Sex, Sextoys and Intimacy: First time, last time - FML

First time, last time

By tuggernuts - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Spicy

Today, I was using a penis pump for the first time. It was awesome until it sucked my left testicle into the tube. I'll be singing soprano for a while now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 595

You deserved it 44 772

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Top comments

chocolatepandas 2

Tuesday 17 July 2012 19:00

So that's why Justin Bieber's voice is so high...just kidding he doesn't have a penis.

banstrom17 4

Tuesday 17 July 2012 19:00

At least u didnt suck them both up!

Comments

unknown_user5566 26

Tuesday 17 July 2012 23:20

I stopped reading at SIZABLE **** and started laughing, because I imagined you screaming those two words at me.

MasterGamer591 13

Tuesday 17 July 2012 23:21

What the heck is a penis pump??

Maggums18 0

Tuesday 17 July 2012 23:36

Lmao same thing happened to my boyfriend

lgrootie23 0

Tuesday 17 July 2012 23:36

I don't even like Justin Bieber because you guys are right, his songs are garbage but the people who pick on him are just jealous that he's so young and so successful. If I was him I'd do what it took to in order to make some money.

ileenefudge 29

Monday 6 May 2013 5:52

The people who pick on him are not jealous of him. We just know what good music is and believe he should stop because he sucks and makes terrible... Whatever it is. He's making the music industry worse every time he makes a "song" and we like the music that is actually good. Call me old fashioned but ill choose MJ over him any day.

Leslier_fml 4

Tuesday 17 July 2012 23:50

That sucks!

kaylib7162 6

Tuesday 17 July 2012 23:58

Sorry dude. My ex used one a couple times and he doesn't have a small **** by any stretch of the imagination. Some people just use them to use them not because they have a small ****. Sorry about your nut though.

perdix 29

Wednesday 18 July 2012 0:00

n00b! Everyone knows you need to hold your balls down with a wooden spoon before evacuating the penis pump. Er, um, ... or so I've heard. Wanna come over to my place to eat? I just made soup!

jaredofmo 22

Wednesday 18 July 2012 0:11

I know everyone's saying "You should get a girlfriend," but... God gave you hands for a reason.

KingCeltic77 18

Wednesday 18 July 2012 0:27

Dafuq I just read?

NoahEibon 11

Wednesday 18 July 2012 0:32

Yummy, kinky torture! ;)

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Keywords

Cats Animals Christmas Health Embarrassing Awkward Work Boredom Love Anniversary Ironic Abuse Intimacy Am I overreacting? Drunk AITA Alcohol Transportation Parents Gun control Kids Language Mysterious Noise Relatable Money Miscellaneous Delivery Food Family

The Top

Today, my best friend got a new boyfriend. She asked him what he wanted for his upcoming birthday, and he said he just wanted to hang out with her and watch a movie or two. I thought it was sweet, so I asked my boyfriend what he would like for his upcoming birthday. He said a blow job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 198

You deserved it 47 641

Today, I learned the meaning behind the phrase, "Love you long time". It's from the movie Full Metal Jacket, when a hooker comes in and says, "Me so horny, me love you long time." I've been saying this to my parents and people at school, having no idea what it really means for over 2 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 786

You deserved it 22 717

The Top

Today, I had to work a double shift after my relief called in "sick" just so he could go to a party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 887

You deserved it 2 564

Today, two really hot guys pulled up in a car next to mine. They were waving at me and pointing down, I figured they were being pigs so I flipped them off. Turns out they were trying to warn me of the flat tire I had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 432

You deserved it 84 243

Today, my seventy-year-old male live-in landlord asked if I'd heard a low humming noise the last few nights, around midnight, as someone had mentioned it. I feigned ignorance, whilst silently lamenting the decline of my self-pleasure opportunities. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 457

You deserved it 283

Today, after three weeks of suffering from COVID, I returned to work. I met with my boss, and was written up for absenteeism. Oh, and we're closing early because there are ongoing riots. Oh, and we lost the contract and I'm unemployed in three weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 724

You deserved it 285

Today, I sneezed while at the office. I felt snot shoot out, but I couldn't see anything on the tissue. I ignored it and went on with my day. When I went to the bathroom hours later, I noticed a huge wad of snot had dried onto the front of my shirt. No one told me about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 178

You deserved it 4 403

Today, I was talking to my crush about making the soccer team. Excited, he congratulated me and asked for my number. I gave him my cellphone number. He laughed and said "your jersey number". FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 675

You deserved it 11 405