intimacy

Relax, don't do it…

By Anonymous - 05/06/2022 08:00 - Canada - Etobicoke

Today, I met up with a guy who I've hooked up with 2-3 times before. He gives amazing head. I was sitting on my couch and he was on his knees on the floor in front of me. He was doing his thing, it was incredible and all of a sudden, I didn't even feel it coming, I farted on his chest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 998

You deserved it 445

Silver linings

By KANCHI - 02/06/2022 17:30 - India - Gurgaon

Today, my boyfriend and I were in the middle of great sex when he suddenly called out his ex's name. Just before I decided to yell at him and throw him out of my room, I realised he performed better when he yelled her name. So, I let him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 077

You deserved it 685

Hot revenge

By Anonymous - 30/05/2022 00:01

Today, halfway through a blowjob, my girlfriend bit my penis because she suddenly decided that she was still annoyed at me for an argument we had last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 350

You deserved it 334

Judgement day

By Anonymous - 28/05/2022 04:00

Today, I found texts between my wife and her boyfriend making fun of me. They would sext right before my wife would be with me so she could think of him. She brags about how she picks random fights with me, stalks me, withholds sex, and calls our son names as well. I cannot wait to present these screenshots during our divorce hearing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 569

You deserved it 119

Craving it

By Anonymous - 26/05/2022 00:01

Today, I realized how low my husband's libido has gotten over the years. He has zero intention of trying anything to fix it, no matter how hard I try. I don't even think I'm horny anymore as much as intimately touched starved. He ran his hand down my back in passing and I almost burst into tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 343

You deserved it 224

Girlfriends or girl friends?

By Charlotte - 25/05/2022 22:00

Today, I was going through my sibling’s old phones from high school, trying to find pictures of our deceased father. It turns out that all my girlfriends had sent my brother nudes at one point or another. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 266

You deserved it 208

Classic

By Armando - 24/05/2022 02:00

Today, my now-ex fiancée actually took another man’s penis out of her mouth and had the audacity to shout, “Babe, it’s not what it looks like!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 947

You deserved it 155

No thanks!

By Anonymous - 23/05/2022 09:00 - United States - Spokane

Today, my husband thought I might want to get intimate. I've never seen someone vacate a room so quickly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 025

You deserved it 227

This is a low

By Anonymous - 23/05/2022 06:00

Today, I’m at a low point. I sank low enough to ask a coworker I don’t even like for a pity shag to boost my self esteem. The sex was great, excellent even, but when he left this morning I now feel even lower because I feel cheap and nasty, and I almost had to beg for someone to have sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 672

You deserved it 1 931

Classic

By Anonymous - 22/05/2022 06:00

Today, I realised I fit the stereotype of a lonely, bored housewife when I was more turned on by the plumber fixing the boiler than I have been by my husband in at least a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 953

You deserved it 356

Time for some DIY

By Anonymous - 20/05/2022 22:00

Today, my husband and I were home alone and we wanted to do the nasty multiple times before our kids got back from school. He lasted less than two minutes, then fell asleep. It's been 6 weeks since my last orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 614

You deserved it 375

Raise the mood

By leelee50 - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my on-and-off boyfriend of 8 years asked me to cheer him up. I told him that I'm in love with him. He said, "Oh, I just wanted a blowjob." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 102

You deserved it 9 933

Quandary

By Anonymous - 18/05/2022 12:00

Today, my nana died today of a heart attack in her sleep. I’ll never know if there was something I could have done, because while it was happening I was upstairs with a dildo, as it’s been a month since I had sex and I had the urge. I feel so selfish and ashamed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 556

You deserved it 291

STI TMI

By Anonymous - 17/05/2022 16:00 - United States - Cumberland

Today, at my physical, I found out that my ex-boyfriend who broke up with me 4 months ago was not only cheating on me, but had also manage to catch chlamydia and give it to me. I'm now dating someone else, so I had to explain that I've had chlamydia for 4 months without knowing, and he should probably get tested. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 740

You deserved it 249

Alexa, play "****** Addict" by Buzzcocks

By Nuttjacob - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out the hard way that you can get carpal tunnel from masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 702

You deserved it 42 279

TMI

By Anonymous - 16/05/2022 14:00

Today, I don’t know what my twin sister sees in her new boyfriend, he’s such a creep. I assume that last night they had sex for the first time, because he came up to me, grinning that stupid creepy grin of his, and said to my face that, since were twins, he now knows what my anus looks like too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 210

You deserved it 198

Curious

By Ghostrui - 15/05/2022 04:00

Today, my dad thought it appropriate to ask if my boyfriend, who was in the other room, was circumcised. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 053

You deserved it 174

Raise the pressure

By Anonymous - 14/05/2022 18:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting hot and heavy. He got on top and started kissing my ear when a warm liquid went down my neck. My boyfriend had a gushing nosebleed, which went threw the pillowcase and the pillow. I got cockblocked by a nosebleed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 105

You deserved it 173

Welcome to the rest of your life

By no ohhhh - 14/05/2022 02:01

Today, I finally had sex after 3 long years. It lasted less than a minute, followed by 2 hours of talking about anime.. I'm in my 30s. FML

