health

Help yourself

By danielle1575 - 24/06/2021 04:01 - United States

Today, my older, pill-addicted brother, came over to visit with me. After he left, I realized all my Vicodin was gone. I got my wisdom teeth removed two hours ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 082

You deserved it 241

Smart guy

By Anonymous - 24/06/2021 00:01

Today, my male model boyfriend admitted to me that he has developed an eating disorder because of his career. He also told me we couldn't have sex anymore, because he might somehow absorb the food I eat, from my body, through intercourse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 690

You deserved it 284

Smoking kills

By Anonymous - 23/06/2021 12:59 - United States - Steele

Today, my grandmother - who has been a heavy smoker for almost forty years, and does not believe in the dangers of smoking - was diagnosed with COPD. Also, I'm now at a greater risk of developing COPD because of her (and my parents, who also smoke). FML

I agree, your life sucks 858

You deserved it 93

Leave me alone

By Anonymous - 23/06/2021 16:01

Today, I'm on a camping trip, and despite the lovely weather, I'm wearing long clothing so the mosquitoes can’t sting me. Unfortunately, nobody seems to have told THEM that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 730

You deserved it 179

Ingredients check

By Anonymous - 22/06/2021 18:00

Today, my boyfriend told me the sauce he made for our dinner that was meat-based, trying to show me how nice meat is and stop me being a weirdo vegan. The reason I’m vegan is because my digestive system can’t handle animal protein. I’m writing this from the bathroom, vomiting myself to death. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 400

You deserved it 176

Paul Blurt

By Anonymous - 22/06/2021 16:01

Today, I had various items thrown at me all day at school, one one of which was a ruler that landed flat on my back where I had blistered and peeling sunburn. I yelped, "Motherf***er!" because of the pain, and I was the one given detention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 972

You deserved it 160

Fault

By Bleh - 22/06/2021 05:00 - United States - Midlothian

Today, I accidentally let slip to my mom that I hardly remember the graduation party she threw me four years ago. She proceeded to verbally assault me for forgetting the special occasion. I had a brain complication two years ago which resulted in some memory loss. Apparently, it's my fault. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 184

You deserved it 81

Really bugs me

By Anonymous - 22/06/2021 06:00

Today, most people don’t realize how relaxing it is to poop on an indoor toilet. As in, being able to do your business in peace without having to keep mosquitoes from landing on your private parts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 780

You deserved it 116

No shot

By Anonymous - 22/06/2021 04:01

Today, I had emergency surgery to remove my fallopian tubes. I'm one of the 0.5% of people who get pregnant after having their tubes tied. FML

I agree, your life sucks 994

You deserved it 99

Get some rest

By Anonymous - 20/06/2021 18:01

Today, I dislocated my shoulder doing a really big stretch when I woke up. After the doctor relocated it, my dad told me I still had to do my chores. No excuses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 915

You deserved it 134

Workers of the world unite

By Anonymous - 19/06/2021 19:01 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, the day before I was supposed to go back to work after I got sick, ended up in the hospital, and primary doctor put me on medical leave, I got fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 029

You deserved it 93

Side effects

By Anonymous - 19/06/2021 18:59 - United Kingdom - Runcorn

Today, I sneezed so hard, I farted. During my vaccine appointment. I hate hayfever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 892

You deserved it 145

Chainsaw massacre

By sleepless in sleeplessness - 18/06/2021 11:01 - United States

Today, my girlfriend snores like a lumberjack. Even when I leave to sleep on the couch, I can still hear her through the door. She won’t go to the doctor because, "snoring runs in her family and they’re all just fine." Yeah, uh huh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 929

You deserved it 144

Free healthcare for all

By Vickie - 18/06/2021 16:00

Today, while mopping the kitchen, I ended up slipping and and knocked over the table that had my mom’s iPad on it. The screen shattered; I sprained my wrist. I asked my mom to take me to the ER. She called me "selfish" because her iPad screen repair would "cost more." FML

I agree, your life sucks 963

You deserved it 125

Worked out

By leigh - 18/06/2021 14:01

Today, three days after receiving the vaccine, I was finally able to lift weights again. At the beginning of the workout, I broke my finger. Lifting weights is the one thing that keeps me from being depressed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 858

You deserved it 168

Pain in the ass

By Anonymous - 17/06/2021 22:01 - United States - Greenville

Today, I awoke to an excruciating pain in my back from sleeping in the same position all night. I can't wipe my own ass. I've already gone to shit twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 768

You deserved it 126

Tasty

By bob - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was eating noodles. Midway through chewing, I sneezed. The noodles got stuck in my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 406

You deserved it 4 228

Getting on

By Lexxxiii - 17/06/2021 06:01

Today, I realized that every time I play video games, my wrist and elbows always end up hurting so badly from holding my controller/handheld games. I always have to apply bengay and wear braces. Arthritis is creeping up on me harshly, and I’m still young so this sucks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 715

You deserved it 434

Ironic

By AnotherCrazyCatLady - 17/06/2021 09:31 - Australia - Strathalbyn

Today, I found out that I have Dysarthria, a condition where you can't pronounce certain words. I can't even pronounce the condition. FML

I agree, your life sucks 812

You deserved it 66

Under pressure

By Anonymous - 16/06/2021 03:59

Today, I became aroused when slight pressure was applied to my throat. I was having an ultrasound done to have my thyroid gland and a lump under my chin looked at by an old male doctor. My mom was present. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 014

You deserved it 163

Frustration

By Anonymous - 15/06/2021 12:01 - United States - Aldie

Today, I found out I need surgery for a hernia that blew up after working out. I’ve been working out constantly to keep my mind off of my ex, who was the right person at the wrong time, and now I can’t even do that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 854

You deserved it 130

I'm trying!

