Intimacy

By Anonymous - 20/11/2013 03:42 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I learned that no matter how much of a nerd a girl claims to be, she is not ready for you to speak Klingon during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 788

You deserved it 71 846

Sounds hot

By oops999 - 19/11/2013 19:46 - United States - Downingtown

Today, my girlfriend and I were going to have sex. To set the mood, she suggested we watch a porno she once starred in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 012

You deserved it 9 486

By you+me-clothes=53>< - 19/11/2013 17:13 - Austria - Vienna

Today, my boyfriend went down on me. I don't know why, but my mind wandered. He now thinks that he has the skills of a porn star, while I'm pretty sure that finally solving a mathematical problem I've been working on for a week caused me to orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 093

You deserved it 9 053

By ericabearr - 18/11/2013 20:14 - United States - Nacogdoches

Today, I realized I need to start hitting the gym, when my boyfriend actually utilized my love handles during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 757

You deserved it 11 606

ericabearr tells us more.

ericabearr 10

Wednesday 20 November 2013 8:07

Yes I am aware that "that's what they're there for." I personally do not want them there. They make me self conscious. I'm choosing to go to the gym on my own and not for my boyfriend. He tells me I'm beautiful regardless of how I feel about myself. Maybe he can fun something new to grab onto though! Haha! Thanks for the comments though y'all! :)

By flavored - 18/11/2013 15:26 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try flavored condoms. I guess I enjoyed them a little too much; I almost choked half to death on a strawberry cockcicle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 210

You deserved it 19 453

By jack s.b. - 14/11/2013 22:15 - United States - Austin

Today, my dad walked in on me jacking off. He swore and told me to lock my door next time. Later on I heard him snickering and telling my mom that I "jack off real weird." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 063

You deserved it 16 429

By BreakingTheMood - 13/11/2013 18:08 - Finland - Vanda

Today, in the small hours of the morning, my roommate's boyfriend kicked his foot through the thin wall separating our bedrooms during sex. They didn't even stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 956

You deserved it 4 471

By CanWeAllGetOne - 13/11/2013 06:40 - United States - Houston

Today, I realized how amazing I've become at faking orgasms: I made up everything from the noises of my juices to pure, blissful climax over the phone to my husband. He came; I finished putting laundry away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 899

You deserved it 14 069

Never ever

By notgettinsome - 10/11/2013 06:15 - Australia

Today, my mother was scolding my youngest sister for having unprotected sex with yet another partner. She continued with, "Why can't you be like your brother and just never have sex?" I'm 22, and she's not wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 278

You deserved it 5 232

Caught

By fuck - 09/11/2013 23:30 - United States - Hubert

Today, I got a call from my husband asking me to bail him out from jail. He was arrested after being caught having sex with a waitress in a restaurant bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 423

You deserved it 5 280

WTF roomie?

By JN5SLK - 08/11/2013 22:29 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I walked into my dorm room, only to witness my roommate shaving her vag over my trashcan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 074

You deserved it 4 647

Snoozefest

By notsogood - 08/11/2013 20:02 - United States

Today, during sex, my girlfriend got so bored that she asked me to tell her a story. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 541

You deserved it 19 406

Get it on

By xomelodygervais - 08/11/2013 14:00 - Canada - Timmins

Today, my husband's version of roleplaying was pretending that he actually wanted to have sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 981

You deserved it 6 188

Spooked

By thatescalatedquickly - 07/11/2013 08:52 - United States - Collierville

Today, I was having sex for the first time with a girl who wanted to be friends with benefits. Halfway through sex she noticed that I had the same tattoo as her brother, and had a full-on panic attack that lasted half-an-hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 116

You deserved it 7 280

Filth

By roughsexgonewrong - 05/11/2013 18:01 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend's response to me saying, "Most women like a bit of filth in the bedroom every now and again" was to start farting in bed. Not quite what I meant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 247

You deserved it 11 623

By Something I said? - 05/11/2013 15:26 - United States - Bronx

Today, as my wife and I were getting intimate, I thought I would try a little "dirty talk". I whispered in her ear that I would "dick her down good". She couldn't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 056

You deserved it 59 087

Face gone out of control

By UnfortunatelyAmusing - 05/11/2013 00:25 - United States - Princeton Junction

Today, I found out that my sex face is definitely amusing after the third girl in a row started laughing at it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 278

You deserved it 8 677

By TheTruthofWomen - 04/11/2013 05:45 - United States

Today, at work, I had to explain to my co-manager at work what a period was, after he refused to let an employee go change her tampon. Afterwards, he panicked, saying he thought women made that up so they didn't have to have sex, before trying to send her to the hospital and fainting. We're 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 222

You deserved it 4 672

By justme - 02/11/2013 13:21 - United States - Alliance

Today, while driving in the car with my father, he handed me his iPhone and asked me to Google "Is ObamaCare good for our country?" As soon as I typed in "Is", the first result was "Is olive oil good for anal." FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 868

You deserved it 6 050

WTF?

