16 - United States

Today, I discovered the reason my favorite stick of deodorant hasn't smelled right for the past two weeks. My dad uses it on his butt crack and balls "to clean up the stank". FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 927

You deserved it 4 011

Not now

By Wife - 08/08/2011 00:02 - United States

Today, while zooming down the interstate, I had to tell my husband to put his penis away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 475

You deserved it 6 655

By Eddie - 07/08/2011 19:43 - Israel

Today, I took my clothes off in front of my girlfriend for the first time. She made a weird face for a moment, then burst into laughter. She couldn't stop laughing, no matter how hard she tried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 912

You deserved it 4 923

Nice

By Username - 07/08/2011 08:08 - Reserved

Today, after being kept awake all night by my house-mate and his girlfriend, they woke me at the crack of dawn to apologize for being so loud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 380

You deserved it 2 615

By Anonymous - 06/08/2011 21:34 - United States

Today, in one fell swoop, my testicles and spirits were simultaneously crushed into submission by the girl I like. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 113

You deserved it 4 886

By plantfood - 06/08/2011 06:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend showed me his penis for the first time. All I could think to say was, "That's a clean circumcision." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 245

You deserved it 9 095

plantfood tells us more.

plantfood 4

Sunday 7 August 2011 7:12

Deep conversation for FML.

By Anonymous - 06/08/2011 01:47 - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my boyfriend for the first time. He was so nervous, he broke down in tears after failing to unclasp my bra after multiple fumbling attempts. Mood? Ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 758

You deserved it 5 995

By moonstone15 - 06/08/2011 00:24 - United States

Today, I took my new boyfriend to a family dinner. Despite having made everyone agree to be on their best behavior, my grandma spewed obscenities such as "fuck me sideways, aren't you a catch?" and "you just can't pull ass like that at my age" throughout. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 222

You deserved it 4 248

By Anonymous - 05/08/2011 22:57 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend admitted that on his last visit, he snuck into the laundry and stole a lacy black thong he assumed was mine. It wasn't. It was my dad's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 757

You deserved it 3 885

By Username - 05/08/2011 14:05 - United States

Today, a fight broke out in a bar between several people, over some talk about one of their moms being somewhat inclined towards intercourse with her pets. I managed to slip out quietly with just a scratch from flying chair debris, despite having started the rumor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 237

You deserved it 69 707

By Anonymous - 05/08/2011 07:04 - United States

Today, my mother and aunt got into an argument about who had gotten groped more times in public. I don't know what's more disturbing, that my own mother would brag about getting groped, or that she won the argument, at 34 times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 870

You deserved it 2 746

By Creeped_out_n_stuck - 05/08/2011 04:46 - United States

Today, my roommate demanded that I dance naked for him as a birthday present. When I declined, he offered to pay me. When I declined again, he stormed off to pout in his room and played really loud depressing music. We're both guys and I have 11 months left on my lease with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 560

You deserved it 3 729

By laughingflame - 04/08/2011 06:00 - United States

Today, I was caught whacking off by my mother. She now takes every free moment of her time to read extracts from the Bible to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 165

You deserved it 12 923

By whatnot - 04/08/2011 04:04 - Canada

Today, while stuck in traffic on the highway, my 5 year-old in the back seat asked me why the man in the car next to us was pulling on the other man's "peepee". FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 634

You deserved it 3 269

By Alohaporno - 03/08/2011 18:31 - Canada

Today, my father described my method of hiding porn on the computer as "extremely naive." I don't know what's worse, that he found my porn or that he's better at hiding his. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 332

You deserved it 32 160

By Username - 03/08/2011 14:33 - United States

Today, I got an anonymous letter, stating my condo's community and all my neighbors can hear me having sex. Not only that, but kids gather around my window to listen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 690

You deserved it 37 595

By INside - 02/08/2011 04:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided it'd be funny to create a "place" on Facebook for my vagina. Now he "checks-in" every time we have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 059

You deserved it 10 735

Drunken rampage

By Anonymous - 01/08/2011 21:47 - United States

Today, at some point, and for some reason I'll probably never fully understand, it seemed like a good idea to get completely shitfaced on tequila and try to shave my ballsack with a straight razor. I'm not sure if these wounds will ever heal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 997

You deserved it 71 784

By notsurprised - 01/08/2011 12:55 - United States

Today, I woke up to my mom washing the dishes completely naked. Sadly, I was more surprised by the fact she was doing the dishes than the fact that that she was strutting about in her birthday suit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 542

You deserved it 3 171

By username - 31/07/2011 22:19 - United States

Today, I was feeling a little naughty, so I put on a sexy outfit, laid down on the hood of my boyfriend's car, and waited for him to find me. When he came into the garage and saw me, he freaked out and bitched at me, because I "could have dented the chassis". FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 586

You deserved it 16 559

By creepedout - 31/07/2011 05:11 - United States

Today, I was at the airport. A creepy man smiled at me, so I politely smiled back. I then realized his shirt said "Smile if you take it in the ass." He then winked at me and walked off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 433

You deserved it 14 675

Keywords

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The Top

Today, after a promotion at work, my new manager made me reset my password for a website we use. To do so, I had to answer the secret question I’d set two years prior. The question was "What is your favorite activity?" The answer I had to type out in front of my manager was "Drinking." FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 340

You deserved it 35 605

Today, my fiancé and I toured our dream home. I was so excited about it that I posted all kinds of pictures of it on Facebook. My boss's daughter just called and said she loved my pictures so much that she made an offer on the house. We were one week away from making an offer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 417

You deserved it 34 661

The Top

Today, my girlfriend "got even" with me after an argument by telling people that I've been beating her. Three guys later came over to my place and beat the crap out of me. Her reaction: "I didn't think they'd take it so serious!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 058

You deserved it 4 275

Today, due to recent changes in my local transit system, the bus that I take to work and back is a unidirectional loop instead of bi-directional. So my morning commute is the same, but the commute back is now an hour-and-half instead of 20 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 804

You deserved it 128

Today, I was driving without my seatbelt on, when I noticed a police car approaching. I panicked and desperately fumbled around for my seatbelt, only for them to pass by with just a funny look. Then it hit me that I was riding my motorcycle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 551

You deserved it 49 637

Today, I thought it would be nice to take my girlfriend out to a nice restaurant for my birthday. She got a little headache after we ordered, so she went outside to get some air. I ate a $100 meal and had Happy Birthday sang to me by the restaurant staff. Alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 674

You deserved it 3 566

Today, we found out why we were getting notes on our door telling us to "move out or else." As my mom works for the government and we have a direct-TV dish on our roof, our neighbor thinks we were sent to listen to his phone calls and read his mind. We were here before he was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 076

You deserved it 2 673

Today, my sister blamed me for everything again. We're twins and have the same friends, but they all like her better because she's an extrovert and I'm an introvert, and I'm sick of her getting mad at me, copying me, blaming me and making my life miserable for no reason. Why does everyone think I'm so pathetic? FML

I agree, your life sucks 700

You deserved it 166