All the FMLs

I kissed a girl and I… didn't like it

By Anonymous - 19/08/2022 10:00 - Montenegro - Kotor

Today, after I kissed girl last night, who is pretty but who I don't really like, I'm going out with her tonight, and I feel more pissed than happy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 119

You deserved it 1 482

Good one, dad

By anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was almost done getting ready for a really big date, when I heard my dad call for help from outside. I rushed downstairs and out the door, only to be ambushed and showered by my father with the garden hose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 465

You deserved it 4 279

I take the fifth

By Anonymous - 19/08/2022 06:00

Today, my roommate, who is an alcoholic in denial, comes up to me and tells me she knows I told on her, and is angry at me. The facility we live at is for people in recovery. Her boyfriend is coming over to “confront me.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 919

You deserved it 125

Priorities

By Jamal - 19/08/2022 04:00

Today, after three years of relationship, my ex broke with me because if we continued dating, she wouldn't have any free time to play Clash Royale. FML

I agree, your life sucks 823

You deserved it 128

You can't put a price on a cat

By Anonymous - 18/08/2022 20:00 - United States - Webster

Today, I was nervous about taking my cat to the vet for a UTI, because money’s a little tight. Turns out the antibiotics weren’t that expensive, but he wants at least $1,000 for dental surgery she apparently “needs.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 832

You deserved it 170

Party for one

By sad - 19/08/2022 00:00

Today, I invited all of my friends to my graduation party, and even paid for them all to be there. They all didn’t show. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 020

You deserved it 124

Thanks, I hate it!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, I got my first tip. It was a Mentos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 215

You deserved it 5 781

Drama Llama

By are you fucking kidding me! - 18/08/2022 18:00

Today, I got guilt-tripped into going to eat with my parents and sister. My sister bit into a spicy pepper instead of a mild one, and thought the perfect response would be to shriek, moan, cry, and throw herself to the floor gagging. No she’s not allergic, she’s just a drama queen fishing for a free meal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 947

You deserved it 128

US healthcare is ****** up

By Teethsuck - 18/08/2022 06:00 - United States - North Pole

Today, I went to the dentist two years after having a front tooth knocked out because I could finally (barely) afford the $4000 bill for an implant. They checked me out and told me that my teeth have shifted to the point that I’ll need braces before receiving an implant, for another $4k bill. I’m sick of looking like a hick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 968

You deserved it 125

Guess she's doing fine, then

By Anonymous - 18/08/2022 14:00

Today, after eight years of estrangement, I finally heard from my mother. Not that she contacted me, I just saw her in an YouTube video, in which batshit people in red hats and draped in flags were being interviewed during the "hogs gone wild" shitshow down in Florida, protesting about the FBI. FML

I agree, your life sucks 851

You deserved it 203

All you need is hate

By Anonymous - 18/08/2022 10:00

Today, I told both my boyfriend and my son that they needed to start spending more time together. They both asked why and what they did that I feel the need to punish them. They’re so similar, even I forget they’re not father and son, and yet for some reason they hate each other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 631

You deserved it 447

Very funny, ha ha

By anne - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, my 20 year-old son thought it would be funny to unbuckle my seat belt while the cops were right beside us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 010

You deserved it 4 221

Hindrance

By Anonymous - 18/08/2022 06:00

Today, I haven’t spoken to my husband in a week, and when I finally spoke to him he thanked me because he’s gotten so much work done round the house, caught up on all his paperwork for his job, and reconnected with his Xbox friends. I didn’t realise I was such a fucking distraction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 420

You deserved it 1 585

Fall from grace

By Klutz - 18/08/2022 04:00

Today, I realized that over the past few months, I seem to be getting more and more prone to bumping into things, and tripping over nothing. I'm also apparently more prone to getting injured when this happens. I've always been uncoordinated, but this is getting out of hand. I'm falling apart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 803

You deserved it 114

Go home, you're drunk

By Anonymous - 18/08/2022 00:00

Today, my Orthodox Jewish cousin’s father called his wife’s Reform Jewish family “a bunch of monkey lovers” in his Bat Mitzvah toast. Worst yet, he did basically the same thing at his daughter from his first marriage’s Bat Mitzvah toast, and mentioned this fact in the speech. FML

I agree, your life sucks 815

You deserved it 120

Impressive dating strategy

By Anonymous - 17/08/2022 22:00

Today, my date took me to some sort of comic book/computer convention. I think he was trying to impress me with his online reputation, but it didn’t come across as tech suave, it was more nerd pathetic, the kind that makes vaginas go dry faster than a sand enema. I went home alone, bored. FML

I agree, your life sucks 467

You deserved it 1 187

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

By Anonymous - 17/08/2022 11:00 - United States - Amarillo

Today, I did the dishes to make my parents happy, even though it's my brother's chore. My mom's fancy new Yeti cup was among the dirty dishes, which also has a Bluetooth speaker on the bottom. I didn't know this, and now the Bluetooth speaker is now ruined, mom and dad are furious, and I apparently have to buy a new one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 056

You deserved it 222

Ewwww, people

By Nikol - 17/08/2022 16:00

Today, I’m a 28 year-old information security professional living at my parent’s apartment, and I preferred to literally hide under the bed for an hour, instead of facing some unexpected family relatives. FML