By Anonymous - 15/06/2021 02:01

Today, I was trying to exercise to lose weight but I got terrible bloating. Turns out that’s a common response, because the body thinks it’s being stressed. This is right after being diagnosed with allergies to some vegetables. I’m trying to be healthy, I swear. My body won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 927

You deserved it 106

Care and sympathy

By Anonymous - 14/06/2021 12:01 - United States

Today, after taking vacation time to visit her, my mom told me she was glad I was leaving so she could get back to her diet. I'm prediabetic and have been trying to manage the condition. She ordered dessert at every meal and was the only one in the family who did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 881

You deserved it 105

Manage this

By fuck this company - 14/06/2021 07:01 - United States

Today, the same manager who wrote me up for missing work when my mom had had a stroke, thought it was perfectly acceptable to announce she was leaving work 6 hours early to take her dogs to the groomers. Apparently, that appointment was more urgent than me riding in an ambulance with my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 224

You deserved it 74

Very helpful, dude

By anon - 14/06/2021 08:01

Today, I sent my husband out for baby formula and cocoa butter to soothe my boobs from breastfeeding. He came back with powdered milk and deep heat rub. AND he still wanted praise for at least having tried to get what I asked for. I would kill him, but I need his wages while I'm on maternity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 005

You deserved it 222

Extreme shot reaction

By Exhausted - 14/06/2021 05:31 - India - Chennai

Today, a day after my mom and I got the vaccine, we've been doing everything around the house with one hand each through the pain. My dad hasn't helped out at all despite my requests, and sees nothing wrong with this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 833

You deserved it 301

Heavy phone, dude

By Burton - 12/06/2021 20:00

Today, I'm in the E.R. because I broke one of my toes when my cellphone slipped from my hands after taking a shower. Needless to say, my cellphone broke too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 698

You deserved it 357

Thinning

By Anonymous - 12/06/2021 05:01 - United States - Greenville

Today, I've lost so much weight from depression that I don't fit into women's clothing anymore. There's nothing like trying to find dress pants in the kids section. FML

I agree, your life sucks 841

You deserved it 130

Feeling faint

By jacey - 12/06/2021 02:01

Today, I discovered that my body will go straight to “weak and lightheaded” before it even considers “hungry.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 860

You deserved it 96

Food ****

By Anonymous - 11/06/2021 22:01

Today, I decided to start eating healthier, so I had fruit and yoghurt for breakfast and a chicken salad for lunch. My stomach violently rejected both meals in a fountain of vomit. I later ate a giant McDonald’s meal with no issue, and felt loads better. FML

I agree, your life sucks 827

You deserved it 339

Keywords

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The Top

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a handjob in the shower. As I was reaching climax, my mom walked by the bathroom door and started talking to me. My girlfriend didn't stop, and in order to distract from the situation at hand, I had to carry on the conversation with my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 900

You deserved it 11 993

Today, I had my pill check and the nurse cautioned me that my BMI says I'm obese. I'm an elite powerlifter and my weight is this high on purpose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 411

You deserved it 134

The Top

Today, I had to explain to my dad why it is important for him to clear the browsing history after watching sexual explicit material on the family computer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 170

You deserved it 4 067

Today, I finally finished a gruelling shift at the hospital. I hadn't slept in over 30 hours, so I was happy to get out. I was quickly rushed back in after I collapsed in the parking lot and cracked my head open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 582

You deserved it 1 165

Today, l remembered the second time my then-future-wife and I had sex; she soundly feel asleep during the act. According to her, this was because she felt so comfortable with me. Well my friends, she has increasingly got more comfortable with me in the past 20 years. Very, very comfortable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 391

You deserved it 137

Today, I took my girlfriend to see the new Avatar movie I’ve waited over 10 years to see. After it was over, she just said, "That was utter shite, why did you bring me here?" Entire experience ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 378

You deserved it 960

Today, I got yelled at for having a set of headphones around my neck at all times, because it "makes me seem disinterested." Two things: 1. I have established myself as a very good listener among my peers; 2. I'm autistic, so I need the headphones readily available at all times to cope with loud environments. FML

I agree, your life sucks 860

You deserved it 135

Today, I got a birthday card from my parents. It was my sister's from earlier in the year. They scratched out her name and wrote mine underneath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 567

You deserved it 2 628