Intimacy: Today, my girlfriend was spending the day at my place. Later... - FML

By Anonymous - 24/01/2014 00:10 - United States - Birmingham

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend was spending the day at my place. Later on, I walked in while she was making lunch. She had a jar of mayo in her hand, and I joked, "I have some mayo, but it doesn't come from a jar." She had a bluetooth headset on, and was in a call with her father. 5ML

I agree, your life sucks 46 860

You deserved it 25 871

Christmas: Snowy Joys and Blunders
Enjoy Christmas stories where unexpected gifts and family reunions create lasting memories... and fun! More…

Previous FML Next FML

Same thing different taste

That's so lovely!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my boyfriend texted me saying he had left a surprise on my driveway. Thinking it was something special, I went outside to look. It was a little bag of mayonnaise packets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 400

You deserved it 4 033

Good old gender stereotypes

By Brian - 05/11/2020 13:59 - Macedonia - Skopje

Today, I couldn't open a jar of mayo and my cousin had to open it for me. She's a 16 year-old girl and I'm a 24 year-old guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 524

You deserved it 806

Back to reality

By Anonymous - 24/12/2012 18:02 - United Kingdom - Saint Neots

Spicy

Today, as her parents were supposed to be out of town, I stayed over with my girlfriend, and we ended up in bed together. Later on, while poking through the fridge, I heard footsteps, so I said, "Didn't think you'd be walking after that." I closed the fridge and saw her dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 970

You deserved it 28 295

By badtrip - 03/03/2009 03:21 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was packing for her study abroad program. Jokingly, I got her a pack of condoms. She laughed, saying "Oh yeah, I'll definitely need some of those." Later, I showed up to take her to the airport and saw her open suitcase in the kitchen, with the condoms on top. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 300

You deserved it 33 485

Feed me

By Anonymous - 16/04/2011 08:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend called me and asked what I was doing. I replied, "What I'm always doing." She couldn't think of anything besides eating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 635

You deserved it 33 490

By Anonymous - 16/05/2012 20:34 - Netherlands - Kerkrade

Today, I called my boyfriend during his lunch break. He started to place his order at a fast food joint, and trying to be funny, I started moaning sexily after each part of his order. I eventually realised I was on speaker when I heard snickering in the background. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 738

You deserved it 32 283

By that1guy - 14/03/2009 18:25 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend, who I've been dating for over a year, was going to Florida for a short trip with a few friends without me since I couldn't get work off. She asked me to put her iPod in her bag for her as she was almost ready to walk out the door. That's when I saw she'd packed 10 condoms with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115 991

You deserved it 6 324

Magpie eyes

By Anonymous - 05/10/2023 16:30

Today, I spent an hour making my favorite work lunches, then portioning them out so I could have them all week. I later came home to a pile of empty containers. My girlfriend said, "Sorry, I got the munchies. Also, can you please do the dishes?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 045

You deserved it 153

By unbelievable208 - 05/08/2009 05:28 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. It was just me and her. Things began to get heated, and we started doing it on the living room couch. Near the end of it, I whispered in her ear, "Who's your daddy?" I then heard behind me, "I am." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 652

You deserved it 86 720

By a critically injured shitehawk - 25/04/2015 10:34 - United Kingdom - York

Today, I brought my girlfriend home to introduce to my parents. My dad thought it would be hilarious to fill some clear bags full of flour, then pretend he was sampling a cocaine shipment when she arrived. She excused herself very quickly and isn't answering my calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 205

You deserved it 3 021

Next

Top comments

Crazc 15

Friday 24 January 2014 12:33

Bluetooth or no Bluetooth, thats a stupid-ass joke.

ktiskool 18

Friday 24 January 2014 12:37

You're gonna be getting some Hellman's.

Comments

Growlithe1395 19

Monday 3 April 2017 20:18

yeah 5 your life

T1A2Z3 34

Tuesday 12 June 2018 18:10

That's when you say you got a bottle of mayo

Keywords

Break-ups Love Christmas Miscellaneous Poopoo peepee Gross Ironic Argument Friends Awkward Cute Haircut Relatable You're fired Work Cars Covid Health Jealousy Cheating Parenting Kids Family Cats DIY Roommate Sex Intimacy Am I overreacting? Management

The Top

Today, while my boyfriend and I were on a picnic date out in the country, things got a little heated. When we were switching positions, he screamed and started running around. Turns out neither of us noticed the beehive in the tree above us until his dick got stung. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 297

You deserved it 1 134

Today, while I was mid-act with my girlfriend, my mom unlocked my bedroom door and came in shaking maracas. She then handed them to my very shocked girlfriend and told her these were the "Busted maracas" and directed her to pass them along accordingly. Well, at least our first time was memorable… FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 441

You deserved it 365

The Top

Today, my wife has the flu, while I have strep throat. We have a two-year-old toddler and have no clue as to who's more contagious and who should take care of her as to not get her sick. Yay for the entire day of surgical masks and Sesame Street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 377

You deserved it 2 744

Today, I got extremely wasted and decided to take a shower with my boyfriend. What seemed like a good and sexy idea turned into us falling and getting wedged in the bathtub. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 214

You deserved it 27 777

Today, my boyfriend of two years logged into my Facebook account and broke up with himself. He is now receiving loads of sympathy, while I'm being accused of lying about it to save my reputation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 571

You deserved it 3 073

Today, I got called a slut. I don't know what is worse, the fact I was called it or that I felt strangely flattered that the person thought I was getting any. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 635

You deserved it 7 875

Today, my boss gave me the task of firing a recently-hired coworker next Friday. This guy spends most of his off-hours working out, probably abusing the fuck out of steroids, and to whom prison is like a bed-and-breakfast. I fear for my life by this point. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 665

You deserved it 2 829

Today, while reading the newspaper, I noticed that an ad had been placed for my job. I asked my boss for a week off so that I could fly home for my father's funeral. No wonder she was so cool with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 163

You deserved it 756