...or is she!!!! ;)

not yet anyways. soon though. it's all part of their master.

She doesn't deserve compassion. If she's not mature enough to realise that this is something she'll have to factor into every aspect of her life, well she really isn't mature enough to have a kid in the first place.

You're on a bit of an anti-single mums crusade huh, fwongraven? Depending on the people and the type of the relationship, people might want to keep things private for a long time. Probably not the best way for the OPs gf to go about it but if it's an issue for him he can politely say so or say he needs time to think without it really having much of an effect. If he doesn't mind, again, not an issue. It probably depends on whether or not you enjoy drama if you would make a big deal of this.

No, I'm on an anti-selfishness crusade. I'm sure there are plenty of single mothers who would figure that any new partners had a right to know from the off exactly what situation they were getting into.

Getting into? He hasn't gotten into anything. If he has a problem with it, he can say so, and they break up. If he doesn't, not an issue, and certainly less than an issue than it would have been if she told him at the start when he wasn't sure about his feelings about her. No big deal. Some people are just private about their lives and perhaps they weren't dating seriously.

Twinklestar, she should have let him know way before 6 months in. Now, when he breaks it off, she can pull a, "You never REALLY liked me," type of argument. Which is wrong. She manipulated the situation by not telling him she had a child and then not telling him he was meeting her child. She never took his feelings on the subject into account. That's wrong, no matter how you look at it, I'm sorry. I know it's hard being a single mom, but I have a friend who always tells guys up front, and they have no problem dating her. She also tells them that they can't meet him till she is ready. I understand not letting a guy meet your child, but not telling him, period? The fact is, does a single mom REALLY want a guy who wont want her kid? You run that risk when you omit those small details. Im not saying I would break up with some guy if he had a kid, but I guarantee you his ass would be on the curb if he didn't tell me about it up front.

Who argues with break ups? My guess is she isn't 12 if she has a 3 year old... How did she manipulate him? He was dating her and not having anything to do with her kid. She didn't manipulate him into doing anything. Now he just has a better idea if he wants to have a relationship regardless. Your friend isn't everyone. If he doesn't want anything to do with her kid, obviously they'll break up. It could always be the result of rape and a very sensitive subject she didn't want to share with anyone till she knew them well enough. Not the best way to tell him with her kid present like I said, but it doesn't really effect him in any way.

How does it not effect him? He also put 6 months into a person. I'm assuming that if he put that much time in, he actually liked her. A kid can, to some people, be a dealbreaker. So, after you have felt like you got to know someone, they suddenly bring in a child that could completely change the situation. I may have only used one friend as an example, but every single mother that I am friends with, and there are quite a few, is completely up front and proud of their child. My mom was a single mother for a while and she never lied to anyone about having two children. Why would she? Lying by omitting is still lying. I say it's manipulative because had she really wanted the guy to give her a real chance, she would have told him about her child. Im sure there were more than a few times that he would have wanted to go to her place, wouldn't she have had to lie to avoid that? So, it's not just one lie, it's a group of them to cover up the fact that she had a child. Another option is: Because he's invested so much time, he decides to see where it goes. Somewhere down the line, he realizes that he really can't deal with that kind of responsibility and he breaks both their hearts. There really can't be any true trust in a relationship that starts out with such huge lies.

I agree with Twinklestar. The mom was just protecting the child. The whole bringing the kid to a date was just a test to see if the guy really liked her. (Not sure if that's what Twinklestar meant, but it's at least parallel.) I'd day FYL OP because he failed the test, and is now looking for pity. Thus he posted on here. If he really did like her, it wouldn't matter if she had a kid or not. I'm assuming the guy is 26 as per the 26 in his name, if he's a teenager, then it is an FML because to stay with the girl he'd have to basically throw away his youth for maturity. I don't know about anyone else, but 6 months isn't really serious dating yet. In six months you can barely know someone. It seems to me the mom was trying to make it more serious, by finally introducing the guy to her family.

Relationships aren't investments. Just because someone spends a certain amount of time with you doesn't mean you have any obligation. There are plenty of things that could be deal breakers for someone that they might not find out until this point. And while some of those things might usually be deal breakers, after 6 months of getting to know that person better than you otherwise would have you might change your mind about it being a deal breaker and decide it's worth it, where as if they'd told them first off they wouldn't have had the chance to get to know them as well as they did. Being unsure about a new partners reaction to kids in general has nothing to do with being proud of your child or not. Not mentioning something isn't lying by omitting. There are plenty of things that commonly don't come up in the first months of a relationship that are a big deal to people, and just because they haven't mentioned them doesn't mean they've lied by omission. He could have decided in the beginning to see where it goes also, and found it didn't work and broken both their hearts. It's far more likely however that after 6 months at least he has a far better idea of how it's going to work, seeing as he knows her much better.

