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By partygirlxxx - 24/05/2009 03:01 - United States

Today, for my birthday, my brother gave me some of those fake 'Harry Potter' edible cockroaches. I ate one. It wasn't fake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 716

You deserved it 9 748

Fast turnover

By EnglandRocks - 12/03/2015 18:03 - Switzerland - Bern

Today, it is the one-year anniversary of my mother's death. It's also the day my father chose to announce his engagement, to the whole family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 352

You deserved it 2 761

By notsoonenufdeparted - 02/10/2010 05:07 - United States

Today, my four-year-old asked me when I was going to die. I replied "Not for a long time, why?" He looked at me and stated "Because I only want to live with Daddy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 277

You deserved it 4 814

By biggmouth - 26/03/2009 22:44 - United States

Today, my teacher was giving a lecture about human genetics and how they are passed on to children. She projected a large picture of a baby on to the screen in the front of the room. I then joked about how this ugly baby must have some very unattractive parents. It was her baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 358

You deserved it 119 755

By Anonymous - 26/07/2011 04:30 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend was over at my house for the first time. I told her I had to go take a shower, and from the other room my grandmother yells "you're not going to jack off this time are you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 016

You deserved it 8 977

You were warned

By kko - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, a man next to me was feeding the birds when he ran out of food. We were at Adventure Island and there were "Do not feed the birds" signs everywhere. The birds then became aggressive and started savaging the both of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 671

You deserved it 4 898

By psychoticbiatch - 08/04/2012 13:58 - Australia - Perth

Today, it's my 30th birthday. I was having a great night until I overheard my mother say, "I can't believe that thing made it to 30." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 781

You deserved it 2 653

psychoticbiatch tells us more.

psychoticbiatch 5

Monday 9 April 2012 6:09

No, it wasn't at either of our houses it was at my brothers house, so no, I'm the only 30yr old "thing" there

By Nchristine - 27/05/2010 20:59 - United States

Today, I came home to find my dad had backed into my already crappy car. The reason they didn't buy me a nicer car in the first place was they were afraid I'd wreck it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 936

You deserved it 4 143

Method acting

By lol123 - 10/07/2009 10:09 - Norway

Today, it was the premiere of a huge play I've worked on for months. The latest week we've practised a lot, resulting in little sleep. In one of the scenes I'm just lying there pretending to be asleep. Guess who actually fell asleep? FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 759

You deserved it 10 471

By anonymouschicka - 01/08/2009 19:20 - United States

Today, I finished doing a resume that I had spent three hours on. I e-mailed it to the business I was applying for, satisfied. I decided to look it over. The first thing I notice, I spelt my own name wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 254

You deserved it 54 438

First Dates

By sillvy - 13/01/2012 09:32 - United States

Today, I was on a date. I noticed he kept looking at my lips. Thinking he wanted to kiss me, I leaned in closer. Disgusted, he pulled away and said, "I'm sorry, but that pimple on your chin is, like, staring at me or something." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 145

You deserved it 5 569

By noyodel - 04/07/2009 04:04 - Italy

Today, I had been planning a family trip for months. My father had all his bags packed, ready to go in the car. He had my grandmother's ashes in his suitcase, and planned to spread them on a mountain. This morning our car was broken into and everything was stolen. The thief stole my grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 499

You deserved it 3 392

By only 10 more hours to go - 06/01/2012 11:40 - United States

Spicy

Today, at work, I slipped and fell on my backside. The creepy security guard offered to 'kiss it better.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 299

You deserved it 3 383

By julia - 01/12/2012 01:02 - United States - Downers Grove

Spicy

Today, as part of my job as a swimming instructor, I had to help a teenage boy learn how to float. This involves supporting the person's back as they try to float. His boner stood straight up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 490

You deserved it 3 946

Away with the fairies

By peoplesuck - 14/05/2009 07:51 - United States

Today, I stayed up all night to study for my anatomy final at 9 a.m. I studied outside the testing room in the hall all night. Apparently, I fell asleep with my headphones on, as my friend woke me up after walking out of the test, asking how I did. 300 classmates walked by and no one woke me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 143

You deserved it 15 569

By guest - 19/06/2014 01:14 - United States - Agoura Hills

Today, I became the town racist for saying "black" instead of "African-American". I'm black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 780

You deserved it 5 566

By Anonymous - 12/04/2013 15:34 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Just as I was about to orgasm, he pulled away and said that my vagina is like a mask and that he feels like Bane from Batman. He's been talking in a Bane voice to my vagina for 30 minutes now. I guess sex is over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 541

You deserved it 11 824

By jess - 15/02/2012 17:47 - United States

Today, I walked out onto the driveway to find my mom standing on the wet pavement, screaming at the worms that had come out after the rain, saying that they were "on private property" and that they were "trespassing." All of our neighbors had come out of their houses to watch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 005

You deserved it 2 400

Just stop, please

By fuck you, mum - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, marks the sixth day in a row that my mum has called me to discuss my upcoming wedding. She's obsessed and has intimidated the actual planner I hired into going along with her plans. She's slipped up twice already and accidentally referred to it as her own wedding. Just great. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 153

You deserved it 4 292

Jack Frost

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went outside to scrape the inch and a half of ice off my car so I could get to work. After half an hour of intense scraping, I realized that it wasn't my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 367

You deserved it 29 203

By Anonymous - 05/02/2011 03:27 - United States

Spicy

Today, to enhance our sex life, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex in our local mall's parking lot. The feeling of getting caught is fun and exhilarating. Until you actually get caught. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 211

