All the FMLs

MAS*H theme song starts

By Anonymous - 18/04/2022 02:00

Today, while driving to work, I really took in the scenery. Not for the beauty, but for the practicality and access for the best place to commit suicide. I disregarded one place because it would be too hard to wash away the blood. At least when I'm suicidal, I'm thoughtful about it… FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 016

You deserved it 201

Competitive

By Anonymous - 17/04/2022 22:00

Today, my weightlifter husband is pouting because he is no longer able to lift the amounts he could a year ago. Meanwhile, our weightlifter son is fast approaching the weights my husband used to lift, and is being smug about it. It’s like living with two bears determined to be grumpy at each other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 135

You deserved it 171

Up in smoke

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Portland

Today, I lit my beard on fire while trying to light a cigarette driving to work. I got fired from work when I got there because of my appearance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 808

You deserved it 46 706

Picture perfect

By Anonymous - 17/04/2022 18:00

Today, my boyfriend proposed with the perfect ring, restaurant, flowers, and champagne. He’s never been this well prepared for anything in his life, so he admitted that my mother planned the whole thing and forced him to propose, even though neither of us want to get married. She even bought the ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 285

You deserved it 166

Cats with jobs

By Where's Jerry the mouse when you want him - 17/04/2022 16:00

Today, our baby cries constantly, except for when our grumpy old feral tom cat comes over to lay beside her, lick her head and so on. This bastard cat is the most ornery sumbitch I've ever met and bites worse than a bear trap, yet he's a better dad than I am. Plus, he looks so damn smug while he's doing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 903

You deserved it 256

It was for research purposes

By Anonymous - 17/04/2022 14:00

Today, I was at work and was in a conversation with some colleagues. I go to check my phone and accidentally clicked on the Safari app. Safari still had PornHub pulled up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 256

You deserved it 1 397

Priorities

By Anonymous - 17/04/2022 11:00 - Gabon

Today, my near 70 year-old father posted his Wordle score to the family group chat. Two days after I'd messaged him a warm and lengthy congratulations on his 10-year sobriety anniversary — to which he never replied. FML

I agree, your life sucks 718

You deserved it 199

Baby love

By Anonymous - 17/04/2022 10:00

Today, I'm working while my husband is the stay at home parent. The house is spotless, our baby girl is happy, and he's never been happier. When I stayed at home, I could never keep the house tidy, and she cried constantly. How does he do it? No matter how we do it, I'm always the one who's tired and miserable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 744

You deserved it 855

What were the chances?

By emilyparra1 - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Riverview

Today, I had a job interview for a job I've been dying to have. As I walked into the office, the manager said, "Aren't you my son's ex, the one he cheated on?" All I could do was sit there quietly as he laughed at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 885

You deserved it 2 563

Overrated

By Guessmynameismarythenhuh - 17/04/2022 06:00

Today, out of pure boredom, I decided to listen to the soundtrack from a musical. When I got to the love song, I thought about my anxiety and where I stood with this one guy, and ended up crying to myself. The musical was Jesus Christ Superstar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 668

You deserved it 277

Who are you?

By Anonymous - 16/04/2022 19:00 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, it seems that I've gained so much weight that not even my iPhone can recognize my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 759

You deserved it 378

Does it though? Does it really?

By me. - 16/04/2022 16:01 - United States - Denver

Today, my mom asked me to bring the groceries in. In doing so, I brought in a bag full of toilet paper. She saw me and said, “Um, hello? I only said bring the GROCERIES in.” I was thus today years-old when I learned that ‘groceries’ only means food items, not just things you get from a grocery store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 909

You deserved it 140

Denial is hard to beat

By Keith - 16/04/2022 22:00

Today, my mother still hasn't figured out that my ex is a manipulative cow who has no interest in a relationship with her, apart from her usefulness as a babysitter, and sympathetic cash machine, but when I try to tell her that, she gets mad at me. The kid isn't even mine, it's from the guy she cheated with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 199

You deserved it 99

Overdraft blues

By Anonymous - 16/04/2022 18:00

Today, I got a text from my bank saying that my chequing account is below the threshold amount, and that they will have to charge me if I don’t deposit money soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 810

You deserved it 211

English very good

By Anonymous - 16/04/2022 16:00

Today, I slept in my parents’ room because there was a mouse in mine. My father speaks English as a second language, and is telling everyone that we’re sleeping with each other. Thankfully I’m old enough for it to just sound gross, not illegal. The last thing we need is a CPS visit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 860

You deserved it 132

Guilty feet have got no rhythm

By Anonymous - 16/04/2022 14:00

Today, I found out my wife of 19 years has been cheating on me. She told me that all the "cheating music" that she's been playing the last year and a half should've been a good enough hint. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 126

You deserved it 105

Who stole Chewbacca?