Oh, Kara, honey...you just proved a point I made. Suddenly, he doesn't REALLY like her because if he did, he wouldn't care if she had a child? That's just not how it works. At 26, he still should not have to shoulder the responsibility of a child if he doesn't want to. At any age, you shouldn't have to, if you don't want to. It has nothing to do with not liking her, and everything to do with the responsibility it entails. Also, if he breaks up with her, it could be because he doesn't like being lied to. As many people have said, if she can hide something this big, what else isn't she telling him? I would absolutely break up with someone for that. How can you ever trust someone who can lie like that?

Who said anything about him caring for her child?? Not Kara, not the OP and presumably not the OPs gf if he didn't mention this in the FML. No one's asking him to shoulder any responsibility. Obviously if it's gotten to 6 months without him knowing she has a kid she has enough help in raising her child. And again, you have no idea that she lied.

Not at all, you're just being close-minded and twisting things to your logic. If he really does like her, then he will keep dating her. Just because you date someone with a kid doesn't mean you have to shoulder the responsibility of their kid. They managed before you, they can manage without you. You'd only have to be involved if you wanted to, in which case the relationship would get even more serious. See, you're assuming he really does care about her. Which I'm assuming he isn't. If he was he would at least try, and not just whine about it online.

Getting into a serious relationship with someone with a child does bring on a new responsibility. Especially if you are a part of that child's life. It's a big choice to make to get involved with someone with a child. Hell, my dad's wives/girlfriends had to deal with him having kids, and it definitely put more on them. My stepdad already had kids of his own, so it kind of fit well. Doesn't mean that he didn't have to take on extra responsibility because my mom was already taking care of us by herself. If you know something could potentially be a problem (such as having a child) and you choose not to tell someone that you are dating, that is lying by omission. Having a child is much different than little things couples havent discovered about each other yet. It's ridiculous to compare "Oh hey! I have a 3 year old child!" to "Oh, btw, my parents are divorced and I have 6 toes."

Kara, just because he is upset about it doesn't mean he didn't care. He could care about her, and the fact that she didn't tell him something like that for 6 months is unforgiveable. You may not think 6 months is anything serious, but at 26...thats a substantial amount of your time to give up for one person. He calls her his girlfriend, which means he felt they were serious. Sorry, I don't just call anybody my boyfriend. I also don't keep someone around for 6 months that I'm not too serious about. Why would you waste your time like that? If you are exclusively boyfriend/girlfriend...the child should have come up.

She has avoided him meeting her kid entirely up until now. There's no reason for you to say that just because she decided to tell him now that she expects anything from him, or for him to see her child any more than he has in the previous 6 months. It's 6 months. I don't think they're talking about getting married like your step dad... And what your dad chooses to expect of his gfs and wives(I'm guessing he's not the best relationship man in the first place if he has had numerous wives and gfs since you were born at any rate) isn't indicative of what any other single parent would do, especially one who clearly has enough help to have time to herself. There are 100s of things that could potentially cause problems for someone, or be a deal breaker for them that you might not be comfortable, for whatever reason, sharing at the beginning of a relationship. So long as it's not something that could harm the other person (STDs for example) there is no duty to tell them until you feel comfortable. It is not lying by omission not to tell them. Perhaps you need to look up the definition of "lying by omission". Having a kid might be different to trivial things like that, but it's not that different to having a strong religious belief you won't give up and will expect any children you have in the future to practice, or your wife/husband to convert to, or having a questionable history you're not proud of that was a big part of your life, or having spent time in prison, etc, etc. It's not lying not to mention them, and mentioning them later means the other person has a better idea of how much it matters to them.

