All the FMLs

This is going to be great!

By Anonymous - 29/04/2022 04:00 - United States - Morristown

Today, after we got married five months ago, my wife and I planned a trip to France and Spain as a honeymoon. We’re supposed to be leaving on Saturday. She just told me last night, “I am so not looking forward to the trip.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 941

You deserved it 126

Saxophone solo

By fartypants - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Winter Park

Today, as I finished my piano recital and took a bow, I farted into the microphone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 900

You deserved it 4 578

Alexa, play "I'm Only Sleeping" by The Beatles

By Anonymous - 29/04/2022 06:00

Today, I got home and found my husband passed out, lying in the playpen with our 6 month-old climbing all over him. I don’t know how long he’d been asleep, but her nappy was overflowing and she hadn’t been fed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 960

You deserved it 160

Signs of distress

By Anonymous - 29/04/2022 04:00

Today, I was woken up by my cat, who normally doesn't bother me in the morning, meowing desperately and trying to get me to wake up. Fearing that something was very wrong, I jumped out of bed. He gestured for me to follow him, so I did. I followed him all the way to the kitchen, where he proceeded to puke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 035

You deserved it 212

Boozy wake

By Anonymous - 28/04/2022 23:00 - United Kingdom - Gloucester

Today, it was my stepdad's funeral. Everything was great, until people got drunk, kicked off, and the police got called. FML

I agree, your life sucks 754

You deserved it 115

Get your act together

By MistressMagi - 28/04/2022 22:00

Today, my parents decided that because my sister never cleans the bathroom, every time she doesn’t, she and I BOTH have to pay $100 a week for a maid. I can’t afford to move out, and with this, I never will. FML

I agree, your life sucks 916

You deserved it 159

Bucket list goals

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Marlborough

Today, I had to explain to my friend that being arrested isn't something a decent person should have on their bucket list. I had to explain this while bailing her out of jail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 392

You deserved it 2 560

Someone doesn't like you much

By Anonymous - 28/04/2022 16:00

Today, after work, I found my car in the middle of the empty parking lot with a huge crack in the windshield that wasn't there in the morning. Looks like I have to get the windshield replaced. Again. For the fourth time now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 882

You deserved it 114

Efficiency

By Anonymous - 28/04/2022 14:00

Today, and ever since our management implemented a time card 'clock in and out' system, it’s gone to hell. As long as the work was finished, the boss let us go at 3:30 so I could pick my kids up, but now I have to stay until at least 4:45 and rely on my 70 year-old mom to pick up and look after two hyperactive kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 930

You deserved it 224

Patsy

By Anonymous - 28/04/2022 12:00

Today, my brother ran in, handed me a spatula, and told me to stand still. Barely a second later, our sister came tearing in the house with a fresh, raised welt on her ass cheek in the shape of said spatula, saw me holding said spatula, and kicked my ass up and down the house until I escaped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 972

You deserved it 174

Fast food, hold the fast

By hails - 28/04/2022 04:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, at work, I’ll admit that I wasn’t in a good mood. I work in fast food, and I went to hand this guy his food without looking and he didn’t grab it. I got frustrated so I FINALLY looked. With an equally as upset look, I noticed the guy didn’t have arms, so I’d just been shoving food in his face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 226

You deserved it 1 360

Broken dreams

By dreamteam - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was having a very realistic dream about a hot guy. Just as he was leaning in to ravish me, I was rudely awakened by the sound of my husband farting and snorting at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 916

You deserved it 12 679

Bigmouth strikes again and again

By O Boy - 28/04/2022 00:00 - United States - Pleasantville

Today, my coworker left a tiny mess in the break room. I cleaned it up and jokingly said, "Your mother isn't here to clean up after you." She started crying. I forgot her mom died last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 314

You deserved it 1 273

I get around

By Anonymous - 27/04/2022 22:00 - United States - Boiling Springs

Today, I found out my 11 year-old's best friend, who is two months older than her, is also her sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 242

You deserved it 141

Welcome to Glasgow!

By Anonymous - 28/04/2022 02:00

Today, we arrived in Scotland for our holiday, specifically because we were told it’s one of the friendliest places in the UK. First I was mugged, then my car was broken into and my laptop stolen, then we tried to at least go out for dinner and a drunk told us to, "Fuck off back to 'Curry Country'." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 112

You deserved it 193

Old boys clubs

By Anonymous - 28/04/2022 00:01

Today, my dad called my recently unemployed son a no-good bum for not job hunting. My son literally spent all day beefing up his resume and scheduling job interviews for the whole week. It's not the 1920s anymore, dad. You can't just walk into a building, ask for a job, and get hired right on the spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 596

You deserved it 166

Pink eye, white throat

By Stephanie Kugelman - 27/04/2022 22:00

Today, I'd finally had enough of feeling awful and went to urgent care. As it turns out, the reason my throat was sore was because I have a sinus infection. The doctor explained my nose is producing pus, and that's what I'm swallowing and coughing up. Yuck. I also have pink eye on top of that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 917