By Tate - 16/04/2022 12:00

Today, I invited a friend over and showed him my collectible action figures. He also collects the ones I do. There was this one particular rare one I own, and he was quite fascinated by it. It mysteriously vanished after he went home. He claims to know nothing about it, and got pissed for accusing him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 127

You deserved it 135

Charmed

By Anonymous - 16/04/2022 10:00

Today, I couldn't figure out why my crush hasn't spoken to me since last October. My other coworkers finally explained that she's still angry at me because I kept referring to her Halloween costume as a "sexy witch costume". As fate would have it, it was just a regular witch costume. It wasn't supposed to be sexy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 676

You deserved it 620

The Katdashians

By obnum - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I met my new girlfriend at her house for the very first time. And her 17 cats, whose names all begin with the letter "K", because they're all "kewl kats." FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 490

You deserved it 9 380

Doss house

By Dane - 16/04/2022 04:00

Today, I was demoted at my job for sleeping in the store when I'd have a few after closing. Apparently, they would rather have me drive drunk than do the responsible thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 218

You deserved it 1 707

Chill out, dude

By Anonymous - 16/04/2022 02:00

Today, on my first day off in months, my stepdad woke me up at the buttcrack of dawn, screaming at me to “get my lazy ass up” and start doing some chores. I guess pretending to still be asleep didn’t make him to go away, because I then felt hot water seeping through the blankets and onto my legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 209

You deserved it 164

Lies and love don't mix

By Gregoree - 16/04/2022 00:01

Today, I borrowed my mom’s BMW to impress my new girlfriend. I'd told her that I owned an accounting firm, so I had to look the part. Today was also the day someone decided to rear-end us. That someone happened to be my boss at Burger King. Let’s just say, the cat’s out of the bag and I’m single now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 183

You deserved it 3 012

Welcome to the danger zone

By Anonymous - 15/04/2022 22:00

Today, an ocean wave tore off my bikini bottoms. It took me a few seconds to notice after I stood up, by which time all of my friends, and quite a few other people, had seen my downstairs zone and laughed at me since I recently trimmed it into a love heart shape for my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 989

You deserved it 321

Screeching

By sdd - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Switzerland - Lotzwil

Today, I was chatting with my choir leader. I told him that I have been thinking about taking singing lessons. His immediate reaction was, "Thank God, finally!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 810

You deserved it 6 862

You haven't changed

By Anonymous - 15/04/2022 09:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, I talked to my ex from Uni for the first time in 10 years. I told her my wife and I just had a baby, and her immediate response was, "I WAS A BABY ONCE!" What the hell did I see in her? FML

I agree, your life sucks 800

You deserved it 233

You're at home here

By Anonymous - 15/04/2022 13:00 - Ireland - Clonmel

Today, after years of struggling with poor mental health, my depression convinced me that no one would ever care enough about me to help if I reached out. I called the local suicide hotline anyway. They didn’t answer. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 152

You deserved it 129

Scary daddy

By and not even in the good way - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to smack my daughter's head gently with a balloon. It hit her hair clip and exploded. She won't stop crying, and my wife will be home any minute. I'm screwed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 152

You deserved it 20 309

Boo!

By Anonymous - 15/04/2022 08:00

Today, I excitedly waited to watch the finale and reunion of The Ultimatum on Netflix. It was the worst thing to ever happen to reality TV, which is really saying something considering all the shit out there. It was the only thing I was looking forward to in months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 299

You deserved it 706

Boundaries and jealous

By Gina Marie Lombardi - 15/04/2022 06:00

Today, I got a text from my friend of 8 years, who I talked to everyday, saying he isn’t allowed to talk to me anymore because the junkie girl he is dating doesn’t want him to talk to other girls. I’m happily married, but she doesn’t like any of his friends who are girls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 211

You deserved it 131

Fancy seeing you here

By mustanggt - 14/04/2022 19:00 - United States - Carlsbad

Today, I met my girlfriend's husband for the first time. It went surprisingly well, despite neither of us knowing the other existed before tonight, but it's still a miserable situation no matter what. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 098

You deserved it 118

Keywords

Love AITA Awkward First Dates Dogs Animals Cute Alcohol Am I overreacting? Health Relatable Food Holidays Miscellaneous Family Thanksgiving Politics Transportation Cars Sex Intimacy Contraception Suspicious Cheating Poopoo peepee Kids Gross Accident Birthday Gifts

The Top

Today, my parents took my to hospital with headache, cramps, sweats and tremors. The doctor thought I was an drug addict in withdrawal, which, after some questions, turns out I am. I gave up fizzy soda last week and am in total withdrawal from caffeine and all the other addictive chemicals in soda. FML

I agree, your life sucks 424

You deserved it 187

Today, at work at an OB office, I heard a ruckus in the hallway before a very large woman burst into my room and tried to attack my very pregnant patient. Crazy lady is the wife of the pregnant lady’s baby daddy, who is nowhere to be found. I don’t get paid enough for this shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 498

You deserved it 63

The Top

Today, it's my husband's funeral. My adult children never made it secret that they didn't like him, but I'd hoped they'd come to support me. Their replies when I asked them went from, "You know I hated him", to "No, I have work", to "I'm not going anywhere near that fanatic's church." FML

I agree, your life sucks 426

You deserved it 1 190

Today, I accidently accepted a lunch invitation from an old friend, because I forgot what they're like. Here comes another hour and a half monologue about how great they are. FML

I agree, your life sucks 750

You deserved it 298

Today, I turned on my camera to find pictures of my dad's secretary giving him a blowjob. Minutes later, I hear a scream from another room as my 12-year-old sister discovers similar pictures on HER camera. Mom and dad say it's no big deal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 245 455

You deserved it 13 937

Today, I went to go get my driver's license, only to be told that I need a copy of my birth certificate. In order to get the copy of my birth certificate, I need a driver's license or my passport. In order to get a passport, I need a copy of my birth certificate or a drivers license. I have none. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 696

You deserved it 5 543

Today, I received yet another increase in my rent. When I moved into my crappy one bedroom apartment in Ohio on Feb 1st 2020 my rent was $525 a month. Now 4 years later its $1050. A 100% increase in 4 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 557

You deserved it 115

Today, I introduced my mother to my new girlfriend. My mom made a very nasty comment about her in Spanish, not realizing that my girlfriend teaches Spanish at the local school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 315

You deserved it 2 906