And I guess to me, all of those things you mentioned are something I'd want to know up front. My bf knew my religion, my questionable history, knew the issues I had with past ex's, etc, etc. All of those things make up who I am as a person. In turn, I knew about the religion he grew up with, his ex-wife, issues with past ex's, his criminal past(from a fatal car accident), his history working with MDA camp, etc, etc. As we go, there are definitely still things we learn about each other, but nothing really major. Both of us believed in the beauty of letting the other one know what they were getting into before we got serious. Also, read the other comments. Im not the only one who finds it to be lying or intentionally hiding a child. "Lying by omission One lies by omission by omitting an important fact, deliberately leaving another person with a misconception. Lying by omission includes failures to correct pre-existing misconceptions." I looked it up for you. Personally, I would consider not correcting his misconception that she was childless as lying by omission. If you never tell a person you have a child, how could they assume anything else until you let them know?

idkweird, your problem is that you're just using examples you know, and not stopping to let thoughts in that there are other situations in life than just the ones you've experienced. I'm not 26 yet, not even close, and six months is not a long relationship to me. Especially if the girl had a child. Chances are this is still within the first 10 dates, seeing as how she'd be busy a lot with a job to support the child, and taking care of the child. With a three year old you don't really have that much time to get out. It might just have been a "hey look, this appears to be getting a little serious, so I feel the need to warn you beforehand."

If you'd been in prison, or worked as a prostitute, or been abused as a child, or any of the 100s of etcs, I doubt most people would want to tell their partner that at the start of a relationship. I know a few couples who haven't had the religion discussion until quite late in the relationship despite it being quite important to both of them. Nobody is interested in what you do personally. The fact is many people don't pour out all the things they're partner might possibly not approve of at the start of their relationship. It's not important to their relationship that she has a child. The child obviously isn't a part of it if he isn't expected to spend any time with it. It's not a misconception if he thinks she doesn't have a kid because they've never had that discussion. It's an assumption.

Well, Ive experienced quite an array. I can honestly say that even at date 10, Id be upset. Ok, example. A guy I dated for only a month: He told me the night we met that he was going through a divorce and showed me a picture of his "nephew." 2 days later, he decided to reveal that the "nephew" was really his 10 year old son. Even at that point I was a little annoyed that he had blatantly lied to me about it, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. A week or so later, he mentions that he hasn't actually FILED for divorce, theyre seperated and he's waiting till he's done with certain things before he files. Ok, fine. I knew they weren't living together, so I again, let it go on a little longer. Final straw was the night he proceeded to tell me that his wife wasn't his son's mom and that there was a baby's momma in the mix. it was at that point that one, the responsibility was too much. I had no plans to be a step-mom or deal with ex-wife and baby mama drama at 25. Also, two, he kept hiding things from me, and there's no way I could be with someone who was going to continue with "oh by the way"s. It took another week to finally get rid of him...all the while with him promising to file his divorce if I'd just give him another chance. To be on the other side of someone hiding things like that was the most irritating thing I had ever experienced. Knowing that there were little things that didn't add up. Knowing there were many more things he probably wasn't telling me. As someone who is absolutely open and honest because I want the best chance at being with someone who truly knows and loves me for me, it's hard to accept any reason to hide something that large. Maybe that's close-minded, but I find it disrespectful. It basically says to me, "I don't think you're ready to handle what I have to say, so I won't even tell you right now." It's not giving the other person the benefit of the doubt. And, again, as many have pointed out, I am not the only one who sees it as lying.

You're still doing it. It doesn't matter how much you think you've experienced. You're not everyone else and no one is interested in your little stories, and nor do they prove anything. It's not necessarily a matter of being dishonest. It's a matter of being private, or of having been hurt in the past, or of wanting to be sure about a long but possibly casual until that point relationship first, or of having a sensitive issue like the child being the result of a rape she's too traumatized about to want to explain. If you find it annoying if people don't tell you every thing about themselves immediately, fine, in the OPs situation you would break up. No big deal. If, like a lot of people you're a bit more understanding of people's differing reasons and personalities, and don't have a problem with the child, you keep dating. No big deal, no drama. At any rate, you have a better idea of what you're giving up, or making an exception for when you know that person better.

Yes, but just because a majority of people are close-minded, doesn't make it right. You are now judging the woman harshly due to a bad experience of yours. Like I said. There is no proof the woman lied to the OP more than just this once. She might not have felt comfortable around him enough to introduce the kid or mention it. It also might be an insecurity of hers. From the information given by the OP it is not "I don't think you're ready to handle what I have to say, so I won't even tell you right now." but "I won't tell you right now because I'm not ready to handle you within the situation." Also, FML needs a better comment system. Edit: Twinklestar, I have to go, but kudos to you. It saddens me there's not more people like you in the world.