I agree, your life sucks 726

You deserved it 400

Brooklyn 99

By Anonymous - 17/08/2022 14:00

Today, I'm a very stoic, loner lady, with I'll admit some anger issues, and I’m starting to realise why it was a mistake to go out with a girl who’s chirpy, happy, optimistic all the damn time. It’s like I’m Rosa Diaz and I’m dating Amy Santiago, and she’s driving me insane with her happiness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 318

You deserved it 911

Dirty dancing

By Fiesta - 17/08/2022 04:00 - United States

Today, we were at a wedding reception. I had to explain to my husband why it’s inappropriate for another woman to dance with her butt gyrating on his crotch. He insists it was “harmless dancing” and to stop being a “party pooper.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 975

You deserved it 203

Retcon

By BigFatLiar - 17/08/2022 06:00

Today, I had an assignment to make a Powerpoint of our summer, using our photos. Wanting to impress my classmates, and never having the opportunity to travel, I made one about a fake trip to NYC with pics from Google. My professor informed me that one of “my” pics of the city had the WTC towers in them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 147

You deserved it 1 688

Today, on Jerry Springer…

By Ughwhyyyy - 17/08/2022 04:00

Today, my husband filed for divorce. He also put himself “In a relationship” with my daughter on Facebook. She turned 18 a few days ago. He says it’s no big deal because, “at least I waited until she was legal.” The spineless idiot just doesn’t get it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 091

You deserved it 160

Picky eater

By Anonymous - 17/08/2022 02:00

Today, my 27-year-old son told me that for him, eating a food he doesn’t like is “way, way worse” than breaking a bone. He has broken both his arms, several ribs, and a few of his toes, and he still thinks that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 824

You deserved it 266

Spoiled

By StupidGaga - 17/08/2022 00:00

Today, I got an eviction notice. I confronted my roommate, who’s supposed to be covering rent with the half I give her. She said, “Uhhh, about that.. I got Lady Gaga orchestra seat tickets, do you mind covering rent for a while and I’ll pay you back?” She makes three times my income and I can’t afford rent by myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 367

You deserved it 140

Tired of life

By sick as bro - 16/08/2022 16:00 - Australia

Today, I was diagnosed with my seventh chronic illness. My body and life are getting progressively more uncomfortable, painful, exhausting, and difficult. I'm starting to wish one of them was lethal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 190

You deserved it 119

Air filters

By David - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Seattle

Today, my mother-in-law moved in because she has a hip problem. I don't know what's worse, her constant complaining and slob like tendencies, or the eight cats she brought along with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 434

You deserved it 2 224

How could you?

By Anonymous - 16/08/2022 16:00

Today, my girlfriend punched me in the back of the neck because I was talking to a woman online. It was a public Call Of Duty match, I have no control over who I play with, plus I wasn’t even talking specifically to whoever this woman was, just to the people in general like all COD players. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 046

You deserved it 177

Alexa, play "Pay Your Rates" by The Fall

By Anonymous - 16/08/2022 14:00

Today, my 40 year-old idiot son declared he's going to become a priest. He’s not Catholic, not religious, married, expecting a baby, gambles, and only wants to do it because he read somewhere the clergy are tax exempt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 889

You deserved it 186

Woo woo

By Anonymous - 16/08/2022 06:00 - Australia

Today, my housemate picked me up from the psychiatric ward, after I'd spent ten days there with a major depressive episode. She said that she thought it rather odd that I'd gotten so bad, since she'd replaced my antidepressants with homeopathic pills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 596

You deserved it 100

Happy feet

By Penguin Slide - 16/08/2022 04:00 - United States - Concord

Today, I went ice skating at a place with the most terrible rental skates. Pair 1 was too worn out, pair 2 too small, pair 3 damaged inside. I thought pair 4 was finally a winner, until I got on the ice and realized the blades were fucked. I went flying forward, landed hard, and slid across the ice like a penguin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 828

You deserved it 127

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The Top

Today, on my way home from watching a movie with a girl, I began having an erection because I thought I could kiss her goodnight. She dropped me off at home, and with my full blown erection, I walked in front of her car with the headlights on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 434

You deserved it 46 510

Today, there was a long queue at the store, and behind me were two senior citizens. I wanted to do a good deed, so I said, "Cut before me in line, I have all the time in the world." My reward? The old man scolded me because I supposedly insinuated that they were old, and only had a short time left to live. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 423

You deserved it 13 444

The Top

Today, I received a positive Covid-19 test. Despite being largely asymptomatic, the company I work for decided that I've behaved with "gross neglect" by coming to work in an attempt to support the company's ambition, and promptly fired me with no benefits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 693

You deserved it 1 552

Today, I had a very hot sex dream about my female coworker. It was so good I woke up practically rock hard, jerked off, and had an amazing orgasm. There’s just one problem: I’m a gay guy, in a committed relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 452

You deserved it 661

Today, I realized the fun of sneaking around on my girlfriend with her hot mom wasn't worth it when I found out that both my girlfriend and her mom have ended up pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 98

You deserved it 1 254

Today, I got high-fived in the face by a jellyfish. Twice. #FML @KillingerExp

I agree, your life sucks 1 971

You deserved it 259

Today, I was trying on bras in a shop when a little kid stuck their head under my stall. I was completely topless and completely surprised when they asked if I was their mommy. I'm 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 289

You deserved it 179

Today, to amuse my girlfriend, I put on her sexy nightshirt and went out on the balcony for a smoke, all while shaking my booty about in front of her window. She laughed, until one of her neighbors shouted, "HELLO!" from the upper floor, grinning at the show. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 956

You deserved it 10 616