Intimacy: Today, I woke up screaming like a little bitch. I'd been having...

By Anonymous - 11/06/2014 22:20 - United States - Barnhart

Today, I woke up screaming like a little bitch. I'd been having a bizarre dream where I was having sex with Homer Simpson, when he suddenly had a heart attack and fell on me, crushing me to death. I think my brain needs a douching. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 632

You deserved it 8 171

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Family meals that turn absurd, because Thanksgiving is also about laughing at little disasters. More…

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Same thing different taste

By margelover - 11/10/2011 19:06 - Denmark

Today, I woke up after having a wet dream about Marge Simpson. I really need to get laid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 132

You deserved it 9 045

By Anonymous - 21/11/2015 10:03 - United States - Norwalk

Today, I was house-sitting for my friend. He was late to return and I ended up falling asleep on the couch and having a dream where I violently shat myself and suddenly developed a six-pack. When I woke up, I found the dream was half true. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 044

You deserved it 2 323

By Anonymous - 10/07/2012 10:03 - United States

Today, I had this amazing dream that a beautiful girl was giving me head. It was getting really hot, so in my dream, I reached down to push on her head, but in real life I actually swung my arm down and punched myself in the balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 874

You deserved it 41 383

Poor pillow

By Randy Candy - 12/02/2021 17:01 - United States

Today, I was having a fantastic sex dream. So good, in fact, that I woke myself up breathing heavily and humping my pillow. I was at my friend's house and she saw everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 303

You deserved it 278

By AwkwardMoments - 26/01/2017 14:00

Today, while napping on the couch, I had a very vivid dream about a girl I like. I woke up to my mother and father choking back laughter and recording me on their phones. I don't know what's worse: waking up with a boner in front of my parents or finding out I was also talking dirty in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 967

You deserved it 712

Night terrors

By Anonymous - 25/09/2015 20:14 - Germany

Today, I brutally stabbed a guy to death for smiling at me, then puked and fainted. Then I woke up in bed, panicking, sweating like a pig and crying because I thought my dream was real and I was going to go to prison. I'm never taking sleeping medication again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 567

You deserved it 2 516

By Anonymous - 17/01/2016 18:41 - United States - Valparaiso

Today, I was having a wet dream and had a pretty vivid imagination. I ended up thrusting so hard that it showed up in reality. I literally humped so hard that I woke myself up. Not only that, but I was sleeping on the living room floor so my roommates saw and now it's their joke of the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 710

You deserved it 3 993

By Dead_Fox - 21/11/2012 05:48 - United States - Jonesboro

Today, I had a sex dream, which I interrupted by having an OCD-induced panic attack because apparently we weren't using protection. My brain won't even let me enjoy the fantasy action I get in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 876

You deserved it 3 889

By urgg - 05/09/2010 14:20 - United States

Today, I woke up from a dream in which I had a penis. Apparently I talk in my sleep, because my boyfriend kept staring at my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 915

You deserved it 5 025

By Anonymous - 07/06/2012 17:41 - United States - Oregon City

Today, I woke up from a sexy dream about my boyfriend. Too bad I'd fallen asleep in my living room with my whole family over, grandma included. They were all staring. I'd been sleep humping and moaning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 191

You deserved it 6 723

Paco_el_Taco 17

Thursday 12 June 2014 5:47

Doh!

livinginabook 24

Thursday 12 June 2014 5:47

Your mind scares me...

Comments

Mattster5401 1

Thursday 12 June 2014 6:09

What does Op mean guys

Lacalema 21

Thursday 12 June 2014 9:38

Orange pancakes

Waspinator1998 21

Thursday 12 June 2014 10:55

Outstanding Pothead

Brandi_Faith 33

Thursday 12 June 2014 12:47

It means "original poster" as in the one who created the FML. Although sometimes with what they write "outstanding pothead" could very well fit.

paigexox0 37

Thursday 12 June 2014 14:43

Dont listen to Brandi, original poster is definitely not what OP means. It is in fact outstanding pothead.

BreathingClover 19

Thursday 12 June 2014 21:28

original poster. like my comment ;)

worldclassrager 39

Friday 13 June 2014 22:01

How about dislike

JustSterling 5

Thursday 12 June 2014 6:10

This is not an FML.

Martinez0285 28

Thursday 12 June 2014 6:49

Still a better love story then twilight ... Whamp whamp

johbstonjacob 8

Thursday 12 June 2014 6:51

Stop watching The Simpsons...

therealjc_fml 14

Thursday 12 June 2014 6:55

If that happens to me now after reading this imma be pissed!

SaintJupiter 16

Thursday 12 June 2014 6:59

For those of you who don't know: Douching means to basically clean out completely.

WinterBlue42 22

Thursday 12 June 2014 8:00

I believe the OP might need more than just a douching to get that image out of her head.

BreathingClover 19

Thursday 12 June 2014 21:29

sounds hard to do... lol

TerraShadow 18

Thursday 12 June 2014 7:03

I have to say this...... You are average.

PotatoPal 11

Thursday 12 June 2014 7:09

The wording of this FML is fantastic.

Nessco 36

Thursday 12 June 2014 7:37

Sounds like you watch way too much TV.

Ziggy122 15

Thursday 12 June 2014 7:49

Fell asleep with the TV on?

Keywords

Awkward Miscellaneous Embarrassing Work Sleep Dating Love Annoying Am I overreacting? Parents Health Mental health Furniture Kids Gross Friends Public freakouts Fight Cops Drugs Neighbours Medication Relatable Dogs Animals Teenagers Gamers Ironic Video games Job interview

The Top

Today, I had to quickly back out of a Skype call between me and three coworkers because my fiancée came home from work in tears. When things had calmed down, I re-entered the call to find them unaware I had returned, saying how glad they were I had left because they all secretly despise me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 875

You deserved it 2 095

Today, at work, I handed an old man his drink, and our fingers accidentally brushed. He gave me a creepy wink and a smile, but I ignored it. He's now been sitting in the store for two hours watching me. Only four hours to go until I get off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 829

You deserved it 2 483

The Top

Today, I went on a blind date that my friend set up at a coffee shop. I arrived early, feeling nervous but excited. As I sat waiting, I noticed a person waving at me from across the room. I smiled and waved back, only to realize that they were actually waving at someone behind me. My date never showed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 874

You deserved it 123

Today, a client came in to pay for her storage unit, and like every other time she comes in, she lifted up her shirt and practically showed me her boobs. This lady is in her 70s and is morbidly obese. Oh, and she also told me that the Nazis had the right idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 951

You deserved it 111

Today, I found out I wasn't cool enough to be invited to a college party that happened last night. The one in charge of inviting people was my girlfriend of two years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 270

You deserved it 2 112

Today, the last few seconds of my 2011 was spent staring at my drunk, naked uncle pouring olive oil over himself and rubbing it in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 766

You deserved it 3 522

Today, my dad bought me a new laptop for my birthday. That's because he wants to use my old laptop for work, which is more expensive, has better specs, runs faster, and has a wider screen than my new computer. I just got a downgraded laptop as my birthday present. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 493

You deserved it 3 718

Today, my roommate used my PC without asking. Long story short, it's now infected with ransomware. The dissertation I've been working on for months is now encrypted, along with all the backups on my second hard drive. Now I have to pay the hackers $1,500 to get the decryption key. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 476

You deserved it 2 126

Same thing different taste

Poor pillow

Night terrors

Top comments

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