My short story was in response to Kara. As she was talking about it. I was responding with an example that related to me IN this type of situation. To get some perspective on where I'm coming from. You obviously come across as a person who thinks it's ok to keep things that large to yourself for your own reasons. I'm only offering the other side/opinion. The way I read this story, if she is, in fact, introducing him to her child, that means that if they stayed together, he'd be a larger part in the child's life. Also, the simple fact that she asks, "Does this change things?" shows that she knew it could, and chose not to tell him before that moment. Hey, maybe she was trying to get rid of him. I don't know anyone who would respond with anything but shock if the person they were dating walked in with a kid and asked if it was going to change things. That is essentially giving an ultimatum...and in front of the child so no real discussion can take place. Maybe she didn't have a choice and a babysitter cancelled at the last minute. She could have called ahead to give a warning. Instead, she went for the shock value.

Your short story was in response to Kara saying "your problem is that you're just using examples you know, and not stopping to let thoughts in that there are other situations in life than just the ones you've experienced". I wondered if there was perhaps an error on the site that prevented you from reading something so blatant. If the OP doesn't think it's OK for her to keep things to herself, obviously they'll break up. No big deal. I've already listed a lot of reasons she may have wanted to keep it to herself for so long. The kid is 3 and not going to understand most of what's said. I've already said I don't think it was the best way to do things, but she probably had her reasons. There is nothing to stop the OP politely saying "I'm going to need some time to think about this" or "I'm not sure, can we have a talk a bit later once I've gotten my head around this". And thanks Kara. Same to you.

Maybe what I should point out is that, my experiences are what lead me to believe the way I do. I try to provide them so people understand why I feel the way I do. Past experiences lead us down different paths. Obviously, it sounds as if you've been on the opposite side of the fence. Either way, our experiences are going to lead us to be on the opposite side of this issue no matter what is said. I can see your examples and understand those are reasons why someone might not reveal the information, but because of my experiences, I will still never be able to accept that they were right. It's ok to disagree. Its pretty obvious that neither of us is going to change the other's mind, and thats ok. I just enjoy getting my piece out. Especially when Its something that hits a little close to home for me.

"It's not important to their relationship that she has a child. " Twinklestar: That sentence alone made me not want to read any more of your novel-length entries. I won't bother elaborating because I'm sure you'll make me want to poke my eyes out with your responding diatribe.

Re: #148 - by alexisthename Exactly. I can't blame a guy for not wanting to care for some other guy's kid. Women need to think very, very, very carefully before they decide to get pregnant, because a kid is basically for life. Girls who get pregnant by accident are just stupid, or ignorant because their parents stupidly thought that if they didn't tell their kids about sex, they wouldn't try it. If those stupid parents had bothered to look at nature they'd have figured out that even almost brainless animals can figure out how to have sex. So: if you want* to have sex, go ahead, but use a condom. Every. Single. *******. Time. Then you won't have to get an abortion. For the religious nuts out there: no, abortion is not killing a baby, it's killing a foetus, which happens a lot naturally. And condoms don't break 110% of the time, more like less than 1% of the time, and then usually from improper use. Anything else told to you is a filthy lie. Wanting is something different from ``my friends are all doing it''. Figure it out for yourself. Assume your friends are just bragging, most of them probably are, if you're in high school. Seriously, you don't want to get pregnant when you're fifteen. Srsly.

I'm sort of disturbed that people think it's fine to hide something like that for 6 months. My girlfriend has children, but isn't it selfish to think that it doesn't effect the person you're with? It creates a different situation that a person deserves to consider whether they are okay with or not. It's unfair to wait for half a year, and let them be with you that long, while hiding something. It will make them have a harder time making the decision, because they will already have developed many more feelings, plus it looks bad to do what they want, so it pressures them into making a different decision.

Just a friendly FYI, I'm 18 and got pregnant at 16. not every young parent is stupid, nor is it always said persons fault. Accidents, I'm sorry to say, do happen. And god forbid that because of that accident said person may want to keep it quiet for awhile before seeing if that persons bf or whatever would be able to handle it. If they can, great, of not then that's their loss. Having a kid at a young age just means that that person had to do a lot of growing up in a short period of time and that they are now more mature and ready for the world and whatever hits them. More than the average teenager who is out partying and on drugs or whatever. In my personal opinion, im not trying to be biased, young mothers/parents are more ready for the world and are smarter than the older ones. I say his because the young ones did not really get a chance to enjoy what their childhood hadto offer them, whereas someone who was say 27 has. They have been fun and free living as a teenager without having the extra added stress of parenthood and adulthood heist upon then when they weren't really ready for it all to be shoved at them in one great wave of emotion and pressure. So please, take into consideration what young parents have to go through, not just stress of now knowing that they have a reappnosbility and a life to care for for the rest of their live but also the added force that they can mo longer be children themselves. And before you go on saying that being a parent is only the choice of that person, think of nationality, religion and that persons home life. They might not of had the chance to abort the baby, or give it up for adoption without the added fear of being disowned by their parents or knwing that wth abortiv the fetus that they are taking away an innocent which had done nothing wrong other than be made and not given a chance on life. Ps rape is a very large reason for pragnency, that's how my baby daughter came to be. But nonetheless we are both very happy with the way things turned out for us, and I know that not everyone will have a happy beginjngg like us, but we can only hope. And there is nothing wring with dating someone who has a kid, thank you very much.

