Intimacy: Today, I woke up to a hand rubbing my very erect penis, and a...

By Ohshit - 17/05/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, I woke up to a hand rubbing my very erect penis, and a woman's peppermint breath in my ear. "Mom?" I called out instinctively, recalling how she always smells like peppermint. The hand stopped rubbing, and I turned to face my very disgusted looking girlfriend of three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 404

You deserved it 92 791

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Same thing different taste

False alarm

By dirtyhands - 18/02/2009 23:01 - United States

Today, I was masturbating on my inflatable air mattress that squeaks when you move. Suddenly, my mom burst into my room to ask if I was okay because she thought the squeaking was me crying. I ripped my hands from my pants and turned on my side; she walked over and grabbed my hands to console me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 529

You deserved it 62 912

By notsohandy - 03/01/2014 22:08 - Denmark - Hadsten

Today, I woke up to my girlfriend masturbating beside me. I asked if she needed a hand. She called me a pervert and now won't speak to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 947

You deserved it 8 126

By TwiceDaily,Kids - 06/04/2012 00:41 - United States

Today, my girlfriend got pissed when I told her she needed to brush her teeth more than once a day. I could smell her breath from across the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 926

You deserved it 5 123

Freudian intensifies

By mouthwash - 11/11/2014 05:05 - United States - Gallipolis

Today, I had a dream where I was cuddling with a girl. She rolled over to face me, snuggled up into the crook of my neck, then muttered in disgust, "Ugh, your breath stinks!" Cock-blocked in my own dreams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 744

You deserved it 4 612

By Harry Dare - 02/09/2011 16:31 - United Kingdom

Today, just after waking up, I caught a glimpse of my girlfriend in the mirror. Not knowing I was awake, she sniffed at her armpits, started gagging, then quietly came back to bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 993

You deserved it 4 322

By hotboxed - 13/07/2019 18:30

Today, while we were sleeping, my girlfriend and I rolled to opposite sides of the bed. When I woke up, I moved closer and wrapped my arm around her. Her response was to fart in her sleep, resulting in a smell so noxious that I had no choice but to roll back to the other side. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 611

You deserved it 393

By bootyislife - 03/02/2015 04:36 - United States - Seattle

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to give me a naked massage. She straddled my back and started rubbing, then she sneezed and peed on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 259

You deserved it 4 987

By Big Baby - 28/01/2017 00:00

Today, I was awoken by my wife patting my head and talking in her sleep, asking, "Who is this? Who am I touching?" She then rolled over and farted on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 455

You deserved it 809

By PerfectBoyfriend - 07/06/2016 16:38 - Belgium - Reet

Today, my girlfriend got pissed because she thought she heard me masturbating in the bathroom. I was brushing my teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 397

You deserved it 1 914

At least it wasn't rotting coconut?

By Getmeoutofhere - 10/08/2017 17:15 - Australia

Today, I was masturbating when my dad came into my room to say goodnight. He leaned down over my bed, paused, and said, "What's that smell? It's like... oh." His face dropped and he left the room. I don't think he'll ever see me the same way again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 554

You deserved it 1 155

dmipotc 0

Sunday 17 May 2009 12:07

how often does your mom rub your "very erect penis"? ur instinctive reaction freaks me out

youaresofucked 0

Sunday 17 May 2009 12:06

OOOOHHH NO!

Comments

youaresofucked 0

Sunday 17 May 2009 12:06

OOOOHHH NO!

chromeLegend 0

Wednesday 7 April 2010 20:36

muddafukka

roobz_fml 0

Tuesday 4 May 2010 10:22

sounds like someone was harrassed when he was younger...

Aero_boy 4

Monday 9 August 2010 17:53

"recalling how she smelled like peppermint" yeah, sure. xD.

TheWhiteDemon 0

Thursday 19 August 2010 4:03

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

yoyoforpeace 14

Friday 3 August 2012 14:19

I would've said, "yes sweetie?" heh heh

TwistedDaydream 0

Sunday 17 May 2009 12:06

x_x Argh. You weren't too careful there were you?

novakman 0

Tuesday 23 February 2010 15:23

brutal

llScarlFacell 0

Tuesday 30 March 2010 2:35

Meh, no biggie. I say all sorts of stupid things when I just wake up. One time I got up and after comming to some sense my mom told me I had just said, " Pensylvania. I got the bling bling baby. "