intimacy

Vaporeon?

By me. - 07/05/2012 20:38 - Canada - Orillia

Today, I got an inconvenient erection while at my girlfriends house, so I tried to think of something stupid to get rid of it. I tried thinking of Pokémon, which actually made me harder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 285

You deserved it 12 182

By quirrus - 07/05/2012 09:42 - United States

Today, while showering with my boyfriend, he asked if something was weird about his penis. Naturally, I looked closer. As soon as I did, he sprayed my face with urine. This is only the beginning; we just moved in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 105

You deserved it 9 838

By madseason - 07/05/2012 00:13 - United States

Today, I confronted my girlfriend about cheating on me. Her response was that it's not cheating since she is getting paid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 929

You deserved it 4 747

By Kwalker3 - 06/05/2012 06:39 - United States - Tracy

Today, my boyfriend and I were making love. I was really close to climaxing, when he suddenly stopped, smirked, and said, "Hang on, I'm buffering." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 419

You deserved it 4 160

By Anonymous - 05/05/2012 12:07 - Israel - Ramat Hasharon

Today, my boyfriend cuffed my legs to the bed. After the sex we discovered one of the cuffs wouldn't open. After an hour of trying to pry them open, I had to waddle with him to the fire station to have them removed in front of 4 amused firefighters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 169

You deserved it 8 761

By CALIdime_15 - 05/05/2012 05:42 - United States

Today, I watched my boyfriend have a full on conversation with his penis. He also talks to his penis nicer than he talks to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 363

You deserved it 4 921

By Garry - 04/05/2012 21:53 - United States

Today, an exchange student was telling us how he once used a black light to detect semen stains on his "abstinent" ex-girlfriend's face. I called him out on the obvious lie, saying it's an old urban legend. He wigged out, screamed that I'm a "bastarding shite-wank" and ran out of class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 279

You deserved it 5 451

By Anonymous - 04/05/2012 20:57 - Netherlands - Uithoorn

Today, my boyfriend thought it was a good show of etiquette to answer a text message from his ex, while he was still inside me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 157

You deserved it 3 571

By anonymous4991 - 04/05/2012 00:39 - United States - Denver

Today, I was petting my cat and I jokingly said out loud, "Oh, the pussy likes it rough? You like that, don't you?" My windows were open and I could hear the neighbors laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 511

You deserved it 33 861

anonymous4991 tells us more.

anonymous4991 5

Friday 4 May 2012 21:36

From the poster: I fully expected to a lot of "you deserved it" I just thought it was too funny not to share with the world. Yes, I was talking about petting an actual feline. No, I do not talk to myself while masturbating or have regular conversations with the cat. My neighbor's porch is a couple feet from my window and I can hear all of their conversations too. I am dating someone and have gotten laid recently. I think it is hilarious they put it in the "intimacy" section.

By dentistrygirl - 03/05/2012 19:41 - United States

Today, while I was sneaking a boy out of my room at 2am, I ran into my mom sneaking a man into her room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 319

You deserved it 11 735

By S12Sophia - 02/05/2012 22:06 - France

Today, my boyfriend and I were making love for the first time, when out of nowhere my cat meowed from the doorway. My boyfriend sighed, pulled out, and exasperatedly called me a selfish bitch for not having put my cat outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 057

You deserved it 5 465

I won! I won!

By winnerwinner - 02/05/2012 15:46 - United States

Today, my husband informed me that he has been purposely finishing before me in bed as a form of punishment for beating him at Mario Kart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 984

You deserved it 6 875

Quick thinking

By rolyat - 01/05/2012 16:41 - United States - Rochester

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend for the first time. When I took my underwear off, she looked at my penis, snorted, and covered her mouth. She claimed that her "allergies" were flaring and we have to wait until they clear up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 733

You deserved it 4 006

By epicsquishii - 01/05/2012 11:02 - United States - Riverbank

Today, my boyfriend yet again unsuccessfully tried to hold in uncontrollable giggling every time I moaned or sighed during sex. He's 24. I'm terrified of his reaction should I ever reach an orgasm with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 039

You deserved it 3 469

By lowlife123 - 01/05/2012 03:01 - United States - Manawa

Today, I found out my boyfriend gave me a surprise birthday present: herpes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 963

