Intimacy

By mylifesucks - 31/01/2014 23:50 - France - Paris

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I made love. She stared at her One Direction poster the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 336

You deserved it 12 687

Come on!

By prochainefois - 31/01/2014 21:05 - France - Paris

Today, I was in the process of finally losing my virginity. Part way through, my neighbour started shouting from his backyard, "Come on Nicolas! You can do it!" He was talking to his son, but the two of us have the same name. I couldn't finish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 418

You deserved it 6 916

By wtfjusthappened - 31/01/2014 15:29 - United States - Redmond

Spicy

Today, I went down on the girl of my dreams. While I was down there, I started to put on a condom. As I came back up to start having sex, she told me she couldn't cheat on her boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 827

You deserved it 13 048

I did not consent to this under my roof

By CatBlock - 31/01/2014 06:16 - United States - Decatur

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. As we were getting into it, his cat came into the room, sat, and stared us down with what looked like disapproving eyes. After 5 minutes had gone by, we stopped completely. A cat just cockblocked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 357

You deserved it 8 012

By Anonymous - 30/01/2014 00:52 - United States - Ithaca

Spicy

Today, I was at my new boyfriend's house, and he was taking a shower. I had to take a crap real bad, but his apartment only has the one bathroom. I couldn't wait for him to finish, and ended having to shit in a plastic bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 369

You deserved it 23 648

By Anonymous - 29/01/2014 21:04 - United Kingdom - Wrexham

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend, and I really started getting into it. I said, "Hang on tight, this is gonna get intense." She replied, "Doubt it" and yawned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 291

You deserved it 18 974

Oh no, please no

By Anonymous - 26/01/2014 05:10 - United States - Denver

Spicy

Today, I was packing when my parents told me to put my little sister's toothbrush in the top pocket of their suitcase. The pocket I opened had three unopened boxes of condoms in it. We're going to my gran's house, and I'm going to be sleeping on a mattress on the floor of their room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 299

You deserved it 5 482

By sally - 25/01/2014 17:42 - United States - Augusta

Spicy

Today, after 3 months of no orgasms, I was in the shower, working to rectify that. As I was seconds away from coming, my dad loudly knocked on the door and demanded to know how much longer I was going to take. Probably another 3 months now, dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 767

You deserved it 9 478

Taste test

By Anonymous - 25/01/2014 12:28 - United States - Berkeley

Spicy

Today, my husband decided to put different condiments on my body to make our sex better. I was thinking whipped cream; he was feeling ketchup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 642

You deserved it 6 605

By Anonymous - 25/01/2014 01:29 - United States - Petaluma

Spicy

Today, I'm a 34 year old male who just got given the sex talk on my Facebook timeline by my senile mother. 5ML

I agree, your life sucks 52 567

You deserved it 5 762

Thorough check

By Anonymous - 24/01/2014 23:34 - United States - Akron

Spicy

Today, as my boyfriend went to go down on me, he felt it necessary to stop at my stomach and clean the lint out of my belly button. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 854

You deserved it 23 968

Minor Threat

By Anonymous - 24/01/2014 20:24 - France - Paris

Spicy

Today, after a big argument, my girlfriend looked me dead in the eyes and said, "I can go the rest of my life without sex, you know." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 386

You deserved it 13 286

By Anonymous - 24/01/2014 05:32 - United States - Hackensack

Spicy

Today, I was going to have sex, so I went to my basement to get my builder bear that I had stuffed my condoms in. The bear was gone. My dad gave it to charity. 5ML

I agree, your life sucks 52 256

You deserved it 19 008

By Anonymous - 24/01/2014 00:10 - United States - Birmingham

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend was spending the day at my place. Later on, I walked in while she was making lunch. She had a jar of mayo in her hand, and I joked, "I have some mayo, but it doesn't come from a jar." She had a bluetooth headset on, and was in a call with her father. 5ML

I agree, your life sucks 46 857

You deserved it 25 869

Sixth sense

By fappy dog - 23/01/2014 21:06 - United States - Granite City

Spicy

Today, and for the past week, my dog has started barking at my door when I start masturbating. I think my mom is starting to suspect. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 616

You deserved it 11 277

Unwanted guest

By MMM - 21/01/2014 23:26 - United States - Saco

Spicy

Today, my plans for having sex with my girlfriend were thwarted for the sixth time in a row by my own mother. I found out later that she's been reading my texts so she knew when to drop by and ruin everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 573

You deserved it 11 473

By idiot says pussy - 21/01/2014 17:43 - United States

Spicy

Today, I visited my girlfriend at her place, one thing lead to another, and we had sex for the first time. Her normally very sweet cat now hisses and savages me if I so much as look at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 404

You deserved it 7 943

By arsenalfcboy - 20/01/2014 09:31 - United Kingdom - York

Spicy

Today, I noticed that the condom in my wallet has been there so long it's left a mark. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 380

You deserved it 14 026

arsenalfcboy tells us more.

arsenalfcboy 6

Tuesday 21 January 2014 0:48

I'm a uni student so believe me, I go out plenty. Still no luck.

