intimacy

Don't knock it until you try it

By Pinsky - 08/12/2021 16:59

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 173

You deserved it 397

Getting on a bit

By Anonymous - 06/12/2021 05:01

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 098

You deserved it 381

Take the hint

By Anonymous - 05/12/2021 01:59

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 932

You deserved it 572

Fair enough

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Dallas

Today, my long-term boyfriend insisted on me going down on him. When I asked what he would do in return, he said, "I was thinking McDonald's." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 455

You deserved it 5 409

Body issues

By Anonymous - 01/12/2021 10:59

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 476

You deserved it 326

No kinkshaming, but come on…

By Anonymous - 30/11/2021 14:01

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 296

You deserved it 169

Perfectly reasonable

By Anonymous - 25/11/2021 20:01

Today, my wife and I had arranged a threesome with a guy, but I was late home so they “had the threesome without me.” It’s not cheating, because I obviously knew she was going to have sex with him during the threesome, but me not being there makes me mad and I can’t coherently explain why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 897

You deserved it 2 530

Redhanded

By Anonymous - 23/11/2021 06:00 - Philippines - Roxas

Today, my mom came in my bedroom without knocking, even though I'd told her to, and caught me masturbating. She stood there in awkward silence before saying, "…Dinner's ready at 6." and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 376

You deserved it 459

In the doghouse

By Anonymous - 22/11/2021 11:01

Today, in the middle of oral sex, I got a cramp in my tongue. Yes, it's a thing that can happen. My wife didn’t believe me, and since I’d already gotten a blowjob from her, she accused me of being lazy, selfish and no good at sex. This led to a huge argument and I’m now sleeping in my truck outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 658

You deserved it 333

Exhausted

By snoozes - 16/11/2021 11:00 - United States

Today, my husband and I have officially become that couple that has to schedule sex. Between his working, my going back to school, raising kids, doing housework and homework, we just haven’t had time. Last night we tried to be spontaneous and get it on. We both fell asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 604

You deserved it 252

Home alone

By Anonymous - 15/11/2021 17:00

Today, I was in the bathroom taking a massive dump, with the door closed, moaning and yelling to get it out, knowing I was home alone. When it was done, I walked out to see my mother on the couch, who said, "I know masturbation is normal, but please try to do it while we're not here." FML

I agree, your life sucks 851

You deserved it 1 388

Misunderstood

By Anonymous - 14/11/2021 17:00

Today, my Tinder date seemed annoyed that my offer of dinner at my house really was an offer of dinner, not easy sex. Apparently, acting like a real woman with a mind and feelings, as opposed to a hole for his penis to temporarily inhabit, completely ruined his night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 858

You deserved it 466

I have sex

By Anonymous - 13/11/2021 23:00 - United States - Vancouver

Today, I had a threesome with two girls. We'd hashed everything out and decided it would just be a one time thing, no attachments. It was great, but afterwards they both got mad at me for not trying to date one of them, and then accused me of wanting the other friend more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 342

You deserved it 1 800

Doing it on the company dime

By Anonymous - 13/11/2021 17:00

Today, at work, I hooked up with a gorgeous customer in a storage shed. Somehow all my coworkers knew within five minutes, so there’s that, but my direct manager now won’t even look at me because apparently he fancied me himself, but didn’t realise I was a lesbian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 582

You deserved it 1 656

So you had a bad date…

By Anonymous - 12/11/2021 14:00

Today, I got a wax to be sexy for my date, but the whole area came up in this nasty rash with bumps and white spots, nasty as hell. When I told him sex was off the table for a few days, he stopped being charming, spent most of the night on his phone then left early with a bad excuse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 556

You deserved it 283

Tough one

By Anonymous - 11/11/2021 05:00

Today, after I recently jabbed in the spine by a nail, cracking the bone and causing some spinal cord damage, I can now still walk, but I'm now incapable of getting an erection, potentially forever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 976

You deserved it 103

Bad timing

By Mel - 10/11/2021 05:00

Today, I'm in the same city as my boyfriend for the first time in 2 months. My body apparently did not like the idea of me having sex again, as I promptly got a UTI and then the week-long breakthrough bleeding that antibiotics often cause me. The same thing happened the week before he had to move, too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 349

You deserved it 180

Shopping fun

By Anonymous - 08/11/2021 22:59

Today, my boyfriend talked me into wearing vibrating underwear in public and of course we bumped into my mom shopping, and of course he chose that moment to turn them on with the remote. The vibrating was way louder than we were expecting, and my mom just walked away shaking her head at us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 625

