Intimacy

Wrong place

By anonymous - 05/07/2011 04:32 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex in the janitor's closet of the pet store where I work. We were really getting into it when we were rudely interrupted by dozens of salamanders crawling up our legs. I had forgotten to lock the cage before we started. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 705

You deserved it 74 086

By danam - 05/07/2011 02:38 - Canada

Today, I looked out my window to see the sunset, but instead I see my neighbor dancing with strobe lights on and music blasting. He was by himself and had absolutely nothing on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 225

You deserved it 4 325

Denied!

By Anonymous - 04/07/2011 16:09 - United States

Today, I got cock-blocked by the laundry. My boyfriend was the one who wanted to do laundry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 282

You deserved it 4 780

By fmylife7721 - 03/07/2011 05:51 - Canada

Today, I jokingly told my girlfriend that sperm kills acne, she laughed and said "so that's how you got rid of yours so fast" then continued to text all her friends and tell them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 848

You deserved it 47 805

By T-Guy - 03/07/2011 03:01 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted to spice up our sex life, so we went and had sex in the park. We had 30 minutes of "spice", just to spend seven hours in jail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 292

You deserved it 50 971

Juicy

By Hum - 02/07/2011 21:50 - Switzerland

Today, while on student exchange in Germany, I was making myself a cup of coffee. When I rummaged around in the fridge, my roommates asked me what I was looking for. I said I wanted to put "samen" in my coffee. They laughed. Ah yes, "sahne" means "cream". "Samen" means "sperm". FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 799

You deserved it 12 062

Groucho

By beardedlady - 02/07/2011 06:44 - United States

Today, my boyfriend tried to make me wear a fake mustache during sex. He said it "turns him on." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 121

You deserved it 5 249

By NYMTS - 01/07/2011 23:22 - Australia

Today, I had to make a deal with my 22 year old fiancé. What was the deal? If he put deodorant on, he could squeeze my boob for as long as he liked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 416

You deserved it 10 937

By ljcxo17 - 01/07/2011 08:49 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me. But not to worry, he said she's only in town for a week then he's done with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 285

You deserved it 4 577

By Anonymous - 29/06/2011 23:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend tried to tell me that he was worried our child might not be mine because he was cheating on me when I got pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 988

You deserved it 7 376

Sneaky

By crazy_bitch122 - 29/06/2011 05:13 - United States

Today, while we were making love, he farted, then blamed it on his dog, who wasn't even in the room. The smell alone could have killed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 635

You deserved it 6 305

By girlshavepenises - 28/06/2011 06:39 - New Zealand

Today, in science, we were studying reproduction. Our teacher was reading out the notes and claimed that 'the female's penis stiffens to enter the male's vagina.' I'm supposed to be learning stuff from this woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 379

You deserved it 4 274

By nomorefreehugs - 27/06/2011 23:34 - United States

Today, I saw a guy with a "free hugs" poster. Since nobody else was hugging him, I decided to. He had a boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 715

You deserved it 41 252

Not a Bio major

By Anonymous - 27/06/2011 13:55 - United States

Today, my boyfriend said that to be extra careful he's been taking my birth control pills too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 119

You deserved it 8 139

By Username - 27/06/2011 08:56 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came before I'd even unbuttoned my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 487

You deserved it 7 767

By grizzlybear - 27/06/2011 05:55 - Mexico

Today, my boyfriend told me that if I had a penis, our relationship would be better. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 189

You deserved it 6 996

Gagging for it

By Anonymous - 26/06/2011 21:42 - United States

Today, I went on a third date with a guy, hoping I'd finally get some action. I got a high five. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 079

You deserved it 10 626

Keep us posted

By suxx - 25/06/2011 08:39 - United States

Today, I walked around for hours with a Post-it on my back reading, "I JUST HAD SEX!" My boyfriend stuck it on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 753

You deserved it 8 225

By PandaMantis - 25/06/2011 04:32 - United States

Today, I sent my romantic interest a sexy text about a dream I had about a "sex gameshow." I sent it by replying to the last text sent. I'm now responsible for traumatizing my 12 year old niece who could only reply, "Like Jeopardy?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 340