I agree, your life sucks 915

You deserved it 466

There must be other reasons

By Anonymous - 12/05/2022 00:01

Today, my wife is leaving me because I don’t satisfy her sexually. Chance would be a fine thing, every time I get romantic, all I get is, "I have a headache", "I think my period's coming", “Is sex all you think about?”, “What if the neighbours hear us?”, and my all time favourite, “Ew, not a chance.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 272

You deserved it 302

STI FML

By Anonymous - 11/05/2022 00:01

Today, according to my doctor, I have the most stubborn case of chlamydia he’s ever encountered. It’s somehow survived three full courses of treatment, and I only caught it because my ex-fiancé is a cheating whoremonger. I may never have sex again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 371

You deserved it 175

I likes what I likes

By Anonymous - 10/05/2022 09:00 - United States - La Crosse

Today, my boyfriend confessed to me that the reason why he tickles me all the time is because tickling really turns him on, and my ticklishness is "so fucking sexy!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 917

You deserved it 339

Hey there!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - San Antonio

Today, I accidentally texted a picture of my cock to my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 623

You deserved it 86 903

Egg mode

By Anonymous - 08/05/2022 02:00

Today, my wife got turned on by the muscular girl from the movie Encanto and asked me if I'd be willing to dress as her the next time we have sex. I love my wife and I enjoy sex as much as anyone, but she must have lost her mind if she thinks I'll wear a skirt so she can pretend I'm a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 546

You deserved it 604

Classic

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, in the middle of having sex, my boyfriend of two years got a call. After taking the call, he said, "It's an emergency," and that he had to go. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me his wife was going into labour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 913

You deserved it 6 352

Overdoing it

By Anonymous - 05/05/2022 16:00 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend has epilepsy. How did I find this out? He started having a seizure after I did a striptease for him. I can’t get my boyfriend aroused now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 088

You deserved it 192

Force of habit

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Netherlands - Apeldoorn

Today, I unintentionally moaned during my prostate exam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 442

You deserved it 7 786

Get on with it!

By Anonymous - 05/05/2022 02:00

Today, for our third date, we watched a romantic movie at my house. The sex scene got me all hot and bothered, so I started holding his hand, massaging his thigh, and even fondling his dick, but when I turned to pounce on him right then and there, the bastard was asleep from boredom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 138

You deserved it 439

What the hell is this workplace?

By Anonymous - 04/05/2022 22:00

Today, it’s been so long since I got laid, I decided to rub one out in the office bathroom. I did it twice (morning/afternoon), and both times, there were two different guys clearly doing the same thing. The downstairs office bathroom is apparently a pit of desperation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 420

You deserved it 1 560

No stamina

By Anonymous - 04/05/2022 16:00 - United Arab Emirates

Today, my SO almost passed out during sex due to his lack of physical activity. I've forced him to start going to the gym. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 021

You deserved it 247

Keywords

Gross Animals Cats Poopoo peepee Awkward Love Smells Miscellaneous Embarrassing Health Painful First Dates Christmas Work Social Media Music Grieving Anniversary Boredom Abuse Ironic Intimacy AITA Alcohol Am I overreacting? Drunk Transportation Parents Kids Gun control

The Top

Today, at a supermarket, I ran into a girl I knew in high school. She had two kids with her and they were buying school supplies. My cart was full of beer and snacks. After a chat, she left, not before saying, "I hope things get better for you." I have a job and a girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 670

You deserved it 266

Today, my boyfriend started to suck on my boob, which I quite enjoy, until he said he was breastfeeding and called me "Mummy". I don't think I can ever let his mouth near my boobs ever again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 030

You deserved it 3 408

The Top

Today, I was in an Uber with a friend I hadn't seen in 7 years. I was just catching her up on my daily life when my Uber driver decided to chime into our conversation and kindly inform me that: "[I] should be a stand-up comedian." He literally thought my life was a joke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 541

You deserved it 260

Today, I learned that my family only came to the state I live in because my great grandfather was caught molesting his own children. He was never convicted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 103

You deserved it 66

Today, I ordered a mountain of junk food for myself on Deliveroo. Embarrassed, I pretended there was other people in the house by yelling, "Food’s here, everyone!" to avoid judgment. The delivery guy smiled and said, "Come on, be honest mate, no one else is in there is there?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 116

You deserved it 455

Today, I found out that my girlfriend actually broke up with me a week ago. Apparently, she thought it wasn't necessary to tell me, she just assumed I'd figure it out on my own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 915

You deserved it 173

Today, I went to an extended family reunion. I started chatting to my great grandpa, and he asked me what I do for a living. Before I could tell him I breed animals, my visibly drunk dad interrupted and slurred, "Oh, she jacks things off. Horses, pigs, just about anything, really." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 990

You deserved it 4 091

Today, I went to my hair dresser to get my haircut. When she asked me what I wanted, I told her "the usual". She confused me with another customer and gave me a mullet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 464

You deserved it 33 064