Sex, Sextoys and Intimacy: First time, last time - FML

First time, last time

By tuggernuts - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Spicy

Today, I was using a penis pump for the first time. It was awesome until it sucked my left testicle into the tube. I'll be singing soprano for a while now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 593

You deserved it 44 766

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Top comments

chocolatepandas 2

Tuesday 17 July 2012 19:00

So that's why Justin Bieber's voice is so high...just kidding he doesn't have a penis.

banstrom17 4

Tuesday 17 July 2012 19:00

At least u didnt suck them both up!

Comments

unknown_user5566 26

Tuesday 17 July 2012 23:20

I stopped reading at SIZABLE **** and started laughing, because I imagined you screaming those two words at me.

MasterGamer591 13

Tuesday 17 July 2012 23:21

What the heck is a penis pump??

Maggums18 0

Tuesday 17 July 2012 23:36

Lmao same thing happened to my boyfriend

lgrootie23 0

Tuesday 17 July 2012 23:36

I don't even like Justin Bieber because you guys are right, his songs are garbage but the people who pick on him are just jealous that he's so young and so successful. If I was him I'd do what it took to in order to make some money.

ileenefudge 29

Monday 6 May 2013 5:52

The people who pick on him are not jealous of him. We just know what good music is and believe he should stop because he sucks and makes terrible... Whatever it is. He's making the music industry worse every time he makes a "song" and we like the music that is actually good. Call me old fashioned but ill choose MJ over him any day.

Leslier_fml 4

Tuesday 17 July 2012 23:50

That sucks!

kaylib7162 6

Tuesday 17 July 2012 23:58

Sorry dude. My ex used one a couple times and he doesn't have a small **** by any stretch of the imagination. Some people just use them to use them not because they have a small ****. Sorry about your nut though.

perdix 29

Wednesday 18 July 2012 0:00

n00b! Everyone knows you need to hold your balls down with a wooden spoon before evacuating the penis pump. Er, um, ... or so I've heard. Wanna come over to my place to eat? I just made soup!

jaredofmo 22

Wednesday 18 July 2012 0:11

I know everyone's saying "You should get a girlfriend," but... God gave you hands for a reason.

KingCeltic77 18

Wednesday 18 July 2012 0:27

Dafuq I just read?

NoahEibon 11

Wednesday 18 July 2012 0:32

Yummy, kinky torture! ;)

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Keywords

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The Top

Today, it's been a few months ago since we finally got the divorce we’ve wanted for years. He seems to have forgotten our shared photo library as he just uploaded a bunch of photos of all his disgusting sexual exploits, including the threesome he always wanted. Meanwhile, I can’t get so much as a second date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 357

You deserved it 235

Today, a few days after I let my boyfriend introduce food into our sex life and we used melted chocolate, I've now got a UTI. I’ve never had a UTI before in my life, so I’m blaming him for the fact it feels like I’m peeing needles dipped in acid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 961

You deserved it 2 450

The Top

Today, I met a new guy at work who would not stop hitting on me. We ended up on a six hour shift together watching a pool, so we were wearing nothing but bathing suits when he began grabbing me inappropriately. When I confided in my female coworker about it, she told me he was her husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 851

You deserved it 3 241

Today, I'm ending a 35 year marriage. In the last few months, my husband has told me that he has been preferring porn to me since before we were married, he has had multiple affairs, he always knew his family was toxic and messing with me. Oh, and he wants us to, "Move on and have a happy retirement together." FML

I agree, your life sucks 462

You deserved it 141

Today, I walked face first into a near-invisible spiderweb. There's nothing worse than the feeling of a spider web wrapped around your face. Except maybe the feeling of the spider that saw my screaming mouth as a good hiding spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 005

You deserved it 2 190

Today, it was my birthday. I only got one message, from my dad, which was a sexual image meant for my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 981

You deserved it 3 451

Today, I was telling my sister about the stupid sorts of questions I get asked at work. She looked at me and said "I give you five years until you turn into a raging, chain-smoking corporate bitch." My mom agreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 521

You deserved it 4 364

Today, my girlfriend screamed at me for throwing away her food, calling me a sick, controlling psycho. When I pointed out that the seafood pasta I tossed was a week old and almost certainly rotten, she dug the box out of the trash and ate it to prove a point. Now she's got food poisoning and somehow it's my fault. FML

I agree, your life sucks 776

You deserved it 118