You deserved it 7 444

By NotAModel - 30/04/2012 15:50 - United States

Today, after putting an ad on Craigslist to sell a coat, I finally got a call. The guy on the phone seemed interested, and was especially curious to know if I could "model" it for him, in "stockings and suspenders." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 305

You deserved it 3 865

Grooming

By kdehshaden - 30/04/2012 08:25 - United States

Today, after a lot of begging, I finally convinced my husband to shave all of his pubes off. Now I can't even look at it without laughing, and he's mad at me for making him do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 649

You deserved it 56 854

By ShadowJack - 29/04/2012 15:10 - United States

Today, my mom walked in on me masturbating. She didnt look away and we stared at each other for a while; then she asked me what I wanted from McDonalds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 488

You deserved it 9 785

By Elise - 28/04/2012 23:36 - United States

Today, my boyfriend figured out that he can bounce small things off of my boobs, and has been doing it every time I look away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 538

You deserved it 4 590

By Matt - 28/04/2012 18:28 - United Kingdom - London

Today, the novelty of shaving a heart into my pubic hair for my wife vanished, when I woke up to find a collection of scabs around my pubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 347

You deserved it 15 748

By poo4brains - 28/04/2012 04:42 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, my wife woke me up by giving my erect penis a Chinese burn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 120

You deserved it 3 639

Confuddled

By yosenfal - 28/04/2012 01:04 - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Today, I came home earlier than usual, only to find my wife having sex with some guy on our bed. Her reaction to being confronted was to look me dead in the eyes and to scream and scream until I got so freaked out that I left. It's her house, and I'm sitting in a library with no idea what to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 035

You deserved it 4 096

By Anonymous - 26/04/2012 12:08 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I walked into a public restroom to find that they had set up a free health clinic for the homeless; by that I mean that I found one bum inspecting and cleaning the infected, bloody genitals of another bum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 926

You deserved it 2 961

Um… you what now?

By intheairtonight - 25/04/2012 06:22 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, it was snowing, and the campus looked just lovely. I sat on a nearby window ledge to enjoy the view. I was joined by a girl who looked fascinated as well, so I decided to make small talk. She nodded, smiled wistfully, and said, "There's herpes in the air today." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 695

You deserved it 3 161

By mmmtortilla - 24/04/2012 14:03 - Spain - Portugalete

Today, while putting on a load of laundry, I squeezed the detergent bottle and it made a noise like a woman's orgasm. After laughing, I realised that I'm probably too immature to be washing my own clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 372

You deserved it 28 540

By hjkashld - 24/04/2012 01:48 - United States

Today, I faked back pain to get out of sex with my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 534

You deserved it 36 499

By Capteen - 22/04/2012 12:17 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I found out the bed I sleep in is the bed I was conceived in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 420

You deserved it 3 721

Capteen_fml tells us more.

Capteen_fml 9

Sunday 22 April 2012 17:21

OP here! I definitely have a new mattress, and the frames been well cleaned as it was in storage for a while. To the people saying get over it - I'm not upset or creeped out too much, I just thought it was FML worthy. And no, I have no intention of 'repeating the cycle' to my children as such - I need to finish my studies before even considering children!

Pranked

By Hakimstah - 21/04/2012 17:38 - Lebanon

Today, I woke up to a really cold feeling down below. I opened my eyes and saw my girlfriend grinning like a maniac and holding my crotch-sausage between two scissor blades. I screamed in terror like a little bitch, and she says I'm never gonna live this down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 854

You deserved it 4 497

By Anonymous - 18/04/2012 19:18 - United Kingdom - Eynsham

Today, I attempted to wax my "lady area". It hurt more than losing my virginity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 091

You deserved it 9 908

By caitlinz5 - 18/04/2012 16:55 - United States - Williston Park

Today, I found out my boyfriend and I have more in common than I thought. We both are sexually attracted to men. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 334

You deserved it 3 879

caitlinz5 tells us more.

caitlinz5 2

Thursday 19 April 2012 1:58

I know the thread's finished, but the person that started it and a few others should be ashamed of themselves. There's NOTHING wrong or unnatural about non heterosexuals, so take your bigotry some place else! I'm upset because my boyfriend doesn't feel anything for me romantically. That's it. FML team said it all.