Intimacy: Today, my girlfriend was spending the day at my place. Later...

By Anonymous - 24/01/2014 00:10 - United States - Birmingham

Today, my girlfriend was spending the day at my place. Later on, I walked in while she was making lunch. She had a jar of mayo in her hand, and I joked, "I have some mayo, but it doesn't come from a jar." She had a bluetooth headset on, and was in a call with her father. 5ML

I agree, your life sucks 46 858

You deserved it 25 871

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Historical anecdotes with a light touch to commemorate with a respectful smile. More…

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Same thing different taste

By Anonymous - 09/01/2012 02:41 - United States

Today, my boyfriend texted me saying he had left a surprise on my driveway. Thinking it was something special, I went outside to look. It was a little bag of mayonnaise packets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 102

You deserved it 3 952

Good old gender stereotypes

By Brian - 05/11/2020 13:59 - Macedonia - Skopje

Today, I couldn't open a jar of mayo and my cousin had to open it for me. She's a 16 year-old girl and I'm a 24 year-old guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 523

You deserved it 805

Back to reality

By Anonymous - 24/12/2012 18:02 - United Kingdom - Saint Neots

Today, as her parents were supposed to be out of town, I stayed over with my girlfriend, and we ended up in bed together. Later on, while poking through the fridge, I heard footsteps, so I said, "Didn't think you'd be walking after that." I closed the fridge and saw her dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 966

You deserved it 28 294

By badtrip - 03/03/2009 03:21 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was packing for her study abroad program. Jokingly, I got her a pack of condoms. She laughed, saying "Oh yeah, I'll definitely need some of those." Later, I showed up to take her to the airport and saw her open suitcase in the kitchen, with the condoms on top. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 298

You deserved it 33 483

Feed me

By Anonymous - 16/04/2011 08:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend called me and asked what I was doing. I replied, "What I'm always doing." She couldn't think of anything besides eating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 635

You deserved it 33 488

By Anonymous - 16/05/2012 20:34 - Netherlands - Kerkrade

Today, I called my boyfriend during his lunch break. He started to place his order at a fast food joint, and trying to be funny, I started moaning sexily after each part of his order. I eventually realised I was on speaker when I heard snickering in the background. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 738

You deserved it 32 281

By that1guy - 14/03/2009 18:25 - United States

Today, my girlfriend, who I've been dating for over a year, was going to Florida for a short trip with a few friends without me since I couldn't get work off. She asked me to put her iPod in her bag for her as she was almost ready to walk out the door. That's when I saw she'd packed 10 condoms with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115 989

You deserved it 6 324

Magpie eyes

By Anonymous - 05/10/2023 16:30

Today, I spent an hour making my favorite work lunches, then portioning them out so I could have them all week. I later came home to a pile of empty containers. My girlfriend said, "Sorry, I got the munchies. Also, can you please do the dishes?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 042

You deserved it 153

By unbelievable208 - 05/08/2009 05:28 - United States

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. It was just me and her. Things began to get heated, and we started doing it on the living room couch. Near the end of it, I whispered in her ear, "Who's your daddy?" I then heard behind me, "I am." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 652

You deserved it 86 720

By a critically injured shitehawk - 25/04/2015 10:34 - United Kingdom - York

Today, I brought my girlfriend home to introduce to my parents. My dad thought it would be hilarious to fill some clear bags full of flour, then pretend he was sampling a cocaine shipment when she arrived. She excused herself very quickly and isn't answering my calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 204

You deserved it 3 020

Crazc 15

Friday 24 January 2014 12:33

Bluetooth or no Bluetooth, thats a stupid-ass joke.

ktiskool 18

Friday 24 January 2014 12:37

You're gonna be getting some Hellman's.

Comments

RrubiksCuber 6

Saturday 25 January 2014 0:49

Thank you for being just about the first person on this website to realize that you're talking about a bluetooth HEADSET, and it's not just called a bluetooth.

koza 8

Saturday 25 January 2014 3:35

That's... not even funny.

btcrusin 11

Saturday 25 January 2014 4:28

Who the hell still uses a Bluetooth?

Defecately 18

Saturday 25 January 2014 20:10

well... i would have laughed...

xzeldax3 18

Sunday 26 January 2014 13:18

5YL, for sure!

DDiddy 12

Sunday 26 January 2014 17:35

Can you update me on this "5" thing? Why the change? What does it mean?

BritneyArmy678 3

Sunday 26 January 2014 22:17

Lame

keymustang 10

Tuesday 28 January 2014 4:21

what's with the 5ml

hexblot 10

Wednesday 29 January 2014 20:18

"It's in the bottle at the top shelf- just in case you need any". Who would ever thing you're stupid enough to actually use that line as a pun anyway?