intimacy

By Anonymous - 24/07/2013 16:36 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I found out that even though my boyfriend thinks that peeing on me in the shower is acceptable, he will still freak out and call me disgusting if I try to use the toilet while he's taking a shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 349

You deserved it 6 545

By Iamdisappointed - 24/07/2013 11:50 - Sweden - Ludvika

Today, the doctor told my husband that he is infertile due to slow sperm. As if this is not upsetting enough, my husband blames it on me. According to him, his sperm doesn't get 'aroused' because I'm not sexy enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 899

You deserved it 5 987

Addicted

By oddgrrl99 - 23/07/2013 22:42 - United States - Portage

Today, my husband removed the TV from our bedroom to improve our sex life. Still no sex because he watches TV on his iPhone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 547

You deserved it 4 758

By MenstruallyFrustrated - 23/07/2013 17:18 - United States - Surprise

Today, I was at the store, when I saw my boyfriend in line in front of me. I looked to see what he was purchasing; it was a pack of condoms. When I questioned him, he said that, "They're for us, babe!" We already have an unopened pack at home, and it's my time of the month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 018

You deserved it 6 223

By amanda - 23/07/2013 05:17 - United States - Lafayette

Today, my doctor told me that I suffer from orgasm migraines. Basically, I get an intense migraine that lasts for hours after I have an orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 963

You deserved it 4 587

By Anonymous - 23/07/2013 04:48 - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, my husband was chased out of a bar after he was seen slipping something into a woman's drink. I was the woman, the 'something' was aspirin, and that's the last time we ever try to role-play. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 802

You deserved it 30 735

Sexy talk

By suckstosuck - 23/07/2013 04:04 - United States - Dana Point

Today, I was getting freaky with my boyfriend and told him to spank me. In a seductive voice, he told me not to tell him what to do. Continuing, I asked him how he was going to punish me, to which he then replied, "I'm going to punch you straight in the face." FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 765

You deserved it 13 693

By MarkQ95 - 21/07/2013 23:58 - Ireland

Today, trying to flirt with a girl, I was trying to make it out as if I had a great sex life. I got stuck between saying "100% customer satisfaction" and "no complaints" and blurted out "100% customer complaints." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 837

You deserved it 59 772

Easy

By FootinMouth - 18/07/2013 21:48 - United States - Louisville

Today, my girlfriend said she wanted to get a little crazy and try some role-play. "Act like you don't want it," she said. Without thinking, I replied, "Well, that should be easy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 482

You deserved it 54 676

By Anonymous - 18/07/2013 19:01 - Netherlands - Herkenbosch

Today, I tried coming on to my fiancé. He just pushed me off and got out of bed, saying he wasn't in the mood. A half hour later, I caught him jerking off to several windows of porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 482

You deserved it 6 678

By Anonymous - 17/07/2013 20:27 - United States - Wales

Today, my girlfriend guilted me into roleplaying as Justin Bieber before and during sex. I now feel physically ill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 187

You deserved it 24 246

By me:( - 16/07/2013 23:44 - United States - Romulus

Today, I went to the grocery store with my husband, only to find that his ex-wife worked there. Then I found out he never actually divorced her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 637

You deserved it 5 149

By needsnewshorts - 16/07/2013 01:42 - United States - San Clemente

Today, my girlfriend was sitting on my lap at a birthday party. She thought it would be funny to fart. I came instantly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 520

You deserved it 23 666

By lilly1105 - 15/07/2013 13:19 - United States - Clemson

Today, I placed a Bible app next to an app I use for porn, in the hope that it will encourage me to watch less porn. I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 720

You deserved it 27 411

lilly1105 tells us more.

lilly1105 10

Monday 15 July 2013 23:47

Y'all made me laugh and rethink my **** watching, thanks!

By peniswoman - 14/07/2013 17:03 - United Kingdom - Paisley

Today, my naked boyfriend walked up to me with my towel around his neck and with a hard-on, then declared he was "The Penis Man" and slapped me with his junk. I thought I was dating a man, not a man-child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 041

You deserved it 18 343

Bobs and vagene!!

By fuck - 13/07/2013 17:22 - United Kingdom - Farnham

Today, I was browsing porn in my room, when my dad barged in. I quickly switched to another tab, only to see it was parked on another porn page. I had another browser window open, so I switched to that. More porn. My dad said, "Riiiggghhhttt... You need help, son." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 506

You deserved it 59 910

By fucked up dad - 11/07/2013 19:50 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, after I got turned down for yet another job, my dad glanced up at me and casually remarked that porn is always a stable market. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 455

You deserved it 6 652

By Anonymous - 11/07/2013 14:24 - United States

Today, my 13-year-old daughter and I went to a tropical themed restaurant. She wanted a strawberry Daiquiri, so I asked the waitress for a virgin strawberry Daiquiri. My daughter then said, "But dad, I'm not a virgin." FML