By Champignon - 01/11/2013 14:17 - Belgium - Brasschaat

Today, during dinner, my mom told my dad and me in great detail about the "awesome" new cosmetic surgery idea she just had: constructing earlobes for lobeless ears, using skin taken from women's labia. I was forced to sit through this until I finished my plate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 354

You deserved it 4 298

By PapaW - 01/11/2013 07:01 - United States - Lehi

Today, I got a new cell phone number and sent a text to my wife. Playing around, I said, "Hey sexy are you alone yet? I'm ready to come over." She responded with, "Hey, yeah he is at work - did you get a new number?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 97 511

You deserved it 7 111

Heat of the moment

By English_Nut117 - 30/10/2013 19:17 - Canada - Georgetown

Today, my boyfriend came onto me in a romantic gesture. We ended up having sex, forgetting that the window repair guy was supposed to come today and do some work on our third floor apartment windows. I still don't know how much he saw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 686

You deserved it 15 215

By goodgrief - 30/10/2013 18:28 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom got drunk at our family reunion and told everyone how worried she is that my "excessive masturbation" would damage the nerves in both my dick and arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 930

You deserved it 8 789

Braggadocio

By snowwhite - 28/10/2013 04:51 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I'm severely sunburned and can barely walk properly. My boyfriend keeps telling his friends that it's because of, "how hard he gave it to me last night." FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 645

You deserved it 10 127

Too late

By Anonymous - 27/10/2013 23:46 - United States - Paramus

Today, I got married. My husband and I had been waiting until marriage to have sex, and when the time came, we started to undress. As I took my bra off, his eyes glazed over, and he fainted. An hour later, all he could say was, "I don't think we're meant to be together." FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 416

You deserved it 9 613

By SharkWeek - 27/10/2013 15:26 - United States - Wrightsville

Today, I reminded my husband that I was on my period, so he wouldn't try to fool around with me. A few hours later, his goldfish-like memory kicked in and he stuck his hand down my pants while we were going to bed. I was wearing a maxi pad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 761

You deserved it 5 817

Bad game

By Dick the Greater - 25/10/2013 22:08

Today, I took my girlfriend to meet my parents at a family dinner. There was plenty of alcohol on offer, as is normal at our get-togethers. She got blind drunk and ended up crying to my mum about how I can't please her because I have a small penis and my oral sucks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 404

You deserved it 10 366

By NOKHAN - 25/10/2013 17:17 - United States - Durham

Today, my boyfriend and I watched Star Trek Into Darkness together. He liked it so much that he's now chosen to yell "KHAAANNNNN!" as he cums. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 111

You deserved it 7 252

By Anonymous - 24/10/2013 21:26 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I realized I have erectile dysfunction while drunk, and premature ejaculation while sober. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 950

You deserved it 6 303

By Anonymous - 23/10/2013 07:40 - United States

Today, I found out through one of my friends that my boyfriend cheated on me. He says it doesn't count as cheating because he couldn't get it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 696

You deserved it 4 675

Keywords

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The Top

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I agree, your life sucks 12

You deserved it 18

Today, I’ve been getting a lot of strange messages from guys on the dating site I use, then I realised why: on my profile pic I'm sat down and you can see my nice underwear up my skirt. That explains the messages, they thought I was trolling for men to hump and dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 414

You deserved it 967

The Top

Today, I met up with my dad after having worked abroad for the past six months. Apparently, during that time he's had a mid-life crisis or been snorting a few too many turds, because he's now some sort of hippie calling himself "Memnoch of Pleiades". FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 507

You deserved it 2 114

Today, my best friend told me that I wasn't invited to her wedding, saying that I was too pretty and that I would outshine her at the ceremony. I laughed and said that she was being ridiculous. She eventually confessed the real reason why I wasn't invited: apparently I'm an annoying bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 850

You deserved it 26 047

Today, I decided to shave my balls. When I was finished, I vacuumed up the mess on the carpet, and then the fragments of hair still on my balls. Very bad idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 285

You deserved it 59 660

Today, my aunt gave my cat aspirin because when she touched his nose he had a 'fever'. I came home to a dead cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 225

You deserved it 4 169

Today, it was my turn to open the bar I work at. As I walked into our terrace, I found our insane upstairs neighbour leaving the scene without a word. This was right before I spotted the steaming pile of dung she'd left behind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 168

You deserved it 2 247

Today, I was babysitting my 6-year-old brother and was playing Mario. When I won, he called me a cunt. I was in shock and asked him where he learnt the word. He said from me when I was driving. He then told my mum that I taught him a new word. Easy to say, I'm in big trouble. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 369

You deserved it 4 978