Agreed, most women won't bring up the child to see if the relationship is even worth attempting. I would say kudos to the women for waiting, as I would say 6 months is a valid time range. Boo on the person posting this like his 6 month relationship ruined his life. If you really liked her there would be no post, since you were weirded out by it you no longer have a relationship and everyone goes on there merry way...or sort of.

You're all still ignoring the fact the OPs gf never asked or implied that she wanted him to care for, or take any responsibility whatsoever for her child. That is obviously something she does not need help with, and obviously she has enough help and time to herself to continue the relationship without involving her child. You're also ignoring the many other serious issues that often don't come up until later in a relationship, that can be deal breakers for some people. I mean, a lot of people wouldn't like to discuss their thoughts on marriage or having children in the future, and when it comes up in 6 months they might find their conflicting views mean that by your reasoning they've "wasted" those 6 months. And as both Kate and I mentioned, you're ignoring the possible reasons she may have been uncomfortable telling him, such as rape. No, obviously he didn't rape her organisedchaos, but that has nothing to do with her not wanting to talk about a traumatic event early in her relationship. It's pretty selfish to expect someone to trust you completely with things they are that sensitive about so early in a relationship, and it's also pretty selfish to expect time you invest in a relationship should be like some sort of guarantee.

Twinklestar, apparently you and Kate still haven't caught onto the fact that the OP's girlfriend did not tell him she had a child before the relationship ever began. It doesn't matter if she did or did not think of him as fatherhood material. She should have come clean about her son before the relationship started. if she was raped and became pregnant from that, she wouldn't have to tell him that.

In addition, Twinklestar, why would the OP ask HOW his girlfriend became pregnant? He shouldn't have to. All he is surprised by is the fact that his girlfriend has son, when he didn't think she did. As I said before, anyone who keeps a fact like that a secret from someone who obviously cares for them a lot deserves to be dumped and left alone.

I'm pretty sure my post is all about the fact the OP didn't tell him before the relationship, and the reasons she might have had. Of course someone is going to ask about how she became pregnant and what relations she currently has with the father. L2read idiot.

First off, Twinklestar, you're the idiot - you forgot that the OP is the guy who found out his girlfriend basically lied to him for 6 months, not the girl. Second, who's to say she was raped to begin with? A majority of pregnancies don't involve rape. Again, the OP doesn't have to ask HOW she got pregnant, only if the father is still involved in her and her son's life. Really, I don't see how you and others can defend this girl. If you were to go through this same exact scenario with your boyfriend, how would you feel? It doesn't matter that she's a single mother... what matters is in the fact that she didn't trust him enough to tell him when they first met - if she had come clean about her son from the very beginning, this would not have happened in the first place.

I agree with chaos. It's not the guys fault, and he should dump her for being a liar about such an important thing.

I didn't, at any point, imply the girl found out her partner had lied to her for 6 months. I'm can't even guess at how you managed to read that into my comments, but that is some pretty awful reading comprehension. I didn't say she was raped. I said it was a possibility and an example of why she might not want to talk about the circumstances that resulted in her getting pregnant. It could have been incest, or the father could have died and it might be a sore subject for her. The OP doesn't have to ask, no, but almost anyone would ask the person they were in a relationship would about their current relationship with the guy who fathered her child. I don't really see how you and others can be so rude about someone when you have no idea about the situation or her side of the story. It just makes you come across as being a very hateful and judgmental person.

Wow. I just realized everyone is calling me Kate. :/ My name is not Kate, nor am I a female.

It stands for International House of Pancakes, but since you haven't heard of it in Australia I guess it's not all that "International" after all.

Not in Canada either

I guess IHOP is definitely a misnomer, then...

that one made me laugh hard