I agree, your life sucks 110 826

You deserved it 13 091

By embarrassed niece - 09/07/2013 16:15 - United States - Cumming

Today, my aunt had the wonderful experience of hearing my boyfriend and I have a very "satisfying" encounter after we stupidly forgot to turn off the baby monitor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 837

You deserved it 50 160

Nice try

By realitybites - 08/07/2013 17:03 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, while at the doctor's, a week overdue with my first child, I was told that sex and orgasms can sometimes help to induce labor. On the way home, my boyfriend asked for road head, arguing that "She said that stuff about orgasms." Not you, honey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 139

You deserved it 7 333

By roseland - 07/07/2013 20:07 - United States - Hilton

Today, my boyfriend nicknamed my vagina after a local waterpark. It wasn't even that annoying until his friends started asking me how much I charged to let people "ride n' slide". FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 154

You deserved it 6 214

By nomorenakedpicsplease - 07/07/2013 05:21 - Canada - Leduc

Today, I found out that my ex-girlfriend gives out my number to guys who ask for hers. Let's just say that I'll never be able to unsee the pictures that were sent to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 456

You deserved it 5 297

Sexy talk

By hamburger - 06/07/2013 21:21 - United States - Adrian

Today, my husband wanted to try anal for the first time. His attempt to sound romantic was him saying, "Open your buns, the meat is ready." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 310

You deserved it 8 506

By Anonymous - 05/07/2013 14:26 - United States - Chicago

Today, I got home from work early and discovered why my 17-year-old daughter's sprained elbow isn't getting any better after weeks of treatment. She can't stop giving handjobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 452

You deserved it 8 737

Salad days

By ugh - 04/07/2013 18:28 - South Africa - Durban

Today, as I was enjoying a nice fish salad, my father looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Ahh, salmon. The 'other' pink meat", then winked suggestively at my mother. I don't think I can ever eat fish again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 680

You deserved it 5 186

Disorderly conduct

By Never Going Back To The Doctor - 04/07/2013 07:03 - United States

Today, at the doctor's, I had lots of papers to fill out so my boyfriend offered to help. We submitted them and the doctor called me a few minutes later. Under disorders my boyfriend had written, "Major cock craving disorder." The doctor couldn't stop giggling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 773

You deserved it 12 467

By OnPlanetVenus - 04/07/2013 04:41 - United States - Hallam

Today, I discovered that when my husband agreed to donate sperm so an infertile friend and his wife could have children, there was nothing "artificial" about the insemination. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 523

You deserved it 6 157

By idk ask freud - 04/07/2013 04:11 - United States - Portland

Today, I woke up from an extremely intense and pleasurable wet dream. This wouldn't have been bad, had it not been about Velveeta cheese. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 764

You deserved it 9 914

By Anonymous - 03/07/2013 16:25 - United States - Iowa City

Today, I was on a movie date with my boyfriend, when he asked for a handjob. I thought I was doing well until he sighed, took my hand off, and said he could finish on his own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 719

You deserved it 18 645

iTouch

By lonely girl - 02/07/2013 06:47 - United States - Oregon City

Today, I got angry after not being able to have an orgasm. What was I angry at? My own hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 381

You deserved it 22 821

Keywords

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The Top

Today, my normally very modest and prissy mom came home, pissed off about something. I asked her what was wrong, but she wouldn't say, and snapped at me to "fuck off." She then grounded me for "making" her use that kind of "vile language." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 831

You deserved it 3 129

Today, my sister, who has "borrowed" almost nine hundred dollars from me over the last few months, told me I was pathetic for not having my driver's license yet and that I "wasn't normal". I was saving that money for my driving lessons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 852

You deserved it 1 057

The Top

Today, I got a text from my friend of 8 years, who I talked to everyday, saying he isn’t allowed to talk to me anymore because the junkie girl he is dating doesn’t want him to talk to other girls. I’m happily married, but she doesn’t like any of his friends who are girls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 214

You deserved it 131

Today, I brought my new girlfriend over to show off to my family when my senile great-grandmother walked into the room wearing nothing but her underpants asking when the Olympics come on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 456

You deserved it 2 718

Today, I realised my boyfriend is only nice to my son to make me happy. Turns out he hates children and will only do the minimum interaction with my 4-year-old son he can get away with, until he can fabricate an excuse to leave the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 919

You deserved it 444

Today, I caught my roommate trying to use my flashlight as a dildo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 297

You deserved it 4 482

Today, while discussing kids, my fiancé told me he has a kid already with his previous fiancé, but he hates kids so much, he left and moved to this country before it was born. He doesn’t even know if it’s a boy or girl, because he simply doesn’t give a toss. Yes, I’m pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 498

You deserved it 755

Today, I was locked out of my house so I texted my cousin to come over and help me get in. She came over, stood on a chair and lifted me through the smallest unlocked window possible. Sadly, this was my bathroom window and I ended up head-first into my toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 681

You deserved it 9 994