All the FMLs

This is the rhythm of the night

By rikitsumiatsu - 10/04/2020 02:00

Today, my wife showed me a video she took of me last night. I was shit-faced, dancing half naked to '90s club music in the middle of the street at midnight. She won't stop laughing at me and replaying the video. FML

I agree, your life sucks 704

You deserved it 2 263

Busted!

By angela - 09/04/2020 23:00

Today, I went to a party. Although I wasn't drinking, I was still afraid the cops would bust me. Halfway through the party, the cops showed up. I tried to hop a fence, ripping my pants and cutting my leg in the meantime. It wasn't until was on the ground that I found out there was a gate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 468

You deserved it 2 101

Mask off

By Anonymous - 09/04/2020 20:00 - India

Today, I found out that the guy I've been dating for a year is and always has been gay. I was apparently "an amazingly convenient beard" for his ultra-religious family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 935

You deserved it 209

Lockdown is driving us down

By I tried - 09/04/2020 17:00

Today, my husband went on a tirade, accusing me of bullying and being too hard on our kids. Apparently, I’m taking this homeschool thing too serious, and I need to cut them a break. All I did was make them write their letters and numbers on paper instead of just using their tablets. Yeah, real mean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 066

You deserved it 182

Stolen valor

By Anonymous - 09/04/2020 08:00

Today, I was on Facebook when I saw a picture a popular girl I don't talk to had posted of her fake ID. She had used my full name and identical signature. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 854

You deserved it 121

There's an app for everything

By Anonymous - 09/04/2020 05:00

Today, my boyfriend told me that he could predict my periods because he keeps track of when I'm at my bitchiest each month. This wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't so accurate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 441

You deserved it 711

Parent #1 of the Year

By no i'm sure you're a responsible parent - 09/04/2020 02:00 - United States

Today, I got bitched out by some lady in a Walmart because I looked at her funny while she was on the phone, loudly bragging about "slapping the shit out of" her kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 648

You deserved it 211

Rude awakening

By Anonymous - 08/04/2020 23:00

Today, I was woken up at 4 in the morning by my boyfriend farting on my leg and giggling in his sleep. For the third time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 543

You deserved it 252

Rod Stewart was wrong

By WTF Lady? - 08/04/2020 20:00

Today, I was walking down my street when a girl came up behind me and started yelling about me being a slut. When she saw I was the wrong person, she continued to yell at me because I have blonde hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 873

You deserved it 171

Headfucked

By Anonymous - 08/04/2020 17:00

Today, after two weeks of migraines, my doctor informed me that bowel movements are one my triggers. This means every time I shit, I will have a headache. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 882

You deserved it 106

That devil water

By Anonymous - 08/04/2020 14:00

Today, my boyfriend went to his friends house to drink. He told me he’s a happy drinker, and I believed him. He calls me drunk about three hours later and tells me he’s been thinking about cheating on me for a long time, and that he also thinks about "being with other women." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 843

You deserved it 201

No thanks, mom

By Anonymous - 08/04/2020 08:00

Today, my crazed and very hormonal pregnant mother told me that I should get pregnant too, so that we can be "preggo buddies." I'm 15. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 150

You deserved it 133

Take care

By Buyingagun - 08/04/2020 05:00

Today, I looked out the window just in time to see a coyote carrying off my cat that I had just let outside five minutes before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 351

You deserved it 567

That slaps!

By Kelli - 08/04/2020 02:00

Today, the whole time my husband and I had sex, my stomach flab violently slapped my thighs. The harder he pumped, the louder the slapping got. Time to lose some weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 409

You deserved it 964

Hangry

By Broke as hell - 07/04/2020 23:00

Today, after being robbed last week, I had no money to go to the store for food. Instead, my dinner consisted of two Tums chewables in tropical fruit flavors. After not eating all day, I thought they actually tasted pretty good. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 029

You deserved it 164

Cultural differences

By Thongy - 07/04/2020 20:00 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. Why? My Australian friend sent me a message saying I'd left my thongs at his house. My boyfriend still refuses to believe that they call flip-flops thongs in Australia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 053

You deserved it 579

Fetch!

By Anonymous - 07/04/2020 17:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were throwing a toy for his dog. He threw it, and I turned my head in that direction, looking for almost a minute before realizing he didn't actually throw it. He's still amused because, "even the dog was smart enough not to fall for that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 386

You deserved it 823

We could be heroes

By OhPleaseNo - 07/04/2020 14:00 - OhPleaseNo

Today, I was at work at my local hospital. I went to the toilet to empty my bladder; the door was half open so I assumed it was empty. Upon opening the door, I was greeted with a half naked old man, who then yelled at me and violently shat himself, all over the walls and floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 708

You deserved it 203

Appropriate force

By Peppered and Zapped - 07/04/2020 05:00

Today, I'm recovering from being pepper-sprayed, beat with a baton and Tased, and arrested for assault. I'm a bouncer and was trying to remove a drunk asshole from the bar when the police showed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 116

You deserved it 208

What's your emergency?

