The Top

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Good job, son!

By peeepeee. - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, while taking a drug test for a volunteer job, I found out that I have a "shy bladder". It took me ages to pee into a cup. I was congratulated and clapped for by complete strangers when I finally left, all for taking a piss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 022

You deserved it 4 544

By illequipt - 16/03/2009 03:20 - Canada

Today, I was fooling around with my girlfriend for the first time. She put her hand on my cock over my jeans and said, "Get hard for me." I was hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 204 567

You deserved it 32 065

By crookedteeth - 27/08/2009 17:23 - United States

Today, for my birthday, my mom presented me with a $4,000 check to pay for my braces. I've been very self-conscious about my teeth for years. Everyone applauded and told me how happy they were for me. Later, my mom asked me for the check back. Apparently it was just meant to make her look good. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 319

You deserved it 2 827

By B - 04/02/2012 01:17 - United States

Today, my wife screamed at me, calling me a "useless, ungrateful piece of crap", all because I wouldn't have sex with her, despite hours of her nagging. I said no because I've been laid-up in bed for the past week waiting on surgery for an excruciatingly painful hernia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 516

You deserved it 3 431

By DocBastard - 17/12/2011 02:29 - United States

Today, after rocking my one-year old daughter for nearly two hours, she finally fell asleep. As I went to leave her room, I stubbed my toe. I now have a broken toe, a screaming child, and a wife who will be so proud that her daughter's first word is "FUCK!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 422

You deserved it 6 543

DocBastard tells us more.

DocBastard 38

Monday 19 December 2011 22:53

Akai, the only people who say that are people who don't have kids. My 2 children are the most precious things in my world, and I've smiled more since my daughter was born than in all my previous years combined. I truly feel sorry for people who think like you.

By ughh - 22/11/2011 13:22 - United States

Today, my mom read my diary. Then she frantically booked me an appointment with a psychiatrist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 113

You deserved it 5 904

Not now Jesus

By charliemann_ - 12/09/2011 14:28 - United States

Today, a woman came into the gas station where I work, yelling because her credit card wouldn't read at the pump. I politely told her that I could set the pump up for a set amount, and she could swipe the card at the register. Her response? "You need Jesus." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 747

You deserved it 2 780

By Fire sucks. - 17/01/2014 03:42 - United States

Today, there was a forest fire in my town. I was still forced to go to school, as it was safer. A lot of people decided not to go, and we ended up doing nothing but watching the news reports. There, I got to see my house burning on live TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 592

You deserved it 4 658

By WishIWasAWriter - 08/09/2011 18:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I bought a book by a #1 bestselling author, hoping it would distract me from having my manuscript rejected, as well as learn what made their book so successful. Now I realize I need to say stuff like, "I wish I had great boobs (hehe... boobs)" to get my works published. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 387

You deserved it 3 337

By oops123 - 16/07/2012 14:38 - United States

Today, my neighbors are moving. As we were saying our goodbyes, their 12-year-old son approached and thanked me for the times I forgot to shut the blinds and he watched me change. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 244

You deserved it 29 383

By Nothingonyou - 08/09/2010 07:35 - France

Today, it was my birthday. But instead of a decent surprise, my friends decided to smash a cake on my face and unhook my dress, while taking a video of it. In a public shopping mall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 194

You deserved it 3 333

By gixxergirl8787 - 07/06/2010 00:40 - United States

Today, my boyfriend lied about crashing his car just to avoid seeing me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 386

You deserved it 5 537

gixxergirl8787 tells us more.

gixxergirl8787 0

Monday 7 June 2010 15:53

heres the story behind the post for all you assholes who think im ugly or a bitch. really? anyway. my boyfriend of 5 years had gotten back the day before from 2 weeks in florida buying our new house. i had already left for a camping trip. He was to meet me down the next day. On his way down 'supposibly' his friend calls to tell me there has been a terrible accident and he was rushed to the hospital. My drunk ass freaks out drives an hour back home and rushes to the hospital. oh heyy.. guess what hes not there. I go to his house... and theres his car. The excuse was he didnt want to hurt my feelings by telling me he didnt want to camp in the first place... so he just lied. Its his birthday tommarrow and i will not be buying him a damn thing. there ya go :)

By flaps - 19/08/2009 21:02 - United States

Today, I re-dislocated my arm trying to get it out of the cast it was in because I didn't want to pay the $50 dollar fee to get it taken off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 710

You deserved it 95 454

By Anonymous - 07/02/2012 18:15 - United States

Today, I saw my girlfriend at the store and joyfully greeted her. She got really mad at me - it was her identical twin sister, who I still cannot tell apart from my girlfriend. We've been dating for three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 938

You deserved it 21 070

By fuckmylifeLulu - 09/04/2011 16:07 - United States

Today, I filed my taxes. As a divorcée with children, I was supposed to get $3,500 back from the IRS. Alas, my ex's new wife already filed with my children, who don't live with her. I now owe the IRS $250. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 996

You deserved it 4 090

By brando2k5 - 06/12/2011 05:05 - United States

Today, I got the official word my wife is pregnant. Her sister, who lives with us, is also pregnant. I'm stuck in an apartment with two women due in late 2012. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 909

You deserved it 5 788

By xXangelaXx - 21/08/2011 18:23 - United States

Today, my beloved pet chicken ran away from home. I got so distraught that my dad offered to buy me dinner. Specifically, KFC. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 232

