The Top

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By Anonymous - 08/11/2010 09:50 - United States

Today, trying to be cute, I told my soon-to-be husband he was the ying to my yang. He responded with, "Baby, you're the Monica Lewinsky to my Bill Clinton." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 555

You deserved it 8 481

By gt - 23/09/2010 00:52 - Canada

Today, my boss fired me because I corrected him after he misspoke during a meeting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 799

You deserved it 35 785

By everyonesdivorced - 02/10/2009 16:47 - Iraq

Today, my husband of five years told me he's leaving me and will be gone when I return from Iraq. When I told him I love him and asked him not to go, he said he won't file divorce papers just yet, but he's moving out-of-state because "we need time apart." I've been gone for most of the year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 586

You deserved it 3 177

Keeping up appearances

By vanessax - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Crown Point

Today, my seven-year-old told me to lose weight. Her reason? There's a family fun day coming up at her school and she is embarrassed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 557

You deserved it 23 437

By Nelson - 09/05/2011 15:05 - Sweden

Today, I was sitting on my balcony reading a book. My upstairs neighbors thought that would be a good time to water their flowers. I'm now drenched in water, as is my book. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 947

You deserved it 3 840

Compacted

By RatFailure - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I looked into my sink's garbage disposal for the first time since I moved in two months ago. Apparently, the putrid smell was not the food I've been throwing down it, but instead, a now what appears to be mutilated litter of rats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 948

You deserved it 3 857

By ToInsecure4me - 10/11/2011 19:20 - United States

Today, I had to stay late at work. My husband made me take a video of myself punching out, to prove I wasn't cheating on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 028

You deserved it 6 445

By Anonymous - 25/08/2012 15:48 - United Kingdom - Northampton

Today, while on the bus, a small child asked me if I was having a baby, and I replied "Yes." I'm not. I was just too ashamed to admit I was fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 729

You deserved it 10 731

By bear - 21/05/2012 22:47 - Norway - Bod?

Today, it's been three weeks since I started using a hair-growth shampoo in the hopes of combating my balding. All it's done so far is make the hair I do have monstrously bushy, both upstairs and down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 943

You deserved it 4 374

By coffee - 22/08/2010 04:27 - United States

Today, while getting out of Starbucks there was a homeless guy. I bought him a coffee and he was so happy he gave me a hug. Guess whose wallet is missing? FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 480

You deserved it 13 622

Immersive experience

By Stormy - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, after a long and tiring day at work, I went to the movies, where I loaded up on soda, popcorn, and candy, and settled in to enjoy the movie. I ended up falling asleep and being woken up two hours later by an usher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 220

You deserved it 8 402

Gettin' some

By Username - 01/05/2011 08:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, I grabbed my t-shirt off the floor beside the bed and got up to walk my boyfriend's dog. After several trips around the block, and plenty of strange looks, I got back upstairs and saw the used condom stuck to my sleeve from the night before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 507

You deserved it 46 408

Love is all around

By Anonymous - 24/08/2009 11:33 - Romania

Today, I had a double wedding with my sister. My mother, being as encouraging as she always is, told us that statistics say one of our marriages will end in divorce. She then explained she thinks it'll be mine because I'm "a self-absorbed bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 697

You deserved it 8 945

By OhaiiKid - 07/03/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, I was home alone. It was very dark and so I went to turn on the lights, when I heard the sound of a gun loading. I dropped to the floor but never heard a gun fire. I got up and heard the sound again. When I got lights on, I discovered it was only my printer telling me it was out of paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 481

You deserved it 26 060

By uwbeautyqueen12 - 01/03/2010 19:15 - United States

Today, I woke up on the floor after I fell asleep last night while counting my tips. The pennies stuck to my face and left large blue circles from the copper. The blue won't come off. I have my senior photos today. My appointment can't be rescheduled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 707

You deserved it 6 577

By mikey09 - 17/01/2010 05:37 - United States

Today, it was my first day at my new job, which requires you to wear a special shirt. Come to find out, they only have medium sized shirts. I'm an XL. They demanded I wear the shirt anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 645

You deserved it 9 298

By ournhd - 13/11/2009 06:11 - United States

Today, I got bailed out of jail. I was there because I saw a girl being hit by her boyfriend. I rushed over to help only to have her hit me repeatedly. The cops came and she blamed her bruises on me. The boyfriend corroborated her story. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 277

You deserved it 3 133

By whysheheartless - 03/11/2009 07:24 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. By making out with her new boyfriend in front of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 895

You deserved it 3 067

By sheilob - 24/03/2012 23:06 - Australia - Camden

Today, I witnessed my husband swat a coffee bean over and over again, all the while mistaking it for a fly. I then figured he probably has a lower IQ than I do, which wouldn't be so bad if mine wasn't a few points away from minor retardation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 617

You deserved it 6 315

By Bishy123 - 26/03/2014 07:50 - United States - Vancouver

Today, I tried to get out of my boyfriend's car in an angered exit because he got a text from the woman he's been cheating on me with. I ended up tripping on my purse, falling out of the car and face-planting onto the sidewalk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 094

You deserved it 7 488

Bishy123 tells us more.

