Intimacy: Today, I discovered that the amount of alcohol I have to drink...

By socially awkward - 10/03/2012 06:00 - United States

Today, I discovered that the amount of alcohol I have to drink to build up enough courage to talk to women at a bar is the exact amount of alcohol that prevents me from getting a boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 321

You deserved it 8 932

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Same thing different taste

By sickened - 25/08/2009 14:17 - Philippines

Today, my friends and I went out drinking, and luckily enough, the guy I have had a crush on for four years now was there. I tried to get drunk so that I can make a move and blame it on the alcohol. I went in to whisper my confession in his ear... only to puke on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 759

You deserved it 68 069

Mommy's little helper

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Oakland

Today, my drinking problem became apparent when my daughter asked for a glass of juice, and I instinctively poured a large glass of scotch instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 729

You deserved it 39 017

Unfazed and dazed

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Lewes

Today, I found out that licking your very chapped lips while totally zoned out and looking in the general direction of a girl, will end up with you becoming the massive college creeper that everyone avoids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 545

You deserved it 3 706

By jcesom - 29/07/2009 05:53 - United States

Today, I showed by ID to get into a bar and the bouncer kept it because he said it wasn't me. It was. Apparently I've gained so much weight I am unrecognizable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 553

You deserved it 15 944

Wanking in the New Year

By Lonesome - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Bossier City

Today, I realized just how lonely I am when I tried to time my ejaculation to happen right as the new year started. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 815

You deserved it 13 310

Night on the tiles

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Ireland - Gorey

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to sneak out of work early and pay a little visit to the pub. I ended up staggering home, drunkenly making myself a nacho cheese dorito milkshake with the blender, then promptly puked my guts out all over the kitchen table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 984

You deserved it 46 613

Sneaky

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Canada - Owen Sound

Today, I caught my dad sneaking a drink of whiskey outside, shortly before my wedding. I asked if he was seriously getting drunk at a time like this. He looked at me and scoffed, "It's the only way I'm gonna get through this stupid shit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 009

You deserved it 5 094

Pros and cons

By aylla - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I was diagnosed with vertigo. It's like being perpetually drunk, but without any of the fun bits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 414

You deserved it 2 496

By myusofwe - 06/02/2016 01:33 - Puerto Rico - Caguas

Today, I finally got the chance to sleep with the guy I like. He couldn't get it up and awkwardly tried to stick his limp penis in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 947

You deserved it 3 031

Betz 10

Saturday 10 March 2012 12:00

Use that same amount of alcohol to get her drunk instead. Problem solved.

Psycho_Babydoll 26

Saturday 10 March 2012 12:10

Get off the Internet, Raaj.

Comments

Namenlos_fml 20

Saturday 10 March 2012 21:45

Speaking of triumphs of evolution, or intelligent design....

Akharr01 5

Saturday 10 March 2012 22:54

Enough is never enough

The_Great_Zucchi 15

Saturday 10 March 2012 23:42

edit: nvm

fiz1kaL 6

Saturday 10 March 2012 23:45

Fold it in half, stuff it in, and nature will fix itself. Unless your dick knows that the 10 is really a 2, than listen to it...

Argenisjose 9

Sunday 11 March 2012 0:05

Raj from the big bang theory is that you

happilyever2012 6

Sunday 11 March 2012 0:07

That stinks, sorry OP :(

Taurus_ChicKa 36

Sunday 11 March 2012 0:52

I'm sorry, but how can anyone say OP doesn't deserve this? If you need alcohol to talk to women, I suggest seeking professional help.

Girlybanana 2

Sunday 11 March 2012 1:16

Kootharppali?

Honda288 2

Sunday 11 March 2012 5:00

Well then your ******. Good luck with life my friend.

DaddyLongStroke 1

Sunday 11 March 2012 5:14

I you need is one, which can be blamed for all usual behaviors.

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The Top

Today, I had to share my room with my cousin while she stayed over. I let her take my bed while I slept on the floor. Not only do my back and neck hurt, but I had to clean vomit out of my hair. Apparently, she "wasn't feeling well" last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 765

You deserved it 4 558

Today, I wore my cheerleading uniform to my boyfriend's house. He was a nerd in high school and mentioned a fantasy about hooking up with a cheerleader. I started acting sassy and a little mean, figuring he would enjoy a more realistic experience. Apparently not, because he started to cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 830

You deserved it 51 884

The Top

Today, I got a phone call from the psychiatrist I had an appointment with next week, telling me that they need to postpone, and the next available session is in three months. This is the fourth time this has happened to me in the last year, with the third doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 873

You deserved it 75

Today, I had to climb over a tall gate. Getting to the top wasn't a problem, but falling face first on the way down wasn't what I'd had in mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 131

You deserved it 10 682

Today, I went to see my ill granddad in hospital. I saw lots of doctors around his bed, and they pronounced him dead, so I ran out crying. A little later, I found out that my granddad had been moved, and it was a different man in his bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 785

You deserved it 4 085

Today, I went in for a full hysterectomy due to medical issues. I came out being 6 weeks pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 007

You deserved it 176

Today, at my grandpa's funeral, my boyfriend texted me while sitting right beside me, asking if we could have sex when the "family get together" was finally over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 115

You deserved it 5 625

Today, I found out that the 28 year-old woman I hooked up with a week ago is a widow and her kids, who I’ve met once, have started calling me Daddy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 044

You deserved it 323