You deserved it 54 712

Don't mind me

By Sam - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Netherlands - Groningen

Today, my colleagues were excitedly talking about going for drinks after work. I heard one of them ask, "Is Sam coming?' and shortly after leave without me. I'm Sam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 308

You deserved it 3 819

By Anonymous - 14/12/2009 00:42 - United States

Today, I saw my four-year-old son running around outside, and copying everything our dog was doing. I thought it was cute, so I went to grab the camera. When I went back outside, I saw my dog eating a dead rabbit, and my son doing the same. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 017

You deserved it 6 445

By Anonymous - 25/08/2012 13:15 - United States

Today, I learned that just because the actual part of the pan that does touch the stove isn't hot doesn't mean that the handle won't give you third degree burns, a broken nose from passing out from the pain, and an expensive trip to the emergency room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 507

You deserved it 6 910

By bailey_biz - 08/01/2015 12:52 - United States - Seneca Falls

Today, the dry skin on my feet has gotten so bad that my boyfriend uses my feet to itch his legs when we're cuddling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 545

You deserved it 21 939

bailey_biz tells us more.

bailey_biz 5

Friday 9 January 2015 1:30

Hey, OP here. I lotion my feet multiple times a day. I also work at a place that requires me to constantly be on my feet. It's not like I don't try to fix it. I've had it for a long time now, I even have my own pedicure instruments and sugar scrub, but it doesn't help get my feet 100% smooth.

By mrsfantastic - 12/09/2010 14:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I was recovering from an operation. After I felt better, I checked my phone. There were 35 missed calls and angry text messages from my boyfriend asking why I wasn't at his house to cook his dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 588

You deserved it 6 504

By buckley456 - 28/05/2012 03:33 - United States - Glenolden

Today, my remote control airplane arrived in the mail. I was super excited, so naturally I took it outside for its first flight. It now resides at the top of the tallest tree in sight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 802

You deserved it 8 962

By Cristoforo - 25/05/2013 08:19 - United States - Mamaroneck

Today, while at the movies, I had an uncomfortable amount of gas that I couldn't hold in any longer. I waited for a loud part in the movie to conceal it and took my chance. Problem was, the loud part ended abruptly. I didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 950

You deserved it 16 806

Cristoforo tells us more.

Cristoforo 17

Sunday 26 May 2013 10:32

To follow up, I was watching Star Trek: Into Darkness (really great movie) and the only ones sitting next to me were my friends. We were sitting in the middle front, I could hear a few "ew's" from the rows behind me but I heard more laughs. I kept my face straight forward and tried to pretend it wasn't me lol

By DjeePee - 07/03/2012 10:28 - Belgium

Today, my boyfriend decided to piss in the shower while I was standing next to him. I did not mind, until I realised the water flows away incredibly slowly. I had to stand in his piss while the shower filled itself with the sweet odor of fresh urine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 584

You deserved it 6 423

DjeePee tells us more.

DjeePee 24

Wednesday 7 March 2012 17:43

A lot of things, I suppose. I don't mind whether he's pissing near me or not, as long as I don't have to watch his piss reaching my feet when it's too late to run away, it's alright.

Trustworthy

By anonymous - 18/03/2013 09:17 - United States - Torrance

Today, I was over at a friend's house feeding her cats while she was on vacation. After feeding the four of them, I found an extra cat under the sofa. Thinking it was an intruding stray, I kicked it out. She actually has 5 cats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 865

You deserved it 57 559

Keywords

AITA Awkward First Dates Love Cute Animals Dogs Alcohol Am I overreacting? Relatable Food Health Thanksgiving Politics Holidays Miscellaneous Family Transportation Cars Intimacy Sex Suspicious Cheating Contraception Kids Poopoo peepee Gross Accident Gifts Birthday

The Top

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I agree, your life sucks 12

You deserved it 18

Today, I went out to dinner with a cute, funny, smart, amazing girl. Or at least I thought she was cute, until she started coughing after her meal. She explained that she coughs after she eats. Can you say dealbreaker? FML

I agree, your life sucks 102

You deserved it 751

The Top

Today, I thought the earwig infestation that had plagued my basement apartment for weeks had finally solved itself. Turns out the black widow infestation took care of it for me. Time to move. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 707

You deserved it 851

Today, I found that my medical school has lost its WFME (World Federation for Medical Education) accreditation and my certificate (that I should be obtaining in two years) will be worthless. To pour salt into the wound, I have finals next week and it's hard to stay motivated after this kind of news. FML

I agree, your life sucks 564

You deserved it 79

Today, a nurse berated me for not being able to lift my leg myself so she could put a cast on. My leg is broken in two places. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 453

You deserved it 282

Today, my hamster had babies. I came home just in time to witness her kick the mutilated bodies of her two babies out of her house, then crawl back in and go to sleep. Now my sister refuses to touch her and calls her a "baby-eating demon." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 855

You deserved it 4 315

Today, my mom cleaned up my room. I had a drawer filled with condoms, 2 vibrators, and a bondage kit. She organized the condoms and vibrators in a shoe box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 918

You deserved it 58 640

Today, I took a polygraph. The interviewer was mad at the way I was breathing and looking down once instead of straight ahead. The third test I started crying because he raised his voice, saying I was disrespecting his time. I was trying so hard but couldn't breathe with the equipment on, leaving my mind blank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 980

You deserved it 140