Bishy123 8

Wednesday 26 March 2014 20:48

I was not aware he was cheating on me until I read the text. He is no longer my boyfriend.

By Tiana - 09/01/2012 01:51 - United States

Today, I asked a waiter at a restaurant if I could go in the kitchen to compliment the chef. She turned out to be really pretty, so trying to be cool, I leaned back onto what I thought was a table. It turned out to be a stove, and my shirt caught fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 005

You deserved it 36 906

By bloodyfreakinawful - 14/12/2012 06:40 - United States - Seabrook

Today, in class, I reached into my bag to pull out a tampon, which I hid under my sleeve so I could make a quick escape to the restroom. My teacher yelled at me, because she thought I'd taken out my phone. I then had to prove myself by showing the tampon to the whole class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 976

You deserved it 3 200

By religionbites621 - 22/11/2011 17:18 - United States

Today, I found Jesus. The bad news, he was in the form of a concrete statue falling on my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 559

You deserved it 3 556

By Anonymous - 01/11/2011 16:18 - United States

Today, on a dating site, I was matched with my brother, again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 366

You deserved it 5 988

By Anonymous - 20/05/2009 20:22 - United States

Today, I was out walking my dog. A cute woman said, "Nice dog!" Without thinking, I replied, "You too!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 291

You deserved it 44 876

By number2 - 18/10/2011 01:14 - United States

Today, while sitting on the toilet, my phone pocket dialed my boss's cell. He was in the next stall. He answered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 431

You deserved it 4 032

By faceless_sailor8 - 31/08/2011 16:25 - United States

Today, my wife compared me to Sid the sloth from Ice Age. Same smile, same eyes, same belly, same big feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 684

You deserved it 5 732

By MC - 15/08/2011 02:51 - Canada

Today, I was so drunk that I gave my mom's number instead of mine to the really cute guy I met at the bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 521

You deserved it 39 613

By Anonymous - 02/04/2009 18:21 - United States

Today, I was working as the shift manager at my job at a fast food restaurant. Our company policy states that all employees must be clean shaven before coming to work. I had to inform one of the employees, Kris, that they had to shave before clocking in. Kris is a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 131

You deserved it 3 570

By fannylovesfelix - 10/03/2009 23:05 - United States

Today, my cat got into the bathroom while I was changing my tampon. As I was throwing the applicator away, I felt a sharp pain around my vagina; I looked down to find him swatting at the tampon string. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 757

You deserved it 11 903

fannylovesfelix tells us more.

fannylovesfelix 0

Wednesday 11 March 2009 4:52

Hiii... My bathroom is insanely tiny. Think airplane bathroom small; I can lean over from the toilet to reach the sink/trash can, so...I was leaning over from the toilet. Fail, I know. Lesson learned. Also, my door doesn't completely shut so he can pry it open. Ehh, or he cries and well...I feel bad. I've given up on keeping him out. : On a lighter note, it doesn't hurt anymore. Also, he's cute enough that I forgive him. :)

Keywords

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The Top

Today, while driving home, I looked in the rear-view mirror and saw that my three-year-old daughter had managed to get out of her seat and had crawled to the back window. I pulled over and strapped her in again. Five minutes later she was back at the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 220

You deserved it 5 961

Today, a blowjob from my fiancée turned into exchanged oral, which turned into mutual masturbation while watching porn, which then turned into me being kicked out of the room because it was "weird" with me watching. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 350

You deserved it 403

The Top

Today, a guy said to me, "I'd really love to see that smile back at my place." Trying to be cute, I asked him if he was single. He replied with, "No, but I am a dentist. I could definitely fix that crossbite." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 644

You deserved it 3 515

Today, my boyfriend left me after I'd been supporting him for 9 months while he "finds himself." Why? Because I wanted to go grocery shopping instead of him eating out every day with my money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 032

You deserved it 341

Today, my girlfriend, her grandma, and I were leaving her house to eat lunch. I stubbed my toe on the door while exiting. It hurt, so I stood there shortly in pain. I heard my girlfriend's grandma call me a "pansy". I later saw blood and took off my shoe. My whole toenail had come off of my big toe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 167

You deserved it 3 534

Today, I was talking to a friend about how many germs live on the average cell phone. My five year old son apparently overheard me talking, and decided to give my cell phone a bath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 619

You deserved it 6 508

Today, I’m still on bed rest recovering from life-altering surgery. My pain is unreal but the pills make me nauseous or knock me out cold. When I try to express what I’m going through, all anyone tries to do is cheer me up without listening. I just want someone to understand what I’m going through. FML

I agree, your life sucks 972

You deserved it 183

Today, some jerk super glued leaves and a note onto my car's front windshield. Not only is it directly in front of the driver's seat and makes it nearly impossible to drive, but it won't come off. What makes it worse? I was spending the night at a friend's house and the note was meant for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 128

You deserved it 2 608