By Goodyear - 20/01/2014 03:59 - United States - Glendale

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. After a while, he started staring at my lady parts, and said my "vag looks like a mockingjay". He then stretched the lips apart like wings and made little "CA-CAW CA-CAW!" sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 595

You deserved it 10 028

By Subliminal message - 19/01/2014 23:21 - Switzerland

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend started whispering "blowjobbbb" into my ear while we were watching a movie. When I asked him what he was doing, he denied ever saying it and claimed it must have been a subliminal message in the movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 738

You deserved it 8 496

By Anonymous - 18/01/2014 22:55 - United States - Somerset

Spicy

Today, while I was fooling around with my girlfriend, she hurt her hand. It obviously wasn't very serious, so I told her to stop faking it. She responded, "Wanna know what I actually fake? My orgasms." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 660

You deserved it 64 578

By gimmeafknbreak - 17/01/2014 23:59 - United States - Alamogordo

Spicy

Today, my family and I were having turkey for dinner. My boyfriend leaned in towards me and muttered, "I'll stuff your turkey later". Everyone heard and the whole room went dead silent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 782

You deserved it 8 851

gimmeafknbreak tells us more.

gimmeafknbreak 4

Saturday 18 January 2014 20:38

It was actually quite humorous. Even my father laughed...though some others didn't find my boyfriend's statement quite so funny. And for those that were asking, yes...he pulled through. in fact about twenty minutes after the "incident". haha. Those family dinners get SO boring.

New kink unlocked

By sausages - 17/01/2014 20:56 - Macedonia - Skopje

Spicy

Today, I went to get my first tattoo. Before we started, the tattooist told me to just relax and embrace the pain. I guess I did that too well; I kept getting an erection throughout. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 168

You deserved it 8 439

That's one way of coming out

By Anonymous - 17/01/2014 02:51 - United States - Landenberg

Spicy

Today, I downloaded Grindr to my phone. It also downloaded to my mom's phone, my dad's phone, and my brother's phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 200

You deserved it 22 941

By DisturbedMan - 15/01/2014 22:29 - United Kingdom - Maidstone

Spicy

Today, as if having to endure the noises of my parents having sex in the next room wasn't painful enough, my mom decided to shout, "Yeah! Like a horse!" I want to cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 152

You deserved it 5 956

By jseid2 - 15/01/2014 05:54 - United States - San Leandro

Spicy

Today, my students unanimously agreed, in front of me, that the only reason they take my course is to look at my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 904

You deserved it 15 444

By Anonymous - 14/01/2014 20:09 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Spicy

Today, my dad and I got royally bitched out by my mother, because she found a bill for a porn site subscription, which was paid by my dad, but made out to my name. I had no idea about any of this, but she now thinks I'm a filthy porn addict and that my dad is an enabler. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 847

You deserved it 5 855

By anun - 14/01/2014 14:06 - Australia

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend asked me, "Is it in yet?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 979

You deserved it 7 075

By Anonymous - 13/01/2014 19:48 - United States - Maryville

Spicy

Today, my wife and I were watching a football game. While someone was about to score, she started screaming, "Go!" and "Come on! You can do it! Go baby, go!" My first thought was that I wished I could still make her scream like that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 959

You deserved it 12 701

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Keywords

Cute Kids Babysitter Skincare Dogs Health Emergency Doctor Hospital Vacation Engagement ring AITA Awkward Love Relatable Facebook Social Media Scams Sex Money Weird Underwear Clothes Miscellaneous Halloween Animals Fire First Dates Smells Work

The Top

Today, I'd gotten home from dropping my boyfriend off when my dad said, "Your phone's been buzzing." I had a text saying, "You're grounded" from my Dad. My "Take your birth control" had been going off for a half an hour while I was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 057

You deserved it 31 889

Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend. We went inside the theatre and he saw a couple of his friends. Instead of saying hi and coming back to watch the movie with me, he ditched me for them. When I reminded him he was forgetting something, he grabbed the popcorn out of my hands and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 154

You deserved it 6 146

The Top

Today, in attempt to save a few bucks on visiting the doctor, my drunk husband tried to relocate his own disjointed finger, using a vice grip. We ended up with an $800 ambulance bill and then a welfare check from Social Services. FML

I agree, your life sucks 471

You deserved it 147

Today, I learned that I'm allergic to hornets. I also learned that when your mom sprays a hornets' nest, and they come after you, that jumping in the pool doesn't help. They hover and wait for you to surface. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 994

You deserved it 3 592

Today, I was swimming in the ocean with my best friend and a giant wave came and knocked off the bottom of my bikini. My friend told me that she would go get another bottom so I could walk onto the very crowded beach. She left me for half an hour, laughing from the shore with her entire family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 89 530

You deserved it 6 347

Today, my girlfriend and I went to a bar during Irishfest. When I returned to my girlfriend she was crying and told me that this guy pushed her. I confronted the guy and poured my beer on him who just happened to be the chief of police. He was trying to make room for a guy in a wheelchair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 114

You deserved it 56 991

Today, I ruined a 4-year long friendship over something stupid, and I'm now being ghosted. I tried to fix it several times, but she doesn't care anymore I don't think. Imagine being the antagonist in your own story. FML

I agree, your life sucks 294

You deserved it 994

Today, I found out that a guy who works overnights had secretly been videotaping me singing and dancing to my favorite songs while I worked my own graveyard shift. My new nickname at work is 'Prancy'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 237

You deserved it 310