You deserved it 6 092

By Anonymous - 02/11/2010 16:26 - Canada

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It was the first time in four months since our baby was born, that I could really enjoy it. After we finished up we walked into the livingroom, where my white faced brother was sitting. He said we left the baby monitor on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 731

You deserved it 37 371

By Stolemylady - 04/06/2012 07:05 - Australia

Today, while at my ex-girlfriend's wedding, I had to hear her explain how she met the love of her life. This happened in the four years we were dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 325

You deserved it 6 805

By neverakid - 14/04/2012 01:01 - United States

Today, I surprised my daughter by telling her that I'm going to treat the family to a trip to the Himalayas in a few months. She promptly threw a tantrum and listed her main reasons for not wanting us to go: "It's a freaking desert there," and, "I'll miss the new Spiderman movie." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 074

You deserved it 4 265

By Anonymous - 07/05/2011 00:22 - United States

Today, I stubbed my toe against the corner of my bed, causing me to gasp and moan in pain. My parents overheard, and now I'm getting the full coming of age talk and how I shouldn't lie about what I was doing. I didn't do anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 519

You deserved it 4 694

Not a laughing matter

By Anonymous - 26/02/2014 09:31 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, on Facebook, someone wrote a status implying that she was going to kill herself. I called a mutual friend, asking to check up on her. The next status the girl puts up said, "Someone thought I was going to commit suicide! Haha what a loser!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 231

You deserved it 4 959

By PookaKay02 - 20/09/2011 04:26 - United States

Today, I realize that my boyfriend's breath quite literally smells like a sewer. It wouldn't be so bad, except that he tries to kiss me about every ten minutes, and I have to hold my breath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 033

You deserved it 8 629

By Anonymous - 28/10/2009 18:40 - United States

Today, I was playing with my cat and holding her upside down. She started frantically meowing, but I still continued on playing with her. Seconds later, she got explosive diarrhea everywhere, including my hair, face, shirt, and mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 238

You deserved it 89 773

Dangerous words

By lily - 30/08/2009 20:17 - United States

Today, my friend and I were making sandwiches at his house. His family's dog wandered over just as I dropped a large chunk of cheddar on the floor. The dog snatched it up and ran away with it. I yelled after it, jokingly, that I hoped it would choke and die. It did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 148

You deserved it 54 644

By sfabsits - 17/07/2011 07:00 - United States

Today, while I was waitressing, two girls ran up a tab of $60 in drinks. They ended up not paying the bill and walking out. My boss told me it won't be the first time or last, as he made me pay their bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 935

You deserved it 3 299

Not sporty

By Hannah - 22/03/2012 17:21 - Ireland - Wexford

Today, I passed a field where some kids were playing football. The ball rolled over in my direction, so they asked me to kick it over. I tried and failed three times, and ended up throwing it over, where it embarrassingly landed about 2 feet away. They had to come over and get it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 179

You deserved it 10 901

By Anonymous - 27/09/2010 15:07 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I got a graphing calculator and my period. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 580

You deserved it 4 799

By Janie - 10/01/2012 05:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend changed his relationship status on Facebook to "Single" and his status to "I'm not kidding, leave your key on the counter." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 566

You deserved it 4 018

By Ixi_the_pixie - 06/01/2012 16:16 - United States

Today, my therapist told me, "I'm sorry, but I'm not qualified to handle your level of instability." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 894

You deserved it 4 814

Keywords

My ex Love Awkward Jealousy AITA Friends Poopoo peepee Health Embarrassing Sports Proposal Snow Cold weather Annoying Cheating Work Relatable Money Parenting Kids DIY Accident Parents Medication ADHD Weather Miscellaneous Relationship advice Am I overreacting? Weird

The Top

Today, there was a long queue at the store, and behind me were two senior citizens. I wanted to do a good deed, so I said, "Cut before me in line, I have all the time in the world." My reward? The old man scolded me because I supposedly insinuated that they were old, and only had a short time left to live. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 423

You deserved it 13 444

Today, I was babysitting this 12 year old. We were watching a movie, and he was being an angel just laying with his head in my lap. He fell asleep so I closed my eyes and had a little nap. When I woke up he had taken my shirt off and was feeling up my boobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 492

You deserved it 15 057

The Top

Today, I had to cancel my plans to go see my grandma, because I wasn't feeling too well. I called her to apologize, but she had trouble remembering who I was. When I told her my name, she said "Oh, the FAT one." Yes grandma, the fat one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 913

You deserved it 5 563

Today, my father told me to "go get a job". He has been unemployed for 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 974

You deserved it 3 250

Today, I studied all night for a big test. I ended up falling asleep on the bus ride there. I woke up in a different province. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 072

You deserved it 1 868

Today, I heard my ex, the woman I am still in love with and want to get back together with, say she had sex with her boyfriend this morning. It affected me so bad, I started getting physically ill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 881

You deserved it 879

Today, I forgot my phone on the roof of my car. I took a 30 minute drive from my friend's city to my city. I got on to my driveway, surprised to see my phone still there. Thinking I'm really lucky, I pick up my phone. Then, I trip over a pebble, cracking my phone in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 935

You deserved it 4 351

Today, in a fit of jealousy, my 10 year-old unplugged my freezer and lifted the lid before bed. It’s over 80°F in my garage. Now, my entire supply of breast milk is destroyed. Not only do I not have enough stored to feed my own baby, I was also donating to local hospitals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 395

You deserved it 297