You deserved it 48 151

By Eve - 24/06/2011 10:45 - Ireland

Today, as I passed my fiancé the pancakes I had just made, he vocalised his happiness with a groan that was EXACTLY like the one he makes when we have sex. So on a sexiness rating, I'm a pancake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 099

You deserved it 10 726

By fmlguy382 - 22/06/2011 08:13 - United States

Today, I was complimented on how big my penis was. I was complimented by the guy peeing next to me in the men's restroom at McDonald's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 302

You deserved it 7 872

By Username - 20/06/2011 15:57 - United States

Today, I had to pick my parents up from jail. They thought it would be okay to have sex behind a bush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 678

You deserved it 4 261

By wtf - 20/06/2011 07:43 - Canada

Today, I found out my wife isn't cheating. She says she's just getting older and sex isn't important anymore. She's 27. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 899

You deserved it 5 170

By Anonymous - 20/06/2011 05:45 - United States

Today, my husband bought me a bouquet of roses. They caused me to sneeze seven times in a row. That was the closest he's ever got me to an orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 914

You deserved it 8 611

By stillAvirgin:( - 20/06/2011 01:46 - United States

Today, I purchased an app to track my period. When my mother asked me why I got it, I told her I was going to use it so I knew when to not go on a date because I don't want to be uncomfortable during a long movie. She slapped me in the face and called me a dirty prostitute and a liar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 886

You deserved it 9 125

This is awkward, guys

By Username - 19/06/2011 18:08 - United States

Today, I went camping with my girlfriend and best friend. They are now having blood-curdling sex in our tent. My friend is also my ride home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 277

You deserved it 7 453

By Khrixas_069 - 18/06/2011 07:10 - United States

Today, I was about to make love to my girlfriend at the local park when a cop caught us. I had to give him our information and hold a conversation with "Fire and Ice" lubricant on my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 723

You deserved it 58 667

Superfreak

By callie - 18/06/2011 06:08 - United States

Today, I got some really bad mosquito bites on the outside of my thighs. They itched, and my jeans prevented me from scratching them, so I unbuttoned my pants, stuck my down my leg and started scratching. My mom walked in, and won't believe I wasn't masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 957

You deserved it 6 644

By Willow - 17/06/2011 23:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me why he stood me up last night instead of coming over to visit. Apparently me telling him I couldn't wait for him to do naughty things to me turned him off, and made him feel like a piece of meat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 125

You deserved it 11 774

By evomadrid24 - 17/06/2011 00:33 - United States

Today, my girlfriend smelt my penis after I got back from the gym. She was making sure it didn't smell like latex. I can't even go to the gym without her thinking I'm cheating on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 119

You deserved it 10 274

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I agree, your life sucks 14

You deserved it 15

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house, intending to break up with him. Instead, I was greeted by his whole family throwing me a surprise party. I had to sit and listen to his whole family talk about what a great couple we are and how we're going to last forever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 170

You deserved it 9 471

The Top

Today, while opening up to a few friends about how I was sexually abused as a child, one of them blurted "Pics or it didn't happen." How did the others react? With outrage? No, just with awkward chuckling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 205

You deserved it 2 090

Today, I biked to the store to buy a new lock, since biking is my only form of transportation. I left my bike unattended for the last time, only to come back with a new chain, but no bike. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 655

You deserved it 3 458

Today, my husband found out the owner of the shop across from our shop is homophobic. Our daughter is bisexual, so he’s started Pride-themed warfare against the shop with flags everywhere. It’s a rather conservative neighbourhood and our customers have deserted us in droves. We may have to close. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 220

You deserved it 634

Today, my fiancée thought that lowering the volume on her phone would lower the amount of data being used by her streaming songs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 772

You deserved it 2 873

Today, I was about to break up with my psycho girlfriend. As I sat her down, she told me she wanted to show me something. She then took off her shirt to reveal my name tattooed across her chest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 031

You deserved it 7 736

Today, my friend and I dressed up as dice for Halloween. The rest of the night consisted of us, harassed by drunks asking, 'Can we roll you around?' and constantly being shaken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 390

You deserved it 32 926