By Anonymous - 06/04/2020 23:00

Today, I found out that because I'm a cop, my 5-year-old son thinks the only way he can contact me is by calling 911. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 824

You deserved it 317

Itchy and Scratchy

By Anonymous - 06/04/2020 20:00 - Australia

Today, I put a collar on my dog to get rid of his fleas. Good news? He doesn't have fleas anymore. Bad news? They've moved onto the rest of my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 574

You deserved it 368

Meat Market

By Kelsey - 06/04/2020 17:00

Today, I had a doctor's appointment and my doctor had to examine my abdomen. I'm generally a pretty fit woman. After touching my abdomen, my doctor called me "the perfect specimen" and asked me if I was single because his son is also single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 038

You deserved it 257

He will

By Elissa Roth Gooden - 06/04/2020 14:00

Today, I actually got to meet actor George Takei. He was really sweet and charming, and I was just thrilled. When we parted, I wanted to say either, "I'll always remember this" or "I'll never forget this." It came out as, "I'll never remember this." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 957

You deserved it 397

That sinking feeling…

By Anonymous - 06/04/2020 08:00

Today, I went to change the toilet paper roll. I failed. It was the last roll of the "right kind," and my wife is "fine" and "not mad." Let the confinement continue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 449

You deserved it 433

With any luck, it'll be canceled

By Anonymous - 06/04/2020 05:00

Today, I found out that my friends finally scheduled their wedding. The entire friend group of the groom, which I am part of, is in the wedding. Except me. If I go I’ll have to watch my boyfriend, who is a groomsman, walk down the aisle with one of the bride’s friends on his arm while I sit alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 918

You deserved it 722

Alexa, play "Don't Stand So Close to Me" by The Police

By Anonymous - 06/04/2020 03:48

Today, my boss forbade me from seeing my significant other until they relax the quarantine rules. We live in barracks on the same base. I'm terrified of accidentally running into her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 856

You deserved it 221

AdrianAmato tells us more.

AdrianAmato 10

Sunday 5 April 2020 22:48

They didn't tell me I can't have a relationship with her, just that we can't visit each other anymore (due to the tighter COVID restrictions) even though we live on the same base and people whose girlfriends live off-base can still visit their girlfriends.

Break it off

By Anonymous - 06/04/2020 02:00

Today, I found out that my fiancée wishes she'd never said yes when I proposed, as she is in love with another man, and has been hiding their relationship for years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 894

You deserved it 143

Three is a magic number

By Jenny - 05/04/2020 23:00

Today, my 15-year-old daughter told me that she's pregnant. To make matters worse, she doesn't know who the father is. She told me not to worry though, because she has it narrowed down to "like, only 3 guys." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 312

You deserved it 495

Captive

By Anonymous - 05/04/2020 20:00

Today, while eating dinner, my girlfriend looked at me, smiled and said, "I can't tell if this is love or Stockholm Syndrome, but either way I'm happy." I'm not sure what to make of that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 498

You deserved it 218

Follow the yellow brown road

By cat_lady - 05/04/2020 17:00

Today, I watched as my poor old cat dragged his ass across our living room carpet, leaving an equally long shit stain on our pristine carpet. My pleas for him to stop only made his diarrhea worse as he ran off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 516

You deserved it 325

Keywords

Awkward Family Love Cute My ex Weird Embarrassing Work Miscellaneous Cancer Ironic Relatable Party Proposal Bosses Empathy Furniture Dogs Animals Zoom Phone calls Cats Delivery Amazon Babysitter Kids Birds Mysterious Scary Stuck

The Top

Today, after my brother took his own life in 2020, my mother launched legal challenges to get 100% of the estate, as he'd left it to my sons as he had no kids. She was successful as the insurance company believed her lies with no proof. It took two years in court to overturn this. This ordeal has crippled me mentally and emotionally. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 534

You deserved it 121

Today, my long-term boyfriend took me to my favorite restaurant. After the main course, he knelt down and finally proposed to me. I was so happy, I almost cried. Until an old woman came over and said I was way too old for him. I'm three years younger than my fiancé. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 951

You deserved it 2 710

The Top

Today, I opened the door to what I thought would be a group of trick or treaters. It was actually a naked man. He wanted to come in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 179

You deserved it 1 973

Today, I found out that my cross-dressing father and my recently deceased mother were having a much more "open" relationship then they'd let on, when the sheriff's department finally gave me mom's phone back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 067

You deserved it 176

Today, I was at a wedding reception. I had to repeatedly shout and wave like an idiot to the waiter for my order because he ignored me several times and kept forgetting about me. I was the bride. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 797

You deserved it 982

Today, my anxious, obsessive, overbearing mother called me four times. That's significantly less than usual. When I complained to my dad, he said, "She just worries about you because she loves you." I don't feel loved, I feel smothered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 831

You deserved it 145

Today, my dog has a better social life than I do. He has more playdates scheduled than I have actual human plans this month. I'm officially my dog's social secretary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 379

You deserved it 217

Today, I again had to quietly sneak in through my bedroom window. I don't live with my parents. I go through my window because my cat thinks everyone who walks in through the door at night is a burglar or something and attacks them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 255

You deserved it 11 322