Miscellaneous: Today, I heard a noise outside in the middle of the night, so...

By Gassy - 21/09/2015 14:45 - Australia - Rydalmere

Today, I heard a noise outside in the middle of the night, so I went out for a look. I'm also pregnant and can't stop farting. I get 2 steps outside and accidentally let a huge one rip, then, from the shadows I hear "Oh my god!" and then running in the opposite direction. I farted away a prowler. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 369

You deserved it 3 289

The rhythm of the fight
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Same thing different taste

Hear this?

By soundslikeadumbcommentersituation - 11/07/2014 20:34 - Canada - Brampton

Today, while in my backyard, I had some insane gastric distress. I let out a fart so powerful that it made me yelp in pain, and left my asshole numb. A second later, I heard a cough come from over my neighbor's fence. I had to quietly limp back into my house in shame. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 852

You deserved it 6 935

Gas giant

By morgan - 09/04/2021 23:00

Today, while laying in bed, I let out a huge fart. I then heard my roommate yell from outside my room, "Did you think you were alone?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 789

You deserved it 306

By Anonymous - 26/01/2019 11:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, in my sleep I let out a couple of farts. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal, but on this night I had slept in my mom's room. She came to check in on me and violently woke me up because she thought I pooped in the bed. Now my entire family knows I fart in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 127

You deserved it 391

Threat Neutralized

By Anonymous - 23/07/2018 18:36 - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I farted so loudly in my sleep that it woke myself, my husband, and our cat. The cat let me know he was startled by clawing and biting the perceived threat, my bum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 316

You deserved it 731

By theydidsmellitthough - 08/02/2013 21:59 - Israel - Netanya

Today, I was playing Slender, when I caught a glimpse of the Slenderman. I jumped in my chair, letting rip a huge fart in the process. Nobody heard it, but only because my shrieks of terror drowned out the sound. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 194

You deserved it 9 400

By Anonymous - 17/07/2015 17:14 - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I felt some serious gas building up while at the supermarket. I tried to quietly fart it out, only to end up sharting myself. I had to frantically waddle out of the store as discreetly as possible as several people in the vicinity freaked out and tried to locate the source of the smell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 582

You deserved it 4 364

Mambo number 6

By n/a - 25/11/2009 07:36 - United States

Today, I was working at a children's play centre, and my stomach was twisting and turning. Thinking no one was around, I let out a small fart, only to turn and see a little girl running to her mom, yelling, "Mommy! Mommy! That lady just farted and it sounded like daddy!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 127

You deserved it 27 549

Surprise!

By Anonymous - 12/10/2022 02:00

Today, at nine months pregnant, I stopped at a truckstop to use the restroom. I opened an unlocked stall door and stood face to face with a woman bent over wiping. She let out a scream so blood-curdlingly loud, that I wet myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 875

You deserved it 126

Single shot

By irulan - 14/01/2020 03:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I farted so loudly in bed and I woke up my husband. Startled, he thought that someone was entered in our room and fired a shot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 540

You deserved it 600

Ouch!

By P0wned - 29/09/2009 21:21 - France

Today, in the middle of the night, I was punched in the face by my frightened girlfriend, who had just been awoken by her own fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 983

You deserved it 5 275

chuchusheep 19

Monday 21 September 2015 22:33

this is, hands down, the best FML i have ever read. so awesome.

randomname98 22

Monday 21 September 2015 22:32

At least you have a built in defense system!

Comments

dani07april06 3

Tuesday 22 September 2015 7:37

thats actuallu awesome

MVPK2010 13

Tuesday 22 September 2015 9:31

That is the coolest safety alarm ever!!!! I think it's great!!

fridgeslyr 7

Tuesday 22 September 2015 9:32

Farts of justice!

moo77_fml 20

Tuesday 22 September 2015 10:07

Ha ha ha... That is hilarious.. You are a walking farting intruder alarm LOL

azmoo_85 14

Tuesday 22 September 2015 10:08

best FML ever! made my day

scarygurl 8

Tuesday 22 September 2015 11:14

was this on the news? I remember a presenter saying that someone scared off a neighbours prowler

cielinwonderland 7

Tuesday 22 September 2015 11:33

that is actually amazing. Don't be ashamed.

monkeyxD 19

Tuesday 22 September 2015 13:55

When I was pregnant, I was nonstop farting. I got luckier and unluckier though. Mine were silent but deadly.

CowboyBebop_fml 13

Tuesday 22 September 2015 17:14

Nice one OP! Using those powers for protection!

shutupmeg20 8

Tuesday 22 September 2015 18:29

Great job!

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The Top

Today, I was working Customer Service at Walmart. An elderly lady came to my register to return a pair of white pants. I asked her what was wrong with them and she replied, "Even when I had underwear on you could still see my pubic hair." The pants had hair on them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 457

You deserved it 3 279

Today, my Facebook was hacked. The hacker messaged all my online friends, explaining that "I" was overseas, had run out of money and needed help. Not one person cared enough to respond. I guess the hacker picked the wrong target. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 397

You deserved it 5 121

The Top

Today, while working in my pharmacy, a patient told me that he sometimes wants to jump the counter and skin me alive. He has no more refills, and his doctor is out of town for the week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 443

You deserved it 2 115

Today, I wore my high school letterman jacket while I was out shopping. A man saw me and muttered to his wife about how sad it is some adults can't grow up and continue to wear their high school paraphernalia, constantly trying to relive their senior year. I am a senior. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 827

You deserved it 3 011

Today, my mom caught me absentmindedly staring at my puppy's butthole. She'd also been standing there for 5 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 556

You deserved it 1 981

Today, a woman slipped on the ice in front of me. Instinctively, I caught her before she fell. Instead of thanking me, she whirled around and asked me if my *expletive* mother had taught me to grope women inappropriately. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 507

You deserved it 2 734

Today, it's my mom's birthday. Got the perfect gift, the perfect card and of course the perfect cake. Well, it was the perfect cake until my dog's ass crushed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 950

You deserved it 4 477

Today, at my job as a sailing instructor, I had to stop kids from getting their asses sucked by a pool filter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 637

You deserved it 663