Sex

Nope

By Anonymous - 07/04/2023 16:00

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of two years. I got a call from my best friend telling me he had slept with her before we went out drinking the night before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 280

You deserved it 159

On the side

By Anonymous - 06/04/2023 10:00 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I saw that the guy I've been seeing "liked" a post that said, "Single moms are for recreational purposes only." I'm a single mom and we just smashed, all this after telling me that I was his "favorite person." FML

I agree, your life sucks 987

You deserved it 416

Fair bargain, actually

By Glee fanatic - 04/04/2023 18:00

Today, I jokingly told my boyfriend that I'd put him on a six-month sex ban if he didn't binge watch Glee with me. He took the sex ban without hesitation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 224

You deserved it 2 006

Kinda sus

By Heartbroken - 03/04/2023 16:00

Today, my husband is going to a business trip where his female coworker, the one he says to "not worry about", yet acts totally lovestruck about, will be too. I saw him pack a box of condoms. He said, “Oops! They’re actually for us, I didn’t mean to pack them.” Honey, we haven’t used condoms in years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 777

You deserved it 180

Frustrated

By Anonymous - 03/04/2023 06:00 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I realised it’s been too long since my partner and I have had sex. How do I know? This is the third night in a row he’s humped me in his sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 383

You deserved it 1 052

Brain bleach

By Anonymous - 02/04/2023 00:00

Today, it's been 3 weeks ago our 12 year-old son walked in on us having sex. Ever since then he’s treating his mom like she was the victim of some horrible crime and treats me like I should be in prison. He refuses to stop, even though we’ve both spoken to him about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 282

You deserved it 307

Horndog

By Anonymous - 31/03/2023 20:00 - Australia - Buderim

Today, I left my student in charge of locking up because my wife was sending me risqué texts during a thunderstorm. When I got home, the windows broke and the living room got flooded. I then found out that my student didn't lock up properly and all my art got soaked. Everything got wet except me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 453

You deserved it 1 201

Mommy issues

By Anonymous - 29/03/2023 00:00

Today, the older I get, the more I realise my mom has screwed up my ability to have sex. She used to beat me if she thought I was having impure thoughts, and though she died years ago, when I try to have sex with my girlfriend I hear mom's voice in my head and I go limp. I can’t even masturbate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 689

You deserved it 154

You what?

By Anonymous - 26/03/2023 04:00 - Venezuela - Caracas

Today, I went to park with a guy I've been infatuated for a long time. We got into his car and found a lovely lonely spot. Then he started talking about kinks, and I noticed that he had a gorilla suit in the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 011

You deserved it 219

Bad student at the school of life

By Anonymous - 26/03/2023 00:00

Today, despite spending literal years educating my son about safe sex and warning him not to do something stupid like get a girl pregnant at 16, he actually surpassed my expectations. He got her pregnant at 17. Plus she gave him a nasty STD. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 390

You deserved it 237

Living in a bad TV show

By Anonymous - 25/03/2023 14:00

Today, I met my girlfriend's mom. Turns out I had sex with her once about 3 months before I met my girlfriend, and had no idea who she was. She’s been “happily” married to my girlfriend's dad for 25 years. I have no idea what to say or do and it’s awkward, so my girlfriend is getting suspicious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 076

You deserved it 462

Third on the podium

By Anonymous - 25/03/2023 06:00 - Pakistan

Today, my parents told me that they had planned two kids (my older siblings) and I was born because my father "thought" that he was wearing a condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 151

You deserved it 144

You never see that in those pornos (or so I'm told)

By Anonymous - 23/03/2023 04:00

Today, while trying anal for the first time, my partner pulled out but the condom got stuck. It was left it dangling outta my butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 799

You deserved it 369

Good to know

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I went on Facebook. The third post down was a selfie of my mom looking sad, with the caption, "God I need a good dicking." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 059

You deserved it 14 154

Turn off

By no no no - 21/03/2023 02:00

Today, my boyfriend decided to "spice up sex" by talking like an anime character. We had to stop after the line, "Your vagina will crumble before the power of my Hypercock!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 109

You deserved it 311

Superficial chud

By Saggy - 20/03/2023 04:00

Today, I was ready to get intimate with my husband 7 months after giving birth to our son. He always made excuses as to why he couldn’t. Our marriage was on the rocks because of this, so when I sat him down to talk he admitted that to save this marriage I need to get a “tummy tuck” and a “breast lift.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 091

You deserved it 243

Don't dream it's over

By Anonymous - 17/03/2023 22:00 - United States - Burleson

Today, I was cockblocked by a machine. I'm in the hospital so I'm attached to the typical machines that monitor vitals, including heart rate. I fell asleep and had a sex dream which made my heart rate go up, which set off the beeping from the machine monitoring my vitals. Bam, I woke up, sex dream over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 065

You deserved it 234

He's the problem

By Anonymous - 16/03/2023 21:00 - United States - Monticello

Today, I realized that my boyfriend of 3 years saying that his back is always hurting to avoid putting in any work during the bedroom Hokey Pokey was his way of saying I’m a lame screw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 846

