All the FMLs

**** McGee

By Anonymous - 21/06/2021 20:01

Today, I was supposed to ask for extra memory allocation for my Linux server, but instead of typing, "Can you increase my memory capacity?", I typed, "Can you increase my mammary capacity?" in a group full of senior engineers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 842

You deserved it 294

Pica?

By Anonymous - 21/06/2021 17:59

Today, my mom ate some flowers without knowing if they were safe. Turns out they are slightly poisonous and she had an upset stomach, but she will be fine. Her excuse? "I didn't know it had poison." I had to explain that's exactly why you don't eat plants you don't know are poisonous or not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 899

You deserved it 97

Party time!

By haileypaige123 - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went to my first party, hoping to maybe meet some people. I was there for 4 hours, and the person/thing that I interacted most with was a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 039

You deserved it 7 158

Looking for a job?

By Anonymous - 21/06/2021 19:31 - India - Bangalore

Today, the guy we'd offered to hire, who had a 2-month notice period, emailed to say he couldn't come after all, because his employer offered to retain him. In this two-month timeframe, we didn't interview anybody else and now we're in deep shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 802

You deserved it 499

Shithole

By Julie Wuertz - 21/06/2021 11:01

Today, I was packing up to move when I decided to take a break. I went to get some water from the sink when a bug fell into my cup. Needless to say, I'm glad I'm moving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 791

You deserved it 97

Great organization

By Anonymous - 21/06/2021 08:02

Today, while leaving late for work, I walked out to my car only to find the back window broken. Worst part was, I still had to go to work because no one who could cover me showed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 811

You deserved it 82

Randy Mandy

By Anonymous - 20/06/2021 23:01 - United States - Steele

Today, I was eating lunch with my grandmother when a very muscular young man entered the restaurant. As soon as he walked in, my 70-year-old widowed grandmother looked at him and said, out loud, "Ooh, eye candy!" Everyone in the restaurant began staring at us, and the poor guy's face was red as a tomato. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 002

You deserved it 127

Love hurts

By MissT - 21/06/2021 09:59 - Australia - Dianella

Today, my divorce certificate arrived in the mail. Reading it felt like I was punched in the face by a brick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 924

You deserved it 171

Do as you're told

By ugh1234 - 21/06/2021 02:01

Today, I was demoted at work to a much harder and more time-consuming position because, I quote, "You have more experience." My boss is now telling the others I volunteered to be moved to the lower position. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 024

You deserved it 78

Kevin can **** himself

By Anonymous - 21/06/2021 00:01

Today, my husband was two hours late from picking up my daughter from practice. I called his cell once to check if they were alright. When they finally arrived, he was annoyed at me for "controlling" him. He then pushed his sweaty shirt in my face to take in his "musty scent". When I refused, he got mad again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 033

You deserved it 140

Jesus saves!

By that’s just gross - 20/06/2021 13:01

Today, I’ve always tried to be understanding that my girlfriend grew up very poor and is therefore extremely frugal. However, I finally had to draw the line when she flipped out on me for throwing out her respooled used dental floss and buying another. It was 98 cents for a new one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 102

You deserved it 94

Get 'em while they're young

By Smoked. - 20/06/2021 12:59 - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I got a citation from school. My 10-year-old son was caught smoking cigarettes during recess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 906

You deserved it 218

Get some rest

By Anonymous - 20/06/2021 18:01

Today, I dislocated my shoulder doing a really big stretch when I woke up. After the doctor relocated it, my dad told me I still had to do my chores. No excuses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 916

You deserved it 134

Am I the asshole?

By Yanil - 20/06/2021 16:02

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend from 4 years ago. Turns out she hasn’t found love again since I broke it off with her for her best friend. She’s not the bubbly, cheery girl I met before. I can’t help but feel like an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 423

You deserved it 4 178

Let it all hang out

By Anonymous - 20/06/2021 14:01 - Germany

Today, my mom was pulling up weeds on the terrace while wearing gardening gloves. Why is that worth mentioning? Because that's literally all she was wearing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 141

You deserved it 105

Shoulda woulda coulda

By Anonymous - 20/06/2021 11:00

Today, I did the math: back at college in 2011, I had a $20,000+ reimbursement from my school. If I had invested even half my cash into Bitcoin then ($2.50), I would be worth over $120,000,000. Instead, I said, "Fuck that! This is stupid", and am now over $200,000 in student loan debt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 925

You deserved it 342

Classic mistake

By Anonymous - 20/06/2021 08:01

Today, as a nursing student, I needed to take a blood sample from someone and the veins on his arms weren't really easy to draw blood from. I asked him, "Can I please look at your legs?" It turns out he was amputated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 917

You deserved it 282

Postman Pat

By Anonymous - 19/06/2021 21:01

Today, I got a callback for a job, asking for an interview. I got very excited but also anxious because it's my first job after graduating from uni. While I was on call scheduling the interview, I realised I'd accidentally applied to the Royal Post to be a mailman. Now I have to call again and explain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 276