You deserved it 2 560

Inappropriate question

By Anonymous - 07/11/2021 13:59

Today, my new boyfriend asked to know the penis size of every other guy I’ve been with. There are a lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 196

You deserved it 907

Disappointing

By WhoopsIDidItAgain - 05/11/2021 09:00 - United States - Morgantown

Today, I realized that just because he danced with you, groped you, and told you he wants to sleep with you, doesn't mean that he likes you and won't leave you on "delivered" for days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 077

You deserved it 569

That's so hot

By Anonymous - 04/11/2021 21:00 - Australia - Bundoora

Today, I discovered that I was the catalyst for my best friend's and ex's relationship. Apparently, still being in love with him added crazy heat to their sex life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 265

You deserved it 141

Not fair

By Anonymous - 03/11/2021 17:00

Today, my boyfriend is quite capable of getting an erection. He gets one when we watch porn, when I talk dirty to him and do handjobs or blowjobs, but the moment I get naked for the main event, he goes as soft as a boiled noodle. I haven’t been properly shagged in 6 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 249

You deserved it 325

Service my dong

By Anonymous - 27/10/2021 08:00

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 444

You deserved it 361

Between a rock and a hard place

By Anonymous - 25/10/2021 04:59 - Canada - Enderby

Today, during sex, I was getting close to climax, which is unusual for me due to personal issues. However, I got a piercing headache and had to stop. I later found out my birth control can cause sex headaches and the best way to avoid them is to avoid orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 530

You deserved it 191

Sex ed failed some of y'all

By jaya - 25/10/2021 05:00

Today, at the age of 25, I learned that it is not normal to have absolutely zero sexual desire. All this time, I thought you had to have sex first before developing a sex drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 172

You deserved it 209

Creepypasta

By CSU Ramming - 22/10/2021 22:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 186

You deserved it 290

Be careful what you wish for

By cottage cheese-cunt - 21/10/2021 08:01

Today, I’d been bi-curious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch-searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 973

You deserved it 523

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00 - United States - Shingle Springs

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 108

You deserved it 140

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 842

You deserved it 283

It's not?

By 310 - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he always thought the female orgasm was an urban legend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 190

You deserved it 4 147

Keywords

Embarrassing Miscellaneous Work Christmas Cute Am I overreacting? Holidays Cats Gifts Awkward Shopping Hair Friends Health Relatable Poopoo peepee Education Money Gross Animals Cops Sex Intimacy Neighbours Smells Love Painful First Dates Grieving Social Media

The Top

Today, I ran into my manipulative ex-boyfriend at a party. We were chatting and I mentioned that the guys I have been seeing lately all turn out to be jerks. He said, "Yeah well, you dumped me and don't deserve to be happy." Apparently he has been creeping and scaring off any guys interested in me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 929

You deserved it 4 148

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try the ice cubes in the vagina thing we'd read about. He kept sticking one in after another and they got stuck. My vagina had a brain freeze for a half an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 789

You deserved it 3 968

The Top

Today, I was on a conference call while in the bathroom with all the important people in my district. I thought my phone was on mute, so I took the opportunity to flush the toilet. Turns out, that my phone wasn't on mute, and everyone heard it. I'm the only one who was on the conference call outside of work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 450

You deserved it 30 916

Today, I was studying when a tremendous crash of glass sounded from the other room. Was it a burglar? Nope. The cat had tried to jump from the kitchen table to the top of the cabinet, missed, and slammed into the cabinet's glass door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 354

You deserved it 534

Today, I finally left a one-star review for my doctor’s office. I mentioned my doctor was epic, but called them out on their poor billing practices. I got a call saying my awesome doctor actually owns the clinic. My next appointment is going to be so awkward. FML

I agree, your life sucks 767

You deserved it 348

Today, I discovered my cat frequently licks my toothbrush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 665

You deserved it 5 983

Today, my girlfriend's parents took pictures of my tattoos to make sure I'm "not affiliated with any gangs." I have never even been arrested. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 810

You deserved it 4 178

Today, I was sitting in the hospital waiting area. An old lady was crying, and my five year-old daughter asked her, "Are you okay?" The woman quietly nodded, prompting my daughter to scream at the top of her lungs, "Well shut up then!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 667

You deserved it 11 518