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First Dates

By sillvy - 13/01/2012 09:32 - United States

Today, I was on a date. I noticed he kept looking at my lips. Thinking he wanted to kiss me, I leaned in closer. Disgusted, he pulled away and said, "I'm sorry, but that pimple on your chin is, like, staring at me or something." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 145

You deserved it 5 569

By only 10 more hours to go - 06/01/2012 11:40 - United States

Today, at work, I slipped and fell on my backside. The creepy security guard offered to 'kiss it better.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 299

You deserved it 3 383

By julia - 01/12/2012 01:02 - United States - Downers Grove

Today, as part of my job as a swimming instructor, I had to help a teenage boy learn how to float. This involves supporting the person's back as they try to float. His boner stood straight up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 490

You deserved it 3 946

By partygirlxxx - 24/05/2009 03:01 - United States

Today, for my birthday, my brother gave me some of those fake 'Harry Potter' edible cockroaches. I ate one. It wasn't fake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 716

You deserved it 9 748

By bailey_biz - 08/01/2015 12:52 - United States - Seneca Falls

Today, the dry skin on my feet has gotten so bad that my boyfriend uses my feet to itch his legs when we're cuddling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 545

You deserved it 21 939

bailey_biz tells us more.

bailey_biz 5

Friday 9 January 2015 1:30

Hey, OP here. I lotion my feet multiple times a day. I also work at a place that requires me to constantly be on my feet. It's not like I don't try to fix it. I've had it for a long time now, I even have my own pedicure instruments and sugar scrub, but it doesn't help get my feet 100% smooth.

By buckley456 - 28/05/2012 03:33 - United States - Glenolden

Today, my remote control airplane arrived in the mail. I was super excited, so naturally I took it outside for its first flight. It now resides at the top of the tallest tree in sight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 802

You deserved it 8 962

By Cristoforo - 25/05/2013 08:19 - United States - Mamaroneck

Today, while at the movies, I had an uncomfortable amount of gas that I couldn't hold in any longer. I waited for a loud part in the movie to conceal it and took my chance. Problem was, the loud part ended abruptly. I didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 950

You deserved it 16 806

Cristoforo tells us more.

Cristoforo 17

Sunday 26 May 2013 10:32

To follow up, I was watching Star Trek: Into Darkness (really great movie) and the only ones sitting next to me were my friends. We were sitting in the middle front, I could hear a few "ew's" from the rows behind me but I heard more laughs. I kept my face straight forward and tried to pretend it wasn't me lol

By Anonymous - 12/04/2013 15:34 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Just as I was about to orgasm, he pulled away and said that my vagina is like a mask and that he feels like Bane from Batman. He's been talking in a Bane voice to my vagina for 30 minutes now. I guess sex is over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 541

You deserved it 11 824

By Nchristine - 27/05/2010 20:59 - United States

Today, I came home to find my dad had backed into my already crappy car. The reason they didn't buy me a nicer car in the first place was they were afraid I'd wreck it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 936

You deserved it 4 143

By jess - 15/02/2012 17:47 - United States

Today, I walked out onto the driveway to find my mom standing on the wet pavement, screaming at the worms that had come out after the rain, saying that they were "on private property" and that they were "trespassing." All of our neighbors had come out of their houses to watch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 005

You deserved it 2 400

Method acting

By lol123 - 10/07/2009 10:09 - Norway

Today, it was the premiere of a huge play I've worked on for months. The latest week we've practised a lot, resulting in little sleep. In one of the scenes I'm just lying there pretending to be asleep. Guess who actually fell asleep? FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 759

You deserved it 10 471

By anonymouschicka - 01/08/2009 19:20 - United States

Today, I finished doing a resume that I had spent three hours on. I e-mailed it to the business I was applying for, satisfied. I decided to look it over. The first thing I notice, I spelt my own name wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 254