You deserved it 159

Ready to rumble

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Canada - Saint John

Today, I got in a heated fight and ended up being punched in the jaw. The fight was about Harry Potter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 210

You deserved it 21 677

Just another day

By Anonymous - 27/04/2022 18:00

Today, I was thrown out of a pub and when the owner was sure no one else could hear him, he whispered in my ear how dare I, "a filthy n****r", set foot in his pub, and if it was up to him "they'd bring back lynchings for my sort." The police didn't do anything, because there was no evidence he'd said it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 376

You deserved it 270

Favoritism

By Anonymous - 27/04/2022 16:00

Today, my older sister dragged us to a restaurant that charged us $80 a piece for 8 mouthfuls of food. She does this all the time. When our youngest sister defended her, it removed all doubt that our parents still pay her bills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 847

You deserved it 145

Don't mention the helicopter parents!

By Anonymous - 27/04/2022 12:00

Today, I got an F because I’m an idiot and wrote my essay on WW1 instead of WW2. I offered to resubmit a correct essay, but my mom stormed to school to demand it be changed to at least a B, because it was a good essay, even if it was on the wrong war. God, she’s impossible and embarrassing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 947

You deserved it 317

Hoping and praying

By whyME - 27/04/2022 10:00

Today, it's day 38 since I bought a new SUV, and the dealership is still working on fixing an issue with the sunroof. I just made my first payment on it and I never got to drive it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 871

You deserved it 161

Oh, hai Mark!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I noticed a man in my neighborhood waving at me. I don't talk to him often so I excitedly waved back. Turns out he was trying to warn me of the car about to hit me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 549

You deserved it 4 564

This ain't it chief

By JemapelleStupid - 27/04/2022 06:00

Today, I was logging into my work computer. My account became locked due to the many failed attempts at typing my password. Thinking I was alone, I said, “Fuck this shit” while dragging the keyboard off my desk. Turns out my supervisor was in the other room. I'd forgotten I'd changed my password the other day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 240

You deserved it 1 016

Bit of a headache

By Vlad - 27/04/2022 04:00 - Germany - Wolfsburg

Today, I have Lyme's disease. I caught it because we used alcohol on the area before we removed the tick that caused it. Apparently, that makes ticks vomit. I'm sick because a tick puked into me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 945

You deserved it 166

Kids will be kids

By Anonymous - 26/04/2022 18:00 - United States

Today, I learned my son has been picking on a girl he has a crush on. He apparently went too far, because she finally snapped and beat him up at recess. The teacher, who knew about this from the beginning and actively did nothing, is trying to throw me under the bus for being oblivious to my son's behavior. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 007

You deserved it 507

Hassle free

By Lana - 26/04/2022 22:00

Today, every time I think of having any children, I remember that an idiotic neighbor let her kids paint all over my car with permanent marker, so I eventually forget about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 814

You deserved it 130

Creepy but mysterious

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, while sorting through my deceased mother's hoard of belongings, I found myself holding a necklace composed entirely of teeth. Human teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 687

You deserved it 338

Funny not funny

By Malic - 26/04/2022 18:00

Today, my husband and I were lovingly holding hands on the couch. I'm not typically a cuddler, but I went with it… until he sneezed into his hands. This would of been fine, if my hand wasn't still coupled with his. His laugh suggested harmless fun. My drenched hand suggested murder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 856

You deserved it 171

Welcome to a movie from 1953

By Anonymous - 26/04/2022 16:00

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to be in the room whilst I gave birth. He offered to wait in the waiting room, but only if I gave birth on a weekend, and if it was a weekday he’d be too busy at work. I reproduced with this guy, and this isn’t the meanest thing he’s ever said to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 606

You deserved it 1 267

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The Top

Today, I was chatting with a co-worker, and she mentioned she has trouble swallowing pills. I replied that I'm lucky, because I have next to no gag reflex. Half the guys at the other registers abruptly went silent, and I'm now being constantly hit on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 203

You deserved it 17 042

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I agree, your life sucks 11

You deserved it 21

The Top

Today, my roommate decided that because she has an oral report due, she's going to scream at the top of her lungs until she loses her voice to get out of it. It's been two hours and she refuses to stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 718

You deserved it 2 839

Today, my cat jumped out a fourth-story window when I went to pet her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 888

You deserved it 973

Today, I helped my parents move out of their old house. While I was guiding my dad down the stairs with the couch, my mom asked me to pick up the tape on the step below me. I bent over and grunted. My dad thought I said "Go" and kept moving. He knocked me down two flights of steps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 728

You deserved it 4 255

Today, I found out that sharing Apple ID’s with your iPhone and your wife’s iPad is a bad idea. She might receive the texts and nude pictures between you and your side chick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 188

You deserved it 7 264

Today, was teacher appreciation day at my school. They played a slideshow of all the teachers. The students cheered wildly for every teacher. When my picture came up, nobody clapped. The whole room was quiet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 035

You deserved it 26 765

Today, while making love, my girlfriend accidentally kicked me in the face when changing positions. She then got mad at me when I went soft due to the pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 415

You deserved it 2 602