Intimacy: Today, I woke up to a hand rubbing my very erect penis, and a...

By Ohshit - 17/05/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, I woke up to a hand rubbing my very erect penis, and a woman's peppermint breath in my ear. "Mom?" I called out instinctively, recalling how she always smells like peppermint. The hand stopped rubbing, and I turned to face my very disgusted looking girlfriend of three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 406

You deserved it 92 793

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Same thing different taste

False alarm

By dirtyhands - 18/02/2009 23:01 - United States

Today, I was masturbating on my inflatable air mattress that squeaks when you move. Suddenly, my mom burst into my room to ask if I was okay because she thought the squeaking was me crying. I ripped my hands from my pants and turned on my side; she walked over and grabbed my hands to console me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 529

You deserved it 62 912

By notsohandy - 03/01/2014 22:08 - Denmark - Hadsten

Today, I woke up to my girlfriend masturbating beside me. I asked if she needed a hand. She called me a pervert and now won't speak to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 949

You deserved it 8 126

By TwiceDaily,Kids - 06/04/2012 00:41 - United States

Today, my girlfriend got pissed when I told her she needed to brush her teeth more than once a day. I could smell her breath from across the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 931

You deserved it 5 124

Freudian intensifies

By mouthwash - 11/11/2014 05:05 - United States - Gallipolis

Today, I had a dream where I was cuddling with a girl. She rolled over to face me, snuggled up into the crook of my neck, then muttered in disgust, "Ugh, your breath stinks!" Cock-blocked in my own dreams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 744

You deserved it 4 612

By Harry Dare - 02/09/2011 16:31 - United Kingdom

Today, just after waking up, I caught a glimpse of my girlfriend in the mirror. Not knowing I was awake, she sniffed at her armpits, started gagging, then quietly came back to bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 993

You deserved it 4 322

By hotboxed - 13/07/2019 18:30

Today, while we were sleeping, my girlfriend and I rolled to opposite sides of the bed. When I woke up, I moved closer and wrapped my arm around her. Her response was to fart in her sleep, resulting in a smell so noxious that I had no choice but to roll back to the other side. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 611

You deserved it 393

By bootyislife - 03/02/2015 04:36 - United States - Seattle

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to give me a naked massage. She straddled my back and started rubbing, then she sneezed and peed on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 261

You deserved it 4 987

By Big Baby - 28/01/2017 00:00

Today, I was awoken by my wife patting my head and talking in her sleep, asking, "Who is this? Who am I touching?" She then rolled over and farted on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 455

You deserved it 809

By PerfectBoyfriend - 07/06/2016 16:38 - Belgium - Reet

Today, my girlfriend got pissed because she thought she heard me masturbating in the bathroom. I was brushing my teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 398

You deserved it 1 914

At least it wasn't rotting coconut?

By Getmeoutofhere - 10/08/2017 17:15 - Australia

Today, I was masturbating when my dad came into my room to say goodnight. He leaned down over my bed, paused, and said, "What's that smell? It's like... oh." His face dropped and he left the room. I don't think he'll ever see me the same way again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 557

You deserved it 1 155

dmipotc 0

Sunday 17 May 2009 12:07

how often does your mom rub your "very erect penis"? ur instinctive reaction freaks me out

youaresofucked 0

Sunday 17 May 2009 12:06

OOOOHHH NO!

Comments

BurnedByLove 0

Tuesday 19 May 2009 1:36

Instinctive? What...the...hell...."Something is rubbing my dick, probably my mom!"

x3xmandamoox3x 0

Tuesday 19 May 2009 3:02

thats so awkward hahahahah fyl.

nowayinhelle 0

Tuesday 19 May 2009 4:29

Maybe.... he was okay with the rubbing cause he knew it was his gf but then he could smell peppermint and wondered maybe if his mum was there too? :p

alyse0_fml 0

Tuesday 19 May 2009 4:30

Oh man.... AWKWARD..... hahaha but so funny

thegoodlifeNOT 0

Tuesday 19 May 2009 4:41

I just threw up.

wrift 0

Tuesday 19 May 2009 7:14

omg hahaha

EziyaMinamoto 0

Tuesday 19 May 2009 7:58

Hilarious! Why would your mother give you a hand job? XDD

EVOL 0

Tuesday 19 May 2009 10:10

I agree with #37. She should understand that.

The_Master 0

Tuesday 19 May 2009 16:10

dude...that's just a little too edipal...

rf6mohawk 0

Tuesday 19 May 2009 18:06

thats just creepy 1. why do you know what your mom smells like? 2. why is that the first thing that comes to mind when someone is rubbing your dick?

Keywords

Healthy Lifestyle Poopoo peepee Gross Health Work Christmas Ironic Gamers Holidays Video games Gifts Public freakouts AITA Am I overreacting? Embarrassing Love Racism Miscellaneous Family Toxic Friends Drunk Coworkers Furniture Sex Intimacy Parents Lonely Relatable Kids

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Today, I noticed I spend most of my day translating French, German, and other languages for my boss, as he talks to people overseas. As his assistant I make crap money. If I were promoted to a Translator I’d make a lot more. He won’t promote me. In fact he threatened to fire me if I asked again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 490

You deserved it 104

Today, I was at the gym on the elliptical. Feeling proud of myself for finishing a very intense workout, I looked to my left to see that the maintenance guy fixing the machine next to me had burned more calories testing the machine than I did during my entire workout. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 580

You deserved it 5 576

The Top

Today, a customer gave me hell because a high-spec game he bought wouldn't run on his ancient Windows XP PC. I ended up having to profusely apologize and refund him. Whoever coined the phrase "the customer is always right" should probably be shot, run over by a bus, then shot a few more times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 273

You deserved it 2 029

Today, I set an elaborate alarm system to wake up early. I woke up to the soothing sounds of birds chirping, only to discover that I had accidentally set my ringtone to bird noises instead of an actual alarm. I missed my morning meeting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 186

You deserved it 527

Today, it's our ten-year anniversary, and I thought finally we would break our 10-month dry spell with some action. My husband had dozed off and was snoring even before I could reach the bed after finishing my chores. So much for happily ever after… FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 504

You deserved it 330

Today, I baked a cake for when my mum came home. I did everything I needed to do and put it in the oven, set the timer and went to do some things around the house. When my mum came home, she asked why there was a uncooked cake mix sitting in the oven. I forgot to turn the oven on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 139

You deserved it 9 034

Today, I got new meds for my OCD. If I don't take them at 8 a.m. every morning with a full meal, I won't sleep for 3 days. Goodbye lay ins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 758

You deserved it 180

Today, my husband demanded I delete all my male friends/contacts except family members. All this because I texted one of my male friends, “Happy Birthday! Hope you have a good one.” According to him, “One thing leads to another then next thing you know you both are in bed fucking like rabbits.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 471

You deserved it 289

Same thing different taste

False alarm

Freudian intensifies

At least it wasn't rotting coconut?

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