You deserved it 54 438

By noyodel - 04/07/2009 04:04 - Italy

Today, I had been planning a family trip for months. My father had all his bags packed, ready to go in the car. He had my grandmother's ashes in his suitcase, and planned to spread them on a mountain. This morning our car was broken into and everything was stolen. The thief stole my grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 499

You deserved it 3 392

Just stop, please

By fuck you, mum - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, marks the sixth day in a row that my mum has called me to discuss my upcoming wedding. She's obsessed and has intimidated the actual planner I hired into going along with her plans. She's slipped up twice already and accidentally referred to it as her own wedding. Just great. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 153

You deserved it 4 292

Don't mind me

By Sam - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Netherlands - Groningen

Today, my colleagues were excitedly talking about going for drinks after work. I heard one of them ask, "Is Sam coming?' and shortly after leave without me. I'm Sam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 308

You deserved it 3 819

Away with the fairies

By peoplesuck - 14/05/2009 07:51 - United States

Today, I stayed up all night to study for my anatomy final at 9 a.m. I studied outside the testing room in the hall all night. Apparently, I fell asleep with my headphones on, as my friend woke me up after walking out of the test, asking how I did. 300 classmates walked by and no one woke me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 143

You deserved it 15 569

By Anonymous - 25/08/2012 13:15 - United States

Today, I learned that just because the actual part of the pan that does touch the stove isn't hot doesn't mean that the handle won't give you third degree burns, a broken nose from passing out from the pain, and an expensive trip to the emergency room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 507

You deserved it 6 910

By mrsfantastic - 12/09/2010 14:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I was recovering from an operation. After I felt better, I checked my phone. There were 35 missed calls and angry text messages from my boyfriend asking why I wasn't at his house to cook his dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 588

You deserved it 6 504

By DjeePee - 07/03/2012 10:28 - Belgium

Today, my boyfriend decided to piss in the shower while I was standing next to him. I did not mind, until I realised the water flows away incredibly slowly. I had to stand in his piss while the shower filled itself with the sweet odor of fresh urine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 584

You deserved it 6 423

DjeePee tells us more.

DjeePee 24

Wednesday 7 March 2012 17:43

A lot of things, I suppose. I don't mind whether he's pissing near me or not, as long as I don't have to watch his piss reaching my feet when it's too late to run away, it's alright.

Trustworthy

By anonymous - 18/03/2013 09:17 - United States - Torrance

Today, I was over at a friend's house feeding her cats while she was on vacation. After feeding the four of them, I found an extra cat under the sofa. Thinking it was an intruding stray, I kicked it out. She actually has 5 cats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 865

You deserved it 57 559

Jack Frost

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went outside to scrape the inch and a half of ice off my car so I could get to work. After half an hour of intense scraping, I realized that it wasn't my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 367

You deserved it 29 203

By Whackgourd - 11/12/2013 18:25 - Canada - Lindsay

Today, while on my way to work, an elderly woman complimented me on my breast cancer scarf. I explained that my grandmother made one for all her female grandchildren before passing away two years ago. The woman then went psycho and almost strangled me in an attempt to steal it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 238

You deserved it 2 915

Whackgourd tells us more.

Whackgourd 6

Thursday 12 December 2013 19:03

The old lady had accused me of lying before trying to take my scarf for herself. She even started screaming at me on the crosswalk before trying to take my scarf. I don't know if she was crazy or suffering delusions, but she claimed she was a cancer survivor and deserved the scarf. Thankfully, my grandmother, (she had knitted two dozen scarves) had figured out how to make them strong. My scarf is a little longer now, but it's still mine and the lady fell after losing the tug of war with me. I did outweigh her. I think she's okay, but I'm keeping an eye out every time I wear my scarf. Also, the only reason my grandma made the scarves was because she liked pink and was dying from her diabetes and bone cancer. But thanks for all the support and all the ironic statements.

By Anonymous - 05/02/2011 03:27 - United States

Today, to enhance our sex life, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex in our local mall's parking lot. The feeling of getting caught is fun and exhilarating. Until you actually get caught. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 211

You deserved it 54 712