You deserved it 1 067

Workers of the world unite

By Anonymous - 19/06/2021 19:01 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, the day before I was supposed to go back to work after I got sick, ended up in the hospital, and primary doctor put me on medical leave, I got fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 029

You deserved it 93

Buyer's market

By Anonymous - 20/06/2021 00:01

Today, I found out that my childhood vacation home was on sale for 149K. We sold it for 99K 9 months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 794

You deserved it 230

Told you so

By Anonymous - 19/06/2021 22:00

Today, my wife is leaving me for the guy she told me not to worry about, who is also her ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 098

You deserved it 119

Side effects

By Anonymous - 19/06/2021 18:59 - United Kingdom - Runcorn

Today, I sneezed so hard, I farted. During my vaccine appointment. I hate hayfever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 893

You deserved it 145

Question time

By Anonymous - 19/06/2021 17:00 - United Kingdom - Swansea

Today, I'm constantly checking my emails to see if any of the jobs have got back to me, but nothing yet. There's this one place I really want to work at, and I've already sent a follow-up email for the job, and it's driving me crazy that I haven't heard anything. What should I do? FML

I agree, your life sucks 748

You deserved it 233

Paw Patrol

By Anonymous - 19/06/2021 16:00

Today, on the plus side, I have the best home entertainment ever. On the annoying side, a bunch of kittens will certainly decide that running up *underneath* the protective sheet you put over the sofa is THE most fun to be had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 699

You deserved it 227

Do not disturb

By Anonymous - 19/06/2021 14:00

Today, I’m camping in the middle of nowhere and my mom wrote me not one, but two emails asking where my car keys are, because she needs to move my car. She apparently did not think to check in the key cabinet first. You know, the one where we keep… keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 818

You deserved it 104

Murphy's Law

By Anonymous - 19/06/2021 12:01 - Israel

Today, I had a night shift as a front desk clerk in a nice hotel. Even with 2 years experience, I truly wasn't ready for what was about to happen. From a burned hand by boiling water to unpaid rooms via a guest identification scandal at 3 a.m., everything that could go wrong did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 854

You deserved it 87

Get that pup out of there!

By Anonymous - 19/06/2021 08:01

Today, my girlfriend is so stubborn, she refuses to admit she hates the dog she insisted she had to have 6 months ago. I also hate dogs, so I told her everything dog-related was her problem, especially the pee/poop. Everyone knows she hates the dog but she still refuses to rehome it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 787

You deserved it 357

Never in the buff

By ShyVirgin - 19/06/2021 05:01 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, a staff member entered my room, thinking it was empty. I was naked. This is the second time something like this has happened in the week I have lived here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 843

You deserved it 112

DIY Haircuts

By Anonymous - 19/06/2021 04:01 - Germany

Today, I cut my own hair. It looks great. Absolutely professional. From the front, that is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 304

You deserved it 733

Narcissistic mom strikes again

By Anonymous - 18/06/2021 19:01 - United States - Steele

Today, my mother told me that I "should have never had children" after I sided with my son when he yelled at her for talking too loudly. I have hyperacusis, and my son has sensory deprivation disorder. My mom knows this, and blames it on her friends who are hard of hearing. Nothing is ever her fault. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 026

You deserved it 160

Keywords

Argument Thanksgiving Politics Health Family Frustration Sex Intimacy Miscellaneous Love AITA Awkward First Dates Transportation Cars Road rage Dogs Animals Cute Alcohol Am I overreacting? Food Relatable Holidays Contraception Suspicious Cheating Kids Poopoo peepee Gross

The Top

Today, while losing my virginity to my boyfriend, I had my first orgasm. I don't remember much of what I said during, but after it was all over, he looks at me and says, "You have terrible grammar during climax." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 361

You deserved it 5 630

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. After a few minutes of conversing, he told me he didn't need to give me a ticket. He then asked for a date. I politely declined. After staring at me for a very long moment, he said, "I think I'm going to have to give you that ticket after all." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 750

You deserved it 27 040

The Top

Today, I was dancing with an incredibly sexy man at a club. He was grinding on me when he leaned over and said, "If I was straight, I would make you my queen." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 574

You deserved it 6 232

Today, after my naked husband farted in my face because he’s an immature man child who refuses to act his age, this morning I woke up with raging pink eye. I’m half blind and I’m supposed to be taking my driving test this afternoon. I can’t see. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 192

You deserved it 241

Today, I spent the whole day seeing how many licks it would take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop: 763. I'm 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 257

You deserved it 23 277

Today, I sneezed while brushing my teeth and ended up with toothpaste in my eye. I haven't been able to see clearly for two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 790

You deserved it 4 018

Today, I explained to my boyfriend that I want to get my tubes tied, because I don’t want kids and can’t stand the fear of getting pregnant by accident, despite contraception, which has happened before. He summarized: “So, the main point is to preserve your fertility, right?” Wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 787

You deserved it 312

Today, I had to create a new password for my computer. I had to do it to stop my father from watching porn on my computer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 327

You deserved it 114