Intimacy: Today, I woke up after having had sex with my 4-year crush expecting...

By acw2110 - 20/02/2009 23:25 - United States

Today, I woke up after having had sex with my 4-year crush expecting to find him in bed next to me. Instead, I found my cell phone with a text message from him that said "you should really do something about the pimples on your ass." FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 710

You deserved it 12 049

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Same thing different taste

By Anonymous - 20/11/2015 19:48 - United States

Today, I woke up next to my boyfriend. He gazed at me, stroked my cheek, and said, "Christ, you really need something for this acne." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 226

You deserved it 2 537

By Anonymous - 02/09/2017 00:00 - United States

Today, when I was done masturbating to the thought of my crush I noticed my phone was lit up. I turned it over and stared in horror as I saw a call connected to him. I had been loudly moaning his name. I guess I hit his speed dial when I was setting my phone down. He was definitely still on the line. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 862

You deserved it 4 045

By DDD - 31/01/2009 15:04 - France

Today, I had sex with a guy. As he was sleeping next to me, I checked his Facebook messages and saw that he sent a message to one of his buddies, asking what kind of lotion helps get rid of crabs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 392

You deserved it 66 780

Catching up

By Anonymous - 13/08/2020 23:01

Today, I got a message from my crush, with whom I had a one night stand with a few months ago. I was really surprised and excited to see his name pop up on my phone. Turns out, he only messaged me to accuse me of giving him mono, and then he blocked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 482

You deserved it 270

Check this out

By Anonymous - 19/12/2010 05:24 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me into the bathroom after he had been in there a while. I found him with his pants down, looking at a pimple on his butt in the mirror. He asked me for, "Help." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 873

You deserved it 4 544

By >{%£•¥ - 27/11/2010 07:08 - United States

Today, right before my boyfriend and I were about to have sex, he touched his butt and says, "Oh I have a butt pimple." He then went and popped it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 071

You deserved it 4 155

Great expectations

By Anonymous - 23/10/2020 08:08 - United Kingdom - London

Today, after making love to my boyfriend, I went upstairs to shower. After turning it on, I found a huge pimple on my leg and the prospect of popping it excited me more than my boyfriend ever had in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 140

You deserved it 392

By ugh - 28/04/2009 21:49 - Canada

Today, I texted my crush that I can't come over and invited him over instead. I was so anxious for his reply I took my cell to the washroom with me. Just as I was pulling up my pants I heard something fall into the bowl, I turned around and watched my cell floating in the my own pee, vibrating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 974

You deserved it 57 469

By Whatever479 - 17/02/2011 17:29 - Ireland

Today, I woke up to a text from my boyfriend asking if I'd Skype with him. Thinking he'd find my tousled bed hair and big t-shirt sexy, I went on. The first thing he noticed was the massive booger on my face that stretched from my nose to the other side of my cheek. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 735

You deserved it 37 715

By SterlingSilver91 - 03/09/2011 23:49 - Canada

Today, I woke up to a text from a girl I had slept with two nights ago. It read, "Please don't get mad if you notice a rash on your private parts. Sorry in advance." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 184

You deserved it 42 725

Crackandcheese 0

Saturday 21 February 2009 6:30

If he pays that much attention to your ass? You may have a secret Butt Pirate on your hands, dude.

Kat_MS 0

Saturday 21 February 2009 8:25

#7 How do you correlate pimples with being fat? Sorry I don't see the connection.

Comments

jdawg2010 0

Monday 12 September 2011 20:11

...the first time i read this, it looked like it said " i had sex with my four yearold crush....." i was like.. the hell?

Juno88 0

Saturday 12 November 2011 16:33

Omfg, i read this as 'after having sex with my 4-year-old crush' thank ******* god i was wrong.. ****

liverbum 0

Friday 30 December 2011 1:56

Ouch .. What a d-bag.. Forget him

Showtime00 0

Friday 17 February 2012 7:21

damn dude your a total **** munch

prego_05112012 10

Monday 19 March 2012 2:58

Here's an idea....don't have sex with people that you aren't actually in a relationship with.

fuzz97 23

Monday 15 April 2013 7:59

yeah, you really should

DessaChan 9

Monday 12 August 2013 20:09

Pimples on your ass? Are you sure they are pimples?

mea_iloveskiing 26

Monday 17 March 2014 18:12

I read four year old

EllsieBelsie 7

Monday 21 April 2014 20:10

dont worry, i have the same problem

worldclassrager 39

Wednesday 1 October 2014 11:28

NEVER READ THESE OVER BREAKFAST I NEED TO KEEP THAT IN MIND Memories from metal gear awesome

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The Top

Today, as I exited McDonald's after a quick lunch, a man in a jogging outfit ran past, snatching my handbag right off my shoulder as he tore past. He must have been at least 50. I broke down utterly exhausted before I could chase him even a single block. I'm 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 149

You deserved it 39 590

Today, my parents were helping me construct my bed. We ended up not having enough screws to properly secure the frame. My dad mentioned that it might cause problems if I got a girl into my bed. My mom said, "Don't worry about it, we all know that's not going to happen." FML

I agree, your life sucks 104 596

You deserved it 9 210

The Top

Today, I shared an elevator alone with an attractive co-worker. On our way up, she let out a loud, noxious rip. She covered her nose and mouth while giving me an accusing look, as I said with a straight face, "Excuse you." Later, I received a note from HR for harassment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 631

You deserved it 278

Today, I couldn't leave my room because my dad was having a foursome in the living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 452

You deserved it 147

Today, my dog decided to play with a skunk. Today is also the day I figured out that no matter how much you wash everything that's come in contact with the smell, it will never go away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 348

You deserved it 148

Today, I went to a real Japanese restaurant with my sister and mom, where you had to take off your shoes and sit on the floor. After the meal, I realized my shoes were no longer where I put them. For the seven years the restaurant has been open, I'm the first person to get their shoes stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 308

You deserved it 3 613

Today, I'm severely hungover. Upon returning home, I came to find that both of the elevators were out of order. I live on the 12th floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 222

You deserved it 36 435

Today, it transpired that my mom has been spending her stint in prison trying to play matchmaker for me, going so far as to call one of her finds, "good breeding stock". Apparently, I don't already have enough criminals in my life; last September I was the only member of my family of 5 not locked up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 973

You deserved it 3 114

Same thing different taste

Catching up

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Great expectations

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