Intimacy: Hands-on

Hands-on

By poolgirl789 - 03/09/2013 06:30 - United Kingdom - Bradford

Today, I had to feed an elderly man in the care home in which I work while he was whacking off. Our work policy states that I have to pretend not to notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 771

You deserved it 4 753

When Christmas Ends Badly…
Rather than debating politics with Uncle Roger for the umpteenth time, share the best Christmas FMLs to finally have a good family meal! More…

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Same thing different taste

Rubbing one out on the sly

By Anonymous - 05/08/2015 17:56 - United States - Camarillo

Today, I went over to talk to my boss. I must have snuck up on her because she was masturbating through her pants. She stopped and I had to chat away, pretending I didn't notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 543

You deserved it 2 450

Not funny anymore

By Anonymous - 29/11/2019 00:00 - United Kingdom

Today, at work, the security threw out an old man in his 80s who had been caught masturbating while hiding in the ladies' changing room. I thought it was funny until my manager told me to clean up that very same changing room with the old man spunk all over the wall and floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 250

You deserved it 1 865

By therewasnocurtain - 06/04/2015 20:07 - United States - Lewiston

Today, I visited my sick grandpa for a few hours in the hospital. His roommate, also an elderly man, wouldn't stop masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 123

You deserved it 2 543

By today - 17/03/2010 06:12

Today, I put on some goggles on in the pool, only to go underwater and see an old man "discreetly" jerking it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 123

You deserved it 4 417

By sadfantasy - 31/03/2016 06:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, the mentally-challenged teen who sometimes comes into my restaurant gave me a hug as usual. I thought it was sweet, until a coworker let me know he immediately goes and jacks off in the bathroom after. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 013

You deserved it 1 639

By Anonymous - 21/08/2012 17:39 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I walked into the restroom at work, only to find my boss stroking and playing with himself. I have my annual performance assessment with him in an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 640

You deserved it 2 338

By aragmir - 18/12/2016 06:10 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, while working at a nursing home, I was alone in the station and figured I could sneak one out. It wound up being very loud, and I could hear the faint snickering of a patient in the next room. Every time he saw me for the rest of the day he would burst out laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 701

You deserved it 2 875

By Sleeper_C3ll - 04/02/2009 23:04 - United States

Today, I heard a man pleasuring himself in the stall next to me during my post lunch deuce. I was washing my hands when my boss walked out of the stall. I can no longer look at him in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 118

You deserved it 2 877

You wanker

By dinosaucer - 12/10/2011 00:19 - United States

Today, I was accused of masturbating during work. I was actually just getting something out of my pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 304

You deserved it 3 563

Eye-bleach please

By Anonymous - 27/04/2020 14:00

Today, I have been having to work in a residence of people with disabilities when I normally do community work with disabled people and usually enjoy it. I have seen not one, but two elderly mens' genitals today when my actual job would never require me to see any. I didn’t sign up for this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 505

You deserved it 310

_GoodGuy 11

Tuesday 3 September 2013 16:12

Can't wait to reach old age, I can do anything I want ;)

crazytwinsmom 25

Tuesday 3 September 2013 16:12

I would think he'd be able to feed himself if he can whack off.

Comments

bubblemint00 6

Tuesday 3 September 2013 17:11

pretty good at multi tasking eh

jaydotch 5

Tuesday 3 September 2013 17:22

'Yankees' fan

TheDrifter 23

Tuesday 3 September 2013 17:33

So many "come back when he's done" comments. Am I the only one thinking that he'd likely just wait until she came back to finish?

Enslaved 36

Tuesday 3 September 2013 18:34

Why, is that what you'd do? :P

TheDrifter 23

Tuesday 3 September 2013 18:46

You think I could get away with it now, or do I have to wait until I hit geriatric?

1dvs_bstd 41

Tuesday 3 September 2013 17:57

The hell kind of policy is that? Just dump the food and let the old perv feed himself, dafuq!!

nevergetsfirst 11

Tuesday 3 September 2013 17:59

what a jerk!

nickob96 25

Tuesday 3 September 2013 18:12

Does this happen so often that your company has a policy regarding it?...I find it wired

worldclassrager 39

Tuesday 3 September 2013 18:26

That's an intreating rule...maybe you find a way not to feed him again...

FrankHotpants 31

Tuesday 3 September 2013 18:46

So you're saying there's a place

FrankHotpants 31

Tuesday 3 September 2013 18:53

...you can go to get fed while whacking it?? Maybe being old isn't so bad.

numberswoman 14

Tuesday 3 September 2013 19:33

That must have been one hell of a terrific meal!

jayellef 3

Tuesday 3 September 2013 19:37

How to do pretend not to notice when there's jiz all over you? That's so gross, I wouldn't work there.

Keywords

Christmas Holidays Toxic Family AITA Love Coworkers Furniture Miscellaneous Intimacy Sex Parents Lonely Relatable Kids Money Health Television Roommate Amazon Work You're fired Cheating Computers Mental health Anger issues Dentist Painful I need your advice Am I overreacting?

The Top

Today, my girlfriend threatened to leave me unless we get married within a year and have a baby. I don’t negotiate with terrorists but now I’m gonna be single and alone over Christmas, unless I wheedle myself into my brother's Christmas, but I think I’d just ruin it for his family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 449

You deserved it 149

Today, I noticed I spend most of my day translating French, German, and other languages for my boss, as he talks to people overseas. As his assistant I make crap money. If I were promoted to a Translator I’d make a lot more. He won’t promote me. In fact he threatened to fire me if I asked again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 486

You deserved it 102

The Top

Today, at a supermarket entrance, a seemingly drunk old lady said, "Sir?" as I passed by. I just ignored her and walked in. When I walked out with my groceries fifteen minutes later, several people were standing around her, calling for an ambulance. She'd passed out on the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 405

You deserved it 58 901

Today, I was laying down with my girlfriend, when she asked me if I'd ever been kicked in the junk. I awkwardly said no, and she replied, "Well maybe that should change." while rubbing my shoulder lovingly. I'm scared. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 976

You deserved it 4 978

Today, I met my brother's girlfriend. We got talking, and we got onto the subject of tattoos. I said how much I hated tramp stamps, and how they make girls look trashy. She said, "Like this?" and showed me hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 327

You deserved it 19 650

Today, I spent 6 hours on an airplane next to an alcoholic Pink Floyd fanatic. I must've drifted off because when I took a trip to the bathroom I noticed that my pant leg that had been closest to the drunk man was soaking wet. I returned to my seat. He was on his side, facing me. I smelt the wet spot. Not beer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 283

You deserved it 2 011

Today, I went to work at a hotel. One of the guests decided to play the piano in the lobby. He's deaf. Unfortunately, I'm not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 366

You deserved it 6 663

Today, my boyfriend's transition into an annoying hipster is complete. It started with the not-really-necessary nerd glasses and the Mötley Crüe t-shirt, the final straw being the affected British accent. I'm considering where to dump the body. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 523

You deserved it 3 241