You deserved it 326

Horny on main

By UnsexyWife - 15/03/2023 20:00

Today, I sent my husband a bra and panties pic. He simply “Liked” it on iMessage. Yet he always comments, “Beautiful, hot, gorgeous, sexy, etc.” on bikini models he follows on Instagram’s photos, along with lovey dovey emojis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 295

You deserved it 322

50 shades of shit

By Anonymous - 13/03/2023 09:00

Today, I got home and I saw my dad come out of the kitchen in a red silk hood. I had no idea what the hell he was doing, until I went inside and heard him upstairs say to mum, “Oh my grandma, what a big mouth you have.” Hell of a way to discover your parents like roleplay in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 232

You deserved it 245

Grindset mindset

By Anonymous - 11/03/2023 21:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, and over the last week, I’ve spent about 10 minutes with my wife over 5 separate occasions because she is married more to her job than to me. And if anyone is interested those 5 occasions were unromantic sex because we’re trying to get pregnant, then straight back to her laptop to work more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 196

You deserved it 282

But still…

By Anonymous - 11/03/2023 02:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, I listened through the wall while my boss had phone sex with his side piece. His wife works down the hall from us, she's the worst, so I have no ethical issues with explaining to her that he "has an appointment." FML

I agree, your life sucks 834

You deserved it 360

Biblically correct frustration

By Bigfoot73 - 09/03/2023 08:00 - United States - Statesville

Today, it's been twelve years, seven months, and fifteen days since my wife has wanted sex. She was drunk. She no longer drinks. Guess my name is Job now and I have to be patient. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 138

You deserved it 357

Take it easy

By rapunzelsvaghair - 06/03/2023 06:00

Today, I flicked the bean so hard I fainted. I was in the shower and ended up coming to a few seconds later. I’m now too traumatized to use my vibrator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 844

You deserved it 540

Safe word

By But i like it rough - 04/03/2023 04:00

Today, I was arguing with my husband and he screamed at me to the point of tears. He asked, “Why are you crying? Last night we had rough sex where I spanked you, threw you around in bed, called you names, and you enjoyed that shit.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 363

You deserved it 396

So frustrating!

By Marvin-jones - 02/03/2023 02:00

Today, my wife accused me of using her for sex. I'd only just admitted to her two days ago that I've been struggling to get it up to try and perform, after a hospital stay and a month of almost no sexual contact. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 064

You deserved it 133

Congratulations

By NeedToGetLaid - 01/03/2023 15:00 - United Kingdom

Today, it’s mine and my fiancée’s two year anniversary. No, not our engagement or dating anniversary, it’s the two year anniversary of when we last had sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 072

You deserved it 355

Self love

By why - 28/02/2023 10:00 - United States - Brookline

Today, I broke my leg. It's bad enough on its own, but I secretly have a fetish for casts and crutches. I'm constantly turned on and it's driving me crazy. Six weeks to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 481

You deserved it 1 186

Prank gone wrong

By Anonymous - 27/02/2023 18:00

Today, my prank-loving girlfriend pushed hot sauce up my penis hole with her tongue by pretending she was going to give me oral sex. It’s been an hour of burning, it’s worse when I pee, and I think I may need a hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 890

You deserved it 253

Turned off

By Anonymous - 26/02/2023 17:00 - United States - Ingleside

Today, my boyfriend texted me a video of him having sex with a girlfriend he was screwing before we met. He thought it would turn me on; instead I am completely repulsed, and it will probably will haunt me for the remainder of our relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 719

You deserved it 241

Keywords

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The Top

Today, I went to a party 40 minutes away by bus with some friends. We missed the bus, waited half an hour for the second, and arrived just in time to hear the policemen say, "Party's over. Get outta here." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 194

You deserved it 8 079

Today, are you excited for Christmas? Because I'm sure not. When I was 14, my dad got hit by a car on Christmas. At 15, my dog died. When I was 16, I got not presents. When I was 17, the Christmas tree was stolen. I wonder what's next… FML

I agree, your life sucks 485

You deserved it 99

The Top

Today, I had to sit and listen to my co-worker moan about how early he has to get up tomorrow to go on his ski holiday in France over Christmas. He also complained about how tiring skiing is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 868

You deserved it 2 425

Today, I had an argument with my boyfriend who was accusing me of only being in a relationship with him because I'd fantasised about being with an Asian. When I told him he was wrong, he asked me what attracted me to him in the first place. "Your eyes" was definitely the wrong answer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 172

You deserved it 7 755

Today, I finally finished watching Dexter. I was more disappointed by the finale than the picture I later received of my girlfriend cheating on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 993

You deserved it 5 529

Today, I asked out the girl of my dreams. She was so excited that she had a severe asthma attack and ended up in hospital. Her answer was yes, but her parents won't let me anywhere near her now. They say I'm lucky they haven't sued me for "trying to kill her". FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 098

You deserved it 2 848

Today, I went to check why my eyelash lady never replied to my message from two days ago, asking about an appointment, only to see that I apparently accidentally sent her 15 picture messages of nudes I took for my fiancé. No wonder she didn’t reply. FML

I agree, your life sucks 341

You deserved it 1 489

Today, I decided to redye my hair. And the sink, and the wall, and the toilet seat, and the tub. FML

I agree, your life sucks 491

You deserved it 888